http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2jwdez/tifu_by_nonstop_farting_on_an_airplane_for_6_hours/
Technically yesterday I fucked up, but whatever.
To set the scene, I was flying back from a business trip to France the morning after a long night of vaguely business-related drinking. I arrived at Charles de Gaulle at an absolutely unholy hour of the morning and got ready to board my flight and return to the USA. I was miserably hung over and stopped in an airport restaurant for some breakfast.
Somehow, my still-half-drunk mind decided it would be a good idea to get eggs benedict and a Duvel. A word to the wise: never under any circumstances eat airport eggs benedict. If for some incomprehensible reason you must eat airport eggs benedict, don't wash them down with an early-morning beer.
As I staggered onto the plane a bit later, my stomach started churning pretty aggressively. I found my seat, grunted a hello to the cheery-looking French family sitting next to me/on my row, and settled in with noise-cancelling headphones and some music.
A little ways into the flight, my stomach turned traitor completely. Taking a shit in an airplane bathroom is one of the more miserable things in the world, so I resigned myself to a transatlantic journey's worth of intestinal discomfort. Then the farts started coming. One, then another, then another, unrelenting waves trying to fight through a bottleneck; the gaseous equivalent of the Persians at Thermopylae.
I kept them silent, but they kept coming. I felt for the rest of the plane, smelling these horrid drunk airport eggs benedict farts. At least, I thought, they wouldn't know it was me. It went on like this for the entire flight, a 6-hour parade of vile but silent farts every 10 or 15 seconds. Then we started the landing.
I started to let out a fart as an announcement came over the PA. I pulled off my headphones to listen. Suddenly, to my horror, as I pulled off the noise-cancelling headphones the "silent" fart turned seat-shakingly loud. I put the pieces together and shrank deeper and deeper into my seat as I did. holy shit... that means... the entire flight... oh **** no
I slunk out of that airplane without making eye contact with a single soul.
TLDR: Made questionable food choices and released what I thought were silent hangover farts to an entire airplane for 6 hours because I forgot my noise-cancelling headphones cancelled noise.
EDIT: holy shit, front page of reddit and gold. Thanks, strangers!
Also to the "go take a shit" crowd, many years of experience with my own stomach make me highly confident that this was not a one and done thing, taking a shit would have reduced my personal discomfort but I'd just have been the constantly farting guy who kept making everyone move so I could shit every half hour. That being said, yes, all the decisions I made in this story were bad decisions. I blame free booze and sleep deprivation. Also myself. Yeah, mostly myself.
Technically yesterday I fucked up, but whatever.
To set the scene, I was flying back from a business trip to France the morning after a long night of vaguely business-related drinking. I arrived at Charles de Gaulle at an absolutely unholy hour of the morning and got ready to board my flight and return to the USA. I was miserably hung over and stopped in an airport restaurant for some breakfast.
Somehow, my still-half-drunk mind decided it would be a good idea to get eggs benedict and a Duvel. A word to the wise: never under any circumstances eat airport eggs benedict. If for some incomprehensible reason you must eat airport eggs benedict, don't wash them down with an early-morning beer.
As I staggered onto the plane a bit later, my stomach started churning pretty aggressively. I found my seat, grunted a hello to the cheery-looking French family sitting next to me/on my row, and settled in with noise-cancelling headphones and some music.
A little ways into the flight, my stomach turned traitor completely. Taking a shit in an airplane bathroom is one of the more miserable things in the world, so I resigned myself to a transatlantic journey's worth of intestinal discomfort. Then the farts started coming. One, then another, then another, unrelenting waves trying to fight through a bottleneck; the gaseous equivalent of the Persians at Thermopylae.
I kept them silent, but they kept coming. I felt for the rest of the plane, smelling these horrid drunk airport eggs benedict farts. At least, I thought, they wouldn't know it was me. It went on like this for the entire flight, a 6-hour parade of vile but silent farts every 10 or 15 seconds. Then we started the landing.
I started to let out a fart as an announcement came over the PA. I pulled off my headphones to listen. Suddenly, to my horror, as I pulled off the noise-cancelling headphones the "silent" fart turned seat-shakingly loud. I put the pieces together and shrank deeper and deeper into my seat as I did. holy shit... that means... the entire flight... oh **** no
I slunk out of that airplane without making eye contact with a single soul.
TLDR: Made questionable food choices and released what I thought were silent hangover farts to an entire airplane for 6 hours because I forgot my noise-cancelling headphones cancelled noise.
EDIT: holy shit, front page of reddit and gold. Thanks, strangers!
Also to the "go take a shit" crowd, many years of experience with my own stomach make me highly confident that this was not a one and done thing, taking a shit would have reduced my personal discomfort but I'd just have been the constantly farting guy who kept making everyone move so I could shit every half hour. That being said, yes, all the decisions I made in this story were bad decisions. I blame free booze and sleep deprivation. Also myself. Yeah, mostly myself.
