# #ITSOKAYTOTALK - Mental Illness



## brotiform

Thanks to @Neuk this morning for sending this link through to me.

As a man who has contemplated suicide and had 3 unsuccessful attempts , I am motivated by this movement to have men talk about and seek help , something which is difficult for a lot of us to comprehend , mostly because we're men and we're stubborn.

But like @Neuk always tells me "You are not alone , you are loved , you matter"

https://themighty.com/2016/08/luke-ambler-starts-itsokaytotalk-to-raise-suicide-awareness-among-men/

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## brotiform



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## Stosta

I hear you brother. I have had my own battles with depression, and have always found that the best solution is to make sure those around you know what's going on.

And on a related note...

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/why-a-semicolon-tattoo-is-the-most-beautiful-tattoo/

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## brotiform

Stosta said:


> I hear you brother. I have had my own battles with depression, and have always found that the best solution is to make sure those around you not what's going on.
> 
> And on a related note...
> 
> https://www.grammarly.com/blog/why-a-semicolon-tattoo-is-the-most-beautiful-tattoo/



Great link thank you , really like the opening statement : 

" A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence but chose not to
The author is you and the sentence is your life"

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## Stosta

brotiform said:


> Great link thank you , really like the opening statement :
> 
> " A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence but chose not to
> The author is you and the sentence is your life"


Been meaning to get one for a while now, but then I found vaping which put an end to any potential tattoo budget

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## Andre

Absolutely. And I am oktolisten! ;

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## Neuk

I have so much to talk about my long time battle with depression but I am quite private and struggle to express myself at the best of times, so I'll keep this short and sweet...

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## blujeenz

Whats with the triple 6 handsigns?
The Illuminati have been using them in the entertainment industry big time.
Taken from http://illuminatiwatcher.com/decoding-illuminati-symbolism-the-all-seeing-eye/

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## brotiform

blujeenz said:


> Whats with the triple 6 handsigns?
> The Illuminati have been using them in the entertainment industry big time.
> Taken from http://illuminatiwatcher.com/decoding-illuminati-symbolism-the-all-seeing-eye/



I am tempted to dislike your post but I see you're well established here. The hand signal is for OK , it has nothing to do with Hollywood or Illuminati and I find your post insensitive and ignorant.

There is an awful stigma associated with mental illness , and it takes a lot of courage for people to open up about it , even more so when mockery is made at the topic. 

/rant

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## blujeenz

brotiform said:


> I am tempted to dislike your post but I see you're well established here. The hand signal is for OK , it has nothing to do with Hollywood or Illuminati and I find your post insensitive and ignorant.
> 
> There is an awful stigma associated with mental illness , and it takes a lot of courage for people to open up about it , even more so when mockery is made at the topic.
> 
> /rant


Im neither mocking nor making light of anyones state of mental health, dont mistake my clowning around in other threads as shallow inability or lack of empathy.

I hear you.
Im saying that sign is more than just an "Ok", as evidenced by its appearance in the last 50yrs in mainstream media.
When did the good old "thumbs up" get replaced as a universal sign for "good" ?

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## brotiform

@blujeenz Perhaps , but the way the hand signal is being used in your mainstream images , is a completely different context to the way it has been used in our instance.

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## blujeenz

brotiform said:


> @blujeenz Perhaps , but the way the hand signal is being used in your mainstream images , is a completely different context to the way it has been used in our instance.


I looked at the link in your original post, yes the context is different and hopefully its intent wont be misconstrued.
Call me superstitious, but its not a hand sign I will ever use, intent is a fickle mistress and usually lost without a direct human-human interaction... as opposed to our present human-internet-human current trend.

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## rogue zombie

@blujeenz "666" what?

The thumbs up in sign language, means "I'm ready"
The sign discussed here in sign means "okay"

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## Neuk

rogue zombie said:


> The thumbs up in sign language, means "I'm ready"
> The sign discussed here in sign means "okay"



Interesting, thanks @rogue zombie

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## blujeenz

rogue zombie said:


> The thumbs up in sign language, means "I'm ready"


Largely made popular by American aircraft carrier launch crew to the pilots to signal they're ready to go.

Most likely originally derived from ancient Romans during gladiator battles, ie thumbs down was death and up was life.

However, since youth, if asked how you are, a thumbs up indicated good and not ready.
I also hear an indigenous phrase "shup-shup" with the thumbs up to indicate good.
Perhaps its different depending on geographical location, but these are my perceptions in Cape Town.

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## wiesbang

brotiform said:


> Great link thank you , really like the opening statement :
> 
> " A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence but chose not to
> The author is you and the sentence is your life"


I know I am not a guy but....






I had this done last year after I "recovered" from a mental breakdown after years of depression, chronic pain and a failed attempt to take my own life.

This is the first time I have mentioned the attempt other than to my parents and Drs so this is quite a big step for me to admit it and on a public forum for that matter.

I still suffer from major depression and it is a big struggle every day and no one will ever understand what we go though and how tough it is just to get up every morning and having chronic pain with it is like living in hell.

The reason why people don't talk about it is because the world see people with a mental illness as crazy, weak, worthless and the list is endless. Don't even get me started on what they think about people who commit or try to commit suicide. 
Yes we have tried to hold on or be strong!
Yes we do think about the people we leave behind and that sucks (don't know how else to say it)
No we are not weak or selfish!
No one will ever understand what we are going through or feeling so stop judging!

And most of the time the people with the worst depression are the ones who seem to be the happiest... just look at Robin Williams 




The people that know me will tell you I am always happy and smiling but that is the mask we have to put up every day.

Back to my tattoo i had the 3 dots added, for me it means there is more to come. 

;...

@Neuk and @brotiform BIG hug!!!

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## brotiform

@wiesbang , thank you so much for sharing that ️

If you ever need to talk about it , feel free to pm me at anytime

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## Andre

wiesbang said:


> I know I am not a guy but....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I had this done last year after I "recovered" from a mental breakdown after years of depression, chronic pain and a failed attempt to take my own life.
> 
> This is the first time I have mentioned the attempt other than to my parents and Drs so this is quite a big step for me to admit it and on a public forum for that matter.
> 
> I still suffer from major depression and it is a big struggle every day and no one will ever understand what we go though and how tough it is just to get up every morning and having chronic pain with it is like living in hell.
> 
> The reason why people don't talk about it is because the world see people with a mental illness as crazy, weak, worthless and the list is endless. Don't even get me started on what they think about people who commit or try to commit suicide.
> Yes we have tried to hold on or be strong!
> Yes we do think about the people we leave behind and that sucks (don't know how else to say it)
> No we are not weak or selfish!
> No one will ever understand what we are going through or feeling so stop judging!
> 
> And most of the time the people with the worst depression are the ones who seem to be the happiest... just look at Robin Williams
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The people that know me will tell you I am always happy and smiling but that is the mask we have to put up every day.
> 
> Back to my tattoo i had the 3 dots added, for me it means there is more to come.
> 
> ;...
> 
> @Neuk and @brotiform BIG hug!!!


Awesome and courageous post @wiesbang. You have broken the ice. Do not stop talking. We are all prepared to listen, really listen.

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## wiesbang



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## Cruzz_33

@brotiform @Neuk I hardly ever go into the "off topic" tab and I'm glad I did today! Really enjoyed the article!

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## Effjh

This thread brought a little tear to my eye. Lost my old man a couple of months ago to bi-polar depression. He had a failed attempt late last year and made good progress, but lost his hand in the process. Unfortunately he lost the battle and took his own life eventually. Mental illness is a serious and deadly disease. We felt so powerless, we tried everything to help him.

I'm really grateful to be in good mental health, although not always physical health and have no idea how it must feel when the black dog visits. You guys and girls are in my thoughts, I saw what it can do to a person. Hang in there and keep fighting, you will reach the light again. No matter how worthless you feel, there will be someone out there to who you mean the world. Help them to help you.

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## Viper_SA

Maybe someday I'll share my story, but big ups to those that have. It's not easy to talk about these things to strangers, and even more difficult with loved ones and friends. I'll leave off with a quote from Albert Einstein, 'it is sad to be known so universally, and yet be so lonely'.

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## Neuk

wiesbang said:


> I know I am not a guy but....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I had this done last year after I "recovered" from a mental breakdown after years of depression, chronic pain and a failed attempt to take my own life.
> 
> This is the first time I have mentioned the attempt other than to my parents and Drs so this is quite a big step for me to admit it and on a public forum for that matter.
> 
> I still suffer from major depression and it is a big struggle every day and no one will ever understand what we go though and how tough it is just to get up every morning and having chronic pain with it is like living in hell.
> 
> The reason why people don't talk about it is because the world see people with a mental illness as crazy, weak, worthless and the list is endless. Don't even get me started on what they think about people who commit or try to commit suicide.
> Yes we have tried to hold on or be strong!
> Yes we do think about the people we leave behind and that sucks (don't know how else to say it)
> No we are not weak or selfish!
> No one will ever understand what we are going through or feeling so stop judging!
> 
> And most of the time the people with the worst depression are the ones who seem to be the happiest... just look at Robin Williams
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The people that know me will tell you I am always happy and smiling but that is the mask we have to put up every day.
> 
> Back to my tattoo i had the 3 dots added, for me it means there is more to come.
> 
> ;...
> 
> @Neuk and @brotiform BIG hug!!!



I am not quite sure where to start other than to say thank you for sharing your story @wiesbang. I am working towards sharing my story one day in a more public fashion , so I take my hat off to you and others like you.

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## Neuk

Cruzz_33 said:


> @brotiform @Neuk I hardly ever go into the "off topic" tab and I'm glad I did today! Really enjoyed the article!



It is a pleasure, I am glad that others could take something from it. If anyone is looking for a great story and subsequent cause, get hold of a book called, If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For by Jamie Toworski



And head over to his organisation, To Write Love On Her Arms

https://twloha.com/

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## Neuk

Effjh said:


> This thread brought a little tear to my eye. Lost my old man a couple of months ago to bi-polar depression. He had a failed attempt late last year and made good progress, but lost his hand in the process. Unfortunately he lost the battle and took his own life eventually. Mental illness is a serious and deadly disease. We felt so powerless, we tried everything to help him.
> 
> I'm really grateful to be in good mental health, although not always physical health and have no idea how it must feel when the black dog visits. You guys and girls are in my thoughts, I saw what it can do to a person. Hang in there and keep fighting, you will reach the light again. No matter how worthless you feel, there will be someone out there to who you mean the world. Help them to help you.



Thanks for sharing @Effjh.

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Maybe someday I'll share my story, but big ups to those that have. It's not easy to talk about these things to strangers, and even more difficult with loved ones and friends. I'll leave off with a quote from Albert Einstein, 'it is sad to be known so universally, and yet be so lonely'.



You are more than welcome to PM me @Viper_SA if you ever feel the need to, I am not a counselor or therapist, but I am a living survivor.

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## wiesbang

Neuk said:


> I am not quite sure where to start other than to say thank you for sharing your story @wiesbang. I am working towards sharing my story one day in a more public fashion , so I take my hat off to you and others like you.


To be completely honest it took a while for me to click the post button after I wrote it mainly because I know how people look at you after they know you have a mental illness! They either handle you like you need to be bubble wapped because you are going to break any second or they judge or make fun of you. But I think I have lived behind that curtain way to long and needed it to come out some time.

Another thing that people don't know about mental illness is how bloody expensive it is! It is the main reason I almost never have money together with my pain medication i fork out about R4k a month on medication since my medical aid benefits was depleted. I call it my "k@k maar in my bord" or "voel n fk" pilletjies.

Luckily I am at that point now that I can joke and make fun of myself with friends and family.

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## Feliks Karp

Effjh said:


> This thread brought a little tear to my eye. Lost my old man a couple of months ago to bi-polar depression...and have no idea how it must feel when the black dog visits...



Sorry for your loss, I'm often torn between my drive to snuff my self out and the pain I would inflict on my father, can't imagine how tough it must be on a parent being the one who has the depression. The black dog statement was very interesting, I often dream of a black dog just before I start a downward spiral, never heard it connected to depression before, I once googled it and found a few fragmented links to some cultures and it being a symbol of death.

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## Effjh

Feliks Karp said:


> Sorry for your loss, I'm often torn between my drive to snuff my self out and the pain I would inflict on my father, can't imagine how tough it must be on a parent being the one who has the depression. The black dog statement was very interesting, I often dream of a black dog just before I start a downward spiral, never heard it connected to depression before, I once googled it and found a few fragmented links to some cultures and it being a symbol of death.



I'm sorry to hear you are battling depression too bud. It's good that you are open to talk about it though, it opens you up to getting help and with the right support you can overcome this. The term "Black dog" is widely used as a symbol for depression. 

You might find this useful:

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## YeOldeOke

I suffered from depression till my mid-40's. It can become a living hell. I emphathise with those that suffer. It is not something anyone who hasn't gone through it can fully comprehend.

I dragged myself out of it eventually by myself, inch by painful inch over a period of a year once I hit the wall. My knowledge of the human mind helped me immensely as I basically had to scrub and rebuild my own.

When it comes to physical/chemical imbalances in the brain of course that is another story altogether.

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## n0ugh7_zw

I went through a bad 12 years. i'm mostly over it now, and i can relate to what you're saying @YeOldeOke

its hard, really hard, and its slow, but if you can persevere there is light at the end of it.

for me, its more the realisation that for my particular brand of darkness there are no external solutions to my internal problems, the solution has to come from me. 

it almost goes without saying that this stuff is more particular than someones taste in juice.

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## KZOR

@wiesbang 
If you need someone close to help lift the spirits then you welcome to come by. I stay just around the corner. No need to talk about your situation although I have total understanding of it. Have individuals in the family that is bipolar, manic depressive, ADD, diagnosed with autism as well as a m8 that had a OD years back. We can have a coffee, you can vape some of my DIY , listen to some music , have a braai or even play a short round of gholf at Glen Garry. 
Feel free to pm.

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## wiesbang

KZOR said:


> @wiesbang
> If you need someone close to help lift the spirits then you welcome to come by. I stay just around the corner. No need to talk about your situation although I have total understanding of it. Have individuals in the family that is bipolar, manic depressive, ADD, diagnosed with autism as well as a m8 that had a OD years back. We can have a coffee, you can vape some of my DIY , listen to some music , have a braai or even play a short round of gholf at Glen Garry.
> Feel free to pm.


Thank you so very much!
I doubt that golf place will let me revisit if I was there, they will need to replace all of their grass because...






Or I will be like Adam Sandler break stuff, throw stuff and or swear....a lot lol.

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## brotiform

I applaud each and every one of you for being brave enough to share your stories and to talk about your hardships , you are all incredibly brave , wonderful souls. You are important and you do matter. 

After vapecon , I went into complete mental breakdown , plagued with anxiety and panic attacks that I couldnt even get out of bed. I struggled the entire week , before trying to take my life on Friday morning. 

I tried to gas myself on Friday morning after being the first to arrive at work , was found and rescued and rushed to high car / ICU where I was sedated and treated for immense carbon monoxide poisoning before finally gaining consciousness sometime later that weekend. This was failed attempt number 4 , and it's only a matter of time I believe , before I am successful. 

I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body.


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## Viper_SA

Hey bud @brotiform are you on any medication? Psychiatrict treatment? My big issue is also anxiety, not as much depression. I do get depressed though when everything isn't as I want it to be in my OCD brain etc. Greenstone? Is that in Jhb? If you want to have a chat I'm more than willing to drive through after work one evening to have a chat.

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## Neuk

brotiform said:


> I applaud each and every one of you for being brave enough to share your stories and to talk about your hardships , you are all incredibly brave , wonderful souls. You are important and you do matter.
> 
> After vapecon , I went into complete mental breakdown , plagued with anxiety and panic attacks that I couldnt even get out of bed. I struggled the entire week , before trying to take my life on Friday morning.
> 
> I tried to gas myself on Friday morning after being the first to arrive at work , was found and rescued and rushed to high car / ICU where I was sedated and treated for immense carbon monoxide poisoning before finally gaining consciousness sometime later that weekend. This was failed attempt number 4 , and it's only a matter of time I believe , before I am successful.
> 
> I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body.



Thanks for sharing @brotiform  You know i am here for you, every step of the way...

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## Stosta

brotiform said:


> I applaud each and every one of you for being brave enough to share your stories and to talk about your hardships , you are all incredibly brave , wonderful souls. You are important and you do matter.
> 
> After vapecon , I went into complete mental breakdown , plagued with anxiety and panic attacks that I couldnt even get out of bed. I struggled the entire week , before trying to take my life on Friday morning.
> 
> I tried to gas myself on Friday morning after being the first to arrive at work , was found and rescued and rushed to high car / ICU where I was sedated and treated for immense carbon monoxide poisoning before finally gaining consciousness sometime later that weekend. This was failed attempt number 4 , and it's only a matter of time I believe , before I am successful.
> 
> I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body.


I am sorry to hear this buddy, and should you ever want to chat please feel free to pm me.

I find that when I'm in a pit, I need to look at one day at a time. Find things to keep you busy, and surround yourself with people you care about. And work on it minute by minute.

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## Waine

Personally, without going into much detail, I can relate to the posts here on this thread. I have my own emotional battles, coupled with a stressful job. You guys are brave for sharing your battles with depression related disorders. I am a huge advocate for dispelling the stigma about depression, bi polar, anxiety and other related mental illnesses. 

Just as a point of interest: about 60% of folks who suffer from a mental illness smoke. Ok, we are here are mostly ex smokers, and now vapers. Therefore it is not surprising to find many depression sufferers on this forum. I am not saying that if you vape, or smoke cigs, you have depression, don't get me wrong. Nicotine seems to help with those suffering from depression or emotion related illnesses. Nicotine strokes the dopamine receptors in our brains helping to ease such disorders. The interesting thing about nicotine is that it can act both as a stimulant and as a relaxant.

Lastly, 80% of schizophrenic patients smoke cigarettes. Most of them literally chain smoke, and most die of smoking related illnesses eg cancer, strokes, heart attacks, etc.

Just some useless information.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Neuk

Waine said:


> Personally, without going into much detail, I can relate to the posts here on this thread. I have my own emotional battles, coupled with a stressful job. You guys are brave for sharing your battles with depression related disorders. I am a huge advocate for dispelling the stigma about depression, bi polar, anxiety and other related mental illnesses.
> 
> Just as a point of interest: about 60% of folks who suffer from a mental illness smoke. Ok, we are here are mostly ex smokers, and now vapers. Therefore it is not surprising to find many depression sufferers on this forum. I am not saying that if you vape, or smoke cigs, you have depression, don't get me wrong. Nicotine seems to help with those suffering from depression or emotion related illnesses. Nicotine strokes the dopamine receptors in our brains helping to ease such disorders. The interesting thing about nicotine is that it can act both as a stimulant and as a relaxant.
> 
> Lastly, 80% of schizophrenic patients smoke cigarettes. Most of them literally chain smoke, and most die of smoking related illnesses eg cancer, strokes, heart attacks, etc.
> 
> Just some useless information.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Thanks for sharing @Waine. If you ever need to talk you are more than welcome to send me a PM.

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## brotiform

Thought I'd bump this up for anyone who missed it or for anyone willing to speak.

I recently tried to commit suicide for the 4th time. This time by gassing myself using the car exhaust + hose pipe method.

I woke up in hospital with severe carbon monoxide poisoning as I was lucky enough to be found in time.

I am now in Akeso clinic in Alberton under suicidal observation and undergoing intensive therapy and medication trials. I am considered a high risk patient so it has been a very taxing time , both emotionally and physically. 
I have somewhat lost my interest in vaping in this period and if it wasn't for @Neuk standing by me through all of this , I can't say that I would have had more attempts and potentially been successful. 

This is my way of speaking out, this is my therapy and chance to get things off of my chest. 
I hope through my mistakes I can convince all of you that you matter , you're important and you are loved.

Do not become a statistic and don't end up like me where it is too late. Talk up , it is not a weakness , mental illness can be treated!

#itsokaytotalk

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## Rob Fisher

brotiform said:


> Do not become a statistic and don't end up like me where it is too late. Talk up , it is not a weakness , mental illness can be treated!



It's not too late for you... you are getting help! Power to you @brotiform!

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## brotiform

Rob Fisher said:


> It's not too late for you... you are getting help! Power to you @brotiform!



Thank you @Rob Fisher

It's a new day and a new start! I'm so very fortunate in this time to have @Neuk , @OreO , @Maxxis , @DonniZA and @TommyL in my corner.

Every one of these wonderful people have been pillars of support for me and an immense aid in my road to recovery. 

I simply cannot thank them enough for everything they have done!!

On a side note , we have a whatsapp support group based on this thread and I'd like to invite anyone who wants a place of privacy to share their thoughts and feelings to please join us.

My number is 082-850-315four 

In the famous words of @Neuk :

You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved ️

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## TommyL

Depression, anxiety and bipolar are all horrible things to go through, I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since my early teens, I still do struggle but this post isn't about that, I grew up with a chronically depressed mother with bipolar, who's tried to take her life countless of times, but she is strong and healthy now albeit with ups and downs. The biggest thing is that a lot of people don't understand bipolar, no one in our family even understands it. A lot of people associate bipolar with being crazy or something like that. It's threads like these that make me smile, we aren't alone guys.

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## brotiform

Thanks for your post @TommyL ️️

We're all good people in a bad world

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## TommyL

brotiform said:


> Thanks for your post @TommyL ️️
> 
> We're all good people in a bad world


We all have our own stories to tell, maybe I will tell mine one day

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## brotiform

Had a recovered addict in group therapy this morning and I noticed his limitless / 213 combo and we had a brief chat.

He is an ecigssa member and had some very positive things to say and his road to recovery is an inspirational one.

You know who you are so THANK YOU.

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## Neuk

I have been staring at a blank reply screen for hours now, after reading all the latest replies to this thread, and thinking about the last week and a bit since @brotiform's last attempt to take his life and him being admitted to hospital for treatment and recovery. I am trying to be there for @brotiform and others as much as I can while dealing with my own life at the moment which can be taxing at times but I find it strangely therapeutic to help someone in need. I do need to watch myself though, I have a self sacrificing tendency to make sure everyone else is fine while watching my world crumble around me...

And remember...

You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved.
Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other.

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## TheLongTwitch

Howdie Ho!

I feel a need to chime in here and will start off by commending all who have already shared their stories, as well as those who selflessly offer up their help and hearts to strangers in need...as depression sufferers are always in need of positive thoughts and heartfelt help 

I'll begin my story with the sad statement, that one of the very first words I learned as a child was "Head-Cake"
I am a chronic pain sufferer and can't remember the last day that I didn't have a migraine!
They randomly come, go and can be anything from bearable to the point that I blackout.
I've given liters of blood in testing, CT and MRI scans, seen the top neurosurgeons in SA and don't have an answer.
As a result I've tried and taken every cocktail and possible painkiller you could think of...none of which have ever been able to completely eradicate my worst migraines.
This year I also managed to break my record....42 days - 1 migraine. (from the time I wake till I struggle to sleep)
As you may imagine; My body has built up a SCARY tolerance to any sort of medication and/or narcotic.

Mostly I've learned to sort of meditate and push through migraines by ignoring and forgetting about them.
But on occasion I still get the type of migraine that cripples me in almost every way. (luckily psilocybin still works)

I also suffer from depression and have attempted to end my life in my earlier years.

I still suffer suicidal thoughts daily/weekly, but have no interest (yet) in giving up.
I recognize that suffering and endurance can breed legendary greatness - Which is what I am aiming for 

But sadly I feel just as @brotiform when he said:
"I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body."

I don't feel sad, can't remember what happiness felt like, no guilt or anger...just empty/numb.
And I've been this way for years now.
I have chained substance abuse and superficial experiences/interactions to supplement my need to carry on....thank F*** for gaming I say!

I'm good at appearing "ok" or happy, but I've had lots of practice.
I like to help, share, learn and educate.
I can also proudly say that I have positively helped numerous people in changing their life for the better....just to have them use me as toilet paper and then disassociate themselves from/with me.

I am so very very tired and question why I still bother...but something within me says that it will get better, it must! ....right??

So I find myself drifting day by day trying to rationalize my existence and to just push onwards.
But I'm not getting better and I think the only thing still rooting me is the incredible woman I have and how she sees what I was and what I can become...I'll never be able to repay her of all the kindness and love she gives, even spending an entire lifetime trying to make it up.
How do I even consider bringing new life into this world when I know how broken everything is and that I very well may end up passing on my pain and depression to my child!?

On a lighter and objective note:
I like the "OK" symbol and movement to spread awareness for mental illness/depression.
However I think what is more needed is a reference/sign or simple thing to notate when I'm not ok.

As stated: I've been this way for years, found my way to cope with it and am always reinforcing the positives in my life and those around me.
But I wish there was an easier way to outright say when I am not feeling ok and when I don't want to talk or live any longer.
Though I guess we must spread the awareness and education first and foremost, if this battle is to be won for any or all sufferers.

My heart goes out to all who are suffering daily, even those who now and then feel the lows....and ESPECIALLY to those of you who have read this thread and can relate to the posts, who are silently hurting and don't feel like tearing off another piece of your heart and putting it on display in a post, for all to look upon with pity 
This is merely my personal story and we all have different paths we walk, but silence only breeds stillness...So dance, shout and don't fade away!

You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved

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## wiesbang

Since I posted the last time things have been not so great. When you get to that point where at night you pray to not wake up the next morning, you know it's bad.

I have endometriosis which on its own is very painful and on top of that I was diagnosed with CPP (chronic pelvic pain) 2 years ago. I have been on heavy pain meds including morphine and Oxycodone which barely helps. I have had numerous unsuccessful procedures to help and was supposed to go again in Jan for the last "experimental" procedure before we have a nerve stimulator implanted but my Dr has not been successful to get his theatre time schedule to correspond with the specialist he needs. 

So now that my medical aid savings is depleted as well as my chronic medication benefit I have to pay for everything cash. And I can't afford to buy all the medications every month. So I have to choose some this month and get the rest the next month. 
As you all know anti-depressants you cannot skip as it will fak you up completely which means I have been without pain medication for the last 2 months and it sucks. It gets so bad that I cannot move without feeling like my insides are being ripped apart.

Now all this just makes the depression worse, so bad that I wish and pray to just die because I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I am drowning and no matter how hard I try I just can't get to the top.

But hey #yolo

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## johan

wiesbang said:


> Since I posted the last time things have been not so great. When you get to that point where at night you pray to not wake up the next morning, you know it's bad.
> 
> I have endometriosis which on its own is very painful and on top of that I was diagnosed with CPP (chronic pelvic pain) 2 years ago. I have been on heavy pain meds including morphine and Oxycodone which barely helps. I have had numerous unsuccessful procedures to help and was supposed to go again in Jan for the last "experimental" procedure before we have a nerve stimulator implanted but my Dr has not been successful to get his theatre time schedule to correspond with the specialist he needs.
> 
> So now that my medical aid savings is depleted as well as my chronic medication benefit I have to pay for everything cash. And I can't afford to buy all the medications every month. So I have to choose some this month and get the rest the next month.
> As you all know anti-depressants you cannot skip as it will fak you up completely which means I have been without pain medication for the last 2 months and it sucks. It gets so bad that I cannot move without feeling like my insides are being ripped apart.
> 
> Now all this just makes the depression worse, so bad that I wish and pray to just die because I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I am drowning and no matter how hard I try I just can't get to the top.
> 
> But hey #yolo



Geez! I've read through this thread and don't understand a 1/10'th of what was posted, neither can I even imagine what you guys and girls are going through, but the only thing that rings through my head the whole time is: "*pain is temporarily, but giving up is forever*" - so please from my mediocre response, declare that dark "thing" in your your life your enemy and fight it until you conquer (never give up and never submit)!

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## brotiform

Firstly , I am on my phone so bear with my responses if they seem short and sweet. 

@TheLongTwitch and @wiesbang thank you so much for sharing your stories with us , I hope that you found a sense of clarity and relief in sharing that. The best therapy anyone can have is through talking and sharing , especially with those who understand the disease and how crippling it can be , especially in daily life.

Medication is nothing but a crutch in our lives and the only way to get through this is by mindset change. We need to be able to see ourselves how others perceive us , the members participating in this topic are mirrors and reflect ourselves back upon us.

The only way we can fully recover is to participate in discussion and therapy. We are bound by our condition and therefore we all have an immense bond without having any personal relationship. There is a love that we can share with each other because we can fully understand how difficult it can be to get out of bed everyday and look "alive".

I have been putting on the brave face for so long that I even had my doctors fooled into thinking I was ok. I had learned to lie to the extent that I thought I was ok when I truly wasn't.
I am learning this time around that only when you become brutally honest with yourself can you start the journey onwards and upwards.

The irrationality of suicidal tendencies is a dark , downward spiral that I wish upon no one. Once you reach that stage , you are so used to being in "auto pilot" that you forget emotion , you are hollow and empty. Being there , is exhausting. There is very little will or desire to push through because we are so emotionally broken at this point that it seems easier to give up than try fight this battle everyday.

People that do commit suicide are not cowards as "normal" society dictates , I believe them to have more courage than most to fully be able to proceed with what in most cases is a terribly traumatic and painful experience. 

Nobody will ever understand that feeling until you get to the point where you have so little value in your own life , that you feel like you are a burden or liability to your loved ones.

Never forget , YOU ARE NOT WEAK, you are powerless to your disease , much like a cancer patient to their ailment. We can heal , but never truly cure our disease. 
Medication can help , therapy can help , but speaking out can truly help us recover and heal ourselves from this pain we experience on a daily basis. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE , YOU ARE IMPORTANT , YOU MATTER AND YOU ARE LOVED.

I wish you all the love and light that life can offer you during this time , and KNOW that we are all in this together , and together we can succeed.

@wiesbang , I'll talk to you via pm regarding medical aid solutions.

Much love to all.
Grant

️

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## brotiform



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## footpeg

Guys and girls i have read this whole thread and it saddens me to see so many people suffering. 
I suffered depression when i was younger but thankfully for me i woke up one day and decided i did not want to be like that. I know that things are always easier said than done and some cant snap out of it as i did. Its not easy.
It took years of being positive and prayer. I am truly blessed. I still have anxiety attacks some times and i pray my way through them. And it passes. 

I really hope that each one of u find that special drive u all have within u to know that YOU are precious, you are not alone and you are worth more than every breath you take. 

May you all be blessed and find the strength within your selves to push forward and be the absolute best you can be! You are all super stars and i have u all in my prayers and thoughts.

Never give up. This too shall pass. Remember when u feeling down keep telling your self all is well even though it does not feel that way, but it starts a positive vibe. It worked for me. 

Much love and strength to all of you suffering in one way or another. May your journeys from here on be smooth and pleasant. 

Positive vibes sent ur way. 

Sent from my SM-G800F using Tapatalk

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## footpeg

wiesbang said:


> I know I am not a guy but....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I had this done last year after I "recovered" from a mental breakdown after years of depression, chronic pain and a failed attempt to take my own life.
> 
> This is the first time I have mentioned the attempt other than to my parents and Drs so this is quite a big step for me to admit it and on a public forum for that matter.
> 
> I still suffer from major depression and it is a big struggle every day and no one will ever understand what we go though and how tough it is just to get up every morning and having chronic pain with it is like living in hell.
> 
> The reason why people don't talk about it is because the world see people with a mental illness as crazy, weak, worthless and the list is endless. Don't even get me started on what they think about people who commit or try to commit suicide.
> Yes we have tried to hold on or be strong!
> Yes we do think about the people we leave behind and that sucks (don't know how else to say it)
> No we are not weak or selfish!
> No one will ever understand what we are going through or feeling so stop judging!
> 
> And most of the time the people with the worst depression are the ones who seem to be the happiest... just look at Robin Williams
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The people that know me will tell you I am always happy and smiling but that is the mask we have to put up every day.
> 
> Back to my tattoo i had the 3 dots added, for me it means there is more to come.
> 
> ;...
> 
> @Neuk and @brotiform BIG hug!!!


Beautiful 

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## brotiform



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## brotiform

footpeg said:


> Guys and girls i have read this whole thread and it saddens me to see so many people suffering.
> I suffered depression when i was younger but thankfully for me i woke up one day and decided i did not want to be like that. I know that things are always easier said than done and some cant snap out of it as i did. Its not easy.
> It took years of being positive and prayer. I am truly blessed. I still have anxiety attacks some times and i pray my way through them. And it passes.
> 
> I really hope that each one of u find that special drive u all have within u to know that YOU are precious, you are not alone and you are worth more than every breath you take.
> 
> May you all be blessed and find the strength within your selves to push forward and be the absolute best you can be! You are all super stars and i have u all in my prayers and thoughts.
> 
> Never give up. This too shall pass. Remember when u feeling down keep telling your self all is well even though it does not feel that way, but it starts a positive vibe. It worked for me.
> 
> Much love and strength to all of you suffering in one way or another. May your journeys from here on be smooth and pleasant.
> 
> Positive vibes sent ur way.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G800F using Tapatalk



Thanks for sharing your story , your road to recovery is inspiring!

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## Neuk

@TheLongTwitch, @wiesbang, @footpeg and of course, my good friend @brotiform, thank you for sharing your stories with us, I can only imagine how hard it is to put them down in words. I am struggling to find the right words to respond to your stories but there is one theme that is common to all your stories, that of not giving up no matter what. I subscribe to a number of groups and got this article last night which gets a point across better than I could...

https://themighty.com/2016/09/a-message-to-people-who-are-struggling-right-now/

_"To the people who are struggling right now,

I first want to tell you that you are not imagining this. You are not “insane.” There is nothing wrong with you.

You are broken right now, yes, but you are also beautiful. You can be both at the same time.

I know right now it seems like nothing will ever be right again. I know it feels like there is nothing good left in this world, like there is nothing worth holding on for.

I know some days all you can do is sit on your bed and cry, and I know it feels like no one understands what you’re going through.

I get the crushing weight you feel in your chest, the way your stomach clenches and your hands shake, the way your mind is a whirlwind of thoughts that you can’t even begin to sift through right now.

I understand how your heart aches for no reason, how you feel numb even on the best of days.

I get how you feel alone even when you’re surrounded by a room full of people you used to be comfortable with.

I understand that you’re struggling. Because I’ve been there.

I’ve been at the point where getting out of bed feels pointless, where you want to be locked alone in your room and held by someone at the same time.

I have struggled.

And I am struggling.

And I will struggle for the rest of my life, probably.

But I’m also surviving, and living, and laughing, which I never thought I’d ever be able to say again.

So to the people who are struggling, I want to say that I know how endless this feels to you right now. And I can’t promise you that one day it will magically disappear and everything will be OK. But I can say with certainty that it will get better. One day, the weight in your chest will feel a little lighter. And it’ll only take you nine minutes to get up the courage to venture out of your bed instead of 10. And you’ll want to be around people again.

And when you smile, you’ll actually mean it. I promise."

Candice Todd_

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## wiesbang

Neuk said:


> @TheLongTwitch, @wiesbang, @footpeg and of course, my good friend @brotiform, thank you for sharing your stories with us, I can only imagine how hard it is to put them down in words. I am struggling to find the right words to respond to your stories but there is one theme that is common to all your stories, that of not giving up no matter what. I subscribe to a number of groups and got this article last night which gets a point across better than I could...
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/09/a-message-to-people-who-are-struggling-right-now/
> 
> _"To the people who are struggling right now,
> 
> I first want to tell you that you are not imagining this. You are not “insane.” There is nothing wrong with you.
> 
> You are broken right now, yes, but you are also beautiful. You can be both at the same time.
> 
> I know right now it seems like nothing will ever be right again. I know it feels like there is nothing good left in this world, like there is nothing worth holding on for.
> 
> I know some days all you can do is sit on your bed and cry, and I know it feels like no one understands what you’re going through.
> 
> I get the crushing weight you feel in your chest, the way your stomach clenches and your hands shake, the way your mind is a whirlwind of thoughts that you can’t even begin to sift through right now.
> 
> I understand how your heart aches for no reason, how you feel numb even on the best of days.
> 
> I get how you feel alone even when you’re surrounded by a room full of people you used to be comfortable with.
> 
> I understand that you’re struggling. Because I’ve been there.
> 
> I’ve been at the point where getting out of bed feels pointless, where you want to be locked alone in your room and held by someone at the same time.
> 
> I have struggled.
> 
> And I am struggling.
> 
> And I will struggle for the rest of my life, probably.
> 
> But I’m also surviving, and living, and laughing, which I never thought I’d ever be able to say again.
> 
> So to the people who are struggling, I want to say that I know how endless this feels to you right now. And I can’t promise you that one day it will magically disappear and everything will be OK. But I can say with certainty that it will get better. One day, the weight in your chest will feel a little lighter. And it’ll only take you nine minutes to get up the courage to venture out of your bed instead of 10. And you’ll want to be around people again.
> 
> And when you smile, you’ll actually mean it. I promise."
> 
> Candice Todd_


Thanks Nic

That was very beautiful!

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## brotiform

Today , I am rock bottom.

I lay here on my bed in despair. The only things crossing my mind are suicide and buying drugs and getting lost in a place where I don't have to be me.

I am in that space where I feel trapped , alone and emotionless. I have no appetite , nor will ad desire.

I want to give up , more than ever , I just want to stop feeling this emotionless exhaustion. I am so tired of fighting every day only to make no progress or steps to recovery. 

I am alone where I am not alone...

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## footpeg

Strongs to all u precoius beautiful guys and girls!

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## footpeg

brotiform said:


> Today , I am rock bottom.
> 
> I lay here on my bed in despair. The only things crossing my mind are suicide and buying drugs and getting lost in a place where I don't have to be me.
> 
> I am in that space where I feel trapped , alone and emotionless. I have no appetite , nor will ad desire.
> 
> I want to give up , more than ever , I just want to stop feeling this emotionless exhaustion. I am so tired of fighting every day only to make no progress or steps to recovery.
> 
> I am alone where I am not alone...


Chin up bud its not easy but u have plenty people rooting for u and believing in u. U have the power to change ur situation. Only you can do it. U have a support system and a place to talk. May that feeling u have become a good feeling. The positive side is u are still feeling something. May you be blessed with positivity and good @brotiform. U are stronger than you know and can get through this remember the only way from the bottom is up. Just take baby steps one day at a time. There is no rush to healing. It will come with time.





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## TheLongTwitch

My heart goes out to you @brotiform 

Everything you have written thus far has resounded with me and I feel EXACTLY as you do!
It doesn't help knowing that there is someone suffering as much as you are, but it may just ease your emptiness just a little bit to know that you started something good here in this thread!

It may be vapers in general, or the awesome community we have on this forum;
But there is a lot of love in this thread....especially for you bro!

I wish there was something easy to say or do!!!
(but we both know that there isn't, or we'd have an easier time dealing with this)

What you should know is:
Your post, although sad, is going to have and cause so much love to be thrown your way over the next few hours of people reading it and wanting to give you reason to push forward, that you only need hang in there a few minutes before you see the kindness and amazing love for you and your current pain.

Hang in there!
....if only for a few short minutes, but the love is coming!
You'll see!!!! 

P.S. Ecigssa members; please prove me right!

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## Rob Fisher



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## footpeg

Much love to u @brotiform

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## Andre

The courageous people in this thread and you, @brotiform, have touched my soul and given me hope for humanity. Stephen Covey said: "To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.". If you can spark that, there is hope for you and all of us.

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## Feliks Karp

I feel like a ******* cigarette.

I succeeded once in killing myself but the void decided to throw me back, so I often wonder if there is in fact any point in trying again. Which is when I usually smoke, because it seems to fufill my death drive without actually commiting to something that I'll probably fail at again.

Alot of trivial (in the greater scheme of things) but trying things have happened in the last week, and I'm just at a point where I feel like I may just fall down. I feel such guilt because I'm not starving nor living in my own filth as so many people all around the planet do, but I feel like life just enjoys whispering sweet nothings to me while it penetrates me roughly. 

I feel stranded in a murky ocean where things swim passed my legs, chewing at my flesh, while the dead drift around me, whispering.

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## KimVapeDashian

Feliks Karp said:


> I feel like a ******* cigarette.
> 
> I succeeded once in killing myself but the void decided to throw me back, so I often wonder if there is in fact any point in trying again. Which is when I usually smoke, because it seems to fufill my death drive without actually commiting to something that I'll probably fail at again.
> 
> Alot of trivial (in the greater scheme of things) but trying things have happened in the last week, and I'm just at a point where I feel like I may just fall down. I feel such guilt because I'm not starving nor living in my own filth as so many people all around the planet do, but I feel like life just enjoys whispering sweet nothings to me while it penetrates me roughly.
> 
> I feel stranded in a murky ocean where things swim passed my legs, chewing at my flesh, while the dead drift around me, whispering.



You better hang into this reality, I honor your opinions, sarcasm and irreverent nature... I know you have been having a rough week, hang in there...

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## Feliks Karp

KimVapeDashian said:


> You better hang into this reality, I honor your opinions, sarcasm and irreverent nature... I know you have been having a rough week, hang in there...



Thanks bud, think I just needed a vent.


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## brotiform

I'd like to thank all of you yesterday for the very positive , inspiring and kind words! I was in a bad headspace and it was touching to read the messages of love and support from each and every one of you. 

I can not express my gratitude towards all of you but I am thankful for all of you!

My message to everyone for the day :

You are important , you matter , you are loved. You may not see it , you may not feel it and you may not believe it , but you ARE IT!
Do not let your depression define who you are as a person. Your depression makes up just one tiny part of your being , and is overshadowed by all of your beautiful qualities and you deserve to know that.

Chin up , eyes forward and one foot in front of the other. Even if it's one step at a time , it is progress and you are on the right track. Depression may have won a battle , but we'll win the war. We will come out better , stronger and more alive then ever before. 

Yesterday I let depression win by taking passive steps , today I have a positive attitude and I am choosing to be proactive. If you feel low , speak out , time out or walk out of where you currently are. Lets make the changes before we get down.

I am not one for motivational speaking like the individuals in this thread , but I wish you all a very happy friday and remind you that you've made it , you're alive and you keep being your beautiful self everyday!

️

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## Neuk

Today, I have had a bad day, I am drained from work and training this week and simply not dealing with the thoughts and emotions floating around my head. I won't let it get to me though, I will push on, I will take what I need to from today and hope that I wake up tomorrow in a better space...






#ITSOKTOTALK

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## wiesbang

Neuk said:


> Today, I have had a bad day, I am drained from work and training this week and simply not dealing with the thoughts and emotions floating around my head. I won't let it get to me though, I will push on, I will take what I need to from today and hope that I wake up tomorrow in a better space...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> #ITSOKTOTALK








Here for you!

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## brotiform

#itsokaytotalk

Sending all of you my love for the weekend!!

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## gatecrasherza1

Same to you my friend, wishing you an awesome weekend.

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## brotiform

Just got the news I am going for an interview at TARA for their 8 week inpatient program , psychotherapy ward , as I am too high of a suicide risk.

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## blujeenz

brotiform said:


> Just got the news I am going for an interview at TARA for their 8 week inpatient program , psychotherapy ward , as I am too high of a suicide risk.


Hoping you conquer your demons lad, all the best with the way forward.

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## Feliks Karp

brotiform said:


> Just got the news I am going for an interview at TARA for their 8 week inpatient program , psychotherapy ward , as I am too high of a suicide risk.


TARA is actually pretty decent, good enviroment, quite a bit of freedom and when I went for my interview the staff were really nice people. Less like a hospital more like a safe home to get to grips with what is going on inside. Good luck man.

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## ebi20manu

brotiform said:


> Just got the news I am going for an interview at TARA for their 8 week inpatient program , psychotherapy ward , as I am too high of a suicide risk.


Don't worry bro... Today is your day... You will conquer it all... Best of luck to you bro

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## Neuk

brotiform said:


> Just got the news I am going for an interview at TARA for their 8 week inpatient program , psychotherapy ward , as I am too high of a suicide risk.



I don't know how, I don't know when and I don't know where but you will crawl out of this blanket of darkness and in to the light of a new life where you will be in a better place. It won't be easy, it won't be quick but it will be worth it and I will be there every step of the way to motivate you, to encourage you, to pick you up but also to give you crap if you need it. Keep moving, keep pushing, keep believing because you are worth it, you are loved, you are important, you matter!

Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other...

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## JB1987

Hi guys,

I've been reading this thread a few times over since I discovered it on Sunday wondering whether I should post something or not. Eventually I thought that I've gone through most of my life trying to be self sufficient and suffering in silence, believing that my condition was my own burden to carry and that other people won't understand it unless they are a psychologist whom I'm paying for their time (nothing against them btw, I've had a brilliant one for 4 years now).

I've been suffering from bipolar II for most of my life, undiagnosed for about 12 years and now being treated for 4 years (highly medicated at the moment). I've had my fair share of suicidal thoughts and I still do on a frequent basis, have only had 2 close encounters though. 

Basically what I'm trying to say is that reading about all of you on here and what you are going through has made me realise that I'm not alone, that in some way we all fight together. Yes we do fall sometimes, but we must always try to climb back out of the darkness. When times are good we tend to forget how bad the darkness is and feel as if we have failed when we fall again but we need to remind ourselves that we have crawled out before and we must keep doing so every single time. 

When times are tough, having a friend or someone to talk to can make a big difference, even if just to make you feel a bit less alone. I can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely, perhaps that's why I'm so quiet at meetings such as Vapecon. 

I live in the Paulshof area in Sandton, if any of you ever need a friend to talk to or just to have a vape with, please feel free to contact me. We can all do with some more friends in this world. 

Good luck to everyone fighting their battles, never give up, there is always one more day. Remember, you are not alone.

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## JB1987

Feliks Karp said:


> I feel like a ******* cigarette.
> 
> I succeeded once in killing myself but the void decided to throw me back, so I often wonder if there is in fact any point in trying again. Which is when I usually smoke, because it seems to fufill my death drive without actually commiting to something that I'll probably fail at again.
> 
> Alot of trivial (in the greater scheme of things) but trying things have happened in the last week, and I'm just at a point where I feel like I may just fall down. I feel such guilt because I'm not starving nor living in my own filth as so many people all around the planet do, but I feel like life just enjoys whispering sweet nothings to me while it penetrates me roughly.
> 
> I feel stranded in a murky ocean where things swim passed my legs, chewing at my flesh, while the dead drift around me, whispering.



Hope things are going better this week @Feliks Karp , hang in there. Please feel free to PM me if you ever need a chat when things are tough or even just to vent.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Feliks Karp

JB1987 said:


> Hope things are going better this week @Feliks Karp , hang in there. Please feel free to PM me if you ever need a chat when things are tough or even just to vent.


Thank you, that's very kind thing to do for someone. This week really hasn't improved much,but I did finally get running water back and so I'm trying my best to keep it in perspective. These are the days that I wish I could take medication, but most anti-depressents disagree with me, some even put me bordering on a psychotic break, mood stabilizers and anti-convulsents absolutely destroy my ability to speak properly, and lithium did nothing but give me tremors. They say I have an abnormal alpha brain pattern but it's not common enough to have a model with which to treat it. So it's either I try keep my shit together myself or let them throw medication at me untill something takes. But good people like yourself and the good friends I've made on this forum help with that.

Reactions: Like 3


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## brotiform

Morning. Thanks to everyone for the support , very much appreciated , now that I am not suicidal I can explain my situation a little better :

1. Electro Therapy is used for patients who are not recovering fully on medication. It's purpose is to stimulate serotonin production and receptor activity. 

2. I am going for an interview at TARA for their long term program as my doctors and I are not sure I will not be ready by next Friday. 

3. I am going to have to sell my car , my half of the house my wife and I own and we are going to have to start writing up a divorce settlement.

This week has been very very taxing and I have tried to avoid any serious topics for a few days to try and keep my thoughts positive.

It is touching to see more and more members reaching out in this thread , sharing their stories and their illnesses. 

It is inspiring and motivating for me that something as simple as a little hand gesture , could bring us together , to a safe place on this forum , where we can provide & receive support from each other. This here , is an online version of the group therapy I attend every day.
You don't have to participate , you can simply read if you like , but the sheer fact that you can identify or relate to others is sometimes exactly what you need. Sometimes you find hope in the strangest places , I know I did by seeing people who appear perfectly normal to be in the same difficult situation you are. 

Mental illness is a disease , it is a chronic illness that we have for life , much like diabetes or asthma. 
It can be genetic or trauma induced , but the simple fact is that you should not feel weak or ashamed of who you are, ever.
This is an illness that cannot be cured , BUT it can be treated and healed and we can live out lifes with a sense of normality if we are willing to change out mindsets and accept the help offered to us.

Mental illness does not define who we are entirely , it blurs our perspective that this disease only makes up for a very small part of our composition. Do not become your illness!

I am not a great advocate for mental illness currently , but I see recovery all around me on a daily basis. I relate to people who have very similar circumstances to me and it's important to know , no matter what , that you are NOT alone!

You are important , you matter and you are loved

Reactions: Like 4


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## Neuk

JB1987 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I've been reading this thread a few times over since I discovered it on Sunday wondering whether I should post something or not. Eventually I thought that I've gone through most of my life trying to be self sufficient and suffering in silence, believing that my condition was my own burden to carry and that other people won't understand it unless they are a psychologist whom I'm paying for their time (nothing against them btw, I've had a brilliant one for 4 years now).
> 
> I've been suffering from bipolar II for most of my life, undiagnosed for about 12 years and now being treated for 4 years (highly medicated at the moment). I've had my fair share of suicidal thoughts and I still do on a frequent basis, have only had 2 close encounters though.
> 
> Basically what I'm trying to say is that reading about all of you on here and what you are going through has made me realise that I'm not alone, that in some way we all fight together. Yes we do fall sometimes, but we must always try to climb back out of the darkness. When times are good we tend to forget how bad the darkness is and feel as if we have failed when we fall again but we need to remind ourselves that we have crawled out before and we must keep doing so every single time.
> 
> When times are tough, having a friend or someone to talk to can make a big difference, even if just to make you feel a bit less alone. I can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely, perhaps that's why I'm so quiet at meetings such as Vapecon.
> 
> I live in the Paulshof area in Sandton, if any of you ever need a friend to talk to or just to have a vape with, please feel free to contact me. We can all do with some more friends in this world.
> 
> Good luck to everyone fighting their battles, never give up, there is always one more day. Remember, you are not alone.



Thanks for sharing JB1987, I appreciate each and every story and despite not always being able to relate I offer the same as I do to others. Feel free to PM if you would like to chat about anything.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Neuk

JB1987 said:


> Hope things are going better this week @Feliks Karp , hang in there. Please feel free to PM me if you ever need a chat when things are tough or even just to vent.



@Feliks Karp, I will make the same offer, PM me if you need to chat or vent. I can't always help but I am here to listen.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## brotiform

Agree with Nic , I am a bit slack right now , but am always open and willing to help.

If you want to join our whatsapp support group , please send your forum name and real name to 0828503154


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## Neuk

brotiform said:


> Morning. Thanks to everyone for the support , very much appreciated , now that I am not suicidal I can explain my situation a little better :
> 
> 1. Electro Therapy is used for patients who are not recovering fully on medication. It's purpose is to stimulate serotonin production and receptor activity.
> 
> 2. I am going for an interview at TARA for their long term program as my doctors and I are not sure I will not be ready by next Friday.
> 
> 3. I am going to have to sell my car , my half of the house my wife and I own and we are going to have to start writing up a divorce settlement.
> 
> This week has been very very taxing and I have tried to avoid any serious topics for a few days to try and keep my thoughts positive.
> 
> It is touching to see more and more members reaching out in this thread , sharing their stories and their illnesses.
> 
> It is inspiring and motivating for me that something as simple as a little hand gesture , could bring us together , to a safe place on this forum , where we can provide & receive support from each other. This here , is an online version of the group therapy I attend every day.
> You don't have to participate , you can simply read if you like , but the sheer fact that you can identify or relate to others is sometimes exactly what you need. Sometimes you find hope in the strangest places , I know I did by seeing people who appear perfectly normal to be in the same difficult situation you are.
> 
> Mental illness is a disease , it is a chronic illness that we have for life , much like diabetes or asthma.
> It can be genetic or trauma induced , but the simple fact is that you should not feel weak or ashamed of who you are, ever.
> This is an illness that cannot be cured , BUT it can be treated and healed and we can live out lifes with a sense of normality if we are willing to change out mindsets and accept the help offered to us.
> 
> Mental illness does not define who we are entirely , it blurs our perspective that this disease only makes up for a very small part of our composition. Do not become your illness!
> 
> I am not a great advocate for mental illness currently , but I see recovery all around me on a daily basis. I relate to people who have very similar circumstances to me and it's important to know , no matter what , that you are NOT alone!
> 
> You are important , you matter and you are loved



I read this this morning and thought of you...

"One day, I decided to let the light in. No one would ever choose to live in darkness. I started telling people who were close to me about my diagnosis. I then talked with extended family members, classmates and coworkers. A funny thing happened once I started to share my story. I found out I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was. I heard the phrase, 'Me too,' come out of many people’s mouth. I found out that I wasn’t the only one who struggled."

From here...

https://themighty.com/2016/09/what-happens-when-you-tell-people-youre-depressed/

Reactions: Like 1


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## Feliks Karp

This thread really helps to thin out my current gloom with all the kindness that has been shown through all the offers to help and the experiences shared. There are alot of good people on this forum.

Reactions: Like 4


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## Viper_SA

Thought I'd post a poem I wrote back in 2001. It was written after 2 bottles of KWV 5 year old brandy, so excuse if it doesn't always rhyme. I wrote it with a cigarette in hand and a statue of the Grim Reaper I used to have next to me. This was a few months after my 1st fiance told me she was raped by an Indian guy at a club. A few months later, at a shrink appointment, she suddenly admitted it was a lie because I once told her how much respect I had for a stripper buddy of mine that was raped, and how brave she was. She made up the story because she was jealous ... still can't believe it as I type this really. Anyway, this was the first time in my life I actually contemplated ending it all, since then, there have been a few occasions I felt like that, and I tried about 4.5 years ago. Thankfully it was a failed attempt, because in my stupor I sent whatsapp messages to several people saying goodbye. My mom found me just after the pills kicked in and I sorta passed out with a knife in my hand. Could have been far worse hey. Maybe one day when I feel like typing an essay, I'll elaborate on some more things. 

Just a question though, anyone in this "group" that to self-mutalation? Like cutting, and that sort of thing? Many years ago, before I was diagnosed I used to burn myself with cigarettes, beat my legs and chest till it was blue and purple, and sometimes even hit myself in the head. It was just easier to convert the pain and numbness into something physical. Just a quick blurp. 

Anyway, here is my poem. Will post more when I find the hdd they are on.

*Untitled*


_Hello Darkness my old friend,_

I’ve come to talk with you again…
_No one understands me – better than You._

_You know me inside out_

_._

_I don’t know what I’ll say,_

_I don’t know what I’ll hear,_

_I don’t know when You’ll come for me,_

_But tonight I wish it’d be soon!_


_One thing that I do know though,_

_Is that You’ll come for me eventually….!_

_And as my time draws near,_

_I sit and count the days with sweet anticipation._


_I know I’ll not get the angel of death that Jesus sends,_

_I know I’ll get you…_

_I know that when you come,_

_I shall get the Reaper!_


_But I will not be afraid,_

_For we’ve been "friends" so long…_

_You’ve been my shadow all my life – _

_Always just a step behind._


_I know you’ll come for me, scythe in hand_

_And beckon me to you, with bony finger stretched out straight._

_Then I will walk with you to the valley of death,_

_And my blood will spill from your sacred bowl._


_You will be my ferryman,_

_We’ll travel the River of Life-and-Death,_

_And when they finally split,_

_I know which fork we’ll take!_


_We’ll take the fork to the left,_

_Down the river of Death._

_The souls of the dead will try to sink our boat_

_But they will not succeed – _

_- For you are still my ferryman,_

_The keeper of my soul._


_I will go with my head held high,_

_On towards my final destination…_

_And as we near the gates of hell,_

_We’ll stop and wait a while…_


_We’ll smoke the day’s last cigarette_

_And talk of days gone by…_

_And as the time draws near,_

_The sand in my hourglass almost gone,_

_I will ask for just one thing :_

_"Let the final blow be swift!"_


_And You will grant me this last wish,_

_For I have been a faithful servant._

_This is how I see the end,_

_I don’t know when it will come,_

_But I hope it shall be soon…_

_I don’t know if I’ll have the guts,_

_To go and look for You,_

_But this one thing, I know to be true,_

_I know You’ll come for me – eventually._

Reactions: Like 3


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## Clouds4Days

Hello my fellow vaping peeps...

Hats off too everyone for being so brave and standing up and fighting to gain your lives back.
I wish yous all the strength in the world and give yous all my love.

I am very intrigued about mental illnesses such as depression and bipolar.
My Aunt has suffered from Depression and i have seen what it looka like but cant imagine what it must feel like.

I would like everyone who is going or has gone through this darkness too please share your wisdom with me and explain to me how you got to the point yous have.
This is not a study or something.

The reason for my question is Ive gone through tough times in my younger years and hold things inside of me that are better kept there but will never be forgotten.
When i go through tough times my memory kicks in and all my emotions just start running wild.

About a year ago went through a bit of a rough patch on a daily basis for about a month at work, but pulled through.
But during this time my mind was telling me wtf are you doing in this world and i envisioned cutting myself from this world.

It did not go further than the envisions and since ive pulled through my mind has been cleared.

But i just wanna know is this how the darkness kreeps in on yous or am i just overthinking it.

Any how my prayers and thoughts are with all of yous.
God bless

Reactions: Like 1


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## brotiform

@Viper_SA , I have no words , your story is moving and I am thankful you were able to share that with us , especially your poem! ️

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## brotiform

@Clouds4Days

In a nutshell :

Depression is comprised of chronic lows that cannot be shaken , these can last a few hours or a few days. Your self worth is non existent and you feel empty and numb.

Bipolar comprises of manic highs and lows throughout the day. Imagine going through all 4 seasons in a few hours or single day. Effectively that is bi polar.

Both of these conditions are relatively easy to diagnose through a standardized MCMI test , which will indicate your characteristics , I'll share mine with this in case you havent seen it or are unsure what to expect. It is around 160 true and false questions and takes a few minutes to do. The results are then reviewed with the psychologist who referred you.

"Normal" people recover from daily lows or struggles more easily , however , if you find yourself battling to "shake it off" or anything as such then it's worth doing the assessment bud.

Look after yourself and feel free to whatsapp me should you want anything further

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## Clouds4Days

brotiform said:


> @Clouds4Days
> 
> In a nutshell :
> 
> Depression is comprised of chronic lows that cannot be shaken , these can last a few hours or a few days. Your self worth is non existent and you feel empty and numb.
> 
> Bipolar comprises of manic highs and lows throughout the day. Imagine going through all 4 seasons in a few hours or single day. Effectively that is bi polar.
> 
> Both of these conditions are relatively easy to diagnose through a standardized MCMI test , which will indicate your characteristics , I'll share mine with this in case you havent seen it or are unsure what to expect. It is around 160 true and false questions and takes a few minutes to do. The results are then reviewed with the psychologist who referred you.
> 
> "Normal" people recover from daily lows or struggles more easily , however , if you find yourself battling to "shake it off" or anything as such then it's worth doing the assessment bud.
> 
> Look after yourself and feel free to whatsapp me should you want anything further



Thanks bud i apreciate it.

Ive been ok for a while now.
I found remedy through laughter and clowning around.

I try and make the people around me laugh and be happy and in turn seeing them smile makes me happy.

But if ever i feel its getting too much to handle i will take up your advise bud and go check myself out.

Hope everyone has a super dooper day...
Todays a new day and will be a better day than yesterday.
Stay positive and conquer all
Much love.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Thought I'd post a poem I wrote back in 2001. It was written after 2 bottles of KWV 5 year old brandy, so excuse if it doesn't always rhyme. I wrote it with a cigarette in hand and a statue of the Grim Reaper I used to have next to me. This was a few months after my 1st fiance told me she was raped by an Indian guy at a club. A few months later, at a shrink appointment, she suddenly admitted it was a lie because I once told her how much respect I had for a stripper buddy of mine that was raped, and how brave she was. She made up the story because she was jealous ... still can't believe it as I type this really. Anyway, this was the first time in my life I actually contemplated ending it all, since then, there have been a few occasions I felt like that, and I tried about 4.5 years ago. Thankfully it was a failed attempt, because in my stupor I sent whatsapp messages to several people saying goodbye. My mom found me just after the pills kicked in and I sorta passed out with a knife in my hand. Could have been far worse hey. Maybe one day when I feel like typing an essay, I'll elaborate on some more things.
> 
> Just a question though, anyone in this "group" that to self-mutalation? Like cutting, and that sort of thing? Many years ago, before I was diagnosed I used to burn myself with cigarettes, beat my legs and chest till it was blue and purple, and sometimes even hit myself in the head. It was just easier to convert the pain and numbness into something physical. Just a quick blurp.
> 
> Anyway, here is my poem. Will post more when I find the hdd they are on.
> 
> *Untitled*
> 
> 
> _Hello Darkness my old friend,_
> 
> I’ve come to talk with you again…
> _No one understands me – better than You._
> 
> _You know me inside out_
> 
> _._
> 
> _I don’t know what I’ll say,_
> 
> _I don’t know what I’ll hear,_
> 
> _I don’t know when You’ll come for me,_
> 
> _But tonight I wish it’d be soon!_
> 
> 
> _One thing that I do know though,_
> 
> _Is that You’ll come for me eventually….!_
> 
> _And as my time draws near,_
> 
> _I sit and count the days with sweet anticipation._
> 
> 
> _I know I’ll not get the angel of death that Jesus sends,_
> 
> _I know I’ll get you…_
> 
> _I know that when you come,_
> 
> _I shall get the Reaper!_
> 
> 
> _But I will not be afraid,_
> 
> _For we’ve been "friends" so long…_
> 
> _You’ve been my shadow all my life – _
> 
> _Always just a step behind._
> 
> 
> _I know you’ll come for me, scythe in hand_
> 
> _And beckon me to you, with bony finger stretched out straight._
> 
> _Then I will walk with you to the valley of death,_
> 
> _And my blood will spill from your sacred bowl._
> 
> 
> _You will be my ferryman,_
> 
> _We’ll travel the River of Life-and-Death,_
> 
> _And when they finally split,_
> 
> _I know which fork we’ll take!_
> 
> 
> _We’ll take the fork to the left,_
> 
> _Down the river of Death._
> 
> _The souls of the dead will try to sink our boat_
> 
> _But they will not succeed – _
> 
> _- For you are still my ferryman,_
> 
> _The keeper of my soul._
> 
> 
> _I will go with my head held high,_
> 
> _On towards my final destination…_
> 
> _And as we near the gates of hell,_
> 
> _We’ll stop and wait a while…_
> 
> 
> _We’ll smoke the day’s last cigarette_
> 
> _And talk of days gone by…_
> 
> _And as the time draws near,_
> 
> _The sand in my hourglass almost gone,_
> 
> _I will ask for just one thing :_
> 
> _"Let the final blow be swift!"_
> 
> 
> _And You will grant me this last wish,_
> 
> _For I have been a faithful servant._
> 
> _This is how I see the end,_
> 
> _I don’t know when it will come,_
> 
> _But I hope it shall be soon…_
> 
> _I don’t know if I’ll have the guts,_
> 
> _To go and look for You,_
> 
> _But this one thing, I know to be true,_
> 
> _I know You’ll come for me – eventually._



Wow, I have no words other than to thank you for sharing @Viper_SA, I certainly appreciate it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## Neuk

Clouds4Days said:


> Hello my fellow vaping peeps...
> 
> Hats off too everyone for being so brave and standing up and fighting to gain your lives back.
> I wish yous all the strength in the world and give yous all my love.
> 
> I am very intrigued about mental illnesses such as depression and bipolar.
> My Aunt has suffered from Depression and i have seen what it looka like but cant imagine what it must feel like.
> 
> I would like everyone who is going or has gone through this darkness too please share your wisdom with me and explain to me how you got to the point yous have.
> This is not a study or something.
> 
> The reason for my question is Ive gone through tough times in my younger years and hold things inside of me that are better kept there but will never be forgotten.
> When i go through tough times my memory kicks in and all my emotions just start running wild.
> 
> About a year ago went through a bit of a rough patch on a daily basis for about a month at work, but pulled through.
> But during this time my mind was telling me wtf are you doing in this world and i envisioned cutting myself from this world.
> 
> It did not go further than the envisions and since ive pulled through my mind has been cleared.
> 
> But i just wanna know is this how the darkness kreeps in on yous or am i just overthinking it.
> 
> Any how my prayers and thoughts are with all of yous.
> God bless



Thanks for sharing @Clouds4Days, please feel free to PM me should you want to chat or vent or ask any questions, I am not a therapist or professional but am always willing to listen or give my opinion or advice.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

Found my other poems. Not many people have seen these, so be gentle with the criticism

*Rage_Part 1*


*Rage, rage against the dying of the light,*

*Rage against the coming of the night.*

*Rage against the darkness in your mind,*

*Rage against the coldness of your soul.*


*Rage, rage against the demon in your mind,*

*Rage against the demons of the past.*

*Rage against the darkness of yesteryear,*

*Rage against the chains that bind.*


*Fight, fight against the madness in your head,*

*Fight to keep your sanity.*

*Fight not to stay alive, but*

*Fight to save humanity.*


*Shield, shield against the cruelty of our world,*

*Shield your soul from evil’s cold,*

*Shield your eyes from anger’s glare.*

*Shield yourself my child – from the demon’s sword.*


*Help; help me save the day,*

*Help me while my steps falter and my eyes blur.*

*Help me while my muscles ache,*

*Help me while my sword arm bleeds.*


*Part 2*

*Everyday I fight the fight;*

*Fight against myself…*


*Everyday I try, try without success.*

*My sword’s grown blunt,*

*My armour’s perished,*

*And my heart’s grown weak…*

*I’m losing my will,*

*The will to succeed – *

*Against these overwhelming odds!*


*Part 3*

*Come to me now,*

*And help me fight this fight.*

*Let us win this fight,*

*Not for glory – but for love!*


*Bring me now your love,*

*Let it wrap around me like a cloak,*

*To heal my wounds and mend my armour.*

*Let your love keep me warm…*


*Bring me your warm smile,*

*To lift my spirits when I’m down,*

*To breathe new life*

*Into my tired form…*


*Give yourself to me now,*

*Let us join and be one.*

*Together we’ll be stronger – *

*To beat our inner demons…*


*I need you beside me,*

*To be my bride – my warrior princess!*

*Our love combined will sharpen my sword – *

*To deal the killing blow…!*


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## Viper_SA

*Heart's Destiny*


*Like a shooting star, *

*speeding through the night sky*

*Coming so close in the sky,*

*but never quite the brightest star.*


*Thus is the life of us mortals,*

*like a shooting star racing through space,*

*on it's way to the fabled meeting place...*

*To meet on a blind date in destiny's halls.*


*Lucky is the few, whose shooting stars*

*completes the journey before winking out...*

*The souls who always finds it cold out,*

*must be the ones with burnt-out stars...*


*Here is my message then :*

*To all those with the brightest stars*

*and, indeed, the spent-up stars,*

*I bid you farewell then...*


*I find myself staring down at my waning star,*

*looking on helpless, from the outside,*

*seeing life wash away in the tide.*

*Destiny's blind date has missed my star...*


*Now my cold heart I will lock up,*

*close the doors to the barren waste,*

*always craving the rain's taste.*

*Never losing hope, always looking up!*


*I shall cast out the door's key,*

*to prevent them from opening to the wrong ones,*

*and waiting for the right ones,*

*to find my hearts key...*


*My heart will stay locked-up thus,*

*with a guard posted at the gates,*

*to banish deceivers from the gates,*

*and keep what's left intact thus,*


*Until that special someone finds the key,*

*to become the master of past*

*and present*

*and opens my heart with the key.*


*Imagine my surprise when I'll see,*

*that it was not my heart's key,*

*and not a key at all*

*that made the blind man see!*


*The master of past and present,*

*will bring to my barren heart the rains,*

*erase all that was and take in her hands the reigns,*

*to steer me to the shining crescent!*


*Here is my message then :*

*To all the fading stars, *

*don't attempt to steer your stars...*

_*all we need is love then...*_

Reactions: Like 2


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## brotiform

Thank you so much Tinus , I have no criticism at all and found your words so relatable. I applaud you!!

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Neuk

Wow @Viper_SA, very deep and meaningful words.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## ddk1979



Reactions: Like 2 | Thanks 1


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## Waine

Life can be tough, but my vaping hobby and engaging on this forum keeps me occupied and my mind off my problems. I learn something new, vaping related, every week. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lord Vetinari

blujeenz said:


> Im neither mocking nor making light of anyones state of mental health, dont mistake my clowning around in other threads as shallow inability or lack of empathy.
> 
> I hear you.
> Im saying that sign is more than just an "Ok", as evidenced by its appearance in the last 50yrs in mainstream media.
> When did the good old "thumbs up" get replaced as a universal sign for "good" ?


Nah man. This is a serious thread. I just pulled through a very dark patch myself. Lets keep David Icke and his madness away. Thumbs up is NOT universal for OK. In diving it means 'I am surfacing'and the OK symbol is the ringed fingers. Pilots also use this as an affirmative as far as I recall. Thumbs up is less universal tbh. 

Anyhow much respect to those able to share. I will think about doing so myself. But personally I am more of a sweep it under the carpet and sweat in terror all night kinda guy.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## JB1987

I see no one has posted in a while, just wanted to wish everyone well with their internal battles. Always remember, you are not alone.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Thanks 2


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## Viper_SA

Some days it's hard to admit that you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do you tell people that you spend most of your time thinking about eating a bullet. Don't think the change from Lithium to Epitec is really working for me.


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## Viper_SA



Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Effjh

Viper_SA said:


> Some days it's hard to admit that you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do you tell people that you spend most of your time thinking about eating a bullet. Don't think the change from Lithium to Epitec is really working for me.



Hey bud.. if your meds aren't working for you, speak to your health care professional ASAP to look at alternatives and inform them when you are at a lower point. My old man "ate a bullet" because he stopped taking his meds and didn't seek help when things got worse. 

If you decide to eat a bullet you won't feel a thing, but the people that love and care about you will feel the worst pain imaginable. Hang in there, but not by yourself or for yourself, seek help when it gets dark, don't close up and don't be ashamed to admit it to others. You will pull through again with support from friends, family and doctors.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4


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## Viper_SA

Thanks people, feeling much better today. Might just be the fact, that I haven't had a vacation since 2009 and haven't gotten laid in almost 5 years  Oh, and I don't own a firearm, so that is a major obsticle anywah

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## craigb

Any day that I make it through to bedtime is considered a good day by me.
More is nog 'n dag.

@Viper_SA : the universe hates us - that's why we have to take those damn meds. Survive to spite the universe. World + dog aint beaten us yet so screw 'em. Let the universe throw its worst. We've already proven strong enough up to now - even though some days we didn't know how we made it - we still f***ing made it!!!

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## Neuk

I haven't been on ecigssa in a while, it is a mad rush to the end of the year at work so I am super busy at the moment. I hope everyone is doing well?

@Viper_SA Hang in there bud, I won't pretend to know what you are going through, but I know for sure that eating a bullet is not the answer.

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## AniDey

Does anyone know how @brotiform is?


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## Feliks Karp

On the verge of losing my shit. The jukskei river flooded hard today and eventually came in to my house,lost a lot of stuff, my car even flipped - complete write off - almost drown saving my dog, lost a bunch of photos and childhood stuff, my house is like swamp. Really just **** this year.


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## Viper_SA

Holy shyte man, that sucks! As long as everyone is alive and well, I suppose it's a silver lining. Please let us know how things progress

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## Feliks Karp

I don't even know wtf to start, I guess calling the bank is the best thing, after that **** me, I have no idea and I'm so terrified it will rain again like this tonight. My house stinks to high heaven, still flooded, I was home alone and my blood sugar dropped to pure fumes, I had to eat raw parsnips and some potato because the water had hit a socket, just to get enough energy to try sort out my dogs and break open some sliding doors to allow some of the water out. My outer place is completely bogged up with garbage, the sheer amount of shit that goes in to rivers is mind boggling. My vape went flat, I managed to only lose one pair of batteries and a mod, TF I have two. My neighbours gave me smokes to get me through and charged my phone.

​


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## Caramia

YIKES @Feliks Karp! 
I am so sorry it struck you too. 
This is never nice, and I have not seen such devastation since I was little and the Morelettaspruit came down in Lynnwood. It was scary times!
STRONGS TO YOU! I am certain you will get the strength to pull through this if I were able, I would come help...
Please keep us updated?

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## Neuk

AniDey said:


> Does anyone know how @brotiform is?



He is doing OK, he has his moments but is trying to get his life back on track.

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## Stosta

Feliks Karp said:


> I don't even know wtf to start, I guess calling the bank is the best thing, after that **** me, I have no idea and I'm so terrified it will rain again like this tonight. My house stinks to high heaven, still flooded, I was home alone and my blood sugar dropped to pure fumes, I had to eat raw parsnips and some potato because the water had hit a socket, just to get enough energy to try sort out my dogs and break open some sliding doors to allow some of the water out. My outer place is completely bogged up with garbage, the sheer amount of shit that goes in to rivers is mind boggling. My vape went flat, I managed to only lose one pair of batteries and a mod, TF I have two. My neighbours gave me smokes to get me through and charged my phone.
> 
> View attachment 74773​


Wow buddy! That is some serious damage! I wouldn't know where to start either...

Suppose you get your insurance to send an assessor, but I have no idea how long that will take. You let me know if there's anything I can do, but I don't suppose I can do much from the other side of the country, but still, let me know.

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## Neuk

Bloody hell @Feliks Karp  I hope all gets sorted soon and we don't have the same amount of rain tonight!

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## rogue zombie

Jees sorry about that @Feliks Karp 

I heard of some 'Crisis Management' something something getting set up, but I don't know if that is to just for State owned damage, or to help individuals.

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## AniDey

Oh no!! @Feliks Karp 
Hope you see the light soon.

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## Michaelsa

Look, for the better part of my short existence i have battled with this most mocked and overlooked of illnesses. People view it as a state of mind and an issue which is overcome by "manning up", the same mentality which brought me to near D**** on numerous occasions. 
I am stating the above in vagueness for reason. 
I did not succeed in any of my attempts, for whatever reason, It took much mental meditation to come to the realization of what i was living for. 

All i can say is, if you are even contemplating the worst, and you have already come this far. Why not choose to do what makes you happy? After all what is the worst that can happen?

Sincerely, and with much LOVE

Just a human

Michael G. Kay


If anyone here needs anything, at anytime, anywhere, my mobile number is 082 042 0249 DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL.

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## Viper_SA

@Feliks Karp 
Geez bru! Had no kdea it was THAT bad up north. Strongs mate, let us know if you need anything hey

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## Feliks Karp

I'm tip-toeing the line, I'm not a suicide risk, but I'm like on the edge of losing my mind. In total I've lost 4 1/2 kg since the flood, that's now been a week, I'm battling so hard to get my blood sugar up, which is weird because of the diabetes i should want it low, but I've gone hypoglycemic twice in the last week, I ate a kak load of carbs and still woke up with a blood sugar of 4, which isn't bad, but is way lower than it should be considering the carbs I ate. We had 3 home robberies yesterday just up the road, because of structural damage, we ourselves chased off 2 guys here, I had to damage a major door in my house to get the river out when it was flooding, so I'm sitting partly exposed, my own and my neighbours dogs were barking all night, i've had 4 hrs of sleep, my nose has started gushing out blood on a regular basis, I want to live by the sea, drink coffee and write novels.

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## craigb

Feliks Karp said:


> I want to live by the sea, drink coffee and write novels.



Now thats the dream!!! A comfy spot in Paternoster (spelling), good South American Java on tap and a Zombie novel on the go for me please.

Can't help much with the physical situation, but if you need someone to talk/rant at/to that kinda understands the head space, I can PM my number or if you are anywhere near Braamfontein or Benoni at anytime I can offer a KFC or McDs coffee to chat over (even if just about the novels you will write)

Offer stands to @Feliks Karp or anyone else that feels they need someone else that's also a bit f'd in the head to chat with.

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## Viper_SA

So, I snuck away from work to bring my mom to the specialist for her bladder. On the, three school laaities were driving in front of us. If I overtoom them, I'd be over the speed limit in a zone known for traps. So, I kept a 3 car following distance. Next thing the doos slams full on on his brakes. I overtake and carry on, even after being given the bird by all three. Then they come racing up behind me, flashing lights and shit and more birdies. I still ignore them. They take the slipway left, still with the birdies and now fists point at me. So, I calmly show him to pull over so I can crack some heads. More birdies, and off the coward races. Left my mod at work, first thing I reached for was one of mom's stinkies. Why the **** do we even allow people like thks to breed? Days like these I am thankful that I don't own a firearm. I will however be printing some school laaitie targets for next time I take the air rifles out for shoot.

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## craigb

Hey folks

Been off my lithium and anti depressants for a few months now (going to get them put on chronic from next year so this doesn't repeat)

No major blowups at work (yet), no major (or minor) traffic incidents (although those laaities would probably have had my car blocking the road for them - all in all, well handled @Viper_SA ) and more importantly I've managed to contain any manic outbursts before they became a thing.

Just feels like I have ball bearings rolling around my skull, but hey, could be worse, they could be bowling balls rolling around.

Just don't forget, EVERYONE has bad days, even the boring people. 
Don't let the bastards know they getting you down.
The people that love you do understand - and there are people that love you, no matter what your brain chemicals are telling you at the moment.

_*Rock hard, rock strong, rock on!*_

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## Viper_SA

Think I'm going to switch back to lithium from epitec. I'm up till the early hours of the morning, wide awake, and in the mornings I feeem like a truck ran over me. Was late for work 3 times this week. Think it's time to change anti-deps from serdep too. Becoming very irritable and emotionally detached. I'm emotionally constipated, haven't given a shit in weeks.

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## Viper_SA

Okay, doctor time. Are there any highly recommended psychiatrists in the Jhb area? Only two in the Vaal that I know of. One drugs you up to the point of being a zombie, and mine doesn't seem to listen to me when I explain my issues. Keeps telling me I'm grasping at straws with the attitude 'I'm the doctor, you know nothing'. During the work week I'm fine, weekends I struggle heavily with anxiety and ocd-like behaviour, where every little thing in the house and garden must be perfect, and when it's not, I go into a panic state and imagine redoing everthing and spending millions. It's at a point where I simply don't have the energy or motivation to do anything, so shit keeps piling up making the situation worse and worse.


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## Stosta

Viper_SA said:


> Okay, doctor time. Are there any highly recommended psychiatrists in the Jhb area? Only two in the Vaal that I know of. One drugs you up to the point of being a zombie, and mine doesn't seem to listen to me when I explain my issues. Keeps telling me I'm grasping at straws with the attitude 'I'm the doctor, you know nothing'. During the work week I'm fine, weekends I struggle heavily with anxiety and ocd-like behaviour, where every little thing in the house and garden must be perfect, and when it's not, I go into a panic state and imagine redoing everthing and spending millions. It's at a point where I simply don't have the energy or motivation to do anything, so shit keeps piling up making the situation worse and worse.


Sorry to hear you're battling Viper, and sadly I don't know any psychiatrists in JHB. But looking for a new one is definitely the right move if you feel like it's not helping. There are many schools of thought regarding the way a doctor should interact with a patient, so either your current doctor has an incompatible stance for you, or they're just crap. Hope you can find someone decent soon, and try take your tasks one at a time

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## Neuk

Hi all

Catching up on this thread, I hope everyone is doing well, getting through their days and looking forward to the next. I am in a bit of a tough spot at the moment but getting through the tough days and learning to be better on the good ones. I count myself lucky in many ways when reading the stories of others, I have used medication before to try help but have never relied on them, my body and mind just don't do well on them at all so I avoid them as much as possible. I wish I could give advice to @Viper_SA and @craigb but I simply don't know much about medication for mental illness at all. I wish you guys the best of luck in getting to a manageable place where you can find some sembleance of peace and happiness...

@Viper_SA Do you want to be added to the #ITSOKTOTALK WhatsApp group that I started? I can give you the name of my psychologist if you would like? Or the name of an ex girlfriend of mines uncle, who is a psychiatrist?

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## Viper_SA

Yes, @Neuk, that group please. Also, the numbers would be appreciated

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Yes, @Neuk, that group please. Also, the numbers would be appreciated



Added  I'll get those numbers to you shortly...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

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## Michaelsa

Could you please also add my number to the group 082 042 0249


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Okay, doctor time. Are there any highly recommended psychiatrists in the Jhb area? Only two in the Vaal that I know of. One drugs you up to the point of being a zombie, and mine doesn't seem to listen to me when I explain my issues. Keeps telling me I'm grasping at straws with the attitude 'I'm the doctor, you know nothing'. During the work week I'm fine, weekends I struggle heavily with anxiety and ocd-like behaviour, where every little thing in the house and garden must be perfect, and when it's not, I go into a panic state and imagine redoing everthing and spending millions. It's at a point where I simply don't have the energy or motivation to do anything, so shit keeps piling up making the situation worse and worse.



Dr.Ingrid Williamson
Suite 202 North Block 2nd Floor Mediclinic Sandto,
Cnr Peter Place & Main Road,
Bryanston, 2191
+27 11 706 6578

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## Neuk

Michaelsa said:


> Could you please also add my number to the group 082 042 0249



Done Michael.

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## Michaelsa

Neuk said:


> Done Michael.


Really appreciate it Nic


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## Viper_SA

Feliks Karp said:


> Dr.Ingrid Williamson
> Suite 202 North Block 2nd Floor Mediclinic Sandto,
> Cnr Peter Place & Main Road,
> Bryanston, 2191
> +27 11 706 6578



@Feliks Karp 

Any idea what she charges for a consultation?


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> @Feliks Karp
> 
> Any idea what she charges for a consultation?



Hey bud, if I recall it was R1000 the first time and in the R800 range per visit, luckily med-aid paid for it, but she is worth every penny, the best thing would be to phone her office and ask, I went to two quacks before, one was a raging ego-tistical ***** who just threw more and more pills at me, and the other one unfortunately got pancreatic cancer and his heart just wasn't in it. Ingrid is an amazing listener and does not like helping by simply increasing dosages, works with you to solve the issue.

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## Viper_SA

Feliks Karp said:


> Hey bud, if I recall it was R1000 the first time and in the R800 range per visit, luckily med-aid paid for it, but she is worth every penny, the best thing would be to phone her office and ask, I went to two quacks before, one was a raging ego-tistical ***** who just threw more and more pills at me, and the other one unfortunately got pancreatic cancer and his heart just wasn't in it. Ingrid is an amazing listener and does not like helping by simply increasing dosages, works with you to solve the issue.



My medical aid pays for psychiatrists from savings, so better off just doing it cash. Will make an outing of it and take a day off, hit Sandton City after, maybe get my beard styled while I'm in Sandton by a professional

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## Viper_SA

@Feliks Karp 
Took me from 08:00 to 13:15 to finally get them on the phone, but got an appointment for 22 Dec. R2460 first consultation. Ouch, but if it's worth it, great stuff.


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## Feliks Karp

Wow dude, jeez my memory might be shit but that's a vastly different amount than I remember, may be because I was referred by my GP etc. She's totally worth it though.

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## Neuk

I have always struggled with my self confidence and self worth, particularly the last 18 months or so despite family, friends, colleagues and sometimes strangers telling me otherwise. Today, I was reminded once again, by this forum actually that I matter to many people and have had a positive impact in their lives despite what goes on in my head to try make me believe otherwise. I know it will still be a battle but it felt great to be acknowledged for helping a friend in need, however and wherever I could...

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## Waine

I have a mood disorder, which is under control with meds. I have no qualms about publicly stating this as I am a proponent of de stigmatizing mental illness. 

However there is something else I have learned about myself from vaping. This questions my sanity and self control.

I have OCD when it comes to acquiring things I enjoy. Sometimes I wonder if I am not completely mental in the sense that I have a severe case of "Vape acquisition disorder."

For example, I am NEVER satisfied with the amount of vaping gear I own. I obsess over the Sir Vape website, reading it a few times, every single day, just to see what is new and plotting my next purchase. I have read every word on every item on the website.

I continually crave buying a new RDA, RTA or Mod. If I buy one I like, I am compelled to buy another to double the pleasure. I get a fear that I need another before they are sold out and I may never get another opportunity to get another. 

The guilt I feel for buying so much gear slays me. I could be buying things for my family but I selfishly buy vaping gear. The truth is, I have never enjoyed a hobby as much as this one, and I have done many- many hobbies in my life.

If I have a crap day, (I have a stressful job, see my profile) I get this uncontrollable urge to buy another vape related item to feel better about myself. Then after I have opened the box and played with it, the guilt steps in. I promise myself that this is my last purchase, but the crave always returns with a vengeance.

I can spend hours in my room reading about vaping on the web, cleaning and tinkering with my vape stuff, trying different wires, wicking and trying out new coil builds, making DIY juice, Googling new recipes. Sometimes I just don't care, as I just love everything about vaping. Even the way the vape behaves as it exits my mouth, how it twists and turns in the air and lingers, in different patterns. I blow chunky smoke rings, a habit I have always had since I started smoking as a teenager.

I know I have a problem, I am working on this with my therapist, but it is really tough. I am not in financial debt or anything like that.

Please can anyone share if they have a similar condition. Sometimes I feel like I am the only crazy person doing this. Be honest, are you also overdoing the vaping purchases? Where do we draw the line? How does it make you feel? 

Sometimes I tell myself: "F#*¥ it, I am just being me, the person I am, and dong what I enjoy." Other times I ask: "Where do I draw the line?"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Daniel

Waine said:


> I have a mood disorder, which is under control with meds. I have no qualms about publicly stating this as I am a proponent of de stigmatizing mental illness.
> 
> However there is something else I have learned about myself from vaping. This questions my sanity and self control.
> 
> I have OCD when it comes to acquiring things I enjoy. Sometimes I wonder if I am not completely mental in the sense that I have a severe case of "Vape acquisition disorder."
> 
> For example, I am NEVER satisfied with the amount of vaping gear I own. I obsess over the Sir Vape website, reading it a few times, every single day, just to see what is new and plotting my next purchase. I have read every word on every item on the website.
> 
> I continually crave buying a new RDA, RTA or Mod. If I buy one I like, I am compelled to buy another to double the pleasure. I get a fear that I need another before they are sold out and I may never get another opportunity to get another.
> 
> The guilt I feel for buying so much gear slays me. I could be buying things for my family but I selfishly buy vaping gear. The truth is, I have never enjoyed a hobby as much as this one, and I have done many- many hobbies in my life.
> 
> If I have a crap day, (I have a stressful job, see my profile) I get this uncontrollable urge to buy another vape related item to feel better about myself. Then after I have opened the box and played with it, the guilt steps in. I promise myself that this is my last purchase, but the crave always returns with a vengeance.
> 
> I can spend hours in my room reading about vaping on the web, cleaning and tinkering with my vape stuff, trying different wires, wicking and trying out new coil builds, making DIY juice, Googling new recipes. Sometimes I just don't care, as I just love everything about vaping. Even the way the vape behaves as it exits my mouth, how it twists and turns in the air and lingers, in different patterns. I blow chunky smoke rings, a habit I have always had since I started smoking as a teenager.
> 
> I know I have a problem, I am working on this with my therapist, but it is really tough. I am not in financial debt or anything like that.
> 
> Please can anyone share if they have a similar condition. Sometimes I feel like I am the only crazy person doing this. Be honest, are you also overdoing the vaping purchases? Where do we draw the line? How does it make you feel?
> 
> Sometimes I tell myself: "F#*¥ it, I am just being me, the person I am, and dong what I enjoy." Other times I ask: "Where do I draw the line?"
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yup it's called compulsive acquisition disorder you feel if you buy this or that thing you will feel better. Also went through a spending spree on vaping stuff lately it's quieted down a bit but yes I also have the issue. In the end it's about WANT and not NEED and sadly the industry knows this....


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## Feliks Karp

@Waine 
In my opinion and please take no offense to this, as soon as you start to feel stress over something you are doing, you should take a step back, grab a deep breath, and re-evaluate. Maybe you are just anxious over it because someone has said something to you, or maybe you feel that you are neglecting other parts of your life, collecting can step over the line in to hoarding and obsession. However buying something to feel better is not always a bad thing, just don't substitute real feelings with material things.

I think it's positive that you are talking to your therapist if you feel as though it is an issue.

You are not alone, and you don't seem crazy to me, it is fairly common to be in to something and want to keep on top of all the latest developments, it's only a problem, as I said at the start ,when it causes you stress and disrupts your life, but you appear to be mindful of this.

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## Waine

Thanks for the response guys. No offense taken whatsoever. I value constructive insights and opinions. I know I will eventually calm down. It's just a bit of OCD kicking in. Not so much hoarding. I am a reasonably responsible person, but this vaping hobby has really bitten me hard.

I once read a simple saying: "Life is so low, that's why I want to get high." I don't do any drugs or alcohol. But buying vape gear and DIY gives me such a high. 

Someone also said once: "Life is largely about the avoidance of pain, and the pursuit of pleasure". OMG, the whole vaping vibe brings me such pleasure.

This post is largely to touch base with those who can relate. Perhaps for those who also want to vent a bit.






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Neuk

@Waine - Thanks for sharing, we all have our vices, the struggle for most is recognising what the vices are and that they may not be the best for them. It sounds like you know what your vice is which means that you are in a great position to learn to manage it. Like others have said, there is nothing wrong with spoiling oneself but make sure you have your basic expenses covered first and can afford whatever it is you want to splurge on. We live in a world of instant gratification which makes it tough to take a step back, relook priorities and sometimes do what is right versus what we want to do.


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## craigb

Neuk said:


> but make sure you have your basic expenses covered first and can afford whatever it is you want to splurge on



That is well said and something we always need to remember. Without sounding like I'm making excuses, sometimes our brain chemistry can mess with the rational thinking required to actually do this. During a manic episode it is possible for me to budget R100 into R1000. Legit. And it would almost work, except for, you know, economics (only banks can use fractional reserve banking).

How I manage to put things into perspective for myself after those episodes is to say that while it is not my fault, it is still my responsibility. I cannot be blamed for _some_ of the things I do, but I do have to accept responsibility for them and clean up the mess myself.

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## Feliks Karp

I'm going through a late teen-angst moment. I've apparently attacked my diabetes so hard that I'm now getting alot of low glucose moments, they want to take me off my medication for a while, which I'm actually nervous about - "but Felix, that's positive" - the issue is that I am almost constantly thinking about mortality and having several existential type conflicts with myself every day. I know that this will eventually come back, get worse as I age, and it feels like instead of being blissfully unaware of when I may expire, I now have this semi-disarmed bomb inside of me. I have obviously made extreme life style changes which I am happy about, but I'm also tired about worrying about every meal I eat, wondering if that carb I just ate was the final straw and my pancreas is now going to quit working, and then worrying that worrying is going to increase stress hormones and **** me up more anyways. All the while I feel guilty as hell because Im not a child in a jungle being raped by soliders. I seriously just need a good woman to marry me and come live on my farm.

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## Normz

Wow, this community is really something special. the more time I spend here, the more I see that I'm not alone n there are people like me.

I've been battling sever anxiety for a little over a year now. always had a bit of a problem, but compounded and worsened last year when I took champion to try get off stickies 

Glad to say I got new meds, after an episode at work had me in a terrible state, but it's under control now, I think

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## Daniel

Just a reminder to all this is a great soundboard for airing frustrations or any other similarities but always consult a professional if you feel it becoming too much.

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## Viper_SA

So guys and gals. How bad is traffic on the M1 this time of year? I need to be in Sandton at 11:00 for a psychiatrist appointment. Coming up from Sasolburg via Grasmere Plaza toll gate. Need to figure out what time to leave here and be on time. Also, anything fun to do around Sandton in the afternoon? Planning on making an outing of the day. I have Missed that the most since moving from shifts to day shift.


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## GregF

This time of the year the roads are quiet. It shouldn't be a problem. JHB is the best place to be over December, everybody buggers off.

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## Viper_SA

Damn people, traffic was so quiet I'm a whole 2.5 hours early!Time for a breakfast I guess

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## Viper_SA

Sandton sure has changed in the 4 years since I was here last


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## Stosta

GregF said:


> This time of the year the roads are quiet. It shouldn't be a problem. JHB is the best place to be over December, everybody buggers off.


Hahaha! 

KZN is so full of cars over December we have people parking their cars on top of cars parked on other cars, I wonder if there is a correlation?

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## Neuk

@Viper_SA - Enjoying Sandton? The whole of Jhb has changed the last few years, there are so many more people living in the city.


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## Viper_SA

Too bloody expensive to enjoy on my salary


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## Feliks Karp

Sheesh been so long since I had a stable net connection, **** Telkom really. How is everyone? I must say since getting my blood glucose under super tight control, I have been feeling a lot "lighter", I still get bleak from time to time but I feel as though I put so much effort in to managing the physical aspect of myself that I have become a lot more mindful of er well my mind too.

@Viper_SA hope your appt. went well and yeah Dec time all the vaalies are off destroying the beaches.

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## Neuk

Feliks Karp said:


> Sheesh been so long since I had a stable net connection, **** Telkom really. How is everyone? I must say since getting my blood glucose under super tight control, I have been feeling a lot "lighter", I still get bleak from time to time but I feel as though I put so much effort in to managing the physical aspect of myself that I have become a lot more mindful of er well my mind too.



Good to hear from you @Feliks Karp

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## Feliks Karp

So they are taking me off my diabetic medication, and ironically that is making me super nervous, it's actually really tame stuff that I'm on, but I keeping getting borderline hypoglycemic episodes especially when I'm asleep. I'm nervous, because I've worked extremely hard at getting my blood glucose down, and so far there is no evidence that I have any long term damage from when it was high and so I don't really want it creeping up again. This whole health thing has also made me very aware of my mortality, but with that the mortality of everyone I know, and every now and then I find myself experiencing anxiety over death, like I'm not doing enough with the little time I have on this planet.

On the bright side I've lost 22.5 kg

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## AniDey

Wow, @Feliks Karp , that must feel wonderful! Loosing so much weight makes one feel like a new person!

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## Feliks Karp

And...I'm less nervous my latest A1C is 5.0% which is totally normal down from 8% when I was diagnosed

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## Neuk

Congrats on the weight loss @Feliks Karp  Even though you are coming off your diabetes medication, it sounds like you are concerned and knowledgeable enough to manage it.

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## Viper_SA

Had to postpone my follow -up visits to the psychiatrist due to workload. Can't wait for Monday, and really hope she can help me. Last two weeks have been hell. Constant panic attack and many many thoughts of suicide and ending it all. I jsut can't handle the anxiety any longer. I do nothing, have no energy, and stress about everything that is nkt being done because I have no energy. At night I can't sleep, duting the day I can't keep my eyes open. I feel suffocated and like I don't fit in my.own skin. I cry for no reason, other than feeling like crying and feeling hopeless. I don't think that Luvox and Epitec are working for me. I have become increasingly agro, punching walls, and myself, again. One minute I want to kill everyone around me, the next I want to sit in a heap and cry while slitting my wrists. I have turned to stinkies and alcohol for the short term, but not really helping. 

Just needed to vent

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## JB1987

Viper_SA said:


> Had to postpone my follow -up visits to the psychiatrist due to workload. Can't wait for Monday, and really hope she can help me. Last two weeks have been hell. Constant panic attack and many many thoughts of suicide and ending it all. I jsut can't handle the anxiety any longer. I do nothing, have no energy, and stress about everything that is nkt being done because I have no energy. At night I can't sleep, duting the day I can't keep my eyes open. I feel suffocated and like I don't fit in my.own skin. I cry for no reason, other than feeling like crying and feeling hopeless. I don't think that Luvox and Epitec are working for me. I have become increasingly agro, punching walls, and myself, again. One minute I want to kill everyone around me, the next I want to sit in a heap and cry while slitting my wrists. I have turned to stinkies and alcohol for the short term, but not really helping.
> 
> Just needed to vent



I'm so sorry to hear that, it goes without say but please remember to be honest with the psychiatrist. I hope she can adjust your meds to help, even if it's just adding something to give you a lift to get through this. In my experience alcohol might let you feel better for a little while but then everything just feels much worse. Please stay strong and keep fighting even when it seems impossible, look forward to seeing the psychiatrist, help is there. I cannot know what you are feeling as all of our experiences are so different, but all I can say is that you have to try and fight against the darkness, even when you don't want to, even when you are tired. Please keep fighting.

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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Had to postpone my follow -up visits to the psychiatrist due to workload. Can't wait for Monday, and really hope she can help me. Last two weeks have been hell. Constant panic attack and many many thoughts of suicide and ending it all. I jsut can't handle the anxiety any longer. I do nothing, have no energy, and stress about everything that is nkt being done because I have no energy. At night I can't sleep, duting the day I can't keep my eyes open. I feel suffocated and like I don't fit in my.own skin. I cry for no reason, other than feeling like crying and feeling hopeless. I don't think that Luvox and Epitec are working for me. I have become increasingly agro, punching walls, and myself, again. One minute I want to kill everyone around me, the next I want to sit in a heap and cry while slitting my wrists. I have turned to stinkies and alcohol for the short term, but not really helping.
> 
> Just needed to vent


Hi Viper, I would not normally reply to items on this thread but your post has me worried. Having been in the same space you are describing I just wish to assure you that it does get better. It takes time, but this too will pass. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Hang in there buddy, there are more people rooting for you than you may be aware of.

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## Andre

Viper_SA said:


> Had to postpone my follow -up visits to the psychiatrist due to workload. Can't wait for Monday, and really hope she can help me. Last two weeks have been hell. Constant panic attack and many many thoughts of suicide and ending it all. I jsut can't handle the anxiety any longer. I do nothing, have no energy, and stress about everything that is nkt being done because I have no energy. At night I can't sleep, duting the day I can't keep my eyes open. I feel suffocated and like I don't fit in my.own skin. I cry for no reason, other than feeling like crying and feeling hopeless. I don't think that Luvox and Epitec are working for me. I have become increasingly agro, punching walls, and myself, again. One minute I want to kill everyone around me, the next I want to sit in a heap and cry while slitting my wrists. I have turned to stinkies and alcohol for the short term, but not really helping.
> 
> Just needed to vent


Hang in there my friend.

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Had to postpone my follow -up visits to the psychiatrist due to workload. Can't wait for Monday, and really hope she can help me. Last two weeks have been hell. Constant panic attack and many many thoughts of suicide and ending it all. I jsut can't handle the anxiety any longer. I do nothing, have no energy, and stress about everything that is nkt being done because I have no energy. At night I can't sleep, duting the day I can't keep my eyes open. I feel suffocated and like I don't fit in my.own skin. I cry for no reason, other than feeling like crying and feeling hopeless. I don't think that Luvox and Epitec are working for me. I have become increasingly agro, punching walls, and myself, again. One minute I want to kill everyone around me, the next I want to sit in a heap and cry while slitting my wrists. I have turned to stinkies and alcohol for the short term, but not really helping.
> 
> Just needed to vent



Vent away bud, on here, on WhatsApp, to friends, in private and wherever you need so that you don't bottle it all up. We are here to lend an ear and some advice if you need it, the fact that you are still alive and kicking is testament to your strength. Keep fighting, keep at it, it will get better, it will get worse but move forward, day by day. Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

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## Lingogrey

Wow - I had no idea this thread existed. MUCH respect and gratitude to everyone that has been generous and brave enough to share their stories here. Some of the people that I respect most just happen to have mental illnesses. I lost my father, who was THE person I had, and always will have, the most respect for (and I wasn't alone - 1000 + people at his funeral) to suicide and I have my own daily battles with depression and anxiety. Once again, thank you to everyone sharing and commenting here for fighting the stigma (I myself am still sometimes cowardly about being open). @Viper_SA - We haven't interacted before and I can't say it nearly as well as @Neuk and others, but for the little bit that it's worth I'll also be thinking of you and I hope that your appointment with the Psychiatrist today really makes a difference. Sterkte!

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## Viper_SA

So, apparently anti-depressants don't do me good at all. Also, the damn professor I've been seeing in the Vaal had it all wrong. Bipolar is the least of my worries apparently. My anxiety and OCD issues are of far more concern to the new psychiatrist. As is my Borderline Personality and self-harm issues. Yes, I beat myself to a pulp sometimes, but has been dormant for very long, starting to rear it's ugly bead though. She stopped my Luvkx completely, kept me on Epitec, added a tranquilliser twice a day, and anough Seroquel (anti-psychotic) to keep a bull in a China shop calm. I'm tired as hell in the mornings, but I have that when I go on and off anti-depressants all the time, so not too worried. Feeling better, thanks for all the messages peeps. At least I got to cross off a few things from my Bucket List on Saturday, lol. Had sex for the first time in 5 years, had sex with someone other than my ex, had sex with a size 6 girl, and....... Well, gotta leave some mystery, don't I

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## craigb

Viper_SA said:


> So, apparently anti-depressants don't do me good at all. Also, the damn professor I've been seeing in the Vaal had it all wrong. Bipolar is the least of my worries apparently. My anxiety and OCD issues are of far more concern to the new psychiatrist. As is my Borderline Personality and self-harm issues. Yes, I beat myself to a pulp sometimes, but has been dormant for very long, starting to rear it's ugly bead though. She stopped my Luvkx completely, kept me on Epitec, added a tranquilliser twice a day, and anough Seroquel (anti-psychotic) to keep a bull in a China shop calm. I'm tired as hell in the mornings, but I have that when I go on and off anti-depressants all the time, so not too worried. Feeling better, thanks for all the messages peeps. At least I got to cross off a few things from my Bucket List on Saturday, lol. Had sex for the first time in 5 years, had sex with someone other than my ex, had sex with a size 6 girl, and....... Well, gotta leave some mystery, don't I


There @Viper_SA, rolling like a rock star!

Hope this is the corner and things start looking up for you dude!

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> So, apparently anti-depressants don't do me good at all. Also, the damn professor I've been seeing in the Vaal had it all wrong. Bipolar is the least of my worries apparently. My anxiety and OCD issues are of far more concern to the new psychiatrist. As is my Borderline Personality and self-harm issues. Yes, I beat myself to a pulp sometimes, but has been dormant for very long, starting to rear it's ugly bead though. She stopped my Luvkx completely, kept me on Epitec, added a tranquilliser twice a day, and anough Seroquel (anti-psychotic) to keep a bull in a China shop calm. I'm tired as hell in the mornings, but I have that when I go on and off anti-depressants all the time, so not too worried. Feeling better, thanks for all the messages peeps. At least I got to cross off a few things from my Bucket List on Saturday, lol. Had sex for the first time in 5 years, had sex with someone other than my ex, had sex with a size 6 girl, and....... Well, gotta leave some mystery, don't I



Hang in there @Viper_SA, I haven't been on medication in a long time but I do remember it taking some time to get to the correct mix and dosage, you'll find what works for you soon enough  And congrats on the sex, lol!

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## Viper_SA

Thanks for the compliments guys. No if only I can find a new date my long service award function on the 2nd of March. Preferable a beaut so that all the other guys' wives goes home "dikbek" at them for staring at my date the whole night.

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## Lingogrey

Viper_SA said:


> So, apparently anti-depressants don't do me good at all. Also, the damn professor I've been seeing in the Vaal had it all wrong. Bipolar is the least of my worries apparently. My anxiety and OCD issues are of far more concern to the new psychiatrist. As is my Borderline Personality and self-harm issues. Yes, I beat myself to a pulp sometimes, but has been dormant for very long, starting to rear it's ugly bead though. She stopped my Luvkx completely, kept me on Epitec, added a tranquilliser twice a day, and anough Seroquel (anti-psychotic) to keep a bull in a China shop calm. I'm tired as hell in the mornings, but I have that when I go on and off anti-depressants all the time, so not too worried. Feeling better, thanks for all the messages peeps. At least I got to cross off a few things from my Bucket List on Saturday, lol. Had sex for the first time in 5 years, had sex with someone other than my ex, had sex with a size 6 girl, and....... Well, gotta leave some mystery, don't I


I'm glad that it went well @Viper_SA (of course - like you made clear, nothing of this nature suddenly turns spectacufabulous immediately, but it sounds like the new psych has a very clear direction in mind and that you are already feeling a bit better). And... on your Saturday night (absolutely no offense intended to you specifically or to anyone with the less flattering parts of the song - the focus is on the 'celebratory' part ):

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## Viper_SA

Hahahaha @Lingogrey

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## Maxxis

The strongest and most brilliant minds are often the most troubled. 

Never give up and never stop reaching out. It is not a burden to those who care. It's an honor to be there for you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Neuk

Maxxis said:


> The strongest and most brilliant minds are often the most troubled.
> 
> Never give up and never stop reaching out. It is not a burden to those who care. It's an honor to be there for you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



This...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

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## Viper_SA

Another sleepless night, insomnia knocking at the front door; too many emotions knocking at the back door and no-one to share them with. Never been so glad for a 5m extension cord to run my Skull Candy Crushers without neighbours nagging. Springsteen, bon jovi, pantera, seether, def leppard. Fck, even my music is screwed up. From love ballads and missing someone I don't know, to feeling agro, and feeling like a party animal. I'd give my left nut for a line and some strippers right now


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Another sleepless night, insomnia knocking at the front door; too many emotions knocking at the back door and no-one to share them with. Never been so glad for a 5m extension cord to run my Skull Candy Crushers without neighbours nagging. Springsteen, bon jovi, pantera, seether, def leppard. Fck, even my music is screwed up. From love ballads and missing someone I don't know, to feeling agro, and feeling like a party animal. I'd give my left nut for a line and some strippers right now



@Viper_SA - We all have those bad days and nights and need to find a way to best manage and also just get through them. Don't stop though, find your way, believe that it will pass and you will be in a better place soon. Drugs and women will never be the answer and although they provide a temporary escape from whatever darkness you are in, will only worsen the situation in the long run. You know you can always send me a message, even if it is just to vent, I am not always available but will respond as soon as I am...

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## Raindance

I am worried that giving advice as someone that is not a professional in the field of psychology may cause more harm than good. The need to assist someone whom is encountering a situation one once shared is however persistent and hard to ignore. I will thus put down some thoughts here with no specific reference to anyone. Use it, don't use it, does not matter. All I ask is that readers give it some thought.

And please, don't judge me.

More than a decade ago I was caught in the grips of a destructive whirlpool of what is politely referred to as a panic disorder. Please allow me to skip over the embarrassing details, besides mentioning that this episode was probably the culmination of an unfortunate and unhappy life since childhood. Almost forty years of dark grey finally drowning out the last bit of blue sky. Leaving nothing but darkness and excruciating solitude.

I am not a religious person. Religion is man made and therefore designed to suit the purposes and understanding of its creators. As to the form and nature of what is generally referred to as god, I have little comment. I do however know for a fact that there is a higher force. Be it found in the principle laws of physics or the divine will and interventions of a supreme deity, I do not know, possibly both... although the latter does not fit my desire for a logical design. Every action is however the response to another, and each has a purpose. When in the depths of darkness, there is a cause for this as well as a purpose. A positive purpose.

Talking about a positive purpose to someone whom has been reduced to a life form that merely breathes because its too much effort to stop doing so my not be the best approach. However, from my own experience I learned to trust that all I needed to do was put one foot in front of the other and that what was needed next would present itself. Literally and figuratively. Make no decisions, just focus on the next step. Go for a walk, in the park, the mall, the beach, down the road... don't think why, when or where, just act on those impulses that feel right.

Yes there may be impulses indicating a desire for “drugs, sex and rock & roll” but they don't feel right. We are complicated beings and “those” impulses come from a different place. My good impulses led me to books. Some I will share with you at the end of this. Books that gave me an understanding of self and purpose.

Before I elaborate on what I learned about self and purpose, allow me to conclude the current topic by stating that the purpose of being completely down and out, the kind of down and out only we whom suffer from “mental health issues” (Hell I hate that definition...) can possibly know, is to motivate the desire to rebuild yourself from scratch.

The reason: whom you were, whom you wanted to be, what you think you are, was and is not what and whom you are supposed to be. A vital change for the better is being forced upon you. Calling on you to become whom you are supposed to be so you can fulfil your purpose in the greater scheme of things. A make or break situation, the outcome of which depends on how you respond to it. Accept the need to change and win, fight it and the forces of change will persist in pushing against you. I saw later that all my misery was in fact self inflicted and sustained by my own aversion to change.

As human beings we are a complex mix. No wonder some of us get confused and end up chronically unhappy. That having been said, ignorance is bliss and may explain why it seems its mostly the thinkers that suffer from this malady. Ok, so what does this mix consist of?

Body, mind and soul.

The body is guided by the basic operating system contained in the reptilian brain which manifests itself as our primal desires which sustain our physical being. Eat, breathe, sleep, reproduce, defecate, fight, flee. As humans we have evolved over millions of years and we share this part of the brain with all living creatures, including maggots and flies. It is the oldest part of our brain and therefore rather dominant. At birth this is what we operate on and all our other more civilised attributes are learned behaviour imparted to us by our parents and peers. Suffice to know that these primal desires will always be present and we need to learn to control them and remain in control of them in order to evolve to a higher level. An important statement in the context of what follows.

Sometimes this learned behaviour gets disrupted or skewed for any number of reasons, and this is when the crap hits the fan big time. For those of us aware enough to notice at least.

Our learned behaviour is part of the development of our minds. The thinking, knowing, memory bits. As to our knowledge of self the mind develops an image of self based on the external inputs it receives. Compliments, insults, examples, values, all culminate in what is called the ego. Note the ego is not a true representation of self, it is the sum of feedback received about the self. And what a fuckup this can turn out to be! Take it from me guys, ego is a *****! The nastiest thing about ego is that the moment you think you have beaten it, is the moment you allow it back in more powerful than before.

You may have noted my aversion to all things HE and the sometimes thinly veiled aggression with which I respond to threads on this topic. This is possibly due to my ongoing struggle in trying to contain my own ego. You see, we live in a make believe world driven by the exploitation of peoples ego's. Peoples desire to distinguish themselves as being better than others has given rise to a whole economy based on supplying so called exclusive goods to satisfy this insatiable desire. Lives wasted in pursuit of what is not real. More money, faster cars, bigger houses at better addresses, the corporate ladder, bigger boobs, a bigger 4x4 to make up for my small ****, designer clothes... Things we don't need, sometimes bought with money we don't have, to impress people we don't know. WTF!

And then one day you wake up wondering why life sucks. Pondering why you should carry on with it. Sad, unfulfilled, lonely (Big boobs ran of with Ranger guy), and financially fucked. Not being able to remember any important events in your children's youth as you were to busy climbing the corporate ladder which turned out to be a escalator you entered from the wrong direction.

But wait folks, that is not all you get with ego. You also get the big “Me/I”. “I am sad”, “I am lonely”, “Poor me”, “I am not good looking enough”, “I am a failure”, “He is looking down on ME”, “She cheated on ME”, “My house”, “My car”. “My receding hairline”, “My sagging body”, “My boobs are smaller than hers”....

You see the ego also has us believing that we are our possessions. That we are our bodies. That the value of me is determined by the things I own and how I look.

Its these perceptions that give rise to our emotions. Happy, sad, anger, jealousy, desire, fear, … (Being male these are the ones I know, women on the other hand could possibly list about 50 more...)

Truth is, I am neither my possessions, title nor physical appearance.

The primal brain/self gives rise to basic needs. Our minds give rise to secondary needs and desires and converts the whole happy lot into some pretty strong and sometimes fucketup emotions. Given that the primary fright and flight response, which secured our species survival over millennia, biases our thinking towards the negative, our emotions are therefore mostly biased towards the negative side of things. That is why we seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time pondering the negative. No wonder some of us go off the rails in spectacular fashion! (Pun intended!)

The change we need to make is to release ourselves from our body and mind. Sound odd? Let me explain as best I can. Developing the soul or spirit. Do not attach the conventional meaning to these words. Best I call it the real self.

I noticed that when a desire or emotion presents itself there is a part of me that becomes aware of it. A conscience that can evaluate it and choose to act on the emotion or choose to ignore it. Ok, ignore it may sound misleading. Rather acknowledge its existence and then consciously decide how to respond to it. With practice this becomes second nature although one must not under estimate the amount of practice this requires. Also never develop pride in this ability because that opens the door for ego to slip in and **** it all up again. I have made that mistake a few times and had to start over again. (My HE reference above) The key is to never give up. Lear to forgive yourself. Failure is merely an indication more practice is required.

Once you learn to reason that a dent in *your* car is in fact only a dent in *a* car, your receding hairline is merely your bodies receding hairline, possessions should only make life easier and not be a burden, your wife should be your best and most trusted friend and not a trophy bimbo, I guy giving you the finger is a sign he is a troubled person and has no bearing on you, the meaning of life changes drastically.

Yes I feel sad, so what now? Is it a useful emotion, no. Knowing that, just move on.

You are in control of your emotions. Not the other way round. It takes practice though. Just as a baby needs to be potty trained to learn to control the primal instinct to defecate at random, we need to “potty train” our minds in how to respond to our emotions. Once we get a grip on our emotions we start to develop into the real us. Whom we are supposed to be and actually have always been. Just that we did not know that part of us actually existed. The darkness is only there to encourage us to take the steps required to empower this person. Everything happens for a reason after all.

Recommended reading: (In order my feet brought me to them.)

When everything changes – change everything
Neale Donald Walsch, ISBN 978-0-340-99588-4 (Take with a pinch of salt, some good food for thought though.)

Becoming Enlightened
Dalai Lama, ISBN 978-1-846-04122-8

The Color Purple
Alice Walker, ISBN 978-0-7538-1892-3

Shantaram
Gregory David Roberts, ISBN 978-0-349-11754-6

Trust that people and knowledge will cross your path as and when needed, just trust yourself to recognise where and when that will be.

Regards

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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> I am worried that giving advice as someone that is not a professional in the field of psychology may cause more harm than good. The need to assist someone whom is encountering a situation one once shared is however persistent and hard to ignore. I will thus put down some thoughts here with no specific reference to anyone. Use it, don't use it, does not matter. All I ask is that readers give it some thought.
> 
> And please, don't judge me.
> 
> More than a decade ago I was caught in the grips of a destructive whirlpool of what is politely referred to as a panic disorder. Please allow me to skip over the embarrassing details, besides mentioning that this episode was probably the culmination of an unfortunate and unhappy life since childhood. Almost forty years of dark grey finally drowning out the last bit of blue sky. Leaving nothing but darkness and excruciating solitude.
> 
> I am not a religious person. Religion is man made and therefore designed to suit the purposes and understanding of its creators. As to the form and nature of what is generally referred to as god, I have little comment. I do however know for a fact that there is a higher force. Be it found in the principle laws of physics or the divine will and interventions of a supreme deity, I do not know, possibly both... although the latter does not fit my desire for a logical design. Every action is however the response to another, and each has a purpose. When in the depths of darkness, there is a cause for this as well as a purpose. A positive purpose.
> 
> Talking about a positive purpose to someone whom has been reduced to a life form that merely breathes because its too much effort to stop doing so my not be the best approach. However, from my own experience I learned to trust that all I needed to do was put one foot in front of the other and that what was needed next would present itself. Literally and figuratively. Make no decisions, just focus on the next step. Go for a walk, in the park, the mall, the beach, down the road... don't think why, when or where, just act on those impulses that feel right.
> 
> Yes there may be impulses indicating a desire for “drugs, sex and rock & roll” but they don't feel right. We are complicated beings and “those” impulses come from a different place. My good impulses led me to books. Some I will share with you at the end of this. Books that gave me an understanding of self and purpose.
> 
> Before I elaborate on what I learned about self and purpose, allow me to conclude the current topic by stating that the purpose of being completely down and out, the kind of down and out only we whom suffer from “mental health issues” (Hell I hate that definition...) can possibly know, is to motivate the desire to rebuild yourself from scratch.
> 
> The reason: whom you were, whom you wanted to be, what you think you are, was and is not what and whom you are supposed to be. A vital change for the better is being forced upon you. Calling on you to become whom you are supposed to be so you can fulfil your purpose in the greater scheme of things. A make or break situation, the outcome of which depends on how you respond to it. Accept the need to change and win, fight it and the forces of change will persist in pushing against you. I saw later that all my misery was in fact self inflicted and sustained by my own aversion to change.
> 
> As human beings we are a complex mix. No wonder some of us get confused and end up chronically unhappy. That having been said, ignorance is bliss and may explain why it seems its mostly the thinkers that suffer from this malady. Ok, so what does this mix consist of?
> 
> Body, mind and soul.
> 
> The body is guided by the basic operating system contained in the reptilian brain which manifests itself as our primal desires which sustain our physical being. Eat, breathe, sleep, reproduce, defecate, fight, flee. As humans we have evolved over millions of years and we share this part of the brain with all living creatures, including maggots and flies. It is the oldest part of our brain and therefore rather dominant. At birth this is what we operate on and all our other more civilised attributes are learned behaviour imparted to us by our parents and peers. Suffice to know that these primal desires will always be present and we need to learn to control them and remain in control of them in order to evolve to a higher level. An important statement in the context of what follows.
> 
> Sometimes this learned behaviour gets disrupted or skewed for any number of reasons, and this is when the crap hits the fan big time. For those of us aware enough to notice at least.
> 
> Our learned behaviour is part of the development of our minds. The thinking, knowing, memory bits. As to our knowledge of self the mind develops an image of self based on the external inputs it receives. Compliments, insults, examples, values, all culminate in what is called the ego. Note the ego is not a true representation of self, it is the sum of feedback received about the self. And what a fuckup this can turn out to be! Take it from me guys, ego is a *****! The nastiest thing about ego is that the moment you think you have beaten it, is the moment you allow it back in more powerful than before.
> 
> You may have noted my aversion to all things HE and the sometimes thinly veiled aggression with which I respond to threads on this topic. This is possibly due to my ongoing struggle in trying to contain my own ego. You see, we live in a make believe world driven by the exploitation of peoples ego's. Peoples desire to distinguish themselves as being better than others has given rise to a whole economy based on supplying so called exclusive goods to satisfy this insatiable desire. Lives wasted in pursuit of what is not real. More money, faster cars, bigger houses at better addresses, the corporate ladder, bigger boobs, a bigger 4x4 to make up for my small ****, designer clothes... Things we don't need, sometimes bought with money we don't have, to impress people we don't know. WTF!
> 
> And then one day you wake up wondering why life sucks. Pondering why you should carry on with it. Sad, unfulfilled, lonely (Big boobs ran of with Ranger guy), and financially fucked. Not being able to remember any important events in your children's youth as you were to busy climbing the corporate ladder which turned out to be a escalator you entered from the wrong direction.
> 
> But wait folks, that is not all you get with ego. You also get the big “Me/I”. “I am sad”, “I am lonely”, “Poor me”, “I am not good looking enough”, “I am a failure”, “He is looking down on ME”, “She cheated on ME”, “My house”, “My car”. “My receding hairline”, “My sagging body”, “My boobs are smaller than hers”....
> 
> You see the ego also has us believing that we are our possessions. That we are our bodies. That the value of me is determined by the things I own and how I look.
> 
> Its these perceptions that give rise to our emotions. Happy, sad, anger, jealousy, desire, fear, … (Being male these are the ones I know, women on the other hand could possibly list about 50 more...)
> 
> Truth is, I am neither my possessions, title nor physical appearance.
> 
> The primal brain/self gives rise to basic needs. Our minds give rise to secondary needs and desires and converts the whole happy lot into some pretty strong and sometimes fucketup emotions. Given that the primary fright and flight response, which secured our species survival over millennia, biases our thinking towards the negative, our emotions are therefore mostly biased towards the negative side of things. That is why we seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time pondering the negative. No wonder some of us go off the rails in spectacular fashion! (Pun intended!)
> 
> The change we need to make is to release ourselves from our body and mind. Sound odd? Let me explain as best I can. Developing the soul or spirit. Do not attach the conventional meaning to these words. Best I call it the real self.
> 
> I noticed that when a desire or emotion presents itself there is a part of me that becomes aware of it. A conscience that can evaluate it and choose to act on the emotion or choose to ignore it. Ok, ignore it may sound misleading. Rather acknowledge its existence and then consciously decide how to respond to it. With practice this becomes second nature although one must not under estimate the amount of practice this requires. Also never develop pride in this ability because that opens the door for ego to slip in and **** it all up again. I have made that mistake a few times and had to start over again. (My HE reference above) The key is to never give up. Lear to forgive yourself. Failure is merely an indication more practice is required.
> 
> Once you learn to reason that a dent in *your* car is in fact only a dent in *a* car, your receding hairline is merely your bodies receding hairline, possessions should only make life easier and not be a burden, your wife should be your best and most trusted friend and not a trophy bimbo, I guy giving you the finger is a sign he is a troubled person and has no bearing on you, the meaning of life changes drastically.
> 
> Yes I feel sad, so what now? Is it a useful emotion, no. Knowing that, just move on.
> 
> You are in control of your emotions. Not the other way round. It takes practice though. Just as a baby needs to be potty trained to learn to control the primal instinct to defecate at random, we need to “potty train” our minds in how to respond to our emotions. Once we get a grip on our emotions we start to develop into the real us. Whom we are supposed to be and actually have always been. Just that we did not know that part of us actually existed. The darkness is only there to encourage us to take the steps required to empower this person. Everything happens for a reason after all.
> 
> Recommended reading: (In order my feet brought me to them.)
> 
> When everything changes – change everything
> Neale Donald Walsch, ISBN 978-0-340-99588-4 (Take with a pinch of salt, some good food for thought though.)
> 
> Becoming Enlightened
> Dalai Lama, ISBN 978-1-846-04122-8
> 
> The Color Purple
> Alice Walker, ISBN 978-0-7538-1892-3
> 
> Shantaram
> Gregory David Roberts, ISBN 978-0-349-11754-6
> 
> Trust that people and knowledge will cross your path as and when needed, just trust yourself to recognise where and when that will be.
> 
> Regards



Wow! I finally found the chance to read through your post, it is very insightful and thought provoking and I still have much to process but thanks for sharing. I certainly enjoyed reading it and hope others will as well...

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## Waine

"Embrace your own madness" ~ Dan Barker.

I love that saying...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Viper_SA

Let's hear who's on which meds, what for, and if they think it works. 

Currently: Eptic 125mg twice per day
Purata 10mg twice per day
100mg Seroquel XR in the evenings. 

Used to take Camcolit and Serdep. Then switched to Epitec as I started feeling flatlined just below happy/content. Then I started getting panic attacks and very emotional. Cried for no reason. Switched psychitrists, who chanhed my Serdep to Luvox and added Abiliy. Started getting even more panic attacks. Then she stopped the Luvox and Abilify and put me on Seroquel XR 100. Still the same issuez. Very emotional and anxious. Not at work, just at home. I feel crushed by the weight of stuff I need to do. Even a shower seems like too much effort most nights. At least I'm back to 2 or 3 a week. I see something I did weeks/days/yewrs ago and was happy with, and get all anxious that it could have been done better, could look better. I feel like a failure. I take no joy/pride in anything anymore. Part of me knows this is irrational, but my wheels keep spinning and the weight is almost more than I can bare. I think about suicide per hour, not per month like I used to. I was cruizing a yewr ago, now I'm in the dumps. Anyone else have such severe OCD/anxiety? I do not belive my bipolar diagnoses anymore. Something else must be at work here. I reach out socially to people on social media, only to feel ashamed and like a loser afterwardz. Right now I feel like I will die alone and misunderstood. I am looking into whom to contact to donate my brain and whole corpse for scientific research when I die. I don't even feel like leaving a trace behind to be buried or cremated. I just want to disappear. 

Sorry for the long vent.


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## Lingogrey

Viper_SA said:


> Let's hear who's on which meds, what for, and if they think it works.
> 
> Currently: Eptic 125mg twice per day
> Purata 10mg twice per day
> 100mg Seroquel XR in the evenings.
> 
> Used to take Camcolit and Serdep. Then switched to Epitec as I started feeling flatlined just below happy/content. Then I started getting panic attacks and very emotional. Cried for no reason. Switched psychitrists, who chanhed my Serdep to Luvox and added Abiliy. Started getting even more panic attacks. Then she stopped the Luvox and Abilify and put me on Seroquel XR 100. Still the same issuez. Very emotional and anxious. Not at work, just at home. I feel crushed by the weight of stuff I need to do. Even a shower seems like too much effort most nights. At least I'm back to 2 or 3 a week. I see something I did weeks/days/yewrs ago and was happy with, and get all anxious that it could have been done better, could look better. I feel like a failure. I take no joy/pride in anything anymore. Part of me knows this is irrational, but my wheels keep spinning and the weight is almost more than I can bare. I think about suicide per hour, not per month like I used to. I was cruizing a yewr ago, now I'm in the dumps. Anyone else have such severe OCD/anxiety? I do not belive my bipolar diagnoses anymore. Something else must be at work here. I reach out socially to people on social media, only to feel ashamed and like a loser afterwardz. Right now I feel like I will die alone and misunderstood. I am looking into whom to contact to donate my brain and whole corpse for scientific research when I die. I don't even feel like leaving a trace behind to be buried or cremated. I just want to disappear.
> 
> Sorry for the long vent.


Hi @Viper_SA

I have a VERY strong impulse to immediately apologise whenever I have shared my feelings, especially if they are 'negative' or if I think that they can bring other people down. In addition, I always worry afterwards (on the very seldom occasion) when I do it that people will think less of me. So may I please say, at least personally speaking (but as someone who at least understands a little bit as to why we do it, although each of our circumstances and the way we experience things are very different), that there is NO need to (and please don't) say "Sorry for the long vent". In fact, once again, thank you very very much for the openness and for allowing others into your world - it can't be easy. 

Nothing that I can say will change any of the things that you are feeling above. Some of the things that you said yourself shows that they will: The way that you felt a year ago shows that things go in ebbs and flows, the fact that "at least I'm back to 2 or 3 a week" shows that things are going better (not perfect, but better - and better is something that you can and should give yourself credit for - I know it's not that easy). 

I haven't been where you are, but I do know to some extent how debilitating depression (I don't have bipolar - whether your diagnosis is correct or not - but I have been diagnosed with major depression), anxiety (I've never had a panic attack, but I do have generalised anxiety disorder and I basically have to function in a constant moderate {to sometimes worse} state of anxiety) coupled with OCD (I have that to a mild degree) can be and that when you are really in the (hell)hole, it feels as if there is absolutely no way that you will ever get out and as if it will only get deeper. However, it won't. Yourself of a year ago knew that and yourself of a month or three months (no way of predicting the time, as you would know) away from now will know that. But it's very very hard to get that "part of you" to talk to the rest of you now (sorry - I'm not trying to be patronising. I'm simply relaying my own experiences and that of many others I've chatted to and you have probably experienced it too. However, one kind of forgets it when you're in the hole).

There are people who care for you and who do not want you to disappear and who will be devastated. You are not alone, even when you feel very lonely. We still haven't met, but you know that you can phone me at absolutely any time.

Byt vas!

Reactions: Like 3


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## Lingogrey

Viper_SA said:


> Let's hear who's on which meds, what for, and if they think it works.
> 
> Currently: Eptic 125mg twice per day
> Purata 10mg twice per day
> 100mg Seroquel XR in the evenings.
> 
> Used to take Camcolit and Serdep. Then switched to Epitec as I started feeling flatlined just below happy/content. Then I started getting panic attacks and very emotional. Cried for no reason. Switched psychitrists, who chanhed my Serdep to Luvox and added Abiliy. Started getting even more panic attacks. Then she stopped the Luvox and Abilify and put me on Seroquel XR 100. Still the same issuez. Very emotional and anxious. Not at work, just at home. I feel crushed by the weight of stuff I need to do. Even a shower seems like too much effort most nights. At least I'm back to 2 or 3 a week. I see something I did weeks/days/yewrs ago and was happy with, and get all anxious that it could have been done better, could look better. I feel like a failure. I take no joy/pride in anything anymore. Part of me knows this is irrational, but my wheels keep spinning and the weight is almost more than I can bare. I think about suicide per hour, not per month like I used to. I was cruizing a yewr ago, now I'm in the dumps. Anyone else have such severe OCD/anxiety? I do not belive my bipolar diagnoses anymore. Something else must be at work here. I reach out socially to people on social media, only to feel ashamed and like a loser afterwardz. Right now I feel like I will die alone and misunderstood. I am looking into whom to contact to donate my brain and whole corpse for scientific research when I die. I don't even feel like leaving a trace behind to be buried or cremated. I just want to disappear.
> 
> Sorry for the long vent.


And if I may ask (I think this thread is of an open enough nature to do so) have you considered going to / gone to a good clinical psychologist? In my personal experience (and I am not specifically trained in mental health, but as part of my undergraduate studies I did do some modules and philosophy of mental health is kind of a sideline professional interest for me), medication alone very seldom does the trick. There are also many people who call themselves "therapists" (not a very well-regulated title at all), so IMO it is safest to stick to certified clinical psychologists (in conjunction with psychiatrists) for therapy.

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## craigb

Viper_SA said:


> Let's hear who's on which meds, what for, and if they think it works.
> 
> Currently: Eptic 125mg twice per day
> Purata 10mg twice per day
> 100mg Seroquel XR in the evenings.
> 
> Used to take Camcolit and Serdep. Then switched to Epitec as I started feeling flatlined just below happy/content. Then I started getting panic attacks and very emotional. Cried for no reason. Switched psychitrists, who chanhed my Serdep to Luvox and added Abiliy. Started getting even more panic attacks. Then she stopped the Luvox and Abilify and put me on Seroquel XR 100. Still the same issuez. Very emotional and anxious. Not at work, just at home. I feel crushed by the weight of stuff I need to do. Even a shower seems like too much effort most nights. At least I'm back to 2 or 3 a week. I see something I did weeks/days/yewrs ago and was happy with, and get all anxious that it could have been done better, could look better. I feel like a failure. I take no joy/pride in anything anymore. Part of me knows this is irrational, but my wheels keep spinning and the weight is almost more than I can bare. I think about suicide per hour, not per month like I used to. I was cruizing a yewr ago, now I'm in the dumps. Anyone else have such severe OCD/anxiety? I do not belive my bipolar diagnoses anymore. Something else must be at work here. I reach out socially to people on social media, only to feel ashamed and like a loser afterwardz. Right now I feel like I will die alone and misunderstood. I am looking into whom to contact to donate my brain and whole corpse for scientific research when I die. I don't even feel like leaving a trace behind to be buried or cremated. I just want to disappear.
> 
> Sorry for the long vent.



Camcolit 400mg twice daily and cipramil 20mg once.

Off the meds I am basically a nihilist who sees no point in doing anything and actually existing as a waste of time. I get frustrated easily and very aggro (esp road rage) generally end up displaying reckless behaviour in pursuit of thrills and entertainment.

On the meds I'm much calmer, and can actually find pleasure in most things and sustain the good mood.

The human body is a fascinating thing, something that becomes more evident when a part of it operates outside of spec.

@Viper_SA , as always, hold in there, if this psych is the right one you WILL eventually find the right combo of meds. Its a shitty journey but one hell of a destination.

PM me if you ever need to chat.

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## Viper_SA

Lingogrey said:


> And if I may ask (I think this thread is of an open enough nature to do so) have you considered going to / gone to a good clinical psychologist? In my personal experience (and I am not specifically trained in mental health, but as part of my undergraduate studies I did do some modules and philosophy of mental health is kind of a sideline professional interest for me), medication alone very seldom does the trick. There are also many people who call themselves "therapists" (not a very well-regulated title at all), so IMO it is safest to stick to certified clinical psychologists for therapy.



Seems the bloke I have been seeing on and off since 2005 has disappeared. I got an appointment for Tuesday at 19:00 with an Ilna Kruger. She is only in the Vaal on Tuesdays. Problem with so much in life, I seriously can't afford a psychologist full time, and my medical aid pays them from savings. We all know that is like 1 or 2 consultations. We have a program at work where I get 4 free consultations per hear through an Employee program. Problem is, in my area that leaves me with 3 choices. The dude I have been seeing since 2005 no longer affiliates with the program, and at R800 an hour, I can't afford it. Got a double pay bonus in Jan and a 3X bonus today. Still not out of debt. I spend too much when I'm down., lol. And I had so many things I wanted and HAD to do this year. Patience grasshopper, lol.

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## Lingogrey

Viper_SA said:


> Let's hear who's on which meds, what for, and if they think it works.
> 
> Currently: Eptic 125mg twice per day
> Purata 10mg twice per day
> 100mg Seroquel XR in the evenings.
> 
> Used to take Camcolit and Serdep. Then switched to Epitec as I started feeling flatlined just below happy/content. Then I started getting panic attacks and very emotional. Cried for no reason. Switched psychitrists, who chanhed my Serdep to Luvox and added Abiliy. Started getting even more panic attacks. Then she stopped the Luvox and Abilify and put me on Seroquel XR 100. Still the same issuez. Very emotional and anxious. Not at work, just at home. I feel crushed by the weight of stuff I need to do. Even a shower seems like too much effort most nights. At least I'm back to 2 or 3 a week. I see something I did weeks/days/yewrs ago and was happy with, and get all anxious that it could have been done better, could look better. I feel like a failure. I take no joy/pride in anything anymore. Part of me knows this is irrational, but my wheels keep spinning and the weight is almost more than I can bare. I think about suicide per hour, not per month like I used to. I was cruizing a yewr ago, now I'm in the dumps. Anyone else have such severe OCD/anxiety? I do not belive my bipolar diagnoses anymore. Something else must be at work here. I reach out socially to people on social media, only to feel ashamed and like a loser afterwardz. Right now I feel like I will die alone and misunderstood. I am looking into whom to contact to donate my brain and whole corpse for scientific research when I die. I don't even feel like leaving a trace behind to be buried or cremated. I just want to disappear.
> 
> Sorry for the long vent.


Oh - and I didn't actually answer your meds question @Viper_SA :

Exsira 100 mg - once in the mornings (SNRI - newer generation antidepressant - for depression and anxiety)
Inderal 30 mg - occasionally when needed (beta-blocker simply to control the physical symptoms of anxiety)
Urbanol 10 mg - occasionally when needed (for anxiety)

The above works as well as anything for me, but I've been through other stuff that works great for other people - but that didn't gel with me at all. Serdep (Zoloft) actually started having very adverse effects on me and they had to URGENTLY get me off before it did more damage. That seems to be the really horrible thing about psychiatric medicine. It is absolutely wonderful and vital to have it around, but it does not have such a generic efficiency as most other forms of medication and what really works for one person really does not for the next; so as you would know - the trial and error can take ages. However, it really sounds as if your current psychiatrist is not clutching around in the dark. As @craigb has said, shitty process - but well worth it.

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## Lingogrey

Viper_SA said:


> Seems the bloke I have been seeing on and off since 2005 has disappeared. I got an appointment for Tuesday at 19:00 with an Ilna Kruger. She is only in the Vaal on Tuesdays. Problem with so much in life, I seriously can't afford a psychologist full time, and my medical aid pays them from savings. We all know that is like 1 or 2 consultations. We have a program at work where I get 4 free consultations per hear through an Employee program. Problem is, in my area that leaves me with 3 choices. The dude I have been seeing since 2005 no longer affiliates with the program, and at R800 an hour, I can't afford it. Got a double pay bonus in Jan and a 3X bonus today. Still not out of debt. I spend too much when I'm down., lol. And I had so many things I wanted and HAD to do this year. Patience grasshopper, lol.


I hear you. It is an expensive exercise and one of the things where medical aids like to cut on first (not being 'serious' and all that); pretty much also always coming out of savings. I am glad that you have an appointment with the Ilna Kruger lady though, and I hope that it will go very well.


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## Viper_SA

Off to watch 'as good as it gets' and maybe cry things into perspective. Thanks for being here guys.

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## craigb

Viper_SA said:


> Off to watch 'as good as it gets' and maybe cry things into perspective. Thanks for being here guys.


Pure coincidence, I just saw this on news24 http://www.w24.co.za/Wellness/Mind/crying-enough-5-reasons-its-good-for-our-health-20170223

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Let's hear who's on which meds, what for, and if they think it works.
> 
> Currently: Eptic 125mg twice per day
> Purata 10mg twice per day
> 100mg Seroquel XR in the evenings.
> 
> Used to take Camcolit and Serdep. Then switched to Epitec as I started feeling flatlined just below happy/content. Then I started getting panic attacks and very emotional. Cried for no reason. Switched psychitrists, who chanhed my Serdep to Luvox and added Abiliy. Started getting even more panic attacks. Then she stopped the Luvox and Abilify and put me on Seroquel XR 100. Still the same issuez. Very emotional and anxious. Not at work, just at home. I feel crushed by the weight of stuff I need to do. Even a shower seems like too much effort most nights. At least I'm back to 2 or 3 a week. I see something I did weeks/days/yewrs ago and was happy with, and get all anxious that it could have been done better, could look better. I feel like a failure. I take no joy/pride in anything anymore. Part of me knows this is irrational, but my wheels keep spinning and the weight is almost more than I can bare. I think about suicide per hour, not per month like I used to. I was cruizing a yewr ago, now I'm in the dumps. Anyone else have such severe OCD/anxiety? I do not belive my bipolar diagnoses anymore. Something else must be at work here. I reach out socially to people on social media, only to feel ashamed and like a loser afterwardz. Right now I feel like I will die alone and misunderstood. I am looking into whom to contact to donate my brain and whole corpse for scientific research when I die. I don't even feel like leaving a trace behind to be buried or cremated. I just want to disappear.
> 
> Sorry for the long vent.



Never, ever apologise to anyone for letting your thoughts and feelings out...

I count myself as lucky as I haven't been on medication for many years now, I was on Urbanol last year for a while to help with anxiety and before that it was Luvox in my mid twenties. I have managed without medication for a long time now and I hope to continue doing so for as long as I can, although I fully understand it's place in managing mental issues. I have never believed that purely medication is a solution, you should see a psychologist/therapist/etc. along with any medication partly so that the affect of any medication is monitored and you have an outlet for what is going on in your head...

@Viper_SA - Keep moving forward, keep remembering the good times, remind yourself that the bad times will pass, remember that you are worth it, that you matter, that you are important and that you are loved! We are here for you...

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## Viper_SA

Right now I'm switching from sad to pissed-off, at everything and everyone. Really snappy, but it makes me feel better, so they have take it. My mom's sister is going to theatre shortly for an operation. She was supposed to have the op last week, but went berserk and chased my mom out of her house. Now my mom is trying to guilt trip me into taking her to hospital, as she does not drive at night. Fck that. My sister has been MKA most of hr adult life, leaving me to take care of my mom and late father. Her sister has two children, so it's a case of 'not my circus, not my monkeys' to me. Not my favorite aunt anyway, and frankly, I could care less if she crokes or not. Why should I give up my time to fend for people who have two rich children who don't give a fck anyway. And the conetant updates on ber health on how sorry my mom feels for her is driving me up the fcking walls. I DON'T give a shit, why can't people just see that and pass along. Grrrr, think my new psychiatrist is right, I have more Borderline Personality traits than bipolar, and a moerse emotional disconnect to people that are not my freakin' problem.


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## Viper_SA

Anyone have a bridge they need burning? I'm on a roll, and I got lots of matches


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## Feliks Karp

You could punch a Telkom tech for me, and I could punch your Aunt? Kind of strangers on a train type deal?

Seriously though you need to watch "The Expanse" best show airing atm, will make you forget all this shit and wonder WTF we aren't in space yet.

*just joking FBI/NSA please don't put me on a list. JUST A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT BRO

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## Viper_SA

Anyone heard from @brotiform lately?

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Anyone heard from @brotiform lately?



I hear from him every now and then but he has retreated in to his shell a bit. He is at least working again...

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## herb1

Any1 use Cilift? My cousin's been using that for 2 years and is looking for an alternative that has less side effects...


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## Viper_SA

herb1 said:


> Any1 use Cilift? My cousin's been using that for 2 years and is looking for an alternative that has less side effects...



I was on that around 2009. Worked quite wrll at the timd. Now nothing seems to work, lol. Ready to try 'alternative' medicines almost.


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## herb1

Viper_SA said:


> I was on that around 2009. Worked quite wrll at the timd. Now nothing seems to work, lol. Ready to try 'alternative' medicines almost.


Good luck, bru - hope you come right


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## Lingogrey

herb1 said:


> Any1 use Cilift? My cousin's been using that for 2 years and is looking for an alternative that has less side effects...


Hi @herb1

I was on Cipramil, of which Cilift is one of the generic equivalents, many years ago and then I switched over to Cilift for a short while. PLEASE NOTE that I am NOT a medical / healthcare professional, so what I say below is purely anecdotal and your cousin will have to discuss this with his / her GP / Psychiatrist in any case in order to get a new prescription, taper off the old / taper on the new meds etc.

Cipramil worked quite well for me with very few side effects, but when I was 'forced' by the medical aid to switch over to Cilift when it became available, I started experiencing significantly more side-effects (in general I have absolutely no problem with taking generic medication and I actually choose that option whenever available, so I'm quite sure that in this case it was not just a placebo effect). When I discussed this with my GP, he noted that he had had similar reports from many patients and from some of his colleagues. I then also queried this with a GP friend of mine, who noted the same pattern. I was then prescribed Cipralex, which is Escitalopram. This is claimed to be a refined and slightly more effective (also taken in lower dosages with possibly fewer side effects) than Citalopram (Cipramil / Cilift), but there are also arguments that this is essentially the same drug and simply an example of "evergreening" - a strategy by players in the pharmaceutical industry "to extend their monopoly privileges on the drug" (see http://thirdworld.nl/impact-of-ever...is-of-citalopram-escitalopram-antidepressants)

For me at least, I found that the Cipralex worked much better, with fewer side effects, than the Cilift and at least as well (if not better) than the Cipramil. Since a generic was not available (and to the best of my knowledge will still not be for some time), the medical aid also had to pay for it - but I'm sure that this will differ between medical aids / plans. 

Alternatives would also largely depend on which side-effects your cousin is experiencing and what specifically he / she is taking the medication for (depression 'in isolation', a combination of depression and anxiety etc.)

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Viper_SA

So, anyone wanna sell me some Mary Jane? Lol


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## Raindance

Lingogrey said:


> Hi @herb1
> 
> I was on Cipramil, of which Cilift is one of the generic equivalents, many years ago and then I switched over to Cilift for a short while. PLEASE NOTE that I am NOT a medical / healthcare professional, so what I say below is purely anecdotal and your cousin will have to discuss this with his / her GP / Psychiatrist in any case in order to get a new prescription, taper off the old / taper on the new meds etc.
> 
> Cipramil worked quite well for me with very few side effects, but when I was 'forced' by the medical aid to switch over to Cilift when it became available, I started experiencing significantly more side-effects (in general I have absolutely no problem with taking generic medication and I actually choose that option whenever available, so I'm quite sure that in this case it was not just a placebo effect). When I discussed this with my GP, he noted that he had had similar reports from many patients and from some of his colleagues. I then also queried this with a GP friend of mine, who noted the same pattern. I was then prescribed Cipralex, which is Escitalopram. This is claimed to be a refined and slightly more effective (also taken in lower dosages with possibly fewer side effects) than Citalopram (Cipramil / Cilift), but there are also arguments that this is essentially the same drug and simply an example of "evergreening" - a strategy by players in the pharmaceutical industry "to extend their monopoly privileges on the drug" (see http://thirdworld.nl/impact-of-ever...is-of-citalopram-escitalopram-antidepressants)
> 
> For me at least, I found that the Cipralex worked much better, with fewer side effects, than the Cilift and at least as well (if not better) than the Cipramil. Since a generic was not available (and to the best of my knowledge will still not be for some time), the medical aid also had to pay for it - but I'm sure that this will differ between medical aids / plans.
> 
> Alternatives would also largely depend on which side-effects your cousin is experiencing and what specifically he / she is taking the medication for (depression 'in isolation', a combination of depression and anxiety etc.)


Also went the cipramil and then cipralex route way back when. My medical aid however forced the latter on me as the generic alternative. No side effects from either though.

Regards

Reactions: Like 1


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## herb1

Thanx guys...will convey the info to her


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## AniDey

Neuk said:


> I hear from him every now and then but he has retreated in to his shell a bit. He is at least working again...


I am glad to hear that @brotiform is working again. 
Give my regards to him whenever you hear from him. 
I hope he fully recovers.


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## Viper_SA

Just thought I'd report back.....
Still not 100%, hell, not even 60%, but 110% better than last time I posted here. Thanks so much for all the PM's etc. Special mention to @Lingogrey , @Slick and @Neuk for the inspirational PM's.

I'll just leave this song herefor whomever may need it tonight. Keep the faith....

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## Normz

Hey guys, posted on here once before, and thought I was getting better, till 2 weeks ago. Been hell on earth again lately with the anxiety, starting my zytomil tomorrow morning, so apparently its progressed to needing a stronger, daily dose of meds, lets just hope these work hey 

@Viper_SA , glad your feeling better bud, even a little progress is still progress, and we're all here to back you up bro keep at it and just know you have an army of guys behind you supporting you

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## Lingogrey

Viper_SA said:


> Just thought I'd report back.....
> Still not 100%, hell, not even 60%, but 110% better than last time I posted here. Thanks so much for all the PM's etc. Special mention to @Lingogrey , @Slick and @Neuk for the inspirational PM's.
> 
> I'll just leave this song herefor whomever may need it tonight. Keep the faith....



So glad to hear that it's going better @Viper_SA !


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## Lingogrey

Normz said:


> Hey guys, posted on here once before, and thought I was getting better, till 2 weeks ago. Been hell on earth again lately with the anxiety, starting my zytomil tomorrow morning, so apparently its progressed to needing a stronger, daily dose of meds, lets just hope these work hey
> 
> @Viper_SA , glad your feeling better bud, even a little progress is still progress, and we're all here to back you up bro keep at it and just know you have an army of guys behind you supporting you


Hi @Normz 

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time! I'm sure that your great message to @Viper_SA (especially on the army of people willing to support) applies to you as well, so please do let us know how it's going and reach out any time that you need to

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## Slick

Normz said:


> Hey guys, posted on here once before, and thought I was getting better, till 2 weeks ago. Been hell on earth again lately with the anxiety, starting my zytomil tomorrow morning, so apparently its progressed to needing a stronger, daily dose of meds, lets just hope these work hey
> 
> @Viper_SA , glad your feeling better bud, even a little progress is still progress, and we're all here to back you up bro keep at it and just know you have an army of guys behind you supporting you


After every difficulty comes ease! Stay strong guys,we are all here to help each other

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Just thought I'd report back.....
> Still not 100%, hell, not even 60%, but 110% better than last time I posted here. Thanks so much for all the PM's etc. Special mention to @Lingogrey , @Slick and @Neuk for the inspirational PM's.
> 
> I'll just leave this song herefor whomever may need it tonight. Keep the faith....



Keep at it bud, it will always be a roller coaster, but tomorrow is another day at the very least if not a better day. Chin up, eyes forward and one foot in front of the other...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Normz said:


> Hey guys, posted on here once before, and thought I was getting better, till 2 weeks ago. Been hell on earth again lately with the anxiety, starting my zytomil tomorrow morning, so apparently its progressed to needing a stronger, daily dose of meds, lets just hope these work hey



Thanks for sharing @Normz, I certainly appreciate it and have always believed that sharing is good for yourself as well as others, firstly to let things out and secondly to learn that you are never alone in your struggle.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Will probably only get my new prescription on Wednesday after a phonecall session with my psychiatrist today. Adding in some stuff for anxiety and ocd. More of an issue than bipolar or depression lately. I even want to move trees that I planted myself, and was happy with their position etc, 7 years ago! lol, my mind is playing evil tricks. I think of so many things to do at once, that I get nothing done at all. To top it all off, my mom is really ill and refuses to see a doctor. If she doesn't look better in an hours' time, I'm forcing her to ER. She's been off balance and really forgetful for the last couple of days. Had a stroke some years back, so fearing the worst.


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Will probably only get my new prescription on Wednesday after a phonecall session with my psychiatrist today. Adding in some stuff for anxiety and ocd. More of an issue than bipolar or depression lately. I even want to move trees that I planted myself, and was happy with their position etc, 7 years ago! lol, my mind is playing evil tricks. I think of so many things to do at once, that I get nothing done at all. To top it all off, my mom is really ill and refuses to see a doctor. If she doesn't look better in an hours' time, I'm forcing her to ER. She's been off balance and really forgetful for the last couple of days. Had a stroke some years back, so fearing the worst.



Sorry to hear that bud, heavy stuff, here's hoping everything is alright.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Thanks bud, finally convinced her. Waiting in line at ER now.


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## Lingogrey

Viper_SA said:


> Thanks bud, finally convinced her. Waiting in line at ER now.


Really hoping all goes well with your Mom @Viper_SA !

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Silver

Strength to you and your mom @Viper_SA 
Praying for you guys.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

Right, at least they are admitting her. So that should mea someone more competent than me can watch her. So far, severe dehydration and some word with the term 'sink' thrown around. Doing bloods and ecg now. Thanks for the messages guys.

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## Neuk

@Viper_SA - Good luck with your mom bud! And keep us updated with how your new medication goes...


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## Daniel

@Viper_SA which hospital? Always good to get a second opinion just saying. If it was heavy failure and its a good hospital they would have wheeled her in so you are safe brother. 

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Tapatalk

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## Waine

@Viper_SA 


Hi there...

Sorry to read this thread...

Give the meds time to work. You may get just get used to the Seroquel. Can be a very useful drug. There have been some success stories. Best for calming moods and good for sleep. Your body will build a tolerance.

Get therapy. Also, See a psychiatrist, try to be patient while he or she works out what medicine combos work best for you. 

Thoughts of suicide can be medically induced. But also something much deeper. If you are thinking of suicide, Try to seek support from anyone especially when you have those thoughts, even if you must book yourself into casualty.

The Big black dog will get tamer, smaller, just pray. Forget religion, just pray. Even if you don't believe, pray anyway. Ask for faith, and you will come out of this. 

I have have worn more than just the T-shirt, I have an overall!

All the best, and hold on. Life can and will be great again. I am believing for you.


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## Raindance

Damn, I hate weekends.

Looking forward to the weekend all week at work. Looking forward to some freedom to do what I want. And then, when it comes around, not knowing what the hell it was I was looking forward to. Bored and dissapointed...

Its not my nature to share this kind of thing but I do so knowing that not sharing such thuoghts just makes them fester and turn into way more of a problem that they should be. And I do not want to go there again.

Anybody else feel like this?

Regards

Reactions: Agree 1 | Can relate 1


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## Viper_SA

All the time @Raindance
Or I have so much to do that I get all anxious and twisted up inside and try to do 7 million things at once, and afterwards, feel like I need to redo what I did because I was so stressed out and did not do it good enough.

Reactions: Can relate 1


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> All the time @Raindance
> Or I have so much to do that I get all anxious and twisted up inside and try to do 7 million things at once, and afterwards, feel like I need to redo what I did because I was so stressed out and did not do it good enough.


With the "wasted time" doing a number on your conscience...

There must be a way of dealing with this.

Regards


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## Raindance

Feeling as if there is supposed to be some or other great purpose to my life but that somehow I have missed the boat and now I'm just waiting out my time. A spectator in life, not a participant.

There has to be more than this...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Can relate 1


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## Neuk

@Raindance - My weekends are usually packed so I luckily don't share the same anxiety as you do but @brotiform once showed me this, regarding sharing your story, which I try remember as often as possible...

"One day, I decided to let the light in. No one would ever choose to live in darkness. I started telling people who were close to me about my diagnosis. I then talked with extended family members, classmates and coworkers. A funny thing happened once I started to share my story. I found out I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was. I heard the phrase, 'Me too,' come out of many people’s mouth. I found out that I wasn’t the only one who struggled."

And remember, you are important, you are loved, you matter

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## Neuk

@Viper_SA - How are you and how is your mom doing?


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## Feliks Karp

Raindance said:


> Feeling as if there is supposed to be some or other great purpose to my life but that somehow I have missed the boat and now I'm just waiting out my time. A spectator in life, not a participant.
> 
> There has to be more than this...



TBH I don't know how to say this without coming across preachy but you it's entirely up to you to decide what you want to do and go do it. Striving towards something meaningful can be a great attitude but it can also leave you ignoring the amazing stuff right in front of you, some days I don't accomplish everything I set out to do, but I feel super chilled because that day happened, and stuff happened, and I get to wake up the next day and go at it again, and so many people don't get that chance, so to me my day was amazing. We're all just star dust with no way of knowing how long our lives are going to last, so if you feel like you want more, go and get it!

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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> @Viper_SA - How are you and how is your mom doing?



Thanks for asking bud. Mom is still a bit up and down, but doing better. I was a bit anxious and heavy ocd the weekend, but also better today. Actually feeling a bit under the weather and looking forward to an early night. Maybe it takes getting sick to get me to take things easy, lol.

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## Raindance

Thanks all, much better today. Just hit a bump in the road there yesterday. @Feliks Karp, great advice as sometimes one forgets the positive and only sees the dark. Sometimes a kick in the butt is just what the doctor ordered as well. Lol.

As to the bump, it was sort of brought on by spending the day alone as I was most of the weekend. Will need to try and avoid such situations in future by actually planning activities for the weekend. Also would not be a bad thing to extend my social circle a bit. Think I may start hiking again.

Thanks for the advice and support. 

Regards

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## Feliks Karp

Raindance said:


> Thanks all, much better today. Just hit a bump in the road there yesterday. @Feliks Karp, great advice as sometimes one forgets the positive and only sees the dark. Sometimes a kick in the butt is just what the doctor ordered as well. Lol.
> 
> As to the bump, it was sort of brought on by spending the day alone as I was most of the weekend. Will need to try and avoid such situations in future by actually planning activities for the weekend. Also would not be a bad thing to extend my social circle a bit. Think I may start hiking again.
> 
> Thanks for the advice and support.
> 
> Regards



It sounds contrived but at one point I was in a serious rut, and I hadn't seen my best friend in about 2 years, we always seemed to have too much work, other plans, tired etc until one day another really good friend died in a car accident, and we met up for lunch to just reflect on the whole thing, and now we make sure to see each other atleast once a week even if it's just coffee, don't wait for the car wreck, pick up the phone and go get a cuppa joe with that buddy you haven't seen in awhile, it makes a massive difference to my general mood knowing I will see my friend atleast once a week. 

A few people I know have gone to a couple events on https://www.meetup.com/ but all in JHB so I don't know what CPT is like, but have a look see, maybe you find a club or get together for a hobby you enjoy.

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## craigb

Raindance said:


> sometimes one forgets the positive and only sees the dark





My favourite song which carries this exact sentiment.

'Sometimes darkness can show you the light'

Ever seen a 36 year old guy openly bawling in traffic? Play me that song and wait.

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## Raindance

craigb said:


> My favourite song which carries this exact sentiment.
> 
> 'Sometimes darkness can show you the light'
> 
> Ever seen a 36 year old guy openly bawling in traffic? Play me that song and wait.



Awesome! By the way, I get what you mean, has the same effect on 51 year olds! 

Cowboys don't cry....


.... in front of their horses!

Thanks!

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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> Thanks all, much better today. Just hit a bump in the road there yesterday. @Feliks Karp, great advice as sometimes one forgets the positive and only sees the dark. Sometimes a kick in the butt is just what the doctor ordered as well. Lol.
> 
> As to the bump, it was sort of brought on by spending the day alone as I was most of the weekend. Will need to try and avoid such situations in future by actually planning activities for the weekend. Also would not be a bad thing to extend my social circle a bit. Think I may start hiking again.
> 
> Thanks for the advice and support.
> 
> Regards



Like @Feliks Carp says, don't wait until it is too late, pick up the phone and meet that friend of yours  Humans are massively social creatures and we thrive when we interact with others, although I know what it is like to want to hope yourself up and just disappear from the rest of the world, resist it with all you have...



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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Thanks for asking bud. Mom is still a bit up and down, but doing better. I was a bit anxious and heavy ocd the weekend, but also better today. Actually feeling a bit under the weather and looking forward to an early night. Maybe it takes getting sick to get me to take things easy, lol.



Good to hear bud, please shout if you need to, we are all here for you...


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## Raindance

A good nights sleep goes a long way towards clearing up the mind. Off to the doctor this morning, booked a physical yesterday, hopefully will be able to tick off one more thing I need not worry about. Will see about getting some B12 to assist with the low energy levels which may be the cause of me wanting to hibernate over weekends. 

Not looking forward to that prostate examination though... 

Cheers! till later.

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## Raindance

Ok, guys, despite feeling a bit sheepish about my conduct over the weekend some feedback on latest developments.

As mentioned I went for a physical Tuesday and all results were in today. All in order and within acceptable limits. Also got a B12 boost which is paying off good dividends. That weighty tiredness has subsided and its become a lot more difficult to justify my procrastination since.

According to the doc my symptoms are indicative of a lack of prostate activity. He also warned that my monosexual lifestyle is contraindicated as a treatment and recommends I get myself a good woman to assist with remedial therapy. I asked him to give me a prescription but apparently the medical aid wont sanction it.

Guess I'm on my own on this one!

Thanks for putting up with me during this and regards to all.

Cheers!

(Edit: Just to set the record straight: The part about inactivity etc... That's just me giving the truth some scope and added flavor.)

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 2 | Funny 3


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## brotiform

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## Neuk

It has been too long, Brotiform has moved to the UK and I miss him, how is everyone else doing?

Reactions: Like 2


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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> It has been too long, Brotiform has moved to the UK and I miss him, how is everyone else doing?



Been a rough few months for me. On my 3rd psychiatrist in a year's time and the umpteenth prescription. Having what seems to be a very extended anxiety attack that won't let go. I feel like a stranger in my own home and have been squatting at my mom's place for the last 3 weeks. I just can't seem to be alone at all. Even picking up fresh clothes from my house leaves me a nervous wreck. Really struggling to be productive at all. I'm asleep at 8pm and struggle wake up in the mornings. Spent weekends crying my eyes out for no reason at all. But it seems the new psychiatrist and meds are starting to take effect. Much less emotional now, but very irritated by almost everything. 

At least it has gotten me praying again, and searching for a church that suits my needs. I just hate that almost all religions that have prayed for me thus far have been telling me to throw away my pills and trust in God alone. Meds are there for a reason. People seem to blame the devil for everything and make me feel like I choose to feel this way. 

Anyway, rant over. Hope everyone else is still hanging on.

Reactions: Like 4


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Been a rough few months for me. On my 3rd psychiatrist in a year's time and the umpteenth prescription. Having what seems to be a very extended anxiety attack that won't let go. I feel like a stranger in my own home and have been squatting at my mom's place for the last 3 weeks. I just can't seem to be alone at all. Even picking up fresh clothes from my house leaves me a nervous wreck. Really struggling to be productive at all. I'm asleep at 8pm and struggle wake up in the mornings. Spent weekends crying my eyes out for no reason at all. But it seems the new psychiatrist and meds are starting to take effect. Much less emotional now, but very irritated by almost everything.
> 
> At least it has gotten me praying again, and searching for a church that suits my needs. I just hate that almost all religions that have prayed for me thus far have been telling me to throw away my pills and trust in God alone. Meds are there for a reason. People seem to blame the devil for everything and make me feel like I choose to feel this way.
> 
> Anyway, rant over. Hope everyone else is still hanging on.



Thanks for the update bud  And for sharing your story...

I really have been too busy lately but always have you in my thoughts and wish I could help more than just this thread and our #It'sOkayToTalk WhatsApp group. I am glad that you are still tackling things head on, even though you are on new meds and at a new psychiatrist, you are fighting the good fight which you must never give up! Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other...

...and shout if you need to vent!

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## Raindance

I was tempted to inquire how all are doing as well. With these short grey winter days fluttering by like pigeons in the mist, I just don't seem to find the time to do much. I'm not a winters child at all. But summers coming, and that enough to keep on keeping on.

Regards

Reactions: Like 3


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## CaveTroll

Hmmm this looks to be an awesome thread. Mind if I join? Been battling severe depression since 2003 as a side effect of surviving meningitis. Well deafness as well but that's sorted with implants. Don't tend to talk much although not certain if that's the stubborn male part of me or the depression itself. Meds help enormously but bad days and weeks happen still

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## Slick

Hey @CaveTroll ,we dont mind at all,Welcome on behalf of everyone on the forum,feel free to talk to us and if you need to vent dont hesitate,some of us may not know what you are going through but we all human enough to listen

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

Good morning warriors. Let's continue the good fight this week.

Reactions: Like 5


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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> I was tempted to inquire how all are doing as well. With these short grey winter days fluttering by like pigeons in the mist, I just don't seem to find the time to do much. I'm not a winters child at all. But summers coming, and that enough to keep on keeping on.
> 
> Regards



Keep on keeping on @Raindance  Summer is around the corner...


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## Neuk

CaveTroll said:


> Hmmm this looks to be an awesome thread. Mind if I join? Been battling severe depression since 2003 as a side effect of surviving meningitis. Well deafness as well but that's sorted with implants. Don't tend to talk much although not certain if that's the stubborn male part of me or the depression itself. Meds help enormously but bad days and weeks happen still
> 
> Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk



Anyone is welcome and everyone is encouraged to participate  We may not have advice but can provide perspective from our own lives so vent away. @brotiform started a WhatsApp group if you or anyone wants to join, PM if you do.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Good morning warriors. Let's continue the good fight this week.



And fight we shall


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## Michaelsa

We fight as hard and much as we can. And when we cannot fight it alone, we have this support!

Reactions: Like 2


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## Slick

JB1987 said:


> Who can I phone for a quick conversation about vaping or just a chat? Just something to keep my mind off the terrible thoughts running around?


Hey @JB1987 ,im sorry I wasnt awake last night when you needed to talk to someone,wish I couldve been awake to meet your request,stay strong!


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## CaveTroll

Slick said:


> Hey @JB1987 ,im sorry I wasnt awake last night when you needed to talk to someone,wish I couldve been awake to meet your request,stay strong!


Was also fast asleep. Hope all is ok. Give us a shout again if you need to mate

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## Viper_SA

Me too. I was in bed at 18:30 last night. Even after my afternoon nap. Trying to reset the nerves a bit.


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## craigb

So I took a break from work to get my head straight. Surprisingly it worked rather well. 

Been seriously job hunting the last few months. Had one interview go really well, only for the process to drag on and then they told me management was going to focus elsewhere. 
1 down. 

Another one, similar story. Promising interview, positive feedback. Drags on only to be told that they are redefining the scope of the project, it will take a couple of months. 
2 down. 

Went last week for another interview. The HR person commented how rare and refreshing it is to have an interviewee be so open and honest. Went through a lot of stuff in the chat and drove home air punching the whole way. 

I should tell you now, we've had a rough couple of years and my debt spiraled out of control. It was reckless and stupid. I've now been under debt counseling for over a year and have not missed a payment. I told them this in the interview (they would've found out during the background check anyway) 

Got a phone call today the manager that interviewed me WANTS me on the team.,but... 80% of their clients are in the financial industry. Those are the clients I would have been working with. 

And they are the clients most scared (for justifiable reason) of compromised employees and contractors. 

****. I am so down right now, watching my savings deplete, but I had to stop working for mental health reasons. For 12 years I've been lead and mostly sole developer on largish BI installations while trying to come to terms with many personal issues. The combined stress was just too much. 

Now that in ready to go again, my past errors are working against me,even though I've tried fixing them, it's not enough. 

Enough whining about my self inflicted woes, I just needed to vent. 

C


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## Slick

@craigb I dont know what to tell you bud,just hope things turn out better for you in the future,stay strong and remember we here to listen,so keep it coming

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## Glytch

Your post resonates with me. I've burnt bridges because of my past mistakes and felt the consequences. My only advice is to try and forgive yourself. You made mistakes. We all do. You've paid the price. Try not to beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. 

Hope things take a turn for the better. We're all rooting for you!



craigb said:


> So I took a break from work to get my head straight. Surprisingly it worked rather well.
> 
> Been seriously job hunting the last few months. Had one interview go really well, only for the process to drag on and then they told me management was going to focus elsewhere.
> 1 down.
> 
> Another one, similar story. Promising interview, positive feedback. Drags on only to be told that they are redefining the scope of the project, it will take a couple of months.
> 2 down.
> 
> Went last week for another interview. The HR person commented how rare and refreshing it is to have an interviewee be so open and honest. Went through a lot of stuff in the chat and drove home air punching the whole way.
> 
> I should tell you now, we've had a rough couple of years and my debt spiraled out of control. It was reckless and stupid. I've now been under debt counseling for over a year and have not missed a payment. I told them this in the interview (they would've found out during the background check anyway)
> 
> Got a phone call today the manager that interviewed me WANTS me on the team.,but... 80% of their clients are in the financial industry. Those are the clients I would have been working with.
> 
> And they are the clients most scared (for justifiable reason) of compromised employees and contractors.
> 
> ****. I am so down right now, watching my savings deplete, but I had to stop working for mental health reasons. For 12 years I've been lead and mostly sole developer on largish BI installations while trying to come to terms with many personal issues. The combined stress was just too much.
> 
> Now that in ready to go again, my past errors are working against me,even though I've tried fixing them, it's not enough.
> 
> Enough whining about my self inflicted woes, I just needed to vent.
> 
> C

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## Neuk

craigb said:


> So I took a break from work to get my head straight. Surprisingly it worked rather well.
> 
> Been seriously job hunting the last few months. Had one interview go really well, only for the process to drag on and then they told me management was going to focus elsewhere.
> 1 down.
> 
> Another one, similar story. Promising interview, positive feedback. Drags on only to be told that they are redefining the scope of the project, it will take a couple of months.
> 2 down.
> 
> Went last week for another interview. The HR person commented how rare and refreshing it is to have an interviewee be so open and honest. Went through a lot of stuff in the chat and drove home air punching the whole way.
> 
> I should tell you now, we've had a rough couple of years and my debt spiraled out of control. It was reckless and stupid. I've now been under debt counseling for over a year and have not missed a payment. I told them this in the interview (they would've found out during the background check anyway)
> 
> Got a phone call today the manager that interviewed me WANTS me on the team.,but... 80% of their clients are in the financial industry. Those are the clients I would have been working with.
> 
> And they are the clients most scared (for justifiable reason) of compromised employees and contractors.
> 
> ****. I am so down right now, watching my savings deplete, but I had to stop working for mental health reasons. For 12 years I've been lead and mostly sole developer on largish BI installations while trying to come to terms with many personal issues. The combined stress was just too much.
> 
> Now that in ready to go again, my past errors are working against me,even though I've tried fixing them, it's not enough.
> 
> Enough whining about my self inflicted woes, I just needed to vent.
> 
> C



Bud, firstly, it's not whining it is venting and exactly what this thread and our WhatsApp group are for  Secondly, like has been said already, you need to accept the past, correct what you can, learn what you can from it, forgive yourself and move forward as positively as possible. It sounds like you are mostly doing this, so this is merely a blip on the radar in moving forward and finding your way again, keep at it!

What BI systems have you worked on before or are certified in?

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## craigb

Neuk said:


> Bud, firstly, it's not whining it is venting and exactly what this thread and our WhatsApp group are for  Secondly, like has been said already, you need to accept the past, correct what you can, learn what you can from it, forgive yourself and move forward as positively as possible. It sounds like you are mostly doing this, so this is merely a blip on the radar in moving forward and finding your way again, keep at it!
> 
> What BI systems have you worked on before or are certified in?


I work on the mssql stack. Mostly the data moving and data shaping parts(etl) . I leave the report making for people that make pretty stuff. 

Going to try get myself out there and at least get some micro jobs for the short term. Writing, database, programming, etc. Fingers crossed.


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## Neuk

craigb said:


> I work on the mssql stack. Mostly the data moving and data shaping parts(etl) . I leave the report making for people that make pretty stuff.
> 
> Going to try get myself out there and at least get some micro jobs for the short term. Writing, database, programming, etc. Fingers crossed.



Cool, we us SQL as our main ERP database as well as for our planning, reporting, etc. databases. Send me a PM and I can get your CV if anything opens up or if I hear of anything...


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## Neuk

Slick said:


> Hey @JB1987 ,im sorry I wasnt awake last night when you needed to talk to someone,wish I couldve been awake to meet your request,stay strong!



@JB1987 - I can't find this post, did you remove it? PM me if you would feel more comfortable...


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## QKNatasha

I somehow managed to stumble onto this thread this morning. 

Been spending most my time reading through everyone's messages.

Firstly I think it's amazing that there's so much support and then secondly, I don't know if I even have the right to comment here. Like I'm not worthy of.

I'm not going to say too much. I'm still in denial I think.

Depression can't exist in my life. My mother suffered from depression and after a few attempts managed to end it all when I was 12. 

I am not my mother.

I cannot have depression.

My doctor diagnosed me with extreme depression and anxiety disorder a week ago. Been 5 days of pills and I am not feeling any better.

Have to go back next Friday.

Medical aid will only put my meds on chronic if I get evaluated by a pshyciatrist.

I am not crazy.
I am not my mother.

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## Neuk

QKNatasha said:


> I somehow managed to stumble onto this thread this morning.
> 
> Been spending most my time reading through everyone's messages.
> 
> Firstly I think it's amazing that there's so much support and then secondly, I don't know if I even have the right to comment here. Like I'm not worthy of.
> 
> I'm not going to say too much. I'm still in denial I think.
> 
> Depression can't exist in my life. My mother suffered from depression and after a few attempts managed to end it all when I was 12.
> 
> I am not my mother.
> 
> I cannot have depression.
> 
> My doctor diagnosed me with extreme depression and anxiety disorder a week ago. Been 5 days of pills and I am not feeling any better.
> 
> Have to go back next Friday.
> 
> Medical aid will only put my meds on chronic if I get evaluated by a pshyciatrist.
> 
> I am not crazy.
> I am not my mother.



Welcome @QKNatasha  You are more than worthy to comment, in fact, any one is as we all experience life differently. You are right about two things, you are not crazy and you are not your mother, even if you are diagnosed with depression. Depression does not define you even though it is a part of who you are and have become. Seek help, seek guidance, speak up, vent, etc. but do not deny or hide it. And always remember, chin up, eyes forward and one foot in front of the other...

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1


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## craigb

QKNatasha said:


> I somehow managed to stumble onto this thread this morning.
> 
> Been spending most my time reading through everyone's messages.
> 
> Firstly I think it's amazing that there's so much support and then secondly, I don't know if I even have the right to comment here. Like I'm not worthy of.
> 
> I'm not going to say too much. I'm still in denial I think.
> 
> Depression can't exist in my life. My mother suffered from depression and after a few attempts managed to end it all when I was 12.
> 
> I am not my mother.
> 
> I cannot have depression.
> 
> My doctor diagnosed me with extreme depression and anxiety disorder a week ago. Been 5 days of pills and I am not feeling any better.
> 
> Have to go back next Friday.
> 
> Medical aid will only put my meds on chronic if I get evaluated by a pshyciatrist.
> 
> I am not crazy.
> I am not my mother.


You are not crazy. 
You are not your mother. 

Your brain just works slightly differently. Meds can take a few weeks to get up to level in your blood stream. 

Try not to make any bad decisions (I have a lot of experience there) 

Meds can help in most cases. 
The first round of medicine quite often is the the right one. Tell your doctor if it's not working. Stick with it. It could be the third or 10th combination that works for you. 

Don't give up. 

You are not your mother. 
You are not crazy. 

You are a beautiful, wonderful and unique human being. 

You do have the strength. 
There is strength in numbers. 
You have found the numbers here. 

You are!

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 2 | Thanks 1


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## CaveTroll

craigb said:


> You are not crazy.
> You are not your mother.
> 
> Your brain just works slightly differently. Meds can take a few weeks to get up to level in your blood stream.
> 
> Try not to make any bad decisions (I have a lot of experience there)
> 
> Meds can help in most cases.
> The first round of medicine quite often is the the right one. Tell your doctor if it's not working. Stick with it. It could be the third or 10th combination that works for you.
> 
> Don't give up.
> 
> You are not your mother.
> You are not crazy.
> 
> You are a beautiful, wonderful and unique human being.
> 
> You do have the strength.
> There is strength in numbers.
> You have found the numbers here.
> 
> You are!


Everything craigb said here is absolutely true! Depression can be dealt with. It's tough as hell but I've found over the years that facing it head on, following up with doctors and a handful of hood people all help tremendously

Then there are groups like this. Good people all coming together to be there for others also facing some hurdles.
You are not crazy! 
You are not your mother! 

You've proven that already by chatting to a doc and to us here. 

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## craigb

Slight typo... First round of meds often ISN'T the right combo, but keep trying. 

It's OK to cry. 

Shine on you crazy diamonds!

Reactions: Like 2 | Optimistic 1


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## Viper_SA

Welcome @QKNatasha 
Please also feel free to join our WhatsApp group. Great little group we have here. I also suffer from severe anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, some obsessive compulsive personality disorder and a small helping of borderline personality disorder. I think in many ways I'm the most fckup guy in this group. lol

Reactions: Like 1


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## QKNatasha

Viper_SA said:


> Welcome @QKNatasha
> Please also feel free to join our WhatsApp group. Great little group we have here. I also suffer from severe anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, some obsessive compulsive personality disorder and a small helping of borderline personality disorder. I think in many ways I'm the most fckup guy in this group. lol


I too have obsessive compulsive behaviour. I read somewhere that you self mutilate... I'm a sadomasochist so can jump on that boat of yours too if you would allow me.

How do I join your WhatsApp group.
6 questionnaires?
A bake off?
Jump through hoops?


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## QKNatasha

craigb said:


> You are not crazy.
> You are not your mother.
> 
> Your brain just works slightly differently. Meds can take a few weeks to get up to level in your blood stream.
> 
> Try not to make any bad decisions (I have a lot of experience there)
> 
> Meds can help in most cases.
> The first round of medicine quite often is the the right one. Tell your doctor if it's not working. Stick with it. It could be the third or 10th combination that works for you.
> 
> Don't give up.
> 
> You are not your mother.
> You are not crazy.
> 
> You are a beautiful, wonderful and unique human being.
> 
> You do have the strength.
> There is strength in numbers.
> You have found the numbers here.
> 
> You are!


I've read this 3 times now.

And every time I read it I feel something.


Thanks for this

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## craigb

QKNatasha said:


> I've read this 3 times now.
> 
> And every time I read it I feel something.
> 
> 
> Thanks for this


Yes, nausea is a normal reaction


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## Viper_SA

You can PM @Neuk your number, or me, and we can add you, no problems.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Glytch

@QKNatasha, while I can't understand what you're feeling with regards to your diagnosis I can tell you that I was diagnosed with anxiety 6 years ago. It was weird because I my family had no history of the illness... or so I thought.

As I've journeyed through my anxiety (and journeyed with my wife through her depression) I've noticed that my father probably has both. He is 71 years old and his life is a mess. I can't help but wonder how his life would be different and how much I could have learnt from his illness(es) had he been diagnosed earlier in life.

I don't know how long ago you lost your mom but I can assure you that the treatments and available help for depression and other mental illnesses is far more readily available and the understanding of the medication used to treat it is more advanced. The stigma attached to mental illness is also on it's way out (not quickly enough though).

You're NOT your mother.
Your diagnosis is NOT your mother's diagnosis.
Your prognosis is NOT your mother's prognosis.

You are also going into this aware of what depression can do to someone. This may cause fear and may seem crippling at the moment but you have a way better chance of beating this than she did and you will. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 2


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## Neuk

QKNatasha said:


> I too have obsessive compulsive behaviour. I read somewhere that you self mutilate... I'm a sadomasochist so can jump on that boat of yours too if you would allow me.
> 
> How do I join your WhatsApp group.
> 6 questionnaires?
> A bake off?
> Jump through hoops?



In for the bake off! But I don't bake, I just eat  PM me your cell number and I'll add you on the WhatsApp group.


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## Neuk

This is really hitting hard at the moment...

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/20/arts/music/chester-bennington-linkin-park-dead.html

His voice in this song...



...has been a sort of anthem for me the last 18 months, so much so that I had the words let it go tattoo'd on my left wrist as a daily reminder...

Reactions: Like 1


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## QKNatasha

Neuk said:


> In for the bake off! But I don't bake, I just eat  PM me your cell number and I'll add you on the WhatsApp group.



I suck at baking.

You'd probably get poisoned.
I wouldn't chance it if I were you.

Will message you now.
Thanks so much..

Oh yes. Love the tattoo.


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## Neuk

QKNatasha said:


> I suck at baking.
> 
> You'd probably get poisoned.
> I wouldn't chance it if I were you.
> 
> Will message you now.
> Thanks so much..
> 
> Oh yes. Love the tattoo.



Ha Ha  Welcome to the group and thanks for the compliment.


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## Waine

One of the problems with having a mental condition and vaping is, one tends to "comfort spend" to feel good. So, we buy vaping gear to get that dopamine rush, the feeling of control and satisfaction. It's a "rabbit hole."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Reactions: Agree 1 | Can relate 2


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## Neuk

Waine said:


> One of the problems with having a mental condition and vaping is, one tends to "comfort spend" to feel good. So, we buy vaping gear to get that dopamine rush, the feeling of control and satisfaction. It's a "rabbit hole."
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I have been there and done that, with many hobbies, not just vaping. I am getting it under control though, learning to enjoy what I have and not chase the next best thing that is always the next best thing for a few weeks before the next next best thing arrives...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

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## ASCIIcat

Waine said:


> One of the problems with having a mental condition and vaping is, one tends to "comfort spend" to feel good. So, we buy vaping gear to get that dopamine rush, the feeling of control and satisfaction. It's a "rabbit hole."
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I know all too well how far down this rabbit hole goes. Only recently (read "in the last 8 months") I managed to get my life back in order, the rush of spending was something I enjoyed so much I ended up putting myself is massive amounts of debt. 
Something that really helped me with controlling it was to talk to someone before making any big purchase, sometimes it helped to snap myself back to reality. Especially when you are looking at dropping a couple grand on something that you really don't need and will probably forget about in a short time.

Reactions: Like 1


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## craigb




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## Raindance

craigb said:


>


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## ASCIIcat

craigb said:


>


Everything okay? 

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk


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## Neuk

craigb said:


>



What's up bud?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## craigb

Thanks guys, things just really hitting hard at the moment

Reactions: Can relate 2


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## ASCIIcat

craigb said:


> Thanks guys, things just really hitting hard at the moment


If you want to talk, I'm here dude. Hit me with a PM 

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

craigb said:


> Thanks guys, things just really hitting hard at the moment



We're all here to listen bud

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Neuk

craigb said:


> Thanks guys, things just really hitting hard at the moment



I am sorry to hear bud, shout if you need to chat and I suggest joining our WhatsApp group 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

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## craigb

The usual crap. I can deal with the #mentalhealth or trying to pay rent. Not both. 

Just need to figure out the next month or 2 then I'm back on track.


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## Neuk

craigb said:


> The usual crap. I can deal with the #mentalhealth or trying to pay rent. Not both.
> 
> Just need to figure out the next month or 2 then I'm back on track.



You'll figure it out and then you'll have these months again, such is life at times but we do the best we can and move forward...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Feliks Karp

A buddy of mine was feeling down this weekend, so we went and hung out over a cup of Joe. Something he said really resonated with me, he said he was sick of feeling ostracized for being depressed, and we got to talking about a subject that's actually a personal pain in my ass, "positive people". 

It irks me to no ******* end that society appears to relate mental illness solely with "negativity". Anyone who has either suffered a bout of depression or has chronic depression, has had the "just cheer up" experience, and I blame it on society's obsession with being "positive". Someone who is literally positive about every damn thing or completely omits negative events/experiences/feelings is suffering from delusions and I'd go as far as to call it borderline psychosis. 

What happened to the middle-ground? Why do people not get taught to be realistic, why is it seemingly forgotten that life is caught in the ebb and flow of both aspects? 

I'm bold enough to blame a lot of depression on this idiotic concept that embracing only the positive reaps rewards. How can anyone expect to have a healthy balanced perspective without realising that light casts a shadow, and there are nights where the moon isn't full?

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## ASCIIcat

@Feliks Karp I hear you dude, it was something that ended up with me cutting connections off with half my family. I could not just handle the "just cheer up" "happiness is choice" and all that other crap. Over the years I have learnt to just ride the waves, I can feel when a low is coming on and that is what is normal. 
Permanent positivity is something that has concerned me, since my experiences with people who seem to always be positive "usually" (though read: not always, not trying to brush everyone at once) seem to get their backs up against depression and being down. I concern is people usually hate what reminds them of their own flaws and weaknesses. I wonder if the positity that society wears is nothing more than a mask to hide the real people behind? 

(PS.. I am also on some serious meds at the moment so this may just be the painkillers rambling )

Reactions: Like 1 | Informative 1


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## Glytch

Feliks Karp said:


> A buddy of mine was feeling down this weekend, so we went and hung out over a cup of Joe. Something he said really resonated with me, he said he was sick of feeling ostracized for being depressed, and we got to talking about a subject that's actually a personal pain in my ass, "positive people".
> 
> It irks me to no ******* end that society appears to relate mental illness solely with "negativity". Anyone who has either suffered a bout of depression or has chronic depression, has had the "just cheer up" experience, and I blame it on society's obsession with being "positive". Someone who is literally positive about every damn thing or completely omits negative events/experiences/feelings is suffering from delusions and I'd go as far as to call it borderline psychosis.
> 
> What happened to the middle-ground? Why do people not get taught to be realistic, why is it seemingly forgotten that life is caught in the ebb and flow of both aspects?
> 
> I'm bold enough to blame a lot of depression on this idiotic concept that embracing only the positive reaps rewards. How can anyone expect to have a healthy balanced perspective without realising that light casts a shadow, and there are nights where the moon isn't full?



I can highly recommend a book by Rick Hanson called Hardwiring Happiness. His premise is that our brains are hardwired to focus on the negative aspects of life because they have survival value. It's better to assume there's a tiger in the bush when there isn't one than to assume there are no tigers in the bush and there is one. But in modern day life a lot of the negative problems (relationships, finances, social ills) are not worth focusing on constantly as our brain's automated negative response don't help to spur us into action. In short negative experiences are like velcro for our brain and positive experiences are like teflon (we discard them because they aren't as useful as negative experiences).

The majority of the book is how to hardwire your brain to really take in positive experiences. Our life is full of them but we don't distribute our energy equally between positive and negative experiences. He gives practical tips for experiencing positivity and not generating it artificially. This means that we build neural pathways that allow us to take in positive experiences and those pathways are available to us when the chips are down.

This book is not a cure for mental illness and no-one should struggling with a mental illness should replace medication or professional help with this book but it does help to build resilience and learn valuable coping mechanisms without being that annoying positive person we hate so much.

For me the book has largely helped me gain perspective. It has helped me realise that I have a great deal to be happy about. Does this help me be less anxious? No. Does it help me avoid stressful situations? No. But it does give perspective in that the bad things, as bad as they may be, don't define my life. 

Hope this helps someone in some small way.

Reactions: Like 3 | Thanks 2


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## ASCIIcat

Glytch said:


> I can highly recommend a book by Rick Hanson called Hardwiring Happiness


Thanks, I will actually check that out.


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## Neuk

Feliks Karp said:


> A buddy of mine was feeling down this weekend, so we went and hung out over a cup of Joe. Something he said really resonated with me, he said he was sick of feeling ostracized for being depressed, and we got to talking about a subject that's actually a personal pain in my ass, "positive people".
> 
> It irks me to no ******* end that society appears to relate mental illness solely with "negativity". Anyone who has either suffered a bout of depression or has chronic depression, has had the "just cheer up" experience, and I blame it on society's obsession with being "positive". Someone who is literally positive about every damn thing or completely omits negative events/experiences/feelings is suffering from delusions and I'd go as far as to call it borderline psychosis.
> 
> What happened to the middle-ground? Why do people not get taught to be realistic, why is it seemingly forgotten that life is caught in the ebb and flow of both aspects?
> 
> I'm bold enough to blame a lot of depression on this idiotic concept that embracing only the positive reaps rewards. How can anyone expect to have a healthy balanced perspective without realising that light casts a shadow, and there are nights where the moon isn't full?



Unfortunately, too many have this view that one can simply snap out of it and cheer up, when they are feeling down or depressed. In reality it is not that simple at all although one must take acknowledge their mental state, take responsibility for accepting it and actively work on doing whatever they can to manage it.

In terms of the "positive people", we live in an instant gratification society that feeds on social media, where generally we only get to see or experience the positive experiences of peoples lives but very rarely the stress, strain, negativity, pressure, etc. being positive 100% of the time is completely unrealistic, like you say, there are moments or times in life when one gets stressed or worried but this is completely normal. I am not against being positive at all, I am sure it can do wonders at the worst of times, but the belief that you always have to be and if you aren't there is something wrong is a huge issue in society today.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Informative 1


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## Viper_SA

Just an update, or rather my view. You can a hundred people about your demons, but you have to fight them alone. No one can fight them for you. It does help to know your not the only one, but at the end of the day you stand alone against your dark side. Only YOU can overcome the darkness through acceptance and prayer.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Winner 1


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## Neuk

Neuk said:


> Unfortunately, too many have this view that one can simply snap out of it and cheer up, when they are feeling down or depressed. In reality it is not that simple at all although one must take acknowledge their mental state, take responsibility for accepting it and actively work on doing whatever they can to manage it.
> 
> In terms of the "positive people", we live in an instant gratification society that feeds on social media, where generally we only get to see or experience the positive experiences of peoples lives but very rarely the stress, strain, negativity, pressure, etc. being positive 100% of the time is completely unrealistic, like you say, there are moments or times in life when one gets stressed or worried but this is completely normal. I am not against being positive at all, I am sure it can do wonders at the worst of times, but the belief that you always have to be and if you aren't there is something wrong is a huge issue in society today.



An interesting article...

https://themighty.com/2017/07/honest-selfies-mental-illness/

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Just an update, or rather my view. You can a hundred people about your demons, but you have to fight them alone. No one can fight them for you. It does help to know your not the only one, but at the end of the day you stand alone against your dark side. Only YOU can overcome the darkness through acceptance and prayer.



I agree 100% that the bulk of the battle is your own but don't underestimate the power of support from friends, family and loved ones

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Just an update. Been a week since I moved back home. Coping well enough alone, but today is one of those days I wish I had a girlfriend to go and have coffee with just to have something to look forward to. Just to be close to someone and feel like I belong somewhere and that someone cares. Just a little affection and intimacy, not even sex, just to be with someone and cuddle. Other than that, my hole seems to have become a bit more shallow and at times I see the sunshine again.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Just an update. Been a week since I moved back home. Coping well enough alone, but today is one of those days I wish I had a girlfriend to go and have coffee with just to have something to look forward to. Just to be close to someone and feel like I belong somewhere and that someone cares. Just a little affection and intimacy, not even sex, just to be with someone and cuddle. Other than that, my hole seems to have become a bit more shallow and at times I see the sunshine again.



That is great to hear bud  I know what it feels like to feel lonely but being alone has its benefits and is part of our growth, never forget that!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Viper_SA

Today I'm having one of those guilt-trip days. Took yesterday easy, well easy in my book. Cleaned out my rodent cages, did the week's laundry and fed all my Snakes. Today I have that guilty feeling that I didn't do enough yesterday and feel a little overwhelmed by the small tasks I have to do, like watering the snakes and checking who ate and who didn't. 
Just another melancholic Sunday blues day. I could have, I should have, I still need to kind of days. Starting to think a psychologist is need with my meds from the psychiatrist. If only medical aids weren't so useless.

Reactions: Can relate 1


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Today I'm having one of those guilt-trip days. Took yesterday easy, well easy in my book. Cleaned out my rodent cages, did the week's laundry and fed all my Snakes. Today I have that guilty feeling that I didn't do enough yesterday and feel a little overwhelmed by the small tasks I have to do, like watering the snakes and checking who ate and who didn't.
> Just another melancholic Sunday blues day. I could have, I should have, I still need to kind of days. Starting to think a psychologist is need with my meds from the psychiatrist. If only medical aids weren't so useless.


@Viper_SA I know that feeling all to well. 

That elephant that needs eating and the nausea caused by the mere thought of it. Starting one thing but that leading to the next before its finished and a chain of such events resulting in many things started but nothing finished at the end of the day. Yeah, having one of those days right now as a matter of fact.

Tell you what, lets each pick one thing and one thing only. Do that not allowing us to get side tracked by thoughts of all the other things. Only thinking and moving to the next once that one is done. Lets see what we can accomplish by the end of this day, 16:00, and then allowing ourselves some time to chill. It's ok to chill. As long as we get one thing completely done each day, that elephant will get eaten, even if it means doing so in installments.

It is the only way to do so in any case...

Regards

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

Raindance said:


> @Viper_SA I know that feeling all to well.
> 
> That elephant that needs eating and the nausea caused by the mere thought of it. Starting one thing but that leading to the next before its finished and a chain of such events resulting in many things started but nothing finished at the end of the day. Yeah, having one of those days right now as a matter of fact.
> 
> Tell you what, lets each pick one thing and one thing only. Do that not allowing us to get side tracked by thoughts of all the other things. Only thinking and moving to the next once that one is done. Lets see what we can accomplish by the end of this day, 16:00, and then allowing ourselves some time to chill. It's ok to chill. As long as we get one thing completely done each day, that elephant will get eaten, even if it means doing so in installments.
> 
> It is the only way to do so in any case...
> 
> Regards



Just had Sunday lunch at mom's place. At least I ironed my shirts for the week and washed the dishes at home. I'm a lazy bastard with dishes. By the time it hits me the whole kitchen is full of coffee mugs. Thinking of mixing some juice later or taking an afternoon nap. So far it's 3:1 in the nap's favour

Reactions: Like 1


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## Glytch

Viper_SA said:


> Just had Sunday lunch at mom's place. At least I ironed my shirts for the week and washed the dishes at home. I'm a lazy bastard with dishes. By the time it hits me the whole kitchen is full of coffee mugs. Thinking of mixing some juice later or taking an afternoon nap. So far it's 3:1 in the nap's favour



Well done for getting some chores done. I find it always helps to have those daily tasks and chores squared away. There's truth to the theory that a tidy, organised home helps one's mind to be tidy and organised as well. 

Keep doing these little things. They don't seem important but they can have a significant impact on mental health.

One day at a time...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

Anyone know of any good online dating sites? I'm on the verge of paying a prostitute to go to the movies with  being alone 24/7 sucks


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## Waine

I would register on a few dating sites if I were you. Nothing wrong with that. Cast your line out, you may catch a nice fish. Don't discuss the depression on your first date. Leave it until you get to know each other a bit better. All the best!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Viper_SA

Waine said:


> I would register on a few dating sites if I were you. Nothing wrong with that. Cast your line out, you may catch a nice fish. Don't discuss the depression on your first date. Leave it until you get to know each other a bit better. All the best!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Thanks. Unfortunately all these sites cost money, so I was hoping someone here had a success story to tell. Anyway... 

Viper, out!


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Thanks. Unfortunately all these sites cost money, so I was hoping someone here had a success story to tell. Anyway...
> 
> Viper, out!


Depends on how you define success...


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## Viper_SA

Raindance said:


> Depends on how you define success...



Success at this stage would be getting a reply to a message at least. Maybe I'm just too boring and/or fugly to attract attention


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## Viper_SA

This thread has gone very quiet. Everyone still okay?


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## craigb

Viper_SA said:


> This thread has gone very quiet. Everyone still okay?


Loooong story here. Still job hunting. Roller coaster of emotions. 1 day at a time. 

How's you doin'?


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> This thread has gone very quiet. Everyone still okay?



I am doing well, despite some stress and sleep issues due to a stressful process I am going through but it is nearly done and the end result will be a dream come true 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Reactions: Like 2


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## Viper_SA

craigb said:


> Loooong story here. Still job hunting. Roller coaster of emotions. 1 day at a time.
> 
> How's you doin'?



Anxious, lonely and horny


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## Neuk

How is everyone doing?

I have been having an up and down time, some really exciting things happening but also some really crappy things, like my brother being admitted to a clinic for his depression and alcohol problems. I know it is for his best, and my parents best, but it still upsets me...


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## Raindance

Busy tackling the things that bug me one at a time. As long as I end each day with a little progress, even the smallest, things will be ok.


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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> Busy tackling the things that bug me one at a time. As long as I end each day with a little progress, even the smallest, things will be ok.



Good job bud! Even small steps forward, keep you moving forward...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

So I'm trying a new approach. Watch less series during the week to keep my mind off the loneliness and do weekend chores so long. Cleaned out all my rodent cages tonight and fed all my Snakes. That used to take up my whole Sunday almost. Tomorrow night the reptile cages gets cleaned out and then all I have to do this weekend is gardening if weather allows. Also just pre-booked a massage for Saturday. Time to spoil myself a little.

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 3


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## Raindance

Another Saturday night and I ain't ... What the hell. I'm bored.
Hope the rest of us are at least having some fun?

Regards


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## Rob Fisher

Raindance said:


> Another Saturday night and I ain't ... What the hell. I'm bored.
> Hope the rest of us are at least having some fun?



I'm having fun @Raindance! I'm packed for JHB, PTA and VapeCon! Nearly finished... then chill time, 1 sleep and then hit the road.

Reactions: Winner 1


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## Raindance

Rob Fisher said:


> I'm having fun @Raindance! I'm packed for JHB, PTA and VapeCon! Nearly finished... then chill time, 1 sleep and then hit the road.


Sounds awesome! I'll just live vicariously through your posts @Rob Fisher, so please keep us updated! Lol.

Regards


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## Rob Fisher

Raindance said:


> Sounds awesome! I'll just live vicariously through your posts @Rob Fisher, so please keep us updated! Lol.



Will certainly try @Raindance! At least we have an official photographer and videographer so we will have plenty of footage for those that miss it.


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## Raindance

Rob Fisher said:


> I'm having fun @Raindance! I'm packed for JHB, PTA and VapeCon! Nearly finished... then chill time, 1 sleep and then hit the road.


That will be great! I have seriously considered taking a drive up, the idea is seriously tempting. Not so much the specials (only) but the vibe must be something memorable. Its one of those "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" scenarios. If I were to go, the expense would haunt me as irresponsible, if I don't, regret for not just taking the chance and doing it for the experience's sake.

The jury is still debating the verdict so who knows...

Regards


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## Rob Fisher

Raindance said:


> That will be great! I have seriously considered taking a drive up, the idea is seriously tempting. Not so much the specials (only) but the vibe must be something memorable. Its one of those "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" scenarios. If I were to go, the expense would haunt me as irresponsible, if I don't, regret for not just taking the chance and doing it for the experience's sake.
> 
> The jury is still debating the verdict so who knows...



Yip I'm so with you on the vibe... it is just so awesome to meet all the people you have been chatting to all year! It's quite funny because you meet people face to face for the first time and it's feels like long lost mates!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## ASCIIcat

Hey all, just wanted to ask how everyone is doing?
We're halfway through the working week, we got this
Keep rocking on!


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## Viper_SA

Was doing much better until the weekend hit. That was a downer again. Loooong story. At least I got to party with a bunch of chicks and their mom. They had a bacheloret party at my local watering hole. Cost me a shit load of money on shooters and drinks, but I had fun. Apparently too much if I listen to the voicemail I got from one of the boyfriends..... I swear I don't remember kissing anyone or even giving out my number. 

I have realised though that alcohol and depression/depression related drugs don't mix well. I was on a helluva high Saturday, and been feeling down ever since. Always been my problem, I never know where enough is enough. The manager had to ask me to leave so he can lock up. So, when I do still feel like partying I party like a rock star, and get hangovers like a drama queen.


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## Neuk

ASCIIcat said:


> Hey all, just wanted to ask how everyone is doing?
> We're halfway through the working week, we got this
> Keep rocking on!



Thanks for asking @ASCIIcat  I have been doing pretty well, I had a similar weekend to @Viper_SA, a large unexpected Saturday night which meant I was useless on Sunday! Work is a little slow at the moment so I am trying to keep myself busy. as boredom has a massive affect on me with my mood dipping and self critical thinking on my mind. In more personal news, my middle brother who was admitted to a clinic to help him with his depression and alcohol addiction is apparently doing very well which I am very happy about. In the back of my mind, I have always felt a bit of blame for not reaching out to him more...


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Was doing much better until the weekend hit. That was a downer again. Loooong story. At least I got to party with a bunch of chicks and their mom. They had a bacheloret party at my local watering hole. Cost me a shit load of money on shooters and drinks, but I had fun. Apparently too much if I listen to the voicemail I got from one of the boyfriends..... I swear I don't remember kissing anyone or even giving out my number.
> 
> I have realised though that alcohol and depression/depression related drugs don't mix well. I was on a helluva high Saturday, and been feeling down ever since. Always been my problem, I never know where enough is enough. The manager had to ask me to leave so he can lock up. So, when I do still feel like partying I party like a rock star, and get hangovers like a drama queen.



Alcohol, and recreational drugs for that matter, are never a good idea for anyone struggling with anxiety, depression, etc. I have found this out first hand as well as with friends like @brotiform  Unfortunately, the norm in society is that you can't have fun without at least alcohol, which is a complete load of shit in my opinion.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ASCIIcat

Neuk said:


> Alcohol, and recreational drugs for that matter, are never a good idea for anyone struggling with anxiety, depression, etc. I have found this out first hand as well as with friends like @brotiform  Unfortunately, the norm in society is that you can't have fun without at least alcohol, which is a complete load of shit in my opinion.


I agree with this, use to only go out if there was a chance to "drown my sorrows". Now just chilling with a cup of coffee with good friends is something I enjoy way more.

@Viper_SA Though I hope you feel a bit more like yourself soon, the post weekends can really be terrible.

@Neuk I am glad to hear your brother is doing better. I know it may really not feel like it, but you don't need to blame yourself for not reaching out; often when we are consumed by our own demons, we seldom see each other's.


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## Neuk

ASCIIcat said:


> @Neuk I am glad to hear your brother is doing better. I know it may really not feel like it, but you don't need to blame yourself for not reaching out; often when we are consumed by our own demons, we seldom see each other's.



Thanks @ASCIIcat  I have known he has issues for a while now but we have never been close so I found it very difficult to open up to him and get him to open up to me, him being in Ballito with my parents didn't help either but is no excuse. When he is out of the clinic and back home, I will make a point of sharing my story, nothing more, and if he wants to share his then that would be great...

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## ASCIIcat

Neuk said:


> Thanks @ASCIIcat  I have known he has issues for a while now but we have never been close so I found it very difficult to open up to him and get him to open up to me, him being in Ballito with my parents didn't help either but is no excuse. When he is out of the clinic and back home, I will make a point of sharing my story, nothing more, and if he wants to share his then that would be great...


That's a great idea, I have also started spending more time with my brother. There was such a massive age gap while we were growing up, we never really got along or got to know each other. Only in the more recent months have we really been hanging out. 
So even if it is late, there is still always time to make a connection  

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk


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## Neuk

ASCIIcat said:


> That's a great idea, I have also started spending more time with my brother. There was such a massive age gap while we were growing up, we never really got along or got to know each other. Only in the more recent months have we really been hanging out.
> So even if it is late, there is still always time to make a connection
> 
> Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk



You are right, it is never too late, I just want him to know that he is not alone in this journey. I can't help him professionally, but just knowing that he is not alone, I hope will give him comfort and security to continue the journey.


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## Raindance

Don't worry about a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing' don't worry about a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Rise up this mornin'
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Saying', (this is my message to you)

Singing' don't worry 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing' don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Rise up this mornin'
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Sayin', this is my message to you

Singin' don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh
Every little thing gonna be alright, don't worry
Singin' don't worry about a thing, I won't worry
"'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Singin' don't worry about a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright, I won't worry
Singin', don't worry about a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singin' don't worry about a thing, oh no
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Thanks Mr. Marley, You are right, today is going to be a great day!

Regards


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## Neuk

Thanks @Raindance  

How is everyone doing?


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## craigb

I've got an interview lined up on Tuesday, what I've heard from the agency, sounds like it will be exactly what I do best  

The excitement has got me pretty amped and slightly manic. I find a moderate degree of mania of depression useful, it can give me drive, creativity, perspective and time for introspection. Just got to keep the emotions within reasonable bounds.

Reactions: Like 5


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## Stillwaters

Wishing you all the best for Tuesday @craigb. Little beats lifting a person than feeling they have a productive role to play

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ASCIIcat

@craigb Best of luck with your interview dude!

Reactions: Winner 1 | Thanks 1


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## Neuk

craigb said:


> I've got an interview lined up on Tuesday, what I've heard from the agency, sounds like it will be exactly what I do best
> 
> The excitement has got me pretty amped and slightly manic. I find a moderate degree of mania of depression useful, it can give me drive, creativity, perspective and time for introspection. Just got to keep the emotions within reasonable bounds.



Good luck for tomorrow bud

Reactions: Agree 1 | Thanks 1


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## Raindance

ASCIIcat said:


> @craigb Best of luck with your interview dude!





Neuk said:


> Good luck for tomorrow bud



I seldom know what to say in cases like this but I will add my support to the opinions raised above.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## craigb

Raindance said:


> I seldom know what to say in cases like this but I will add my support to the opinions raised above.


Much appreciated @Raindance. The old story holds true in this case... "it's the thought that counts"

Reactions: Like 1


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## Vaporeon13

Wow guys, I've just been sitting here for the last hour or so reading all the posts. Firstly, I'm surprised that guys can be open about these things in today's times.

I live in a household with morebmedicaion than a small town pharmacy. My wife and daughter, both diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder, as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (I always get confused when they start talking about BPD).

I've seen their struggles, my wife with 1 (possibly 2) attempts since I've known her, and 1 before I knew her. My daughter with numerous, we talking 5 or 6 attempts.

I was once that guy who would say "Just think positively, it will get better", or "You just doing this for attention". Ya, I know...not my proudest days. I've grown to understand it a bit better. I also have my own struggles with alcolism and addiction, and understanding that these things are a disease, not mindset or choice. I can't tell my mom "Just think positively, your diabetes will get better", or shout at my aunt to stop looking for her attention with her cancer.

I really have learnt alot, not ever enough, but enough to not be a douche when they have an episode.

My daughter has really had a tough time, diagnosed at 17, she's been to a clinic about 5 times in the last4 years. Its frustrating for me because she's been on so many different concoctions, I wouldn't know what next. As a young teen, she couldn't drink with her friends or stay out late because of the heavy meds she was on. At one point, she was on a combination of medication where 1 medication slowed down her metabolism and the other increased her appetite. Her condition was beening managed but the poor child then had to deal with her self-image because she gained 20kg.

Mental health needs to be talked about openly, so people who need the help don't feel stigmatised by their disease.

That's all I'll blabber about this morning. I must commend the bravery of some of the people who's posts I've read.

Reactions: Like 6 | Winner 1 | Can relate 1


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## Neuk

Vaporeon13 said:


> Wow guys, I've just been sitting here for the last hour or so reading all the posts. Firstly, I'm surprised that guys can be open about these things in today's times.
> 
> I live in a household with morebmedicaion than a small town pharmacy. My wife and daughter, both diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder, as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (I always get confused when they start talking about BPD).
> 
> I've seen their struggles, my wife with 1 (possibly 2) attempts since I've known her, and 1 before I knew her. My daughter with numerous, we talking 5 or 6 attempts.
> 
> I was once that guy who would say "Just think positively, it will get better", or "You just doing this for attention". Ya, I know...not my proudest days. I've grown to understand it a bit better. I also have my own struggles with alcolism and addiction, and understanding that these things are a disease, not mindset or choice. I can't tell my mom "Just think positively, your diabetes will get better", or shout at my aunt to stop looking for her attention with her cancer.
> 
> I really have learnt alot, not ever enough, but enough to not be a douche when they have an episode.
> 
> My daughter has really had a tough time, diagnosed at 17, she's been to a clinic about 5 times in the last4 years. Its frustrating for me because she's been on so many different concoctions, I wouldn't know what next. As a young teen, she couldn't drink with her friends or stay out late because of the heavy meds she was on. At one point, she was on a combination of medication where 1 medication slowed down her metabolism and the other increased her appetite. Her condition was beening managed but the poor child then had to deal with her self-image because she gained 20kg.
> 
> Mental health needs to be talked about openly, so people who need the help don't feel stigmatised by their disease.
> 
> That's all I'll blabber about this morning. I must commend the bravery of some of the people who's posts I've read.



Thanks for sharing, we all have our own unique stories and one aim of this thread as well as the WhatsApp group is to give everyone a chance to share, or at least hear about others stories and feel less alone in their battle.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Mahlie

So heartwarming to read these posts! 

I've been ons meds for 10yrs, and will be for the rest of my life. 

My father committed suicide in 2012, and this nearly broke me. But I'm still here, thanks to an amazing support structure. 

Fight on! You are not alone!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Reactions: Like 5 | Thanks 1


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## Raindance

Vaporeon13 said:


> Wow guys, I've just been sitting here for the last hour or so reading all the posts. Firstly, I'm surprised that guys can be open about these things in today's times.
> 
> I live in a household with morebmedicaion than a small town pharmacy. My wife and daughter, both diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder, as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (I always get confused when they start talking about BPD).
> 
> I've seen their struggles, my wife with 1 (possibly 2) attempts since I've known her, and 1 before I knew her. My daughter with numerous, we talking 5 or 6 attempts.
> 
> I was once that guy who would say "Just think positively, it will get better", or "You just doing this for attention". Ya, I know...not my proudest days. I've grown to understand it a bit better. I also have my own struggles with alcolism and addiction, and understanding that these things are a disease, not mindset or choice. I can't tell my mom "Just think positively, your diabetes will get better", or shout at my aunt to stop looking for her attention with her cancer.
> 
> I really have learnt alot, not ever enough, but enough to not be a douche when they have an episode.
> 
> My daughter has really had a tough time, diagnosed at 17, she's been to a clinic about 5 times in the last4 years. Its frustrating for me because she's been on so many different concoctions, I wouldn't know what next. As a young teen, she couldn't drink with her friends or stay out late because of the heavy meds she was on. At one point, she was on a combination of medication where 1 medication slowed down her metabolism and the other increased her appetite. Her condition was beening managed but the poor child then had to deal with her self-image because she gained 20kg.
> 
> Mental health needs to be talked about openly, so people who need the help don't feel stigmatised by their disease.
> 
> That's all I'll blabber about this morning. I must commend the bravery of some of the people who's posts I've read.





Mahlie said:


> So heartwarming to read these posts!
> 
> I've been ons meds for 10yrs, and will be for the rest of my life.
> 
> My father committed suicide in 2012, and this nearly broke me. But I'm still here, thanks to an amazing support structure.
> 
> Fight on! You are not alone!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I am whom I am.
I am what I am.
Why should I be ashamed of that.
At least through being honest to myself, about myself
I fear nor cast any judgement of others.

Damn, where did that come from?

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## Mahlie

Wow! 


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## Feliks Karp

Personally since I embraced absurdity, I'm way happier, decided to live my life in spite of the absurdity of existence.

Reactions: Winner 2


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## Viper_SA

Happy to report that I'm doing much better. Being more productive at least. Still battling anxiety, but the new psychiatrist seems seems to know her shit. Just get depro in the evenings because I'm lonely as ****. How can it be so freaking difficult to meet a girl!?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Eequinox

This was an eye opener for me and explains quite a bit what i have been going through


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Happy to report that I'm doing much better. Being more productive at least. Still battling anxiety, but the new psychiatrist seems seems to know her shit. Just get depro in the evenings because I'm lonely as ****. How can it be so freaking difficult to meet a girl!?



Going to sound wanky, but it's always more difficult when you actively are trying to meet one, go do some social events where there are groups of people involved and you may meet one. Stay away from dating sites, success stories are one in a million, I have one friend who has had a decent relationship from one, the main issue is that the array is so filled with people that many people can't actively commit to someone they meet on them because there is always the chance of a "better" match popping up, modern dating sucks big sweatty balls.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Feliks Karp said:


> Going to sound wanky, but it's always more difficult when you actively are trying to meet one, go do some social events where there are groups of people involved and you may meet one. Stay away from dating sites, success stories are one in a million, I have one friend who has had a decent relationship from one, the main issue is that the array is so filled with people that many people can't actively commit to someone they meet on them because there is always the chance of a "better" match popping up, modern dating sucks big sweatty balls.



Part of the problem is that I can't do social gatherings by myself. Just too damn shy.


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Part of the problem is that I can't do social gatherings by myself. Just too damn shy.



Not to sound patronizing but maybe work on that, I'm actually a fairly big introvert (I know many people who have met me on this forum won't believe that) but the last few years I've worked really hard on climbing out of my shell. If you are introverted use dating sites to work on your banter/small chat but really they are toxic as hell in my experience especially for introverted people for trying to find a viable relationship - I mean if you see someone for a while, and say deactivate your profile you look needy and over committed, don't delete it and you both wonder why you keeping your options open, it's a massive catch-22. I think at one point you mentioned that it was said you have mild signs of borderline, again this is a very bad mix for these types of sites, a lot of manufactured intimacy can arise. 

Work on your confidence, small-talk and you could always just chat to someone you bump in to on your day-to-day. It's the one lesson I wish I had learned earlier in my life, so many missed opportunities. Also as counter-productive and silly as it seems, I think a lot of people don't get the fact that people come with baggage, and that in an enriching relationship, you both slowly reveal the baggage and over come it together (since you both probably have it), so you have to make sure you have a solid base in yourself; you don't have to be perfect but you have to at least feel fairly secure/solid.

Reactions: Like 1


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## craigb

Feliks Karp said:


> I think a lot of people don't get the fact that people come with baggage, and that in an enriching relationship, you both slowly reveal the baggage and over come it together (since you both probably have it)


So true

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Linkin Park released this yesterday and it cuts right to the bone...



It made me think of everyone on here and in the WhatsApp group. How is everyone doing?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mahlie

Goosebumps. Thanks for the share. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Was this recorded before or after the lead singer croaked?


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## Neuk

Mahlie said:


> Goosebumps. Thanks for the share.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Pleasure  Very powerful words...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Was this recorded before or after the lead singer croaked?



Before, and sadly he never croaked like he should have, he took his own life leaving a wife, 6 kids, band members, friends, family and millions of fans behind.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

6 kids! I'd kill myself as well

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Feliks Karp

I deleted my facebook account a couple weeks back and I have never been happier, facebook is shit. If people want to share stuff with me they have my number, it's been a good exercise in seeing who actually enjoys communicating with me. I have a closer connection with some people now because they can't half-arse their relationship with me because of facebook. I also have been more or less refusing to text women I've been seeing too, some of them thought it was dodgy but for the most part dating has been way better than it's ever been because we have so much to talk about in person. Technology has certainly brought us together but also shortened the means to the end too.

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 2


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## Neuk

Feliks Karp said:


> I deleted my facebook account a couple weeks back and I have never been happier, facebook is shit. If people want to share stuff with me they have my number, it's been a good exercise in seeing who actually enjoys communicating with me. I have a closer connection with some people now because they can't half-arse their relationship with me because of facebook. I also have been more or less refusing to text women I've been seeing too, some of them thought it was dodgy but for the most part dating has been way better than it's ever been because we have so much to talk about in person. Technology has certainly brought us together but also shortened the means to the end too.



I hear you bud, I do think that social media has some benefits, but I largely stay away from it especially when it comes to sharing my private life.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Having one of those days. Couldn't get my alprazolam prescription filled in time before the weekend because the psychiatrist screwed around. Now I'm stuck in a panic attack mode. Yesterday was fine, but today is horrible. 3 psychiatrists in a year and I'm still not 100% convinced my diagnoses or medication is 100% right.

How is everyone else doing?


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## Mahlie

Viper_SA said:


> Having one of those days. Couldn't get my alprazolam prescription filled in time before the weekend because the psychiatrist screwed around. Now I'm stuck in a panic attack mode. Yesterday was fine, but today is horrible. 3 psychiatrists in a year and I'm still not 100% convinced my diagnoses or medication is 100% right.
> 
> How is everyone else doing?



What area do you stay in?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Viper_SA

Mahlie said:


> What area do you stay in?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I'm from Sasolburg. There's no burger like a sasolburger

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mahlie

Hahahaha! Awesome! Have you paid Melane van Zyl a visit? She’s at Vaalpark Hospital. A good friend, and my scond psychiatrist. She’s actually quite amazing. Sorted my meds out easily. I haven’t looked back. 


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## Mahlie

My dad used to say, there’s no hol like Sasol. 


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## Viper_SA

Mahlie said:


> Hahahaha! Awesome! Have you paid Melane van Zyl a visit? She’s at Vaalpark Hospital. A good friend, and my scond psychiatrist. She’s actually quite amazing. Sorted my meds out easily. I haven’t looked back.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Yup, seeing her currently. And I phoned for a prescription on Wednesday already, and still had nothing by Friday. Seriously doubting I'll go back to her after that service.


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## Mahlie

Her staff sometimes slip up. If you send an e-mail to her, they normally spark. Will see if I can find it for you. 


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Having one of those days. Couldn't get my alprazolam prescription filled in time before the weekend because the psychiatrist screwed around. Now I'm stuck in a panic attack mode. Yesterday was fine, but today is horrible. 3 psychiatrists in a year and I'm still not 100% convinced my diagnoses or medication is 100% right.
> 
> How is everyone else doing?


Hoping you are feeling a bit better today @Viper_SA.
Regards


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## Viper_SA

Raindance said:


> Hoping you are feeling a bit better today @Viper_SA.
> Regards



Well, not really. Was up past 4 this morning with a bad spell of insomnia. Also, my mom was admitted to hospital late yesterday afternoon with what her GP describes as severe eczema, but I'm fearing skin cancer. So it's up and down to and from hospital again for me.


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## Waine

"Embrace your own madness" ~ Dan Barker

I have a "mood disorder" for which I will be in medication for life. I have accepted this as part of me. I don't fight it. But I try not to let it affect my family, friends and my career. I seek regular professional council, and am blessed to be able to afford it.

I am also a big introvert. I could live at home under "house arrest" for ever. But I do have extroverted qualities. I can count my true friends on one hand. This forum is one of my only connections to the outside world. 

Reading some of the accounts of men discussing their mental illness (diplomatically) here is inspiring and heart warming. My thoughts are with those who are suffering with mental illness here on this site. Keep talking...It helps a lot.


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Reactions: Like 1 | Can relate 1


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Well, not really. Was up past 4 this morning with a bad spell of insomnia. Also, my mom was admitted to hospital late yesterday afternoon with what her GP describes as severe eczema, but I'm fearing skin cancer. So it's up and down to and from hospital again for me.


Just hang in there brother. Our thoughts are with you.

Regards

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Mahlie

This thread is probably one of my favourites on the forum. The support and discussions are amazing. 


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## Waine

Sometimes we don't want advice....We only want to be heard. Then understood, then accepted. 


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Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## Neuk

Waine said:


> Sometimes we don't want advice....We only want to be heard. Then understood, then accepted.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Which is exactly what this thread and the WhatsApp group are there for  None of us are professionals, medically anyway, and so sharing our experience for others to learn from is beneficial to both those sharing and those learning about others stories. For me, sharing my story has been liberating like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and being able to be more open with others, as well as seeing comfort in others when hearing of my story. I am glad to hear that others are finding this thread beneficial, long may it last...



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Reactions: Like 2


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Having one of those days. Couldn't get my alprazolam prescription filled in time before the weekend because the psychiatrist screwed around. Now I'm stuck in a panic attack mode. Yesterday was fine, but today is horrible. 3 psychiatrists in a year and I'm still not 100% convinced my diagnoses or medication is 100% right.
> 
> How is everyone else doing?



How are you doing bud?


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## Feliks Karp

I'm starting to believe that the average human being is incredibly emotionally stunted and seeing a therapist should be as mandatory as paying taxes.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Waine

Feliks Karp said:


> I'm starting to believe that the average human being is incredibly emotionally stunted and seeing a therapist should be as mandatory as paying taxes.



Hi there Felix Karl. Yes I agree, everyone in society needs a life coach these days. If you cannot find one, and you can afford it, see a good psychologist.


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## Viper_SA

Not to rain on this thread at all, but what I'm learning is that late at night, all alone with your thoughts and emotions, you stand alone I the darkness. Regardless of what anyone is telling you or what inspirational messages they send you. It's a demon only you can fight and must ultimately defeat alone. Luckily I've found something to fill the emptiness inside temporarily, even though it's probably not the healthiest or safest option. Just got tired of begging other people for acceptance and understanding.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Waine

Viper_SA said:


> Not to rain on this thread at all, but what I'm learning is that late at night, all alone with your thoughts and emotions, you stand alone I the darkness. Regardless of what anyone is telling you or what inspirational messages they send you. It's a demon only you can fight and must ultimately defeat alone. Luckily I've found something to fill the emptiness inside temporarily, even though it's probably not the healthiest or safest option. Just got tired of begging other people for acceptance and understanding.



@Viper_SA Some true words said there. "It's a demon only you can fight.....alone" rings very true. And we must fight, indeed, never losing hope.

I think society has gone a bit hectic, times are as volatile as never before. Why, even cellphones are making us ill... Yes, inspirational messages don't always cut it. But I have learned one thing, the smallest act of kindness, thoughtfulness, lending a sincere ear, and human connection can mean a lot in the lives of many. Even on a forum like this.

No sweat about raining in the thread 


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## Raindance

" Luckily I've found something to fill the emptiness inside temporarily, even though it's probably not the healthiest or safest option."

This has me worried. And I do not know how to react to it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Regardless of what anyone is telling you or what inspirational messages they send you. It's a demon only you can fight and must ultimately defeat alone.



Think of it more as you being the hero in your quest, your support structures; friends, family, strangers (and yes medication) are there to help you stay up when times get overwhelming and you need that push - which is why I absolutely implore any one who is on medication to also get a therapist - but yes *you *have to be the one who "slays the beast", think of everyone else as your fellowship or band of merry-men.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Waine said:


> Hi there Felix Karl. Yes I agree, everyone in society needs a life coach these days. If you cannot find one, and you can afford it, see a good psychologist.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I am not sure that I agree entirely but I do acknowledge the benefits of seeing a professional like a psychiatrist, life coach or mentor.


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Not to rain on this thread at all, but what I'm learning is that late at night, all alone with your thoughts and emotions, you stand alone I the darkness. Regardless of what anyone is telling you or what inspirational messages they send you. It's a demon only you can fight and must ultimately defeat alone. Luckily I've found something to fill the emptiness inside temporarily, even though it's probably not the healthiest or safest option. Just got tired of begging other people for acceptance and understanding.



No rain at all, I learnt this first hand when separating from my ex wife last year and then going through the divorce. I had all the help in the world from family, friends and my psychiatrist but there was a lot that I had to deal with and get through on my own. Sometimes I got my arse in gear, hit the gym, went to grab some coffee, went for a run, went to the shops, went for a run, etc. and sometimes I sat on the couch with sweets and chocolates balling my eyes out watching TV.


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## Viper_SA

I was born alone, I'll die alone. Doomed to walk in darkness for all my days, catching only glimpses of light, but never walking in the light.
Just when I think the might be light at the end of the tunnel, life throws me a curveball. I just can't t seem to win.


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## Waine

Viper_SA said:


> I was born alone, I'll die alone. Doomed to walk in darkness for all my days, catching only glimpses of light, but never walking in the light.
> Just when I think the might be light at the end of the tunnel, life throws me a curveball. I just can't t seem to win.



Hey there @Viper_SA

The truth is that everyone has problems and challenges in life. Everyone! No one is “doomed to walk in darkness”. You just feel this way. Like everything in your life is going wrong. These feelings are very normal in society. The trick is not to worry.

What follows is my mantra that I live by. I have this in my notes on my phone, and I read it daily for strength. It is a work in progress, but try it.

For once in my life I am applying this:

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength" ~ Leo Buscaglia

"Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow" ~ Swedish Proverb

Most of the things I worry about never happen.

I ask myself:

"How many of the things I feared would happen in my life did actually happen?"

Answer: "Very few. And the very few ones that actually happened were mostly not as PAINFUL or TERRIBLE as I had expected.

My worries are MOST OFTEN only "MONSTERS" I build in my OWN mind.

When in a situation that triggers worry ask:

"Honestly and realistically WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN TO me?

STOP GUESSING what is on SOMEONE ELSES mind. You are often wrong. 

ASK people what you WANT to ask.

When I cannot THINK STRAIGHT ...... say in my mind....

"No, no, we are not going to think about this now. I will think this issue through when I know my mind will work much better."

PEOPLE ARE NOT THINKING OF ME and what I do as much as I may think. They are too busy thinking of what OTHERS think of them. And what is CLOSEST TO THEIR HEARTS — Family, work, friends & pets.

Exercise. Get sunlight during the day at the office. Drink lots of purified water.

LET YOUR WORRY OUT INTO THE LIGHT

Talk about your BIG worry with someone close, or even not so close, but who you can trust.

VENT, let them listen....

Let the other person ground you and give a practical, useful perspective.

No one to talk to?

Journal! 

SPEND TIME IN THE PRESENT MOMENT 

Breathe! Become aware of your breathing.

SLOW DOWN

Do what you are doing, but slower. Move, talk, eat, ride......SLOWER. Then become AWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING AROUND ME.

DISRUPT AND RECONNECT 

WORRY.....Shout in head: STOP....re connect with present. Focus 100% on surroundings. Feel, see, smell, hear, sense it on skin. Bring your mind to the present.

REFOCUS ON SMALL STEP I CAN TAKE TO MOVE FORWARD 

"What is one small step I can take now to start improving the situation?

Focus on taking that small step forward, then another, then another....

And remember:

"Everything is OK, RIGHT NOW".

Not perfect, but OK — right now.









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## Raindance

@Viper_SA, Are you alright brother? Your silence after those words has me worried.


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> I was born alone, I'll die alone. Doomed to walk in darkness for all my days, catching only glimpses of light, but never walking in the light.
> Just when I think the might be light at the end of the tunnel, life throws me a curveball. I just can't t seem to win.



I only saw this now, is everything OK @Viper_SA?


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## Neuk

Waine said:


> Hey there @Viper_SA
> 
> The truth is that everyone has problems and challenges in life. Everyone! No one is “doomed to walk in darkness”. You just feel this way. Like everything in your life is going wrong. These feelings are very normal in society. The trick is not to worry.
> 
> What follows is my mantra that I live by. I have this in my notes on my phone, and I read it daily for strength. It is a work in progress, but try it.
> 
> For once in my life I am applying this:
> 
> "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength" ~ Leo Buscaglia
> 
> "Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow" ~ Swedish Proverb
> 
> Most of the things I worry about never happen.
> 
> I ask myself:
> 
> "How many of the things I feared would happen in my life did actually happen?"
> 
> Answer: "Very few. And the very few ones that actually happened were mostly not as PAINFUL or TERRIBLE as I had expected.
> 
> My worries are MOST OFTEN only "MONSTERS" I build in my OWN mind.
> 
> When in a situation that triggers worry ask:
> 
> "Honestly and realistically WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN TO me?
> 
> STOP GUESSING what is on SOMEONE ELSES mind. You are often wrong.
> 
> ASK people what you WANT to ask.
> 
> When I cannot THINK STRAIGHT ...... say in my mind....
> 
> "No, no, we are not going to think about this now. I will think this issue through when I know my mind will work much better."
> 
> PEOPLE ARE NOT THINKING OF ME and what I do as much as I may think. They are too busy thinking of what OTHERS think of them. And what is CLOSEST TO THEIR HEARTS — Family, work, friends & pets.
> 
> Exercise. Get sunlight during the day at the office. Drink lots of purified water.
> 
> LET YOUR WORRY OUT INTO THE LIGHT
> 
> Talk about your BIG worry with someone close, or even not so close, but who you can trust.
> 
> VENT, let them listen....
> 
> Let the other person ground you and give a practical, useful perspective.
> 
> No one to talk to?
> 
> Journal!
> 
> SPEND TIME IN THE PRESENT MOMENT
> 
> Breathe! Become aware of your breathing.
> 
> SLOW DOWN
> 
> Do what you are doing, but slower. Move, talk, eat, ride......SLOWER. Then become AWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING AROUND ME.
> 
> DISRUPT AND RECONNECT
> 
> WORRY.....Shout in head: STOP....re connect with present. Focus 100% on surroundings. Feel, see, smell, hear, sense it on skin. Bring your mind to the present.
> 
> REFOCUS ON SMALL STEP I CAN TAKE TO MOVE FORWARD
> 
> "What is one small step I can take now to start improving the situation?
> 
> Focus on taking that small step forward, then another, then another....
> 
> And remember:
> 
> "Everything is OK, RIGHT NOW".
> 
> Not perfect, but OK — right now.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Some great advice @Waine


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## Viper_SA

Yeah guys, still kicking. Just been very hectic lately. My mom is very ill and been in hospital the last two weeks. 1st they found out her eczema is some incurable virus, her face looks real bad. Now the virus, or a mild stroke, has her in a wheelchair. I've been hanging on for dear life and my colleagues are supporting me 100%. Had a slight scare myself last week, just passed out at work and no one could wake me up for like 10 minutes. Hopefully tomorrow CT scan will reveal whether it was a stroke or the work of the virus. Apparently some new new virus FROM Australia carried by rats and starts presenting as eczema or shingles.

Been battling my own emotions, because suddenly my ***** sister and her kids are all concerned after not giving a crap for over 2 years. The freaking prodigal daughter and her offspring.... Guess I'm just tired of being the good son.

Last night I did Crystal met for the first time, what a disappointment. Nowhere near as good as blow. But the girl was hot as hell, so that made up for the kak high.

Probably more than anyone wanted to know, but that what I've been up to. Screwing around and taking drugs. Life's too short to sit at home and watch series. Die with memories, not dreams. My new motto. Teasers has also gotten a considerable cash injection since I started getting up to my old tricks again. I never vape anymore and smoke like a chimney.

All in all, I've been worse, but thanks for the concern.

Reactions: Useful 1


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## Raindance

This past Friday, I attended the funeral of a friend of mine. He literally drank himself to death. Two years older than me he faced the same problem so many of us face. Loneliness. Its a bugger of note. 

We all deal with this in different ways, some with alcohol, some turn to the gym. It is a battle I also face day to day and despite having a grownup daughter living with me, I am worried what will happen the day she moves out. She spent the last four days at some music festival in Darling which brought this dilemma in sharp focus. An empty house sucks!

One thing I do know is that seeking a temporary false high to lessen the emptiness just magnifies it after it passes. Making the sinkhole only deeper.

I can not advise anyone what to do, but I can assure you drugs and alcohol are the things not to do. 

Just thought I'd leave this here... Regards

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## Feliks Karp

The problem with loneliness is that we often build a narrative around it - I am lonely because this happens or that doesn't happen. Although our feelings are valid and real, most often the narrative is not and we end up creating a reality which is self-feeding. People tend to start develop vulnerable narcissism as a survival mechanism. 

How many lonely people actively seek out other people? Go out there, engage, ask the cashier at the pick 'n pay how their day is going. I often find that when people feel lonely it's because they are in fact seeking out a mate, but how are you ever going to connect to a person intimately if you don't go try connect to people in general manner. 

Call up a friend (even one you've lost touch with) instead of texting, and ask them how they are, even if you don't have an amazing conversation and don't re-connect (if they're an estranged friend) it's all movement towards not losing your connection to humanity. 

Use the time you have to improve yourself; mindfulness, physical activity, diet, all these things help you to feel comfortable by yourself. We are social creatures and feeling connected to the world at large is important, but we need to centre ourselves and create a personality, I also often experience that people who feel deep seeded loneliness often have a wispy sense of self and try to validate through someone else, and the constant failure of doing so ends up further dissociating you from who you are. One of the things I've learned way too late is that it's ok to go do things on my own, I've met some decent people and had some fleeting non-committal interactions with others; but I went in to the world and was part of it. The world isn't coming to you, you have to go to it. 

Everyone deserves to be loved. That includes people besides yourself. 

As for the self-destructive behavior discussed in this thread, it's a slow death so to me that shows you still have some life in you, go see a cognitive therapist.

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## Raindance

Feliks Karp said:


> The problem with loneliness is that we often build a narrative around it - I am lonely because this happens or that doesn't happen. Although our feelings are valid and real, most often the narrative is not and we end up creating a reality which is self-feeding. People tend to start develop vulnerable narcissism as a survival mechanism.
> 
> How many lonely people actively seek out other people? Go out there, engage, ask the cashier at the pick 'n pay how their day is going. I often find that when people feel lonely it's because they are in fact seeking out a mate, but how are you ever going to connect to a person intimately if you don't go try connect to people in general manner.
> 
> Call up a friend (even one you've lost touch with) instead of texting, and ask them how they are, even if you don't have an amazing conversation and don't re-connect (if they're an estranged friend) it's all movement towards not losing your connection to humanity.
> 
> Use the time you have to improve yourself; mindfulness, physical activity, diet, all these things help you to feel comfortable by yourself. We are social creatures and feeling connected to the world at large is important, but we need to centre ourselves and create a personality, I also often experience that people who feel deep seeded loneliness often have a wispy sense of self and try to validate through someone else, and the constant failure of doing so ends up further dissociating you from who you are. One of the things I've learned way too late is that it's ok to go do things on my own, I've met some decent people and had some fleeting non-committal interactions with others; but I went in to the world and was part of it. The world isn't coming to you, you have to go to it.
> 
> Everyone deserves to be loved. That includes people besides yourself.
> 
> As for the self-destructive behavior discussed in this thread, it's a slow death so to me that shows you still have some life in you, go see a cognitive therapist.


Interesting and thought provocing perspective Mr. Karp. One worthy of some serious thought and introspection.

Thanks.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> One thing I do know is that seeking a temporary false high to lessen the emptiness just magnifies it after it passes. Making the sinkhole only deeper.
> 
> I can not advise anyone what to do, but I can assure you drugs and alcohol are the things not to do.



Thanks for sharing @Raindance  This would have been my advice to @Viper_SA, I have personally experienced this and seen a close friend go to hell and back due to substance abuse and the belief that it somehow helped him get through his troubles. In short, it didn't and will never...

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## Neuk

Feliks Karp said:


> The problem with loneliness is that we often build a narrative around it - I am lonely because this happens or that doesn't happen. Although our feelings are valid and real, most often the narrative is not and we end up creating a reality which is self-feeding. People tend to start develop vulnerable narcissism as a survival mechanism.
> 
> How many lonely people actively seek out other people? Go out there, engage, ask the cashier at the pick 'n pay how their day is going. I often find that when people feel lonely it's because they are in fact seeking out a mate, but how are you ever going to connect to a person intimately if you don't go try connect to people in general manner.
> 
> Call up a friend (even one you've lost touch with) instead of texting, and ask them how they are, even if you don't have an amazing conversation and don't re-connect (if they're an estranged friend) it's all movement towards not losing your connection to humanity.
> 
> Use the time you have to improve yourself; mindfulness, physical activity, diet, all these things help you to feel comfortable by yourself. We are social creatures and feeling connected to the world at large is important, but we need to centre ourselves and create a personality, I also often experience that people who feel deep seeded loneliness often have a wispy sense of self and try to validate through someone else, and the constant failure of doing so ends up further dissociating you from who you are. One of the things I've learned way too late is that it's ok to go do things on my own, I've met some decent people and had some fleeting non-committal interactions with others; but I went in to the world and was part of it. The world isn't coming to you, you have to go to it.
> 
> Everyone deserves to be loved. That includes people besides yourself.
> 
> As for the self-destructive behavior discussed in this thread, it's a slow death so to me that shows you still have some life in you, go see a cognitive therapist.



A great share @Feliks Karp  During my separation and eventual divorce from my ex wife, I found myself alone and lonely on many, many, many occasions. At times I just let things be as I needed to deal with my struggles in my own way but there were times I forced myself out of bed or off the couch to go training, go for a run, go meet someone for a coffee or a drink, to simply get out and be one with the world. I realised that I needed my alone time but that I needed social time even more, even if there was no direct contact with anyone.

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## Viper_SA

I hear what all of you are saying, for the time being I have just accepted that I'm broken, and just like a terminal patient I am allowed to feel like crap at times, and better at other times. I don't always have to be a ray of sunshine. I wish I could be, but I accept the fact that some days I just don't have the energy to get off the couch

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## Waine

When you feel like you are in hell, keep going. My thoughts are with you Viper.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> I hear what all of you are saying, for the time being I have just accepted that I'm broken, and just like a terminal patient I am allowed to feel like crap at times, and better at other times. I don't always have to be a ray of sunshine. I wish I could be, but I accept the fact that some days I just don't have the energy to get off the couch



You are 100% right that you don't always have to be a ray of sunshine but you are 100% wrong that you are broken

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## craigb

Been isolating myself, thankfully had the whatsapp group for support. 

Figure I was so annoying on the forums at one stage, I need to start getting back to being sociable, cos I missed that. Already feeling better from just a bit of effort. 

Once I'm back to work, you guys are gonna be sick of me again

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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> You are 100% right that you don't always have to be a ray of sunshine but you are 100% wrong that you are broken



If only you knew how broken I am. I'm really getting tired of struggling to cope and hurting everyone around me with all my mood swings and roller-coaster emotions. Something very small happened to me on Monday, a minor female rejection, and I've been feeling like crap ever since. Even though my brain says it would never have worked anyway, my emotions are so scared of never finding anyone that it clings to this fantasy I built around this person. I Reay don't know how much longer I can keep going. New doctors, new meds, new self help books, new friends, new routines, new hobbies and still this empty hole in my soul stays there. They only prayer I say at night is that I don't deserve to ask for anything because I'm a sinner, but to please be merciful and not let me wake up in the morning.


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## Waine

@ViperSA I don’t subscribe to any religion, doctrine or creed. But one thing I do, especially when desperate, I speak to God like a child sincerely speaks to a father. Keep praying simple honest prayers, more so, ask God to show you how to relate to Him, and to heal you, and you will be surprised.

Wow, I feel for you... Keep on rolling, the punches will stop and life will be brighter. 


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## Viper_SA

@Waine the worst punches are the ones we throw at ourselves.

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## Waine

True. So throw one less punch at a time. Let go and let God... Just believe in the power of your creator to help you. I have been there...and back... try to Hold on for one more day, Viper... 


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> If only you knew how broken I am. I'm really getting tired of struggling to cope and hurting everyone around me with all my mood swings and roller-coaster emotions. Something very small happened to me on Monday, a minor female rejection, and I've been feeling like crap ever since. Even though my brain says it would never have worked anyway, my emotions are so scared of never finding anyone that it clings to this fantasy I built around this person. I Reay don't know how much longer I can keep going. New doctors, new meds, new self help books, new friends, new routines, new hobbies and still this empty hole in my soul stays there. They only prayer I say at night is that I don't deserve to ask for anything because I'm a sinner, but to please be merciful and not let me wake up in the morning.



@Viper_SA - I really wish that there was something that I could say that would take you to the corner you need to turn. I can share my story, I can share my opinion, I can share some advice but this journey is yours and yours alone to make but know that you are not alone. We are all here to at least listen...

And remember...

"You are not alone , you are loved , you matter!"
"Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other..."

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## Viper_SA

Thanks for all the advice and messages guys. I do appreciate it, it just seems pointless to me at this stage. I feel like a bourdon to the people around me having to walk on eggshells all the time and I can feel myself slipping back to where I was a few months ago. I don't want to be there again, too damn scared to be alone in my own house. Things were just looking up, and then I take one wrong decision and it all goes to hell.


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## Viper_SA

Let me come clean. This may shock some of you, but I know a lot op people follow this thread and maybe someone will benefit from my mistakes. As you all know, my biggest issue is anxiety, depression, loneliness and not handling disappointments well at all. Well, during this year I got so lonely that I started visiting prostitutes. 1st one in January after being single and sexless for 5 years. I just couldn't bear it any longer that my ex was the last women I had sex with and she ruined my life. Stupid me fell in "love" and got conned out of a few grand eventually. But, I can cross an Indian woman off my bucket list at least. Then about 1.5 months ago I crossed off a Russian woman from my bucket list. She still WhatsApps me to ask how I'm doing and even enquired about my mom's health. A real gem. Then, last week, and subsequently 3 times in 4 days I saw the cutest Afrikaans girl that was visiting Vereeniging from Pretoria. Think I saw too much of her, and we shared so many stories and spent many hours together. Stupid me fell in love again, and now she's back in Pta and barely replying to messages and I actually feel broken hearted, disappointed and rejected. For the few hours you spend with a working girl for the girlfriend experience, it really raises your spirits, but the aftermath is never good. And if any of you thought vaping was expensive, try punting. I probably shouldn't have discussed this in public on an open forum, as it greatly reduces my chances of ever finding a girlfriend that is even remotely linked to this forum, but that is what I had to say.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Feliks Karp

craigb said:


> Been isolating myself, thankfully had the whatsapp group for support.
> 
> Figure I was so annoying on the forums at one stage, I need to start getting back to being sociable, cos I missed that. Already feeling better from just a bit of effort.
> 
> Once I'm back to work, you guys are gonna be sick of me again



Bud, annoying each other is why the ancient Egyptians invented the internet. Don't isolate yourself, you'll find that most people want to help or be there for you, even if it's just in a genial or chilled out way - lock yourself in an echo chamber and all you going to do is feed the narrative with your self-doubt.
If you feel the need to be alone, then use the net while you have access and learn something new or try something you always wanted to, sounds trite, but movement is always a good thing even if it's just movement of your mind.

Reactions: Like 2 | Thanks 1


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## craigb

Viper_SA said:


> Let me come clean. This may shock some of you, but I know a lot op people follow this thread and maybe someone will benefit from my mistakes. As you all know, my biggest issue is anxiety, depression, loneliness and not handling disappointments well at all. Well, during this year I got so lonely that I started visiting prostitutes. 1st one in January after being single and sexless for 5 years. I just couldn't bear it any longer that my ex was the last women I had sex with and she ruined my life. Stupid me fell in "love" and got conned out of a few grand eventually. But, I can cross an Indian woman off my bucket list at least. Then about 1.5 months ago I crossed off a Russian woman from my bucket list. She still WhatsApps me to ask how I'm doing and even enquired about my mom's health. A real gem. Then, last week, and subsequently 3 times in 4 days I saw the cutest Afrikaans girl that was visiting Vereeniging from Pretoria. Think I saw too much of her, and we shared so many stories and spent many hours together. Stupid me fell in love again, and now she's back in Pta and barely replying to messages and I actually feel broken hearted, disappointed and rejected. For the few hours you spend with a working girl for the girlfriend experience, it really raises your spirits, but the aftermath is never good. And if any of you thought vaping was expensive, try punting. I probably shouldn't have discussed this in public on an open forum, as it greatly reduces my chances of ever finding a girlfriend that is even remotely linked to this forum, but that is what I had to say.


I'm going to try parse this through my own perspective and experience... 

Your brain is messing with your head. It's confusing lust with love, high with happy. Your brain can, in part, be contemplated as an entity completely separate to the rest of your consciousness and persona. There is a malicious part of it (its in my head too) that is intent on pushing dark clouds over the rest of your perception. 

Transactional entertainment (girls, narcotics, other forms of retail therapy) may have a justified place in your world, but don't get attached to it. It is by definition transient. Some people will judge your actions. Let them. Ignore them. Don't judge yourself too harshly either. If it genuinely makes you feel better about yourself, so be it. If it doesn't, then ask why you are doing it to yourself if you don't like it. Why are you punishing yourself. If you do enjoy it, just please be safe and responsible about it. Be aware that you are participating in high risk behavior. 

You have both directly and indirectly said one of your main problems is loneliness. I can't really provide guidance in that regard, but do consider that if we cannot be our own best friend, how can we expect others to be companionable? (wow, that sounds so cheesey, I retched a little, doesn't make it less true though) 

In terms of the depression and anxiety, I cannot suggest more than what you are already doing, trying to find a medical professional to assist. These are unfortunately probably biological and/or some form of psychological wiring that need medicinal and therapeutic assistance to resolve. Unfortunately what works for one is not guaranteed to work for another and you've been burned a few times in this. I can only suggest you keep pushing, keep trying. 

I just want to emphasize, the transactional entertainment may help you through a rough patch, but it is only a temporary relief. Those girls, drugs and other recreations are only "yours" for as long as you have paid for. If they can get you through a tough spot and _safely_ out the other side, then great. But please don't expect them to be permanent, thats not what they offer. Easier to expect a fish to climb a tree. 

As an aside, I've heard that doing volunteer work can be rewarding. I honestly don't know if that's something that would work for you, but maybe it's something to consider. Gives the feel good feeling of helping others, broadens your social network. But it's not for everyone, so if it doesn't speak to you, that's fine. 

And allow yourself to make mistakes. Acknowledge them, learn from them and try move on. It's always easier to say than do, and some mistakes are so much fun, one can't help but repeat them a couple of times. Realize you are not perfect. You never will be. No one is nor will anyone ever be. No one expects you to be perfect. 

That fact that you are speaking publicly about it means a lot. It means you have hope. It means you want a good future. You deserve to have hope, to have a future. It may not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or even next month. We can see it though, and when you (and your own mind) allows you to, you will see it too. 

Ignore all this if you want, it's all amateur pop psychology anyway, easy to say, but so much of what I've typed, I struggle to adhere to. If it was easy, success would not taste so good, would it? 

Wear sunscreen.

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 5


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## craigb

Feliks Karp said:


> Bud, annoying each other is why the ancient Egyptians invented the internet. Don't isolate yourself, you'll find that most people want to help or be there for you, even if it's just in a genial or chilled out way - lock yourself in an echo chamber and all you going to do is feed the narrative with your self-doubt.
> If you feel the need to be alone, then use the net while you have access and learn something new or try something you always wanted to, sounds trite, but movement is always a good thing even if it's just movement of your mind.



I thought it was the Babylonians that invented the net, I'm sure I saw an Abraham Lincoln quote online to that effect? 

A stalled mind is a sad sight indeed. 

People rarely give the help you want, but once you have enough distance between then and now, you realize they gave you the help you needed. And all it takes is opening your metaphorical pie hole.


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## craigb

Feliks Karp said:


> Bud, annoying each other is why the ancient Egyptians invented the internet. Don't isolate yourself, you'll find that most people want to help or be there for you, even if it's just in a genial or chilled out way - lock yourself in an echo chamber and all you going to do is feed the narrative with your self-doubt.
> If you feel the need to be alone, then use the net while you have access and learn something new or try something you always wanted to, sounds trite, but movement is always a good thing even if it's just movement of your mind.


And another thing (as a kid, I used to hate when my old man pulled this line out) 

Personally the last 3 months have been the lowest of my 37 years on this rock. I have accepted that regardless of whether my mental illness contributed or not, I have to carry the full burden of the consequences of my actions. 

I am currently faced with a multitude of problems, each of which is potentially disastrous to myself and my family. 

All I can do is identify the problems I can work on. Went for an interview this morning and sold the hell out of it. When they make me an offer and I accept it,the unemployment problem moves to the 'solved' column and then I will be able and equipped to deal with the next set of issues. That next set of issues, while despairingly horrible, are out of my reach until I get a job, so while I still stress and lose sleep over them, I know there is f-all I can do about them, so I'm better off directing my energy to those things I can do something about and hope that there will be a tomorrow to fix the rest. Up until now, tomorrow has arrived. 

What's the problen(s) you actually CAN do something about. Break each issue down to its basic parts and fix one tiny little thing this week. Next week fix another tiny problem. Maybe the week or month after that, you'll fix 5 things. Then 20. Then 100. This time next year you might look back and suddenly realize , "fark, I can't believe where I was then compared to now."

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1


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## Raindance

@Viper_SA, All the above is true, and I will not add much to it. I just want to say that it is your willingness to talk that gave me the courage to speak here as well. You are a much stronger and better person than you give yourself credit for.

We have all done "stupid" things at the lowest points in our lives, but that was needed. Nothing happens without a reason. Its done, its in the past, and its no body else's business.

Just also want to thank @Feliks Karp for his advice above, upon reflection i noted that i was slowly becoming more and more reclusive. These things sneak up on us while we are not looking. A big thank you for the heads up!

Regards

Reactions: Agree 1 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

Watching the original Friday the 13th movies and really wishing someone was here to laugh at them with me. Actually asked out a girl at the liqueur store today, she had already started writing her number down, then she asked how old I am. Well, I can't lie, so I said 40. She's 19, and stopped writing. Said she'll think about it and maybe give me her number next time I come in. Still a win for me though, I got 12 cold beers and proved I could do it to myself. Like a buddy of mine always says, "as jy nie traai sal jy nie naai nie" 
Excuse my French. Other than that, I have a motherfucker of a panic attack looming since around d 18:00 and it just won't pass. Going back to the psychiatrist next week and maybe get a referral from her for a good shrink. If I have money for hookers I suppose I have money to spend on my mental health too.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Viper_SA

I'm losing it...


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## craigb

Viper_SA said:


> I'm losing it...


What's up bud. What's slipping away?


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## Viper_SA

craigb said:


> What's up bud. What's slipping away?



My sanity and the will to live


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## Viper_SA

Thanks for all the PM's I have received. I will answer all of them, just not today. I simply don't feel up to it and still need to clear my mind a little after 16 hours of sleep. I appreciate the concern, help offered and words of encouragement from the bottom of my heart people.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Viper_SA

Not sure what to call it, abandonment issues? Whenever I chat to someone and they say call me back in 10 minutes, and the something comes up and I can't reach them, I get depressed and anxious. Liked they don't want to talk to me anymore or something bad might have happened to them. Maybe someone can she'd some light on this for me. Where would something like this come from?


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Not sure what to call it, abandonment issues? Whenever I chat to someone and they say call me back in 10 minutes, and the something comes up and I can't reach them, I get depressed and anxious. Liked they don't want to talk to me anymore or something bad might have happened to them. Maybe someone can she'd some light on this for me. Where would something like this come from?



Off the cuff, and in my unprofessional opinion, your posts suggest Borderline Personality Disorder. Which is why I suggested a cognitive therapist.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

What exactly does cognitive entail?


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> What exactly does cognitive entail?


Cognitive therapy basically helps to address inaccurate thoughts and actions. Such as when you say you fall "in love" with someone easily, obviously what you feel is real, but cognitive therapy can help you to see that it's just say happiness not actual love, or maybe that you are trying hard to form a connection with some one so you're objectifying them. Say you feel this joy of a new exciting someone you can slow yourself down before going over that edge in to investing so much in to them before anything has actually developed. It helps to interrupt distorted perceptions before you can have the emotional response. I know a couple people who have full BPD and one of them has benefited greatly from cognitive therapy, the other refuses any kind of help and is a train wreck. 

Just a disclaimer, I am not trained or licensed, I'm simply saying from reading your posts you seem to display BPD traits. The idolization, the fear of rejection, self-harm, the anxiety, substance abuse, the roller coaster emotions, are all very telling, but this is just text online, so don't take it as gospel.

Reactions: Like 2 | Thanks 1 | Informative 1


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Liked they don't want to talk to me anymore or something bad might have happened to them.



Do you find it hard to mentally picture someone's face unless they msg you back or interact with you in some way? That is also a fairly common occurrence in BPD that isn't often spoken about or shown in movies because it isn't dramatic. This can often lead to the idea that the person has abandoned you or them being hurt because you think of them existing only in the sense of their interacting with you.

In any event, I feel as though you reaching out in this thread shows that you aren't ready to expire just yet, if you are still totally against medication I would once again suggest you go in to therapy,but I would suggest investigating both. You're a talented photographer and don't appear to be a 'bad' person, it really would be a waste to have to continue down this endless loop you are in.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## PuffingCrow

I would just like to say mental illness should be viewed like having a cold or the flu it is not deadly if treated and it is nothing to be ashamed of or being dicremenated against, my big advise that i would give someone suffering from the effects is to try to view it as only that flu or a cold everything will be ok and you (or family/friends) need to seek the help and medication that can releave these simptoms. It is by no means an easy task but keep this in mind what you are experiencing is not real, it is an inbalance of chemicals in your brain and can be rectified. 

I pray that you find peace of mind as soon as possible.


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## Viper_SA

I am currently on bipolar meds, but questioning my diagnoses a little. What I have read myself also points to BPD more than bipolar. Thanks for all the support guys.


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> I am currently on bipolar meds, but questioning my diagnoses a little. What I have read myself also points to BPD more than bipolar. Thanks for all the support guys.



You can have both, BPD sometimes overlaps with mood disorders, please don't stop taking your medication until you've spoken to/seen a professional. The main thing now is to stop any drug/alcohol use, stop engaging in attempts at relationships and seek out a professional as you said in an earlier post. Keep us up to date man.


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## Viper_SA

Hmmm, but I do so enjoy my Corona. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next Thursday, earliest one I could get. And I have a date this weekend.... Well more like dinner with a friend. But I'm trying to not make it into more than it is. It's a complicated enough situation.


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## Viper_SA

Good Lord! R1k and hour for a shrink! Wtf! My medical aid pays them from savings, so that means two consultations and my medical aid is gone!


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## Feliks Karp

That's crazy that it comes off your savings. What med-aid are you with?


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## Waine

My psychologist charges R940 for 50 minutes. My Psychiatrist charges R1150 for 45 minutes. These are both within medical aid rates. My medicine cost? I won’t even go there.

Thank goodness for my medical aid, comparatively speaking, they are fantastic! Very blessed. Both these professionals keep me a fully functioning human being in society and in my job. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Viper_SA

Feliks Karp said:


> That's crazy that it comes off your savings. What med-aid are you with?



Fedhealth


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## Viper_SA

And here we go again. Came home fine, and actually drove out to quickly have the car washed and came home and made a bite to eat. Then suddenly, Bam! I can't breathe, my mind is racing, thinking of a million things at once. Almost like my ears are super sensitive right now and when I think of the few dishes and things I need to do I want to run for the hills.


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## gatecrasherza1

I cannot talk about personal experience but my wife has severe depression and 2 years ago attempted to commit suicide 4 times in one year. I went through it all scared to go to work and leave her at home, scared to go home because you not sure she is still alive. However you still need to work because you need to earn an income. I do have a better understanding around what actually takes place when a person is depressed, it is a illness the same as flu etc. Her circumstances were bought on by child abuse, sexual abuse and suicide in the family. Really bad combo. Recently her psychiatrist and me forced her to go see a phychologist first session and she wants to end it all. It is not the easiest to go through but I have a the respect for the person who is actually suffering from this. People is so quick to judge but without understand the hardness and effort it takes to stand up and act normal. Just my 2 cents but this group have giving me insite and support even thou this is my first post.

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."

Reactions: Like 2


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## Viper_SA

Viper_SA said:


> Watching the original Friday the 13th movies and really wishing someone was here to laugh at them with me. Actually asked out a girl at the liqueur store today, she had already started writing her number down, then she asked how old I am. Well, I can't lie, so I said 40. She's 19, and stopped writing. Said she'll think about it and maybe give me her number next time I come in. Still a win for me though, I got 12 cold beers and proved I could do it to myself. Like a buddy of mine always says, "as jy nie traai sal jy nie naai nie"
> Excuse my French. Other than that, I have a motherfucker of a panic attack looming since around d 18:00 and it just won't pass. Going back to the psychiatrist next week and maybe get a referral from her for a good shrink. If I have money for hookers I suppose I have money to spend on my mental health too.



So.... Went past the liqueur store again today and guess what? She pretended not to even recognise me 
Anyway, who needs it, right? Her loss, not mine.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA




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## Viper_SA




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## Viper_SA

And then someone who's supposed to love me goes and tells me I'm convincing myself that I'm crazy! Just because the pollop I'm my colon started to bleed again and I jokingly asked why 8 can't just have thing wrong with me, isn't my suffering with my crazy head enough amusement for God. Sure I'm bitter and pissed off today a bit, but ****, to reply via WhatsApp that I'm convincing myself I'm crazy is like telling me "it's all in your head, walk it off". Like what the ****, oh, you have a brain tumor, walk it off. And then you get the "I'd rather not even mention the alcohol with the pills because I don't want to irritate you more" guilt trip. **** this shit man. I'm done. No more ******* trying to explain to people how I feel. It's my own fault for believing something is wrong. I just ******* hope they remember those words when they find my cold ******* dead body one day.


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## Viper_SA

Tranquillisers, anti-psychotics, lithium and shit load of Corona does help. All I need now is a line or two.


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## QKNatasha

Can anyone perhaps tell me what happens the first time you go see a psychiatrist? 
What exactly makes them different from a psychologist in regards with diagnosis and prognosis etc?


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## Viper_SA

QKNatasha said:


> Can anyone perhaps tell me what happens the first time you go see a psychiatrist?
> What exactly makes them different from a psychologist in regards with diagnosis and prognosis etc?



They can prescribe pills that help **** all


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## Feliks Karp

QKNatasha said:


> Can anyone perhaps tell me what happens the first time you go see a psychiatrist?
> What exactly makes them different from a psychologist in regards with diagnosis and prognosis etc?



A psychiatrist is medically trained and can diagnose you with a mental disorder, psychologists are there to provide on going therapy which may take a different approach from tehrapist to therapist depending on the school of thought in which they are trained, each one has its benefits. Psychologists cannot really determine what disorder you have as such but can make educated assumptions and refer you to a psychiatrist if you have not already been to one, psychiatrist being a doctor can prescribe medication in conjunction with their diagnoses. Some psychiatrists offer basic counseling but most of the time it's best to treat a disorder with both so that you take full advantage of a proper counseling session. Some people do not have an ongoing disorder and need therapy sessions to simply help deal with some smaller ongoing issues in their lives.

@Viper_SA You are mixing your medication with drugs and alcohol two extremely discouraged practices (with good reason), I honestly suggest that when you do eventually visit a psychiatrist you ask to be booked in as in-patient. From the behavior described in your posts I think you would benefit greatly from some observation in an environment that can regulate your behavior for a time so that you can fully get in a position for recovery.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Viper_SA

Feliks Karp said:


> @Viper_SA You are mixing your medication with drugs and alcohol two extremely discouraged practices (with good reason), I honestly suggest that when you do eventually visit a psychiatrist you ask to be booked in as in-patient. From the behavior described in your posts I think you would benefit greatly from some observation in an environment that can regulate your behavior for a time so that you can fully get in a position for recovery.



I'm coping the only way I know how at the moment. In-patient is not an option, I'll be jobless when I get back. I almost got passed over for promotion for being unstable and attempting to commit suicide 6 years ago. Too many people are watching me at work. So I have to always be alert end pretend everything is fine. Excuse me for venting here where I thought there was no judgement.


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## Viper_SA

And as a certain person said last night, "you're convincing yourself your crazy". Sure, it's all just in my head and I'll just think myself happy and healthy. Ill just buy a bigger bottle and bottle it all up inside and show no one the real me. The Who - Behind blue eyes comes to mind. Cheers.


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## AniDey

Take a deep breath, @Viper_SA 
Felix wasn't judging you. He was making a suggestion. Probably because he is worried about you, as am I.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Feliks Karp

@Viper_SA I am sorry that I have upset you, but it's a well-known fact that both alcohol and drugs exacerbate mental disorders as well as impair the positive effects of medication (especially medication that is psychoactive). I've seen the effects of self-medicating with substance abuse first hand in a friend and some family members who have disorders - which is why I post in this thread, because I've seen the frustration of feeling isolated and adrift.

Anyone who has posted in this thread knows that these issues people face are in fact not "all-in-your-head", you are however making your situation worse, and all I meant is that in my opinion you are in need of a stable environment in which you can be given care and help to get back on the right track. I would look in what the labour laws allow for mental health because several of my friends have been given leave for in-patient care without hassle due to being upfront and honest about their situations, maybe by chance some one here knows the exact regulations?

In any event, as I said before you don't come across as a "bad guy" and obviously are a passionate person so I hope you manage to find some help.


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## Viper_SA

Feliks Karp said:


> @Viper_SA I am sorry that I have upset you, but it's a well-known fact that both alcohol and drugs exacerbate mental disorders as well as impair the positive effects of medication (especially medication that is psychoactive). I've seen the effects of self-medicating with substance abuse first hand in a friend and some family members who have disorders - which is why I post in this thread, because I've seen the frustration of feeling isolated and adrift.
> 
> Anyone who has posted in this thread knows that these issues people face are in fact not "all-in-your-head", you are however making your situation worse, and all I meant is that in my opinion you are in need of a stable environment in which you can be given care and help to get back on the right track. I would look in what the labour laws allow for mental health because several of my friends have been given leave for in-patient care without hassle due to being upfront and honest about their situations, maybe by chance some one here knows the exact regulations?
> 
> In any event, as I said before you don't come across as a "bad guy" and obviously are a passionate person so I hope you manage to find some help.



How exactly am I making my situation worse?


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## Lawrence A

@Viper_SA I am not sure if your medical aid works them same - I am on Discovery - but we applied for sessions with the psychologist for our daughter as we had exhausted our savings, and they approved 8 visits for the year, which they will pay for. It may be worth looking into?

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Viper_SA

Lawrence A said:


> @Viper_SA I am not sure if your medical aid works them same - I am on Discovery - but we applied for sessions with the psychologist for our daughter as we had exhausted our savings, and they approved 8 visits for the year, which they will pay for. It may be worth looking into?



Phoned them today, and if the psychologist writes a motivation they may pay from PMB benefits if approved.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Raindance

Part of healing or should I rather say gaining control is to recognise those behaviours that keep the cycle going. One does not always want to admit or recognise them but at some point they need to be dealt with.

My own issues start as being hyper critcal and having a synical perspective on just about everything. This rolls over into becomming withdrawn and the two then evolve into what i can only call severe negativity. Before I know it I'm in that hole. It was hard at first to admit to myself that at times I behave like and @hole but I had to accept the truth before I could remedy the situation.

I spend the first 30 minutes of each day in honest reflection of myself and my behaviour both past and future. My friends know i appreciate it when they tell me I'm behaving like an @hole again, because i may not want to hear it but sometimes i need to. By recognising my triggers, I have managed to stay clear of any majour episodes for more than a decade and a half now.

I do not know if one can ever call oneself cured from depression, but managing it and keeping it at bay can surely be achieved. For me the key is being honest with myself about myself based in reality and not what my ego wants me to believe.

It may not be the same for everyone but identifying and then avoiding the destructive behaviours that set the wheels rolling works for me. One may not be in charge of your emotions but you can decide how you are going to respond to them. Feel them. Recognise/admit to having them. Decide how, or if, to respond to them. Do not just react.

Ok, speech over. I'm being way to open about myself here.

Regards

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 2


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## Viper_SA

I wish had less intense emotions. It's always all or nothing. And I expect other to share the depth of my emotions.

Reactions: Can relate 1


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> I wish had less intense emotions. It's always all or nothing. And I expect other to share the depth of my emotions.


I can relate to what you say. You mention many similar emotions to my own in prevous posts above. When in someones or agroups presence i sense their emotions and attitudes as well. I learned that poeple with this talent/curse are caled empaths. Others would just call us overly sensitive.

It is therefore all the more important to learn to deal with emotions in a way that one controls them and not the other way round.strangely enough, sometimes just admitting to myself that I feel sad or allone puts that feeling to rest. Its the weirdest thing ever...

Regards

Reactions: Like 1


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## Raindance

Maybe life in its human form is evolving towards a spiritual form and we are merely its troubled and confused adolescent stage.


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## Viper_SA

Or I'm just an impatient ass hole who wants exactly what he wants, when he wants it and for it to be perfect.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Can relate 1


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Or I'm just an impatient ass hole who wants exactly what he wants, when he wants it and for it to be perfect.


We should get T-shirts and a clubhouse! Lol!


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## Viper_SA

I just hope my date doesn't cancel for this weekend. That would put me back in a big dark hole. Alternatively, it could turn out great and put me on top of the world for a while.


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> I just hope my date doesn't cancel for this weekend. That would put me back in a big dark hole. Alternatively, it could turn out great and put me on top of the world for a while.


Why?


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## Viper_SA

Exactly what I said above. If she tells me tonight or tomorrow she can't make it, I won't know how to deal with the disappointment. I am horrible with disappointments.


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## QKNatasha

Feliks Karp said:


> A psychiatrist is medically trained and can diagnose you with a mental disorder, psychologists are there to provide on going therapy which may take a different approach from tehrapist to therapist depending on the school of thought in which they are trained, each one has its benefits. Psychologists cannot really determine what disorder you have as such but can make educated assumptions and refer you to a psychiatrist if you have not already been to one, psychiatrist being a doctor can prescribe medication in conjunction with their diagnoses. Some psychiatrists offer basic counseling but most of the time it's best to treat a disorder with both so that you take full advantage of a proper counseling session. Some people do not have an ongoing disorder and need therapy sessions to simply help deal with some smaller ongoing issues in their lives.
> 
> @Viper_SA You are mixing your medication with drugs and alcohol two extremely discouraged practices (with good reason), I honestly suggest that when you do eventually visit a psychiatrist you ask to be booked in as in-patient. From the behavior described in your posts I think you would benefit greatly from some observation in an environment that can regulate your behavior for a time so that you can fully get in a position for recovery.


Ok. So I've already been diagnosed with severe depression and Anxiety disorder. 
My GP has referred me to a psychiatrist. 

I need to know what to expect. I can't function if I don't know what is going to happen in my first consultation. 

Is there any specific way that he makes diagnosis? Am I going to be judged by everything I say?


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Exactly what I said above. If she tells me tonight or tomorrow she can't make it, I won't know how to deal with the disappointment. I am horrible with disappointments.



Sure, feeling disappointment would be natural. Thing is, and then? Is hurting yourself by holding on to that disappointment going to make you less disappointed?


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## Viper_SA

Nope, I suppose not, but I know I be cripplingly depro and spend the weekend crying about it most likely.


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## Mahlie

@QKNatasha
He will ask you for your history and specific symptoms. He will not judge. His aim is to ensure that you are on the right meds for you. 

There is no one size fits all. So meds will have to be revised and adapted. Make sure to go back for follow up appointments. And be honest. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Winner 1


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Nope, I suppose not, but I know I be cripplingly depro and spend the weekend crying about it most likely.


And you know that will achieve absolutely ZERO right?


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## Viper_SA

I do, but that's me....


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> I do, but that's me....


Nope, those are your emotions. You have the choice on how to respond.

I believe these things are put in our path to prompt us to grow. Your emotions are sensory messages as are taste and smell. the flower you smell is not you, the food you taste is not you, the emotions you feel are not you. You observe them. You are the conciseness experiencing the sensations of your body and your mind. The real you is merely an observer with the power to decide how to react. You are being prompted to get to know the spirit which is the real you.

Reflect on the above...

Regards

Reactions: Winner 2


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## Feliks Karp

QKNatasha said:


> Ok. So I've already been diagnosed with severe depression and Anxiety disorder.
> My GP has referred me to a psychiatrist.
> 
> I need to know what to expect. I can't function if I don't know what is going to happen in my first consultation.
> 
> Is there any specific way that he makes diagnosis? Am I going to be judged by everything I say?



As stated above me, no, they will not judge you, they will ask you questions about how you are presently, as well as past events (anything that is relevant), family history etc they may give you a questionnaire to fill in (these are standardized), in order to start building a model of what is going on with you. From there as also said previously they *may* give you medication, the dosages and type may change over time as they fine tune the model of your disorder - some people only need medication temporarily and some people just need therapy, it all depends on the person.

It's good that your GP referred you, there are a lot of GP's who simply prescribe psychiatric medications without sending people to specialists.

Also already said above me, the one thing to keep in mind is honesty, always be honest with your psychiatrist even if the medication makes you feel uncomfortable tell them exactly how you are feeling, they can only help you if you are honest.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. There goes my weekend. Got a date cancellation at 3am this morning via WhatsApp. Today my usual mask can't even hide my depro from my colleagues. **** Corona, tonight it's klip drift 20yo coffee Black Gold. Drown my sorrows. I had such a good feeling about this weekend and it just went to hell in a handbasket. Not even in the mood for my usual Friday breakfast work with the guys. I just want to curl up in a dark place and be left alone.


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## Viper_SA

Today I'm just pissed off and in the mood to pick a fight and bash someone's head in to get rid of my frustrations.


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## Viper_SA

I recommend Klip drift XO Black Gold as a painkiller to anyone


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## Neuk

Wow  So much going on in here which is good to see! I am slowly catching up on things after a really busy week last week...

How are you doing @Viper_SA? How is everyone else doing?


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## Viper_SA

Hey @neu, I'm dead on my feet. A weekend of heavy drinking and no eating took its toll on my body. Seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday. Think I'm going to ask for a full new assessment. She's been working off a 2009 diagnoses of another psychiatrist. Also going to try to get her to pull some strings to get me in to see the psychologist she work with earlier than end of November. I've given myself till 45, 5 years from now. If by then life still sucks, I'm ending it. Enough is enough.


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## Viper_SA

Why is it so easy for woman to give one the silent treatment? God I hate it. Rather tell me your sorry, or I'm a **** and I should go to hell. This undecided silent treatment cracks me up. Especially when they don't block you and still read your WhatsApps but just don't reply or answer their phones.


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## Viper_SA

Don't have time for a detailed report, but I just wanted to thank each and every one who helped me trough my darkest days. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I am doing better this weekend and doing a lot of introspective thinking. An awesome woman I saw Friday evening spent hours chatting to me and I swear she could be a psychologist. I have a better understanding of why I do certain things. Also, since Thursday I've been on 300mg Vendor and a new anti psychotic and my lithium has been cut. My shakes are gone and although a bit edgy, no sign of the usual Sunday panic. First sunday in weeks I can be rational. I appreciate this platform and each and everyone on it. @Feliks Karp, sorry for being snappy at you in an earlier post and some of the dark and negative posts I made.
May you all have blessed Sunday.

Reactions: Like 6 | Winner 3


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## Viper_SA



Reactions: Like 1


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## Feliks Karp

Viper_SA said:


> Don't have time for a detailed report, but I just wanted to thank each and every one who helped me trough my darkest days. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I am doing better this weekend and doing a lot of introspective thinking. An awesome woman I saw Friday evening spent hours chatting to me and I swear she could be a psychologist. I have a better understanding of why I do certain things. Also, since Thursday I've been on 300mg Vendor and a new anti psychotic and my lithium has been cut. My shakes are gone and although a bit edgy, no sign of the usual Sunday panic. First sunday in weeks I can be rational. I appreciate this platform and each and everyone on it. @Feliks Karp, sorry for being snappy at you in an earlier post and some of the dark and negative posts I made.
> May you all have blessed Sunday.



Thank you for the apology, but I honestly didn't take it personally, I think every one has those times where they are snippy even to people that are trying to help, because they feel so helpless/frustrated. Glad to hear you are having a better weekend. Step-by-step man, keep it up.

Reactions: Like 3 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

So, something awesome just happened. If it all pans out I will post on Sunday, but I think my faith in humanity has just been restored. It's a long story, and I don't want to put the cart before the horses, so watch this space on Sunday for the great reveal. Sometimes taking the high road can be beneficial it seems.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Slick

Give us a hint @Viper_SA


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## Viper_SA

Slick said:


> Give us a hint @Viper_SA



My lips are sealed. For once, lol.


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## Slick

Viper_SA said:


> My lips are sealed. For once, lol.


Okay I totally understand,good luck and wel be waiting for Sunday


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## Viper_SA

Viper_SA said:


> So, something awesome just happened. If it all pans out I will post on Sunday, but I think my faith in humanity has just been restored. It's a long story, and I don't want to put the cart before the horses, so watch this space on Sunday for the great reveal. Sometimes taking the high road can be beneficial it seems.



Sorry guys, no feedback on this. Just more false promises from people that can't be trusted. Would like to explain, but I simply don't have the energy. Weekend went well though, spent a lot of hours in the garden catching up on weeks of neglect. Then suddenly at 15:00 this afternoon the black dog visited and I'm down for the count. Anyone else here on Venlor antidepressants? I'm on 300mg since a week or two ago. Was going very well until this afternoon. Was just sitting with my earphones on, pretending to work, and Bam!


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## Neuk

It has been too long, this is just a check in, how is everyone?


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## Viper_SA

After thinking we were on the right track with my meds, I've been extra depressed all week and an hour ago a massive panic attack hit me out of nowhere. Still bad as hell. My eyes won't focus, my ears are ringing, heart palpatations and feels like I have an elephant on my chest. Is it really worth living a life like this.


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> After thinking we were on the right track with my meds, I've been extra depressed all week and an hour ago a massive panic attack hit me out of nowhere. Still bad as hell. My eyes won't focus, my ears are ringing, heart palpatations and feels like I have an elephant on my chest. Is it really worth living a life like this.



It is worth living bud  Hang in there, keep fighting, keep working, keep getting better, keep finding peace through the dark you will find the light! It won’t be today, probably not tomorrow or the day after but it is in front of you...


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Reactions: Like 1


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> After thinking we were on the right track with my meds, I've been extra depressed all week and an hour ago a massive panic attack hit me out of nowhere. Still bad as hell. My eyes won't focus, my ears are ringing, heart palpatations and feels like I have an elephant on my chest. Is it really worth living a life like this.


Hey, sorry to hear that brother. There is little one can do when these feelings come along other than wait it out with the knowledge that this too will pass. Wish I had more to give than words.

Regards

Reactions: Like 1


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## Feliks Karp

Worth outside of economics (and even then it's dubious at times) is so subjective, the only advice I can offer is to live in spite of tragedy, disappointment and hardship. Personally the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that death may be well worse than living no matter how bad the days seem, better the devil I know I guess. I decided to keep going, do the things that do bring me joy and out live the rest.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Feliks Karp

Old shakespeare summed it up pretty well in Hamlet, although it's debated in it's overall meaning, I find solace in these parts:

_"
and the thousand natural shocks
that Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation
devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep,
To sleep, perchance to Dream; aye, there's the rub,
for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must give us pause. There's the respect
that makes Calamity of so long life:
...
to grunt and sweat under a weary life,
but that the dread of something after death,
the undiscovered country, from whose bourn
no traveller returns, puzzles the will,
and makes us rather bear those ills we have,
than fly to others that we know not of.

"_

Reactions: Winner 2


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## Raindance

Just checking in to see how everybody is doing? I see nobody has been here for a while, hope that is a good sign.

Regards

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

I just stopped sharing after realising that my darkness is like a blanket keeping me warm and my burdens are mine to carry alone

Reactions: Like 3


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## RainstormZA

And in scuba diving, it means Ok.

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## Neuk

I hope everyone is well? It has been too long, I forget to check up on here and have turned off just about all my social media notifications, so I am not reminded to...

I have had an up and down start to the year with a lot of stress affecting me due to work, family and personal life so my aim has been to try and manage it as best I can. Some days I win and some days I lose but I am keeping one, one day at a time...

Reactions: Winner 1


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## BATMAN

Ive been slacking on the forum lately..Too busy at work,started gyming again after work as well as spending the remainder of my time with the wife and kids...

Life is busy!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

It's pretty freeing once you stop caring whether you life or die. Not exactly the "kiss of death" as done in Asia, but this is how we roll in the Freestate with Rinkhals.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> It's pretty freeing once you stop caring whether you life or die. Not exactly the "kiss of death" as done in Asia, but this is how we roll in the Freestate with Rinkhals.
> 
> View attachment 126278
> View attachment 126279


Well, one thing is for certain, there are two pieces of your anatomy which are waaay bigger than mine!

Regards

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Neuk

Glad to see you are alive and kissin' @Viper_SA

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

I don't frequent this forum that much anymore, how is everyone doing?


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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> I don't frequent this forum that much anymore, how is everyone doing?



Going much better since I've made peace with the fact that no one will ever get me as well as the fact that the people around me need medication and counselling, not me

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Going much better since I've made peace with the fact that no one will ever get me as well as the fact that the people around me need medication and counselling, not me



Good to hear @Viper_SA  And it is so true, we all believe in some way or another, that we are the only ones experiencing the problems we have and that everyone else is handling life a lot better than we are but it is simply not true at all. We all have our own issues and problems to deal with, however big or small...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Neuk

I read this last night while wide awake, trying to fall asleep after an anxiety/panic attack, the last paragraph in Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts...

_"For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and then the other. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel. 
Add our little consequence to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. 
Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day. With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, 
ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. We live on."_

Reactions: Winner 1


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## Raindance

Neuk said:


> I read this last night while wide awake, trying to fall asleep after an anxiety/panic attack, the last paragraph in Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts...
> 
> _"For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and then the other. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel.
> Add our little consequence to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night.
> Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day. With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure,
> ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. We live on."_


@Neuk, a truly epic book from which I have learned so much. This last paragraph..... Breathtaking.

Regards


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## Viper_SA

Was doing so well on my new meds, started doing stuff again and got excited about stuff again, then came a major breakdown at work which forced me to work a week of mixed shifts, ranging from 2 12 hour night shifts 2 eight hour shifts from 2pm to 11pm, and back to another 6 12 hour night shifts. Bam! Crazy is back. Just can't seem to find the place I was before that shuffle. Back to procrastinating and being hyper crytical of everything, and the last two days basically just wishing for death so the racing thoughts would just subside. Extra lonely again as well, and I was just getting used to being by myself again and being content with it. Atleast the new psychiatrist and I are on the same page. I'm not that much bipolar but have more markers towards borderline personality disorder, although the treatments are much the same. I need to find a good shrink I can see after hours though, and money to pay for it because my medical aid is already depleted. I also think I might have some ADD or ADHD markers. It's like my mind is thinking of a million things at once and can't concentrate on one thing alone. All in all its been a k@k weekend. How's everyone else doing?


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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Was doing so well on my new meds, started doing stuff again and got excited about stuff again, then came a major breakdown at work which forced me to work a week of mixed shifts, ranging from 2 12 hour night shifts 2 eight hour shifts from 2pm to 11pm, and back to another 6 12 hour night shifts. Bam! Crazy is back. Just can't seem to find the place I was before that shuffle. Back to procrastinating and being hyper crytical of everything, and the last two days basically just wishing for death so the racing thoughts would just subside. Extra lonely again as well, and I was just getting used to being by myself again and being content with it. Atleast the new psychiatrist and I are on the same page. I'm not that much bipolar but have more markers towards borderline personality disorder, although the treatments are much the same. I need to find a good shrink I can see after hours though, and money to pay for it because my medical aid is already depleted. I also think I might have some ADD or ADHD markers. It's like my mind is thinking of a million things at once and can't concentrate on one thing alone. All in all its been a k@k weekend. How's everyone else doing?


Sad to hear @Viper_SA. Then also, seeing that this was caused by an abnormal situation, I think you can look forward to returning to the previous good space once your routine returns to normal. Just focus on that prospect.

Holding thumbs.

Regards


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## Viper_SA

Struggling today, both with the stinkies and mentally. Busy setting up my snake racks, and although I know I won't finish it all in one day, my mind and heart is racing, jumping to everything else I have to do and making me anxious as hell. Think I might have some add or adhd as well, really struggling to focus on only one thing and accepting I can't do everything at once. Anyone understand what I'm saying?


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## acorn

I have tried to answer your post three times over, each time deleting it. All I can say is: Acceptance is key: Accept the fact that you will get as far as you can, accept your shortcommings, BUT always try to improve by setting simple targets, first go for 50%, then try to improve on it. Gratitude is next, be gratefull for the time granted you to spend time on having a hobby, gratefull for what you have, gratefull for the resources to sustain your hobby. If neccesarry take time out, put up a favourite album (Pink Floyd/ Roger Waters for me) Take a few puffs on your favourite juice ( You had some wonderfull Tobacco recipes?) Regain momentum and push forward. We all struggle, as long as we struggle forward (although it seems backwards at times) My thoughts is with you and I hope that the words I spoke/ written might grant some serenity and comfort, Good luck and be Blessed.

Sent from my E5633 using Tapatalk

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## Rob Fisher

I can't even begin to give advice because I have never felt like that... all I can say is everytime you post I wish there was something I could say to help. But suffice to say we do care!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Thanks 1 | Can relate 1


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## acorn

I feel their eyes all over me
It's lookin' like conspiracy
I'm out of friends that I can trust
Maybe they're on to us
My heart is filled with suspicion
I've got a fearful condition
Its more than just paranoia
Maybe they're on to us
Maybe they're on to us

You're not the only one
To sleep through the firing squad
To scream through the night at God
Wake in a pouring sweat, you hear the sound
Can't even turn around
Hand reaching from the ground
Who's gonna save us
Who's gonna save us now

I'm looking up in the rear view
Crowds that I can't seem to push through
Strangers and operations
Maybe they're on to us
My hands are shakin' like a leaf
Can't even see in front of me
I know its just paranoia
Maybe they're on to us
Maybe they're on to us

You're not the only one
To sleep…



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## Viper_SA

Rob Fisher said:


> I can't even begin to give advice because I have never felt like that... all I can say is everytime you post I wish there was something I could say to help. But suffice to say we do care!



Thanks @acorn and @Rob Fisher, really appreciate the kind words. Drilled air holes in 48 tubs, put some substrate in to dry out and did some laundry. Kept busy, just wish my mind would switch off. I've now run out of dryish substrate, so the next batch needs to dry out in the garage a bit for a few days, so I opened a beer, gave myself an atta boy and threw on earphones. I did however make progress with my social phobia and attended a berpetological meeting IN Benoni last night and plan on joining up. Every 2nd Friday of the month I'll be attending meetings then and learning even more about snakes. Also, I have vowed to attend Vapecon this year. Its time to meet some of the great folk who have supported me through my journey, both vape wise and mentally.

Reactions: Like 4 | Winner 2


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## acorn

Another one that boost me up....

Open your eyes don't be this way
Though all your dreams are swept away
The stairs will rise from yesterday
Your tears and fears all melt away

The waters will rush but don't dismay
Our smiles will cross the world will stay
The bridge has crossed itself today
Now close your eyes and sway the sway, sway the sway



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## Rob Fisher

Viper_SA said:


> Also, I have vowed to attend Vapecon this year. Its time to meet some of the great folk who have supported me through my journey, both vape wise and mentally.



100% @Viper_SA that would be awesome!

And btw I also work with snakes... Baby Choos brings me at least a snake a week and they are always alive... normally they are grey/black and very common... yesterday I got a green one and this one was very aggressive and scary! It tried to climb up my snake handling device (more commonly known as my braai tongs) and gave me quite a SKRIK! But it was released unharmed into the gorge.

Reactions: Winner 1 | Funny 2


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## acorn

Rob Fisher said:


> 100% @Viper_SA that would be awesome!
> 
> And btw I also work with snakes... Baby Choos brings me at least a snake a week and they are always alive... normally they are grey/black and very common... yesterday I got a green one and this one was very aggressive and scary! It tried to climb up my snake handling device (more commonly known as my braai tongs) and gave me quite a SKRIK! But it was released unharmed into the gorge.


Possibly this? 
https://highwaymail.co.za/235498/snake-tales-durbans-most-common-snake-the-spotted-bush-snake/

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## Rob Fisher

acorn said:


> Possibly this?
> https://highwaymail.co.za/235498/snake-tales-durbans-most-common-snake-the-spotted-bush-snake/



Nope... didn't have the black on it... was only green and its eyes were not as big. I should have taken pics but it was in no mood to pose for pics after Baby Choo had hauled it all the way to me to see it.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

Rob Fisher said:


> 100% @Viper_SA that would be awesome!
> 
> And btw I also work with snakes... Baby Choos brings me at least a snake a week and they are always alive... normally they are grey/black and very common... yesterday I got a green one and this one was very aggressive and scary! It tried to climb up my snake handling device (more commonly known as my braai tongs) and gave me quite a SKRIK! But it was released unharmed into the gorge.



If you send some pics I could try and identify them for you, unless you already know which species they are. Far as I know the only dangerous green snake in your area would be green mambas, my absolute favorite snake looks wise, but being a Freestate boytjie I love Rinkhals for their attitude. Wish I found more snakes in the wild. I'll upload some pics one day to the photography thread of the stuff I keep. No venomous in the house though. Too risky with my mental issues, lol. The greyish ones sound like Herald snakes, and the green could be a spotted Bush snake or aurora house snake.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Moerse Rooikat

Viper_SA said:


> Struggling today, both with the stinkies and mentally. Busy setting up my snake racks, and although I know I won't finish it all in one day, my mind and heart is racing, jumping to everything else I have to do and making me anxious as hell. Think I might have some add or adhd as well, really struggling to focus on only one thing and accepting I can't do everything at once. Anyone understand what I'm saying?


life is what happens when you are planing on what to do next. i had to learn how to life and not plan to life 
when i lost my sister a cupple years back i was redye to give up let go . i came to cape town to help her. she was cone and soon my reason to be was gone. i friend ones gave me a card that said never give up long before this happened, i never know what it meant till that time and still every day i have to be still and picture that card in my head. 
this is what gets me up wen i cant do it myself
and a song always helps aswell

Reactions: Like 4


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## Viper_SA




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## Rob Fisher

Viper_SA said:


> If you send some pics I could try and identify them for you, unless you already know which species they are. Far as I know the only dangerous green snake in your area would be green mambas, my absolute favorite snake looks wise, but being a Freestate boytjie I love Rinkhals for their attitude. Wish I found more snakes in the wild. I'll upload some pics one day to the photography thread of the stuff I keep. No venomous in the house though. Too risky with my mental issues, lol. The greyish ones sound like Herald snakes, and the green could be a spotted Bush snake or aurora house snake.



Just had a look at some pics and I would guess it was a Green Water Snake or a Natal Green Snake.


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## Andre

Viper_SA said:


> Struggling today, both with the stinkies and mentally. Busy setting up my snake racks, and although I know I won't finish it all in one day, my mind and heart is racing, jumping to everything else I have to do and making me anxious as hell. Think I might have some add or adhd as well, really struggling to focus on only one thing and accepting I can't do everything at once. Anyone understand what I'm saying?





Rob Fisher said:


> I can't even begin to give advice because I have never felt like that... all I can say is everytime you post I wish there was something I could say to help. But suffice to say we do care!


Yip, I also tried a few unpublished versions, but @Rob Fisher has "articulated" it perfectly.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Carnival

Viper_SA said:


> Struggling today, both with the stinkies and mentally. Busy setting up my snake racks, and although I know I won't finish it all in one day, my mind and heart is racing, jumping to everything else I have to do and making me anxious as hell. Think I might have some add or adhd as well, really struggling to focus on only one thing and accepting I can't do everything at once. Anyone understand what I'm saying?



Okay.. *takes a deep breath*

I can relate to the anxiety part. 

I have both general and social anxiety.

I know it makes no sense/sounds silly (even to me!) but socializing with people I don’t know sends my anxiety through the roof. Why? That’s a really great question, because even I can’t answer it. Brief interactions are fine, but anything more makes things really hard for me. I hate it, I absolutely hate it (my anxiety) mostly because I show physical signs where my hands start to shake. So if I get asked the “are you okay?” question, I smile and use the excuse of “oh it’s just low blood sugar” which is all I can think of to say that might explain my shaky hands to others (who are probably thinking up worse reasons). It’s incredibly embarrassing. 

So yeah that’s me. That’s why (as much as I really do want to) I haven’t tried to meet anyone here or go to Vapecon. Wouldn’t even be able to vape with my shaky hands. I feel like an alien.

Reactions: Like 2 | Can relate 3


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## Hooked

Carnival said:


> Okay.. *takes a deep breath*
> 
> I can relate to the anxiety part.
> 
> I have both general and social anxiety.
> 
> I know it makes no sense/sounds silly (even to me!) but socializing with people I don’t know sends my anxiety through the roof. Why? That’s a really great question, because even I can’t answer it. Brief interactions are fine, but anything more makes things really hard for me. I hate it, I absolutely hate it (my anxiety) mostly because I show physical signs where my hands start to shake. So if I get asked the “are you okay?” question, I smile and use the excuse of “oh it’s just low blood sugar” which is all I can think of to say that might explain my shaky hands to others (who are probably thinking up worse reasons). It’s incredibly embarrassing.
> 
> So yeah that’s me. That’s why (as much as I really do want to) I haven’t tried to meet anyone here or go to Vapecon. Wouldn’t even be able to vape with my shaky hands. I feel like an alien.



Sorry to hear that @Carnival. Social situations must be really awful for you.


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## Carnival

Hooked said:


> Sorry to hear that @Carnival. Social situations must be really awful for you.



I could handle it despite all the anxious feelings, I WANT to socialize, but the shaky hands problem is what stops me and the reason I mostly avoid socializing all together. Ahh well, we’re all dealt with our own problems in life. What I do enjoy is making jokes about it, because if you don’t laugh you’ll surely cry! So here’s a couple funnies, especially for those who can relate:

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## craigb

Hey guys

Just a reminder ,this thread has its own little whatsapp group. It's a safe place to just express your problems talk to others that are also experiencing issues and sometimes just have a good laugh.

There is no need to suffer alone, sometimes just knowing there is a group of people ready to listen and offer words of comfort can help... I know this because it helped me immensely at my lowest. 

This group may or may not be of use to you, but please feel free to get in touch if you would like to be added. @Neuk is the group admin, so if you would like to be added contact him, or feel free to message me and I'll pass your details on to him as he doesn't get a chance to check in here as often as he would like to.

Reactions: Like 3 | Thanks 1


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## Raindance

This forum has helped me a lot in making headway in subduing my "social awkwardness". Think it taught me I am not alone in this, my flaws are no worse than the next persons and it is ok to do the "wrong" thing from time to time. Some say we judge ourselves as we judge others... I learned to be far less judgmental of others and myself. Nobody is perfect, and that is just perfect.

Regards

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 2


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## Neuk

Morning all

I hope that everyone is doing well today?

I am not on this forum much these days, after stopping vaping, for a myriad of reasons but I am glad to see that it is still going, users are still sharing and we even have a new member in the WhatsApp group. Thanks to @craigb for the reminder, I encourage anyone to use this thread and the WhatsApp group as much as they need to, even if it is just to read others stories and realise that they are not alone. It would be great to hear your stories but I know that for some, just reading others stories is as far as they want to go...

@Viper_SA - Despite you having a bit of a setback, it sounds like you are in a far better place than you have been before  Please continue reaching out to us, friends, therapists, etc. as we are all here for you on your journey.

@Carnival - I can relate 100%, social situations with strangers push my anxiety levels up, to the point where I have to force myself not to avoid them. And I would encourage you to not avoid them, social interaction is very important for us for so many reasons. Welcome to the WhatsApp group as well!

@Moerse Rooikat - Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear about your sister, I am sure she is very proud of you!

@Raindance - I am so glad to hear that this thread has helped in some way, we all need help from time to time and we are all here to help and be helped.

As for me, I am unfortunately suffering from a lot of insomnia and anxiety at the moment, mainly due to house renovations that my girlfriend and I are busy with but I know it is a process I need to get through, learn from and look back on something that we achieved. I try my best to look after myself, especially when my anxiety flares up, so healthy eating, exercise, good sleep, sunlight, social interaction and not keeping everything in all the time. We do our best...

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## Viper_SA

So, just an update. Been much better this past week. Was able to stay up later and build and wick and general pitstop stuff. Didn't get much else done in the housekeeping department, but atleast I functioned. Hanging out in Jh today, so I'm out and about and not sulking at home

Reactions: Like 3 | Winner 3


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## AniDey

Thought of you this week, @Viper_SA 
We had a guest at the lodge.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

How is everyone doing here? Hope you've all found a little light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still battling my anxiety, and a touch of depression, but not debilitating anymore. Met an awesome girl who understands my condition and she's been really great about talking me through some tough spots. Thanks to her I have seen I can function, even when I struggle.

Reactions: Like 8 | Winner 3


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## Rob Fisher

Viper_SA said:


> How is everyone doing here? Hope you've all found a little light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still battling my anxiety, and a touch of depression, but not debilitating anymore. Met an awesome girl who understands my condition and she's been really great about talking me through some tough spots. Thanks to her I have seen I can function, even when I struggle.



Well, that's great to see some positive and happy news in this thread!

Reactions: Like 2


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## Carnival

Viper_SA said:


> How is everyone doing here? Hope you've all found a little light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still battling my anxiety, and a touch of depression, but not debilitating anymore. Met an awesome girl who understands my condition and she's been really great about talking me through some tough spots. Thanks to her I have seen I can function, even when I struggle.

Reactions: Like 1 | Optimistic 1


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## Neuk

Thanks for the update @Viper_SA  It is great to hear that you are more positive, it definitely helps having someone in your life that understands what you are going through and can be there for you.

How is everyone else doing?


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## Viper_SA

Hi all,

I just have to share this. For the 1st time since 2016 I went through a whole weekend without feeling like there is no hope. I had an awesome Saturday with a very special someone, and enjoyed a good comedy movie and some homemade dinner (she cooked ) and yesterday we went to Muldersdrift where I attended a reptile photography course. (I'll share some pics in the photography thread once I've downloaded and sorted them). Had a little social anxiety with all the new people around, but I managed okay. Super doper weekend all in all.

Reactions: Like 4 | Winner 9


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## Stosta

Viper_SA said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I just have to share this. For the 1st time since 2016 I went through a whole weekend without feeling like there is no hope. I had an awesome Saturday with a very special someone, and enjoyed a good comedy movie and some homemade dinner (she cooked ) and yesterday we went to Muldersdrift where I attended a reptile photography course. (I'll share some pics in the photography thread once I've downloaded and sorted them). Had a little social anxiety with all the new people around, but I managed okay. Super doper weekend all in all.
> 
> View attachment 137298


Excellent to hear @Viper_SA !

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Rob Fisher

Outbloodystanding @Viper_SA!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Carnival

@Viper_SA it was so great seeing you do what you love! Best weekend..

Reactions: Like 2


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## Silver

Great to hear and see @Viper_SA !

Reactions: Like 1


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## Andre

Awesome stuff @Viper_SA! Be sure to visit Koringberg when you come down to the Cape for the honeymoon. No reptiles though.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Viper_SA

Andre said:


> Awesome stuff @Viper_SA! Be sure to visit Koringberg when you come down to the Cape for the honeymoon. No reptiles though.



@Andre that is just so damn funny. No such plans as yet, but we may pop in for a vape meet on a road trip sometime

Reactions: Like 3


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## Rob Fisher

Viper_SA said:


> @Andre that is just so damn funny. No such plans as yet, but we may pop in for a vape meet on a road trip sometime



@Viper_SA you need to go to VapeCon and same rules apply to VapeCOn as with Koringberg!

Reactions: Like 3


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## Viper_SA

Rob Fisher said:


> @Viper_SA you need to go to VapeCon and same rules apply to VapeCOn as with Koringberg!



Roger that uncle, no reptiles

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 1 | Funny 1


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## Neuk

Thanks for the great update @Viper_SA  How is everyone else doing?

Between work, house renovations, caring for my sick girlfriend and trying to manage my own insomnia and anxiety, I am feeling quite drained at the moment  There is a lot to look forward to though, especially with the new house, we are on the final stretch with moving day being just short of mid August.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Neuk

Check in time, how is everyone doing?


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## Raindance

Neuk said:


> Check in time, how is everyone doing?


Trudging. 

"To Trudge: the slow weary depressing yet determined walk of a man (or woman) who has nothing left in his (or her) life except the impulse to simply soldier on." (Chaucer, "A Knight's Tale")

The gloom of winter brings out the drama queen in me, it's not really all that bad. Summer's on its way, all I need to do is take the next step, and then the next, and so on.

Regards

Reactions: Like 2


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## Waine

It amazing how my vaping hobby plus the added bonus of nicotine, helps to distract from the stress of the 21st century. 

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk


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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> Trudging.
> 
> "To Trudge: the slow weary depressing yet determined walk of a man (or woman) who has nothing left in his (or her) life except the impulse to simply soldier on." (Chaucer, "A Knight's Tale")
> 
> The gloom of winter brings out the drama queen in me, it's not really all that bad. Summer's on its way, all I need to do is take the next step, and then the next, and so on.
> 
> Regards



Thanks for checking in @Raindance  We all trudge at times, for whatever reason, but at times that is all we need to do. It reminds me of the poem If by Rudyard Kipling which has the lines...


If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone, 
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

Keep trudging, if that is all you can give at the moment, moving is more important than standing still.

Reactions: Like 1 | Optimistic 1


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## Neuk

Waine said:


> It amazing how my vaping hobby plus the added bonus of nicotine, helps to distract from the stress of the 21st century.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk



I stopped vaping a little while back without too much fuss but I do really miss it when I am stressed  It was always great to step out the office or flat in to the open for a breather and a vape.


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## craigb

Neuk said:


> Keep trudging, if that is all you can give at the moment, moving is more important than standing still.


One step after another.
One second to the next becomes one minute to another.
This evolves to hours flowing into each other.
Eventually, you are able to take it one day at a time.
Days become months and then, well, I don't actually know for sure yet, I've built myself up from living second to second almost a year ago to month by month at the moment.

I'll sign off with my favourite Afrikaans word. It has so many wonderful layers of meaning when used in this context.

Sterkte.

Reactions: Like 4


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## Neuk

craigb said:


> One step after another.
> One second to the next becomes one minute to another.
> This evolves to hours flowing into each other.
> Eventually, you are able to take it one day at a time.
> Days become months and then, well, I don't actually know for sure yet, I've built myself up from living second to second almost a year ago to month by month at the moment.
> 
> I'll sign off with my favourite Afrikaans word. It has so many wonderful layers of meaning when used in this context.
> 
> Sterkte.



That is a great way of putting it @craigb  Sterkte!


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## Carnival

Neuk said:


> Check in time, how is everyone doing?



Doing well these days. Still have some things like the anxiety to sort out, but I'm hopeful I can get to a better place with it. Seeing the doc on 23rd. 

I have my special someone in my life, and I couldn't ask for more. I am a happy woman!

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 2


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## Neuk

Carnival said:


> Doing well these days. Still have some things like the anxiety to sort out, but I'm hopeful I can get to a better place with it. Seeing the doc on 23rd.
> 
> I have my special someone in my life, and I couldn't ask for more. I am a happy woman!



That is great to hear @Carnival  Thanks for the update, good luck with the anxiety and the doctors appointment. Enjoy your time with your special someone!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Hi all

I hope that everyone is doing well?

It has been a rough few works, with work ramping up at our house that we are renovating, including some setbacks and issues which are to be expected but frustrating none the less. I have never done any minor or major work anywhere I have lived so it has been a massive eye opener and learning experience for me, which I have sometimes handled just fine and at other times have freaked out completely! Work continues though and we have put a peg in the ground for mid August to move in...

The roughest part over the last few weeks though, has been helping my girlfriend get through some medical and mental issues, the bulk of which were caused by a medical drug called Lupron. Some may have heard of it, it is commonly used for women suffering from endometriosis and for men undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, it's side affects include hot flashes, sweating, acne, rash, itching, scaly skin; mood changes, headache, general pain, etc. She has unfortunately had just about all these symptons with a few bouts of severe depression. A suggestion for anyone who is recommended it, do your research and discuss it fully with your doctor, we didn't so a lot of what happened was largely unexpected.

Anyway, we are off to the bush for nearly a week, which will let us relax a bit!

Reactions: Like 4


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## Raindance

Neuk said:


> Hi all
> 
> I hope that everyone is doing well?
> 
> It has been a rough few works, with work ramping up at our house that we are renovating, including some setbacks and issues which are to be expected but frustrating none the less. I have never done any minor or major work anywhere I have lived so it has been a massive eye opener and learning experience for me, which I have sometimes handled just fine and at other times have freaked out completely! Work continues though and we have put a peg in the ground for mid August to move in...
> 
> The roughest part over the last few weeks though, has been helping my girlfriend get through some medical and mental issues, the bulk of which were caused by a medical drug called Lupron. Some may have heard of it, it is commonly used for women suffering from endometriosis and for men undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, it's side affects include hot flashes, sweating, acne, rash, itching, scaly skin; mood changes, headache, general pain, etc. She has unfortunately had just about all these symptons with a few bouts of severe depression. A suggestion for anyone who is recommended it, do your research and discuss it fully with your doctor, we didn't so a lot of what happened was largely unexpected.
> 
> Anyway, we are off to the bush for nearly a week, which will let us relax a bit!


Enjoy the break and come back with a refreshed perspective. Renovations, both large and small are hectic. I find that freaking out just improves your contractors quality of work. LOL.

Regards

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Viper_SA

Having a particularly kak day with anxiety today. I have a million things I want to do, but can't seem to just pick one task and focus on that task. My mind is running around in circles and my body just wants to go to sleep. Thank God though for my new girlfriend and all her patience and support. Really does help. I just feel a bit like I'm overloading her with my issues and maybe not supporting her as I should. Waiting on the doctor to get back to me with arrangements for a new script. Apparently I have quite a few markers for add/adhd that she wants to put me on a trial period for.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Braki

Well since there is a forum to talk... lets talk.

Short version: Was diagnosed with bad depression in 2010. Was on a hand full of pills for a few years and one day I decided I had enough and changed my whole way of living. Everything went well from 2015 to this year. Married the love of my live last year October and he has been very supportive in everything going on with me. We moved to Saldanha from Jo'burg in December. Everything went well and then February the depression came creeping back. I am working from home. Not seeing people every day. Used to work in a very busy financial office. I have contact with them every day as I still work remotely for them.

But not having friends around or people to talk to every day got to me. The fact that we are limited to things available to us here is also a factor. If you want something you have to order and pay extra due to courier charges. Family is in Cape Town, but thats an hour 45 mins drive. I went to the doctor in April and got some happy pills and something for the anxiety. But during this time various things flared up. I dont have a will to eat. My T1 diabetes is wonky. Struggle with high sugar levels. I found out a month ago I have a frozen shoulder. Suffering with headaches. Being in pain constantly is not fun.

I have lost the urge to do anything. I get up in the morning and think I really need to do this today. Sit infront of the laptop and then I do nothing. Wait for 12:00 and get in bed and sleep till 15:00. Wait for hubby to get home eat dinner watch some TV and go back to the laptop just to do some mindless things. My will is gone. I think if I didnt have my vape gear I would have been more depressed.

And then we dont even want to go down the road of money being an issue. Going from a Salary over R25k to just over R10k is depressing at its own. I have my own website design and hosting business. But no new clients the past 4 months. And the people around here are stuck in their ways with the people they know.

Ok. think this is enough for me draining my thoughts for the day.

Reactions: Like 3 | Can relate 2


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## Carnival

Viper_SA said:


> Having a particularly kak day with anxiety today. I have a million things I want to do, but can't seem to just pick one task and focus on that task. My mind is running around in circles and my body just wants to go to sleep. Thank God though for my new girlfriend and all her patience and support. Really does help. I just feel a bit like I'm overloading her with my issues and maybe not supporting her as I should. Waiting on the doctor to get back to me with arrangements for a new script. Apparently I have quite a few markers for add/adhd that she wants to put me on a trial period for.



Always here for you and always want to be.  Will get through this together. x

Reactions: Winner 2


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## craigb

So it was about this time last year I was in the midst of the worst time of my life professionally, psychologically, emotionally, entirely.

A year later, I can barely recognize that person. Back on my feet standing 100ft tall. I still get manic episodes, I still get depressive episode, but damn... I'm now walking with purpose, instead of marching glumly to my coffin.

One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. It can get better, but you have to persist. You have to work. It sounds cliche, it sounds trite, but no matter how difficult it is to slog through, it is worth it on the other side. The only way out is through. It will never be perfect, but it can get better. Much better.

Thank you all, each and every person on this forum has made a difference in MY life.
C

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 6


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## Carnival

A couple big things happened this week. Started on new meds 2 nights ago (so far so good, hoping it works out for me!) and that's always a bit stressful because you never know whether you'll react badly to new meds or not. Lastly, I got a new tattoo done yesterday that was long overdue. Close to 8 hours of work on it! Initially I was just looking to have a cover up over my left hand but this one turned out to be a half sleeve. The artwork is beautiful, so I'm really happy with it! @Viper_SA inspired me to go through the process of getting it done, and I'm so glad I did - thank you again for all the help and support, you are wonderful!

Reactions: Like 6


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## Andre

Carnival said:


> Lastly, I got a new tattoo done yesterday that was long overdue. Close to 8 hours of work on it! Initially I was just looking to have a cover up over my left hand but this one turned out to be a half sleeve. The artwork is beautiful, so I'm really happy with it!


Pics or it did not happen

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Carnival

Andre said:


> Pics or it did not happen



Please excuse the puffy arm and hand lol.. still swollen!

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 13


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## Stosta

Carnival said:


> Please excuse the puffy arm and hand lol.. still swollen!
> 
> View attachment 140025
> View attachment 140026


Awesome!!!

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

Carnival said:


> Please excuse the puffy arm and hand lol.. still swollen!
> 
> View attachment 140025
> View attachment 140026



 I like your fish @Carnival

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Andre

Carnival said:


> Please excuse the puffy arm and hand lol.. still swollen!
> 
> View attachment 140025
> View attachment 140026


Stunning!

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## rogue zombie

Carnival said:


> Please excuse the puffy arm and hand lol.. still swollen!
> 
> View attachment 140025
> View attachment 140026



Snap, Andre... so i'll say... amazing.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## Moerse Rooikat

Carnival said:


> Please excuse the puffy arm and hand lol.. still swollen!
> 
> View attachment 140025
> View attachment 140026


wow nice tattoo

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Bulldog

And I will say Amazeballs, very nice.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## rogue zombie

Oooh I want a pipe


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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> Enjoy the break and come back with a refreshed perspective. Renovations, both large and small are hectic. I find that freaking out just improves your contractors quality of work. LOL.
> 
> Regards



Thanks Raindance  The break was great even though we had to cut it short, straight back in to work and the house renovations, both of which are keeping me busy.


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Having a particularly kak day with anxiety today. I have a million things I want to do, but can't seem to just pick one task and focus on that task. My mind is running around in circles and my body just wants to go to sleep. Thank God though for my new girlfriend and all her patience and support. Really does help. I just feel a bit like I'm overloading her with my issues and maybe not supporting her as I should. Waiting on the doctor to get back to me with arrangements for a new script. Apparently I have quite a few markers for add/adhd that she wants to put me on a trial period for.



I hope you are doing a bit better @Viper_SA? It is great to have a special person in your life...


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## Neuk

Braki said:


> Well since there is a forum to talk... lets talk.
> 
> Short version: Was diagnosed with bad depression in 2010. Was on a hand full of pills for a few years and one day I decided I had enough and changed my whole way of living. Everything went well from 2015 to this year. Married the love of my live last year October and he has been very supportive in everything going on with me. We moved to Saldanha from Jo'burg in December. Everything went well and then February the depression came creeping back. I am working from home. Not seeing people every day. Used to work in a very busy financial office. I have contact with them every day as I still work remotely for them.
> 
> But not having friends around or people to talk to every day got to me. The fact that we are limited to things available to us here is also a factor. If you want something you have to order and pay extra due to courier charges. Family is in Cape Town, but thats an hour 45 mins drive. I went to the doctor in April and got some happy pills and something for the anxiety. But during this time various things flared up. I dont have a will to eat. My T1 diabetes is wonky. Struggle with high sugar levels. I found out a month ago I have a frozen shoulder. Suffering with headaches. Being in pain constantly is not fun.
> 
> I have lost the urge to do anything. I get up in the morning and think I really need to do this today. Sit infront of the laptop and then I do nothing. Wait for 12:00 and get in bed and sleep till 15:00. Wait for hubby to get home eat dinner watch some TV and go back to the laptop just to do some mindless things. My will is gone. I think if I didnt have my vape gear I would have been more depressed.
> 
> And then we dont even want to go down the road of money being an issue. Going from a Salary over R25k to just over R10k is depressing at its own. I have my own website design and hosting business. But no new clients the past 4 months. And the people around here are stuck in their ways with the people they know.
> 
> Ok. think this is enough for me draining my thoughts for the day.



Thanks for sharing @Braki  We are all here for you, share as you need, it makes things a little easier...


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## Neuk

Carnival said:


> Please excuse the puffy arm and hand lol.. still swollen!
> 
> View attachment 140025
> View attachment 140026



Awesome

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Neuk

I am visiting one of divisions head offices in Woodmead today, where I haven't been in a long time, but a lot of memories are coming back. I was based here for a while when I moved out from living with my now ex wife so some of the memories are tough to face but I also started vaping while here which helped me get through many tough times. It was also while I was here that @brotiform started this thread and the subsequent It's OK To Talk WhatsApp group. I miss @brotiform since he left for the UK but chat to him every now and then...

Reactions: Like 3


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## BATMAN

Been off the forum for a while. 

Got promoted at work, and though my boss never previously mind me advertising and just randomly putting vape gear as my what's app status, he actually called me in to say that I need to shift my focus to work. 

This sucked particularly because they found on my browser that I would frequent the ecigsa page. 

Since then I forced myself to spend too much time online-generally resorting to lurking in the shadows.

I've now overcome that obsticale though-I've gotten a pc without management being able to access my personal stuff

Reactions: Like 3


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## Braki

BATMAN said:


> Been off the forum for a while.
> 
> Got promoted at work, and though my boss never previously mind me advertising and just randomly putting vape gear as my what's app status, he actually called me in to say that I need to shift my focus to work.
> 
> This sucked particularly because they found on my browser that I would frequent the ecigsa page.
> 
> Since then I forced myself to spend too much time online-generally resorting to lurking in the shadows.
> 
> I've now overcome that obsticale though-I've gotten a pc without management being able to access my personal stuff



Grats on the promotion. Sometimes when something like that happens it boosts the positive thoughts. But then again when you are told what to do in your personal capacity sucks. Atleast you dont you have to lurk anymore

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## BATMAN

Thanks @Braki it feels good to be back on the forum.

Been trying to catch up as much as possible

Reactions: Like 1


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## Braki

BATMAN said:


> Thanks @Braki it feels good to be back on the forum.
> 
> Been trying to catch up as much as possible



I know the feeling. Was away as well. This week was rough again and trying to get back on track today.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Carnival

@BATMAN congrats on the promotion! That's awesome. Glad you were able to get a private PC, and welcome back to the forum.

Reactions: Like 1


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## BATMAN

hey @Carnival 

thank you so much.

hope you've been doing well

Reactions: Like 1


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## Carnival

BATMAN said:


> hey @Carnival
> 
> thank you so much.
> 
> hope you've been doing well



I'm doing good, thank you!


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## Viper_SA

I'm feeling adventurous tonight, so, I wanted to shout this off the rooftops, but since I'm afraid of heights this platform will have to do.... @Carnival, I love you, and I want everyone to know! Thank you so very much for coming into my life. "Two roads converged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled; and that has made all the difference"

Reactions: Like 4 | Winner 7


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## Carnival

Viper_SA said:


> I'm feeling adventurous tonight, so, I wanted to shout this off the rooftops, but since I'm afraid of heights this platform will have to do.... @Carnival, I love, and I want everyone to know! Thank you so very much for coming into my life. "Two roads converged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled; and that has made all the difference"



@Viper_SA I love you too! I’m so proud to call you mine. You mean the world to me and more.

Reactions: Like 3 | Winner 8


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## Bulldog

So glad you did not climb on that roof @Viper_SA  
All the best to you and @Carnival

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Thanks 1


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## Room Fogger

Congratulations @Viper_SA and @Carnival , best wishes for you on the road ahead together

Reactions: Like 2 | Thanks 1


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## Carnival

Thank you kindly, @Bulldog and @Room Fogger

Reactions: Like 3


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## Faiyaz Cheulkar

BATMAN said:


> Been off the forum for a while.
> 
> Got promoted at work, and though my boss never previously mind me advertising and just randomly putting vape gear as my what's app status, he actually called me in to say that I need to shift my focus to work.
> 
> This sucked particularly because they found on my browser that I would frequent the ecigsa page.
> 
> Since then I forced myself to spend too much time online-generally resorting to lurking in the shadows.
> 
> I've now overcome that obsticale though-I've gotten a pc without management being able to access my personal stuff


Congrats batman ! 

Where are I last worked, the internet was firewalled and only "Approved" sites were accessable. Then there was a craze of playing clash of clans on phones, so the company built lockers for us and implemented no phones policy.


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## BATMAN

@Faiyaz Cheulkar that's hectic bro.

But alot of companies are going towards those implementations these days, the only other way is to wing it at night

Reactions: Like 1


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## BATMAN

Currently watching Best of the Best part 2 with my berserker mini and some 25MG Ruby Grapefruit salt nics. 

How I love 'me-time'...


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## Viper_SA

Thanks to evryonr that tryd to help me. It juste wasn[ enouhg in th~ end


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## Neuk

BATMAN said:


> Been off the forum for a while.
> 
> Got promoted at work, and though my boss never previously mind me advertising and just randomly putting vape gear as my what's app status, he actually called me in to say that I need to shift my focus to work.
> 
> This sucked particularly because they found on my browser that I would frequent the ecigsa page.
> 
> Since then I forced myself to spend too much time online-generally resorting to lurking in the shadows.
> 
> I've now overcome that obsticale though-I've gotten a pc without management being able to access my personal stuff



Welcome back Batman  I am glad to hear that things are looking up for you!

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Neuk

Congrats @Viper_SA and @Carnival  Enjoy every moment of it!


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Thanks to evryonr that tryd to help me. It juste wasn[ enouhg in th~ end



What is happening bud?


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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> What is happening bud?



Wish I knew. I give up.


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Wish I knew. I give up.



It is OK not to know but never OK to give up bud  I won't pretend to know what you are going through but you are not alone in your struggle. One day at a time, slowly move forward, believe in yourself, never give up...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Winner 4


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## Viper_SA

I'm just in a very dark, lonely and desperate place right now. I think I'm going to go back to the stinkies full time for a bit and will probably be off the forum for some time. Time to go back into my cave and rebuild and regroup it seems. I'm sorry for dropping everyone yet again, but I won't be attending vapecon either. I just don't have the energy for people right now. My life is a mess, and I messed it up. Hope everyone in this thread is doing better than I am at the moment and for the weeks to come. If I never log in again, you'll know the darkness won and I finally gave in to it.


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> I'm just in a very dark, lonely and desperate place right now. I think I'm going to go back to the stinkies full time for a bit and will probably be off the forum for some time. Time to go back into my cave and rebuild and regroup it seems. I'm sorry for dropping everyone yet again, but I won't be attending vapecon either. I just don't have the energy for people right now. My life is a mess, and I messed it up. Hope everyone in this thread is doing better than I am at the moment and for the weeks to come. If I never log in again, you'll know the darkness won and I finally gave in to it.



I recieved this via email today, if you want to know from where, send me a PM. The author puts the point across quite well, everyone suffers at some time, to think that no one does is misguided...

_No-one wants to suffer.

However, at times, we cannot escape it.

Pushing yourself beyond your physical limits in training. The death of a loved one. Unexpected failure. Crushing debt.

Although we cannot avoid it, we can suffer skillfully.

How?
_

_By talking to others about what we are going through._
_By practicing forgiveness, acceptance, and mindfulness._
_By understanding how we psychologically process stress, anxiety and grief._
_By hanging on to a better future._
_By breathing through the pain and remembering that this too shall pass._
_By choosing how we go through suffering._
_By choosing to actually not suffer._

_The human experience includes pain and suffering but is not made of it._

_Suffer, with skill, and no longer than you have to._

Hang in there @Viper_SA!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Winner 3


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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> I'm just in a very dark, lonely and desperate place right now. I think I'm going to go back to the stinkies full time for a bit and will probably be off the forum for some time. Time to go back into my cave and rebuild and regroup it seems. I'm sorry for dropping everyone yet again, but I won't be attending vapecon either. I just don't have the energy for people right now. My life is a mess, and I messed it up. Hope everyone in this thread is doing better than I am at the moment and for the weeks to come. If I never log in again, you'll know the darkness won and I finally gave in to it.



I was diagnosed borderline which is similar to bipolar. 

It took me at least ten years to be where I am now. I'm almost 40. My best advice is to stop drinking alcohol - it makes things worse. I messed my life up too, you know and battle my demons with alcohol, depression, drugs, you name it.

I'm not proud of my past but I learnt my mistakes and moved forward with the lessons learnt. 

Another advice is to keep busy, keep that mind from wandering to the darkness. Find an hobby that you love. Make peace with yourself and know your limits.

And the best advice I ever got was from a friend who suffers from depression. You can't rely on others to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy.

I also believe that group or individual therapy will help as I see my psychologist now and then. Its not cheap I know but every session helps a lot. With a psychologist, he makes you face your fears and weaknesses then helps you to work out how you will address them. 

I stopped drinking for 2 years and can see how much happier I am without it. I don't need anyone, I'm happy being alone and for the first time in my life, it doesn't bother me at all.

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 6


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## RenaldoRheeder

Viper_SA said:


> I'm just in a very dark, lonely and desperate place right now. I think I'm going to go back to the stinkies full time for a bit and will probably be off the forum for some time. Time to go back into my cave and rebuild and regroup it seems. I'm sorry for dropping everyone yet again, but I won't be attending vapecon either. I just don't have the energy for people right now. My life is a mess, and I messed it up. Hope everyone in this thread is doing better than I am at the moment and for the weeks to come. If I never log in again, you'll know the darkness won and I finally gave in to it.



Mate - I wish I can say something that will make it better. Sending you much love and wishing you the courage that you need right now. 


Sent by iDad's iPhone

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1


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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> I'm just in a very dark, lonely and desperate place right now. I think I'm going to go back to the stinkies full time for a bit and will probably be off the forum for some time. Time to go back into my cave and rebuild and regroup it seems. I'm sorry for dropping everyone yet again, but I won't be attending vapecon either. I just don't have the energy for people right now. My life is a mess, and I messed it up. Hope everyone in this thread is doing better than I am at the moment and for the weeks to come. If I never log in again, you'll know the darkness won and I finally gave in to it.


@Viper_SA , as per @RenaldoRheeder , I don’t think anything I say can or will make it better, but best wishes for the courage needed and know we will be thinking of you in this difficult time in your life.

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## RenaldoRheeder

I want to share this with you from a very dark time in my life. I carry it with me today still, because I need to remind myself often enough :










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## Viper_SA

Feeling a touch better today. Still very emotional and my anxiety is through the roof. Currently staying with my mom again, feeling like a 41 year old loser, but just too damn scared to be alone right now. Waiting for the pharmacy to deliver my new meds the psychiatrist prescribed yesterday. Also busy searching for a psychologist I can see on a regular basis after hours, because work will have a fit if I saw one during work hours. Worst part is still being off sick after an operation to remove my nailbeds, so I'm stuck with my own thoughts with NO distractions. My trusty 19 year old amplifier gave out over the weekend, so I can't even do music or movies right now. Hope everyone is doing okay, and thanks for everyone's kind words. P. S. Gory pic of toes to follow, lol.

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## RainstormZA

Hi @Viper_SA 

Don't call yourself a loser. Call yourself strong enough to know you needed help by staying with your mom is the best decision you've made. She is there when you need her. 

Kudos on looking for a psychologist. Maybe group therapy would suit your schedule, they usually are formed and assembled in their spare time. Ask the psychologist to refer you to one as well.

It does help to talk to others in similar positions and you get to make new friends too. 

Last of all, hope your toes make a speedy recovery...

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## Bulldog

The like is not for the gory pic of your toes @Viper_SA  It is for you feeling a touch better, and tomorrow you will feel even better still.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Faiyaz Cheulkar

No one helps you more during tough times like your family. For some reason I feel that staying away from your family is the cause of most problems in our lives. When I say family it's not only your wife and kids, it's parents and siblings too. 
The only reason my mum and dad are not with me at the moment is because of "home affairs". My wife's parents stay with her brother who are very near to where we are right now. Anyone in trouble and the whole family comes to support. Be it money, moral support or whatever you can think of.
Why is it looked at as a weakness in developed countries/cultures I don't understand. 
Funny part is when one person goes to the airport and there are at least 10 people to drop him off .

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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Feeling a touch better today. Still very emotional and my anxiety is through the roof. Currently staying with my mom again, feeling like a 41 year old loser, but just too damn scared to be alone right now. Waiting for the pharmacy to deliver my new meds the psychiatrist prescribed yesterday. Also busy searching for a psychologist I can see on a regular basis after hours, because work will have a fit if I saw one during work hours. Worst part is still being off sick after an operation to remove my nailbeds, so I'm stuck with my own thoughts with NO distractions. My trusty 19 year old amplifier gave out over the weekend, so I can't even do music or movies right now. Hope everyone is doing okay, and thanks for everyone's kind words. P. S. Gory pic of toes to follow, lol.
> 
> View attachment 142155


Great to hear you are feeling a bit better, and a great decision to stay with your mom, they know us too well and can be great for us emotionally. Wishes for you feeling better soon and hope the toes heal quick.

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Feeling a touch better today. Still very emotional and my anxiety is through the roof. Currently staying with my mom again, feeling like a 41 year old loser, but just too damn scared to be alone right now. Waiting for the pharmacy to deliver my new meds the psychiatrist prescribed yesterday. Also busy searching for a psychologist I can see on a regular basis after hours, because work will have a fit if I saw one during work hours. Worst part is still being off sick after an operation to remove my nailbeds, so I'm stuck with my own thoughts with NO distractions. My trusty 19 year old amplifier gave out over the weekend, so I can't even do music or movies right now. Hope everyone is doing okay, and thanks for everyone's kind words. P. S. Gory pic of toes to follow, lol.



I am proud of you @Viper_SA  Something that I have concentrated on the last few years, is recognizing when and how I react to situations, be they good, bad or indifferent. This has helped me in my battle to control my anger as well as my anxiety, not all the time obviously but it has given me a better chance to manage situations and get help that I need in time. It sounds like you are on a similar learning curve, asking for help when you recognise you need it and you should be commended for it!

Good luck with the toes

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## Neuk

Faiyaz Cheulkar said:


> No one helps you more during tough times like your family. For some reason I feel that staying away from your family is the cause of most problems in our lives. When I say family it's not only your wife and kids, it's parents and siblings too.
> The only reason my mum and dad are not with me at the moment is because of "home affairs". My wife's parents stay with her brother who are very near to where we are right now. Anyone in trouble and the whole family comes to support. Be it money, moral support or whatever you can think of.
> Why is it looked at as a weakness in developed countries/cultures I don't understand.
> Funny part is when one person goes to the airport and there are at least 10 people to drop him off .



I cannot agree enough with this, family as well as friends are an integral part of anyone's overall health and well being.

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## RenaldoRheeder

@Viper_SA - family is the best - only better is Mom. You are going to be fine 


Sent by iDad's iPhone

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## Viper_SA

Women...

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## Viper_SA

"Thanks for ripping my heart out and putting through a bloody blender" 
I guess I'm just not destined to have a ralationship

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## RenaldoRheeder

Viper_SA said:


> "Thanks for ripping my heart out and putting through a bloody blender"
> I guess I'm just not destined to have a ralationship



Mate - I know exactly how that feels. Trust me however, it is not that you are NOT destined to have a relationship - we just didn't learn how to "work" on relationships. I am smack bang in the middle of it right now. Relationship failure is NEVER a single party's fault. You have to mourn, you also have to forgive before you can heal. Importantly - you have to forgive yourself. 


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## Viper_SA

RenaldoRheeder said:


> Mate - I know exactly how that feels. Trust me however, it is not that you are NOT destined to have a relationship - we just didn't learn how to "work" on relationships. I am smack bang in the middle of it right now. Relationship failure is NEVER a single party's fault. You have to mourn, you also have to forgive before you can heal. Importantly - you have to forgive yourself.
> 
> 
> Sent by iDad's iPhone



I hear you bud, but you can't work on anything when you're being ignored for 5 days. I drove all the way from Sasolburg to Jhb cbd to take her flowers at her work. Refused to open the access gate and all the colleagues told me she's not at work while I'm on the phone with her mom who swears she's at work. That is rejection at its worst. Sure, I was in Jhb for a psychiatrist appointment but in Fourways, still a moerse drive to cbd from there.


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## Raindance

RenaldoRheeder said:


> Mate - I know exactly how that feels. Trust me however, it is not that you are NOT destined to have a relationship - we just didn't learn how to "work" on relationships. I am smack bang in the middle of it right now. Relationship failure is NEVER a single party's fault. You have to mourn, you also have to forgive before you can heal. Importantly - you have to forgive yourself.
> 
> 
> Sent by iDad's iPhone


Sorry to hear Renaldo. Relationships are hard. I think the secret to success in a relationship with another is having a good relationship with oneself. Another bit of golden advice which I have no idea how to do myself.

Yeah, fear of getting hurt has made me steer clear of getting involved for a long time, yet, I know this is not healthy. Its not natural and brings on its own set of problems. I guess one has to roll the dice and take ones chances. I am starting to realize that living "safe" is not much of a life at all. It's true what they say, better to have loved and lost that never having loved at all.

I'll shut up now.

Regards

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## RenaldoRheeder

Viper_SA said:


> I hear you bud, but you can't work on anything when you're being ignored for 5 days. I drove all the way from Sasolburg to Jhb cbd to take her flowers at her work. Refused to open the access gate and all the colleagues told me she's not at work while I'm on the phone with her mom who swears she's at work. That is rejection at its worst. Sure, I was in Jhb for a psychiatrist appointment but in Fourways, still a moerse drive to cbd from there.



I have send you a PM

Hang in there 


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## Viper_SA

Viper_SA said:


> "Thanks for ripping my heart out and putting through a bloody blender"
> I guess I'm just not destined to have a ralationship



Might have overreacted, will keep you guys posted. New shrink reckons I confuse space with rejection.....

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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> Might have overreacted, will keep you guys posted. New shrink reckons I confuse space with rejection.....



There was a lady I used to ride horses with. I think I was about 14 or 15 when she told me this - you learn something new every day, regardless of how many times you've done it.

Use it as a learning curve, not a mistake. Look at life from different angles and you will learn different things.

This morning I watched a flock of 26 crowned cranes in mating season. The males look like they were dancing to the females. It was beautiful and not something you see every day. Other species fight over females but not them. It was peaceful dancing with wings wide open and lots of showing off.

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## RenaldoRheeder

Viper_SA said:


> Might have overreacted, will keep you guys posted. New shrink reckons I confuse space with rejection.....



It is easy to spiral into this 










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## RenaldoRheeder

Raindance said:


> Sorry to hear Renaldo. Relationships are hard. I think the secret to success in a relationship with another is having a good relationship with oneself. Another bit of golden advice which I have no idea how to do myself.
> 
> Yeah, fear of getting hurt has made me steer clear of getting involved for a long time, yet, I know this is not healthy. Its not natural and brings on its own set of problems. I guess one has to roll the dice and take ones chances. I am starting to realize that living "safe" is not much of a life at all. It's true what they say, better to have loved and lost that never having loved at all.
> 
> I'll shut up now.
> 
> Regards



You know where I started? I started "talking" to myself. One of the most important things in a relationship is to have conversations. Sometimes an issue becomes clearer when you write it down and read it later to "cement" detail into you head and understand. I am lazy, so I use an app to record it. Then I listen again later - after a week. I have learned more about myself and to understand myself. Adjust and become a better "friend" of myself. 

So do not shut up - conversation is important 

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## RainstormZA

RenaldoRheeder said:


> You know where I started? I started "talking" to myself. One of the most important things in a relationship is to have conversations. Sometimes an issue becomes clearer when you write it down and read it later to "cement" detail into you head and understand. I am lazy, so I use an app to record it. Then I listen again later - after a week. I have learned more about myself and to understand myself. Adjust and become a better "friend" of myself.
> 
> So do not shut up - conversation is important
> 
> Sent by iDad's iPhone



Lol and I talk to myself all the time...

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## Faiyaz Cheulkar

RainstormZA said:


> Lol and I talk to myself all the time...


Lol, me too. when I talked to myself while traveling in public transport or eating in a cafeteria etc, I used to get stares and smiles like a crazy person gets. 
My wife and friends used to interrupt me and laugh at me.
I used to get embarrassed, but then I read an article from a psychologist that people who talk to themselves have a higher IQ and are deep thinkers. 


Sent from aPhone

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## RainstormZA

Faiyaz Cheulkar said:


> Lol, me too. when I talked to myself while traveling in public transport or eating in a cafeteria etc, I used to get stares and smiles like a crazy person gets.
> My wife and friends used to interrupt me and laugh at me.
> I used to get embarrassed, but then I read an article from a psychologist that people who talk to themselves have a higher IQ and are deep thinkers.
> 
> 
> Sent from aPhone


Heck lol I argue with myself and laugh at myself

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## Moerse Rooikat

RenaldoRheeder said:


> You know where I started? I started "talking" to myself. One of the most important things in a relationship is to have conversations. Sometimes an issue becomes clearer when you write it down and read it later to "cement" detail into you head and understand. I am lazy, so I use an app to record it. Then I listen again later - after a week. I have learned more about myself and to understand myself. Adjust and become a better "friend" of myself.
> 
> So do not shut up - conversation is important
> 
> Sent by iDad's iPhone


The problem comes when you argue with yourself in public it makes my whife uncomfortable

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## Christos

Moerse Rooikat said:


> The problem comes when you argue with yourself in public it makes my whife uncomfortable


How to avoid hawkers and sales people 101!

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## Viper_SA

Guys, and girls. If someone has been ignoring all your messages for a week, and refused to open the access gate at her workplace when you took her flowers, does that mean you're single? How do you get closure without and honest communication?


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## Adephi

Viper_SA said:


> Guys, and girls. If someone has been ignoring all your messages for a week, and refused to open the access gate at her workplace when you took her flowers, does that mean you're single? How do you get closure without and honest communication?



I think she has been sending you a message. Move on dude. There is much better things in life than to worry about one girl.

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## Viper_SA



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## Viper_SA

Adephi said:


> I think she has been sending you a message. Move on dude. There is much better things in life than to worry about one girl.



Not so easy when you really love someone and don't have closure....

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## Viper_SA

Will someone please add me back on the WhatsApp group


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## Viper_SA

Thanks for all the advice and sympathetic ears. I'll be back when I start vaping again. Hopefully soon. For now, I'm going dark. lol, I sound like a navy seal don't I. Going to lose myself in my music and other hobbies for a bit and regroup.

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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Thanks for all the advice and sympathetic ears. I'll be back when I start vaping again. Hopefully soon. For now, I'm going dark. lol, I sound like a navy seal don't I. Going to lose myself in my music and other hobbies for a bit and regroup.


Do what you need to do to be able to come back, we will be missing your presence. Enjoy the music and the other hobbies and make it all about you, you need that. Don’t forget to forgive firstly yourself, and all those that may have contributed to your pain, then you carry no old baggage through life. Wishes for a speedy recovery and hoping to see you back here soon.

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## Braki

If someone told you that you are unprofessional and ludicrous and you had a hell of a fall out so that you were told stop being a nuisance. But you still feel that you want to fix the relationship and the person is not willing to listen.... What do you do? How do you move on? I'm broken. Not because what was said to me, but it came from someone who I truelly admired and had the worlds respect for. Now I'm worthless in this persons eyes. Yes maybe I made a mistake, I didnt even really have time to explain what was going on. How do you get someone to listen when they already made up their mind?

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## Viper_SA

Braki said:


> If someone told you that you are unprofessional and ludicrous and you had a hell of a fall out so that you were told stop being a nuisance. But you still feel that you want to fix the relationship and the person is not willing to listen.... What do you do? How do you move on? I'm broken. Not because what was said to me, but it came from someone who I truelly admired and had the worlds respect for. Now I'm worthless in this persons eyes. Yes maybe I made a mistake, I didnt even really have time to explain what was going on. How do you get someone to listen when they already made up their mind?


Ending relationships without closure and face to face contact is a killer. Currently going through the same thing. I have no answers for you, but I can tell you what doesn't work: begging, pleading, drinking and self-pity. Best of luck feeling better soon.

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## Room Fogger

Braki said:


> If someone told you that you are unprofessional and ludicrous and you had a hell of a fall out so that you were told stop being a nuisance. But you still feel that you want to fix the relationship and the person is not willing to listen.... What do you do? How do you move on? I'm broken. Not because what was said to me, but it came from someone who I truelly admired and had the worlds respect for. Now I'm worthless in this persons eyes. Yes maybe I made a mistake, I didnt even really have time to explain what was going on. How do you get someone to listen when they already made up their mind?


Hi @Braki , you first have to forgive yourself and the other person to get rid of the baggage. This will enable you to go on. You will only be broken, worthless and useless if you allow yourself to be that. 

Unfortunately you cannot easily change someone else’s mind, maybe take a step back and allow some time for the other person to work through their anger. You will know when the time is right to re-establish contact, show them who the bigger person is and don’t dwell on the past, it’s the one thing nobody can change. Then look to the future and enjoy living life to its fullest.

Hope you will have a absolutely sparkling great and wonderful day!

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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Ending relationships without closure and face to face contact is a killer. Currently going through the same thing. I have no answers for you, but I can tell you what doesn't work: begging, pleading, drinking and self-pity. Best of luck feeling better soon.


Hi @Viper_SA , good to see you again. Great advice for anyone, you are so right. Have a sparkling day!

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## Raindance

@Viper_SA , your response shows great growrh and progress. Encouraging to see. Keep it ip. @Braki, losing someone one cares for is losing part of yourself. It is ok to feel broken. Just keep in mind that it does not make you worthless or a failiure. Its a part of life and a law of nature that that which does not work will end in order to make room for something better. 
Express your hurt, voice your anger. Get it out of your system so you can embrace the wonderfull oportunity you have been given to make a brand new start. Take no baggage allong, it wont be needed.

Regads

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## Raindance

Someone once made the statement that love is the way someone makes us feel about ourselves. Been pondering this statement.

By extension it implies that in a relationship love is the way two people make each other feel about themselves. 

I guess this is why relationhips are such hard work. Keeping the other feeling good about themself even if you feel crappy about yourself.

Not undoable though. As long as the other party keeps up its end of the bargain. And we allow them to.

Regards

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Thanks for all the advice and sympathetic ears. I'll be back when I start vaping again. Hopefully soon. For now, I'm going dark. lol, I sound like a navy seal don't I. Going to lose myself in my music and other hobbies for a bit and regroup.



I hope that you are doing better bud  I hope that you respond to my WhatsApp when you get a chance...


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## Neuk

Braki said:


> If someone told you that you are unprofessional and ludicrous and you had a hell of a fall out so that you were told stop being a nuisance. But you still feel that you want to fix the relationship and the person is not willing to listen.... What do you do? How do you move on? I'm broken. Not because what was said to me, but it came from someone who I truelly admired and had the worlds respect for. Now I'm worthless in this persons eyes. Yes maybe I made a mistake, I didnt even really have time to explain what was going on. How do you get someone to listen when they already made up their mind?



This is a tough situation, simply put you have little control over what others experience/think/believe/ etc., all you can do is be the best you can be and hope that they appreciate it. As for explaining yourself when someone doesn't want to listen is sometimes impossible, you can send them some form of communication to explain your side but it is up to them to firstly read it, secondly to try and understand it and lastly to decide to respond or engage. If it were me, I would communicate my side of the story and then try let go as best I can, the rest is largely out of my hands and trying to make further contact could be misconstrued as being a nuisance. All the best, I know it isn't easy but we have to submit ourselves to forces greater than us at times, knowing that we did all that we could and that it is out of our hands...

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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> Someone once made the statement that love is the way someone makes us feel about ourselves. Been pondering this statement.
> 
> By extension it implies that in a relationship love is the way two people make each other feel about themselves.
> 
> I guess this is why relationhips are such hard work. Keeping the other feeling good about themself even if you feel crappy about yourself.
> 
> Not undoable though. As long as the other party keeps up its end of the bargain. And we allow them to.
> 
> Regards



This is so true and I can fully relate, my ex in one way or another made me feel grossly inadequate no matter how hard I tried or what I did, to please and interest her. My current makes me feel loved, worthwhile, more than adequate, etc. which has made a huge difference to my life and how I view myself. I will add though, that I have learnt that my self worth should not rely on what others think of me, easier said than done but true none the less...

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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> I hope that you are doing better bud  I hope that you respond to my WhatsApp when you get a chance...



Must have missed it while clearing my WhatsApp messages, sorry


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## Viper_SA

If life had a rewind button, where would you go? Let's have some fun and see if we can learn some more about each other.

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## Braki

Neuk said:


> This is so true and I can fully relate, my ex in one way or another made me feel grossly inadequate no matter how hard I tried or what I did, to please and interest her. My current makes me feel loved, worthwhile, more than adequate, etc. which has made a huge difference to my life and how I view myself. I will add though, that I have learnt that my self worth should not rely on what others think of me, easier said than done but true none the less...



It's that self worth that is the biggest problem. I have always looked after other people before myself. I must say that since I got married to my husband he has taught me a lot and I have become a stronger person, but I still tend to want to please other people more than myself and want to rather see them happy and satisfied. I went through a few rough years in my past and for some reason some days those things kreep up again. Doesnt help to go see a shrink they cant help me I need to learn to move on.

Regarding my current situation with the ex friend. I got up this morning and decided enough of trying to fix things and trying to explain my side. I barely have any friends so loosing one of the none I had its probably not a loss then. I'm just going to focus on the things going on at the moment and see the good in it. Hard leason learned, but don't we learn something new every day.

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## Braki

Viper_SA said:


> If life had a rewind button, where would you go? Let's have some fun and see if we can learn some more about each other.



Yoh there is a few that comes to mind. But then again if it didnt happen I wouldnt be where I am today. Wouldnt have had the love of my life supporting me, wouldnt have lived in Saldanha and probably wouldnt have had the work at home job I have. So if I can go back and change those and still have what I have today I would want to go back when I was 5 years old when something really bad happend and due to that I'm a T1 diabetic. I would give anything not to be a diabetic. Just to live a normal live without complications.

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## Viper_SA

Losing my shit a bit tonight. Trying to follow my own advice and not beg and plead, trying to not blame myself for everything that went wrong in my relationship, and my general stress and anxiety is way up. Quit drinking cold turkey on Saturday night after breaking down and crying at my favorite pub. Sunday morning I poured around R2k's worth of single malt scotch down the drain. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the next day anyway. Realised I wasn't drinking for pleasure anymore, and using it as a coping mechanism. I literally drank to get plastered enough to forget my problems and pass out. Not worth it, but still suffering. Nothing beats getting plastered and feeling sorry for yourself when your heart is broken. I'm not going to win Christian of the year awards, but tonight I'm asking for prayers please, whatever your religion is. Thanks for all the PM's to date from all you great people.

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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Losing my shit a bit tonight. Trying to follow my own advice and not beg and plead, trying to not blame myself for everything that went wrong in my relationship, and my general stress and anxiety is way up. Quit drinking cold turkey on Saturday night after breaking down and crying at my favorite pub. Sunday morning I poured around R2k's worth of single malt scotch down the drain. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the next day anyway. Realised I wasn't drinking for pleasure anymore, and using it as a coping mechanism. I literally drank to get plastered enough to forget my problems and pass out. Not worth it, but still suffering. Nothing beats getting plastered and feeling sorry for yourself when your heart is broken. I'm not going to win Christian of the year awards, but tonight I'm asking for prayers please, whatever your religion is. Thanks for all the PM's to date from all you great people.


I won’t be winning that prize either, but will have a couple of words on your behalf as well tonight. Peace to you, and patience when needed. Pouring out the booze may sound like sacrilege to some, but the best thing you could have done. Since my mishap in Jan I’ve learned you don’t need it to have fun, who could have known. Stay strong meneer, a lot of people are standing behind you.

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## RenaldoRheeder

Viper_SA said:


> If life had a rewind button, where would you go? Let's have some fun and see if we can learn some more about each other.



I wouldn't use the button. I am what I am because of everything that I have been through in life - good and bad. 







Sent by iDad's iPhone

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## RainstormZA

Room Fogger said:


> I won’t be winning that prize either, but will have a couple of words on your behalf as well tonight. Peace to you, and patience when needed. Pouring out the booze may sound like sacrilege to some, but the best thing you could have done. Since my mishap in Jan I’ve learned you don’t need it to have fun, who could have known. Stay strong meneer, a lot of people are standing behind you.



Exactly! My last drink was December. A whole bottle of white rum in 2 days. Omw. I rather spend the money on vape stuff.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Viper_SA said:


> Losing my shit a bit tonight. Trying to follow my own advice and not beg and plead, trying to not blame myself for everything that went wrong in my relationship, and my general stress and anxiety is way up. Quit drinking cold turkey on Saturday night after breaking down and crying at my favorite pub. Sunday morning I poured around R2k's worth of single malt scotch down the drain. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the next day anyway. Realised I wasn't drinking for pleasure anymore, and using it as a coping mechanism. I literally drank to get plastered enough to forget my problems and pass out. Not worth it, but still suffering. Nothing beats getting plastered and feeling sorry for yourself when your heart is broken. I'm not going to win Christian of the year awards, but tonight I'm asking for prayers please, whatever your religion is. Thanks for all the PM's to date from all you great people.



Feeling a little better this morning. Thanks everyone. I swear I had a dream where I saw happier times ahead and it made me feel so much better.
Still very anxious this morning, but hopeful. We'll what the future holds.

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Must have missed it while clearing my WhatsApp messages, sorry



No problem bud  I was just checking to see if you were OK.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> If life had a rewind button, where would you go? Let's have some fun and see if we can learn some more about each other.



Like @RenaldoRheeder has said, I am the man I am today because of my past but I am fully in control of my future, I wouldn't hit rewind or fast forward.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Braki said:


> It's that self worth that is the biggest problem. I have always looked after other people before myself. I must say that since I got married to my husband he has taught me a lot and I have become a stronger person, but I still tend to want to please other people more than myself and want to rather see them happy and satisfied. I went through a few rough years in my past and for some reason some days those things kreep up again. Doesnt help to go see a shrink they cant help me I need to learn to move on.
> 
> Regarding my current situation with the ex friend. I got up this morning and decided enough of trying to fix things and trying to explain my side. I barely have any friends so loosing one of the none I had its probably not a loss then. I'm just going to focus on the things going on at the moment and see the good in it. Hard leason learned, but don't we learn something new every day.



Self worth and confidence has been one of my biggest issues throughout my life and only in my mid to late thirties am I learning to put myself ahead of others when I need to but not so much that I turn in to a self absorbed, narcissistic, egotistical asshole. I have always been on the too generous side of the scale so it is taking long to learn where the fine balance is...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Losing my shit a bit tonight. Trying to follow my own advice and not beg and plead, trying to not blame myself for everything that went wrong in my relationship, and my general stress and anxiety is way up. Quit drinking cold turkey on Saturday night after breaking down and crying at my favorite pub. Sunday morning I poured around R2k's worth of single malt scotch down the drain. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the next day anyway. Realised I wasn't drinking for pleasure anymore, and using it as a coping mechanism. I literally drank to get plastered enough to forget my problems and pass out. Not worth it, but still suffering. Nothing beats getting plastered and feeling sorry for yourself when your heart is broken. I'm not going to win Christian of the year awards, but tonight I'm asking for prayers please, whatever your religion is. Thanks for all the PM's to date from all you great people.



Good for you bud  I enjoy a drink every now and then but I drink far, far, far less than I used to and I find myself not wanting to drink these days. I feel far better not having a drink at times, both at the time and definitely the next day. As the saying goes...

_"When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow..."_

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## Bulldog

Neuk said:


> _"When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow..."_


Such a cool saying, never heard it before


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## Viper_SA

Well, I'd like to rewind the clock to before my father passed away, even if just to say goodbye properly. Due to certain conflicts of interest, this will be my last post in this thread. Anyone who would still like to make contact, feel free to do so via Whatsapp or PM.
The floor is all yours, go crazy. (no pun intended of course)

Viper, out!

Reactions: Winner 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Well, I'd like to rewind the clock to before my father passed away, even if just to say goodbye properly. Due to certain conflicts of interest, this will be my last post in this thread. Anyone who would still like to make contact, feel free to do so via Whatsapp or PM.
> The floor is all yours, go crazy. (no pun intended of course)
> 
> Viper, out!



Don't be a stranger bud, we are all here for you...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Neuk

This week has been my turn to bare the brunt of the dark cloud...

We moved in to our new house this last weekend which was an exciting, stressful, tiring, joyous, happy, stressful, up and down time. It has been a lot of firsts for me, my first property, my first house, my first renovation, my first big move, etc, etc. so I have tried to just take it as it comes as I really have had no idea what to expect. I have struggled almost from the get go, my anxiety levels have been high the last two or so weeks with me getting little quality sleep and seemingly insignificant events triggering me. I am trying to understand that moving in to a newly renovated house is an ongoing process, I need to leave my perfectionist inclination behind and trust that in the end everything will work out...

Reactions: Like 2


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## Andre

Neuk said:


> This week has been my turn to bare the brunt of the dark cloud...
> 
> We moved in to our new house this last weekend which was an exciting, stressful, tiring, joyous, happy, stressful, up and down time. It has been a lot of firsts for me, my first property, my first house, my first renovation, my first big move, etc, etc. so I have tried to just take it as it comes as I really have had no idea what to expect. I have struggled almost from the get go, my anxiety levels have been high the last two or so weeks with me getting little quality sleep and seemingly insignificant events triggering me. I am trying to understand that moving in to a newly renovated house is an ongoing process, I need to leave my perfectionist inclination behind and trust that in the end everything will work out...


Go with the flow and enjoy the journey @Neuk. Moving is all those things you mentioned for all.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Viper_SA



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## Viper_SA

I know I said I won't post here again, but I'm at the end of my rope. Just when I settled in with a psychologist, she's moving to Durban and "dumping" me as well. So the whole process of finding someone would have to start again. Today it seems easier to just give up and save everyone around me from my moods and issues. Haven't slept in two days, can't eat, and just smoke one stinky after the other. Thanks for the time I have spent on this thread, and I hope somewhere, someone learned something positive from my experiences.
Viper, out

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## RenaldoRheeder

Sent by iDad's iPhone

Reactions: Like 4 | Winner 1


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## RainstormZA



Reactions: Like 3 | Winner 3


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## Raindance

RainstormZA said:


> View attachment 144309


Epic!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Neuk

Andre said:


> Go with the flow and enjoy the journey @Neuk. Moving is all those things you mentioned for all.



Thanks @Andre  It has definitely been one of those experiences where you look back and it was worth all the stress and struggle. We are not completely done moving and getting setup but we are enjoying more and more as each day comes and goes...

Reactions: Like 2


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> I know I said I won't post here again, but I'm at the end of my rope. Just when I settled in with a psychologist, she's moving to Durban and "dumping" me as well. So the whole process of finding someone would have to start again. Today it seems easier to just give up and save everyone around me from my moods and issues. Haven't slept in two days, can't eat, and just smoke one stinky after the other. Thanks for the time I have spent on this thread, and I hope somewhere, someone learned something positive from my experiences.
> Viper, out



You are worth it @Viper_SA, you matter, you are important, you have impact and you are valuable! It is easy to say and harder to do but don't give up the fight, chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Neuk

@RenaldoRheeder and @RainstormZA - Such powerful words, thanks for sharing.

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## Neuk

Check in time, it has been too long and I have been busy with a lot of things, how is everyone...

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

I'm in a losing battle with my mother. I swear she enjoys hurting me, putting me down when it suits her.

We're not talking because I told her exactly what I thought of her and how horrible she has been. So it's me and my dad just talking. I just figured out how much crap she has caused by me talking to him yesterday.

He wanted me to study and get my last two qualifications - not worry about getting work here because I would be doing that in the UK. 

I can manage my money to a budget every month so I don't have to worry about getting extra income. 

And this is my stepdad I'm talking about. I get much more support from him and pretty solid advice. My mom, on the other hand, is something else. 

I just now got to focus on passing the two exams then he will apply for my visa and hopefully it gets approved.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> I'm in a losing battle with my mother. I swear she enjoys hurting me, putting me down when it suits her.
> 
> We're not talking because I told her exactly what I thought of her and how horrible she has been. So it's me and my dad just talking. I just figured out how much crap she has caused by me talking to him yesterday.
> 
> He wanted me to study and get my last two qualifications - not worry about getting work here because I would be doing that in the UK.
> 
> I can manage my money to a budget every month so I don't have to worry about getting extra income.
> 
> And this is my stepdad I'm talking about. I get much more support from him and pretty solid advice. My mom, on the other hand, is something else.
> 
> I just now got to focus on passing the two exams then he will apply for my visa and hopefully it gets approved.



Thanks for the update @RainstormZA and sorry to hear about the battle with your mom. I too find it tough at times to deal with my parents, they were raised in a different world with different expectations and different responsibilities. I try to remind myself that they just want what is best for me even though they don't fully understand what that exactly entails. It is good that you were honest with your mom, it is no use tip toeing around issues like this...


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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> Thanks for the update @RainstormZA and sorry to hear about the battle with your mom. I too find it tough at times to deal with my parents, they were raised in a different world with different expectations and different responsibilities. I try to remind myself that they just want what is best for me even though they don't fully understand what that exactly entails. It is good that you were honest with your mom, it is no use tip toeing around issues like this...


Exactly. I'm done trying to please everyone. It's a wonder I'm so broken, yet I still keep the pieces together and carry on. I think it may be time I talked to my sister because my mom doesn't speak to her and my brothers the way she does to me. It's like I'm the scapegoat for their shortcomings.

And now I'm the abusive one and throws my toys out of the cot, according to my dad. He hasn't even heard my side of the story. Geez.

I'll suck it up for now, get my life sorted for the uk and once I have paid everything off, I'm severing ties with the family. I can't live with toxic people.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Exactly. I'm done trying to please everyone. It's a wonder I'm so broken, yet I still keep the pieces together and carry on. I think it may be time I talked to my sister because my mom doesn't speak to her and my brothers the way she does to me. It's like I'm the scapegoat for their shortcomings.
> 
> And now I'm the abusive one and throws my toys out of the cot, according to my dad. He hasn't even heard my side of the story. Geez.
> 
> I'll suck it up for now, get my life sorted for the uk and once I have paid everything off, I'm severing ties with the family. I can't live with toxic people.



Regarding pleasing everyone...







I am not sure severing ties with your family is the best idea but a break from them may be. Good luck with the road ahead either way!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

@Neuk, saw this online - makes a lot of sense regarding toxic relationships.

https://lessonslearnedinlife.com/en...TZBx63nkaj_RcuEEEtslRaZs7U1nA8BI8WYRSSUhxySls

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## RainstormZA

Now come to think of it. This explains why my psychologist had a go at my parents and why my uncle wanted to take me away from my mother when I was a kid.

http://powerfulmind.co/raised-by-a-toxic-mother/

It says a lot. Enough said.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Faiyaz Cheulkar

RainstormZA said:


> Now come to think of it. This explains why my psychologist had a go at my parents and why my uncle wanted to take me away from my mother when I was a kid.
> 
> http://powerfulmind.co/raised-by-a-toxic-mother/
> 
> It says a lot. Enough said.


That article just described a typical Indian mother , but honestly i feel whatever she did was for my own good.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## RainstormZA

Faiyaz Cheulkar said:


> That article just described a typical Indian mother , but honestly i feel whatever she did was for my own good.


Ouch...


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## RainstormZA

@Faiyaz Cheulkar however there's a thin line between emotional abuse and constructive criticism, however you word it.

Like if I dropped a glass, I get congratulated on being so clumsy and stupid.

As opposed to saying oh dear and try to be more careful in future. 

When I was a kid, I was given books at Christmas as a reward for doing well at school. That stopped after I went to boarding school. Funny thing is no one cares if I had average marks. My brothers and sister got more attention for their good marks. I went through high school with depression and they never cared enough til it was too late. My sister developed a eating disorder and they attended to it promptly. 

When I had horse shows, my mom never turned up to support me and now that I think of it, she never went to my school sports events either. She gets irritated with me over tiny things. 

I was the outcast, all because I was an illegitimate child. To make matters worse, my own father abandoned me. 

Well I'm an adult now, so I should make the best of it when I get to the uk and get on with my life.


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## Raindance

Well, it’s 7 in the morning and my daughter is probably on final approach to Heathrow airport in London.
Been able to keep it together so far, will see what the future holds.
New beginnings and all and all...

Regards

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## RainstormZA




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## BioHAZarD

RainstormZA said:


> View attachment 149361


as long as you not in cape town

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## RainstormZA

BioHAZarD said:


> as long as you not in cape town


Lol you got a point there, over the water rationing.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Faiyaz Cheulkar

RainstormZA said:


> @Faiyaz Cheulkar however there's a thin line between emotional abuse and constructive criticism, however you word it.
> 
> Like if I dropped a glass, I get congratulated on being so clumsy and stupid.
> 
> As opposed to saying oh dear and try to be more careful in future.
> 
> When I was a kid, I was given books at Christmas as a reward for doing well at school. That stopped after I went to boarding school. Funny thing is no one cares if I had average marks. My brothers and sister got more attention for their good marks. I went through high school with depression and they never cared enough til it was too late. My sister developed a eating disorder and they attended to it promptly.
> 
> When I had horse shows, my mom never turned up to support me and now that I think of it, she never went to my school sports events either. She gets irritated with me over tiny things.
> 
> I was the outcast, all because I was an illegitimate child. To make matters worse, my own father abandoned me.
> 
> Well I'm an adult now, so I should make the best of it when I get to the uk and get on with my life.



you have really turned me around, I always blamed my mother for forcing me to do things she wanted instead of letting me do what I want, for example she never allowed me to play outside with other kids instead I got dancing lessons. I never left the house, I was escorted by my mother from the house to the school bus stop and she used to pick me up again from the bus stop. I was always on a strict time table. 
I dint grow up in a very nice neighborhood so I think she new I would get spoilt if I play with them. She was wrong but I can say she did what she thought was right for me, after all she was just 20 years old when she had me, and 18 when she had my elder brother (Muslim girls were married early in those days in India)

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> @Neuk, saw this online - makes a lot of sense regarding toxic relationships.
> 
> https://lessonslearnedinlife.com/en...TZBx63nkaj_RcuEEEtslRaZs7U1nA8BI8WYRSSUhxySls



Thanks @Raindance  I have had a bit of flu the last few days so back at work and catching up with everything.

Reactions: Like 2


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## RainstormZA

Faiyaz Cheulkar said:


> you have really turned me around, I always blamed my mother for forcing me to do things she wanted instead of letting me do what I want, for example she never allowed me to play outside with other kids instead I got dancing lessons. I never left the house, I was escorted by my mother from the house to the school bus stop and she used to pick me up again from the bus stop. I was always on a strict time table.
> I dint grow up in a very nice neighborhood so I think she new I would get spoilt if I play with them. She was wrong but I can say she did what she thought was right for me, after all she was just 20 years old when she had me, and 18 when she had my elder brother (Muslim girls were married early in those days in India)


Yeah that's different. Our mothers were our age once and they know exactly what happens out there. 

I've seen my own friends succumb to alcohol, drugs and smoking from as young as 9. The one was misguided because her dad was an alcoholic and beat on the mother in front of the kids.

But by the time he got sorted, it was kinda too late for her til she met a man who forced her to clean up her life. She's still with him and two kids in high school now.

Her dad had to bail her out of hospital due to alcohol poisoning and her dad only allowed her to call me over for the weekend. Then he asked me to talk some sense into her because she refused to listen to him. All because I never drank or smoked in my teens. I tell you why. I rode horses on weekends and every Saturday I was working at the fire station, training as a junior fire cub with a team of teenage boys. I was even a volunteer assisting the army once a month. 

He was concerned for her but her stubbornness got in the way and I saved her backside many times.

Its different for everyone.

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## Raindance

Neuk said:


> Thanks @Raindance  I have had a bit of flu the last few days so back at work and catching up with everything.


@Neuk, that would be @RainstormZA you need to thank.

Regards

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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> @Neuk, that would be @RainstormZA you need to thank.
> 
> Regards



Dammit  Apologies @Raindance and @RainstormZA, it has been one of those days!

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## Viper_SA

Having a particularly k@k morning, as I am off to hospital for a 24 hour EEG later today, and realizing that no-one will even visit me. My mom has no transport to hospital due to her epilepsy, so I have to gun it alone. Makes me miss having someone special that cares and can be there. On a positive note I saw my cardiologist yesterday, and he is very happy with my improvement since last year and even suggested we skip further appointments as he deems it unnecessary. Lots of other things happening, but I don't want to get too depro discussing it on here. Hope you all have a good day

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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> Having a particularly k@k morning, as I am off to hospital for a 24 hour EEG later today, and realizing that no-one will even visit me. My mom has no transport to hospital due to her epilepsy, so I have to gun it alone. Makes me miss having someone special that cares and can be there. On a positive note I saw my cardiologist yesterday, and he is very happy with my improvement since last year and even suggested we skip further appointments as he deems it unnecessary. Lots of other things happening, but I don't want to get too depro discussing it on here. Hope you all have a good day


As a friend, I would visit if I was closer.

Good luck with the EEG

Reactions: Like 3 | Thanks 1


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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Having a particularly k@k morning, as I am off to hospital for a 24 hour EEG later today, and realizing that no-one will even visit me. My mom has no transport to hospital due to her epilepsy, so I have to gun it alone. Makes me miss having someone special that cares and can be there. On a positive note I saw my cardiologist yesterday, and he is very happy with my improvement since last year and even suggested we skip further appointments as he deems it unnecessary. Lots of other things happening, but I don't want to get too depro discussing it on here. Hope you all have a good day


Good luck with the EEG and great news about the cardiologist. You are in our thoughts.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> @Neuk, saw this online - makes a lot of sense regarding toxic relationships.
> 
> https://lessonslearnedinlife.com/en...TZBx63nkaj_RcuEEEtslRaZs7U1nA8BI8WYRSSUhxySls



Wow  I wish I had read this a few years back, I would not have gotten divorced as I probably would never have gotten married! Making the decision to leave my now ex-wife was one of the toughest decisions I have ever made but we have both moved on and are happier than ever.

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## RainstormZA

Why do those close to you make you feel guilty of something that is beyond your control. 

I have bad teeth, no matter how much effort I put into looking after them. I made an appt and looked at several issues, one being a major rebuilt of one molar.

Still need to do one more and not enough time. My dad looks at me and says it never stops. Like it's my fault. 

Sigh. Now you see why I need to cut off ties with my parents. They are toxic.


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Having a particularly k@k morning, as I am off to hospital for a 24 hour EEG later today, and realizing that no-one will even visit me. My mom has no transport to hospital due to her epilepsy, so I have to gun it alone. Makes me miss having someone special that cares and can be there. On a positive note I saw my cardiologist yesterday, and he is very happy with my improvement since last year and even suggested we skip further appointments as he deems it unnecessary. Lots of other things happening, but I don't want to get too depro discussing it on here. Hope you all have a good day



Good luck with the EEG test bud  Keep us updated...


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## Viper_SA

Thanks peeps. It's my last hope to finding what's wrong with my bloody brain.

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## Raindance

Trying the healthy body, healthy mind approach.

Seems to be working...

Regards

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## Viper_SA

I'm starting my CBD routine tomorrow after the eeg, hopefully that has some positive impact. And before Xmas I need to quit stinkies completely again.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## RenaldoRheeder

Viper_SA said:


> Having a particularly k@k morning, as I am off to hospital for a 24 hour EEG later today, and realizing that no-one will even visit me. My mom has no transport to hospital due to her epilepsy, so I have to gun it alone. Makes me miss having someone special that cares and can be there. On a positive note I saw my cardiologist yesterday, and he is very happy with my improvement since last year and even suggested we skip further appointments as he deems it unnecessary. Lots of other things happening, but I don't want to get too depro discussing it on here. Hope you all have a good day



Best I can do is to keep you in my thoughts mate. You are not alone 


Sent by iDad's iPhone

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## RenaldoRheeder

As scary as it might sound








Sent by iDad's iPhone

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## Christos

@RainstormZA read up about narcissistic personality disorder.

I think you may find your parents have a mental disorder and not you.

Sadly, the best thing to do is cut toxic people out completely and be aware of the guilt factor that they will use to lure you back in. The nice thing about seeing if your mum fits into the narcissistic role is that there is a plethora of information of what to do and how to deal with people of that "class".

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## RainstormZA

Christos said:


> @RainstormZA read up about narcissistic personality disorder.
> 
> I think you may find your parents have a mental disorder and not you.
> 
> Sadly, the best thing to do is cut toxic people out completely and be aware of the guilt factor that they will use to lure you back in. The nice thing about seeing if your mum fits into the narcissistic role is that there is a plethora of information of what to do and how to deal with people of that "class".



Yeah I've suspected it for years. I'm just so thankful for a very supportive psychologist, I can call him anytime I need to. Not that I've done it but knowing someone is there for you at no extra charge is great.

Sadly brother takes after them and my mother isnt the only one. My stepdad also uses sneaky guilt tactics too, took me a while to recognise it. 

And this is why I'm not married with kids, I'm afraid of passing the abuse on them. 

But however I do have an adorable 5 year old nephew who is exactly like me and a niece that just turned 4. I've never smacked them ever and I tell them if they are doing something unacceptable. 

I believe in punishment where there is consequences for bad actions. Like making them wash the wall if they draw on it, for example.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Christos

RainstormZA said:


> Yeah I've suspected it for years. I'm just so thankful for a very supportive psychologist, I can call him anytime I need to. Not that I've done it but knowing someone is there for you at no extra charge is great.
> 
> Sadly brother takes after them and my mother isnt the only one. My stepdad also uses sneaky guilt tactics too, took me a while to recognise it.
> 
> And this is why I'm not married with kids, I'm afraid of passing the abuse on them.
> 
> But however I do have an adorable 5 year old nephew who is exactly like me and a niece that just turned 4. I've never smacked them ever and I tell them if they are doing something unacceptable.
> 
> I believe in punishment where there is consequences for bad actions. Like making them wash the wall if they draw on it, for example.


I do use the idea of consequences for discipline but that seems like common sense to me. I see how others around me "beat" their kids and its often very sad because the parents dont take the time to understand why the child is acting the way it is. Often taking a step back to assess why the child is behaving in a certain manner creates a better understanding and also a more lasting effect when consequences are introduced.
then again what do I know, Ill only be able to give feedback on my methods (success/failure) in roughly 10 years.

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## RainstormZA

Christos said:


> I do use the idea of consequences for discipline but that seems like common sense to me. I see how others around me "beat" their kids and its often very sad because the parents dont take the time to understand why the child is acting the way it is. Often taking a step back to assess why the child is behaving in a certain manner creates a better understanding and also a more lasting effect when consequences are introduced.
> then again what do I know, Ill only be able to give feedback on my methods (success/failure) in roughly 10 years.


Yeah when the kids misbehave they get time out alone. Their mother is a very good mom because she sits with them and the family has a meeting about why it's unacceptable and all that.

The girl had an attitude and used to be difficult. I once asked her if she would like it if someone treated her the way she used to do to her older brother. That attitude changed very quickly and she has respect for him now.

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## Viper_SA

Really losing my shit today


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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> *Picture Snip*
> Trying the healthy body, healthy mind approach.
> 
> Seems to be working...
> 
> Regards



I cannot stress the importance of being as healthy as possible in all aspects of life and the effect it has on your well being, physically, mentally, etc. When I was separated from my ex wife, I had a lot more time to myself and I did a lot of introspection and soul searching, trying to find a constant in my life that I could fixate on instead of the process I was going through which ended up in a divorce. I found that leading as healthy a life as possible helped more than anything else, eating well, limiting alcohol intake, getting adequate sleep/rest, moving/exercising, being social with friends and family, getting outside as much as possible and taking some quite time to reflect on it all. I don't always succeed in all aspects but I do my utmost to try to and the effect it has had on my life is immense...

P.S. I am reading Dr Jordan Petersons '12 Rules For Life' at the moment and he says the first fix he makes with most clinical patients suffering from anxiety and depression. is simply getting them to go to bed and get up on a regular schedule. Just one aspect of treatment but a good place to start...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Really losing my shit today



What is happening bud? How did the tests go? How is the CBD going?


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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> What is happening bud? How did the tests go? How is the CBD going?



Will take about two weeks to get results back. 8000 pages to analyse apparently. CBD is going. Might be overdoing it in the beginning, but it seems to help. Currently weaning off my meds and looking for a new psychiatrist that isn't so pill-happy. Started vaping today as well. Going to try and cut back to minimum on the stinkies for the week and next week take none. Yesterday I was lonely as ****, and just had a bad afternoon in general.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Raindance

Neuk said:


> I don't always succeed in all aspects but I do my utmost to try to and the effect it has had on my life is immense...


That is so true. All the things one tries to avoid when in a low are actually the things you should do to get back up.
During my divorce i joined a hiking group and managed to make it through with no medical intervention of any sort. Ok, a lot of reading and soul searching as well.

At present I am adjusting to living alone again but by remaining active (daily FitBit goals) I actually find myself in a very positive space. This new beginning actually excites me.
Something that has been lying dorment inside me has awoken and I have this impatient desire to make major changes in my life. 

When everything changes, change everything. House, job, car, maybe even country. There is a great big world full of opportunity out there and I’ve been treading water way to long.

Regards

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Winner 2


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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> Yesterday I was lonely as ****, and just had a bad afternoon in general.


I dont want to come across as insensitive. I've been where you are now and overcame it. 

This is where the problem lies here. You CAN'T rely on others to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy from within, inside yourself. The question is how you will achieve it is up to you and only you. 

I see you never took suggestion to start an hobby to keep yourself busy. I taught myself to crochet a year ago and I'm loving it. If you have the funds, study further or something to enhance your job skills. If your mom has a garden, go weed it, it's very therapeutic. Volunteer at a local shelter, now that will be for a good cause if you love animals. 

I play games over the weekend instead of going out. Because I've learnt to love my own space and company. 

I have way too many hobbies and skills because I try to keep myself busy all the time. It helps a lot.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

RainstormZA said:


> I dont want to come across as insensitive. I've been where you are now and overcame it.
> 
> This is where the problem lies here. You CAN'T rely on others to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy from within, inside yourself. The question is how you will achieve it is up to you and only you.
> 
> I see you never took suggestion to start an hobby to keep yourself busy. I taught myself to crochet a year ago and I'm loving it. If you have the funds, study further or something to enhance your job skills. If your mom has a garden, go weed it, it's very therapeutic. Volunteer at a local shelter, now that will be for a good cause if you love animals.
> 
> I play games over the weekend instead of going out. Because I've learnt to love my own space and company.
> 
> I have way too many hobbies and skills because I try to keep myself busy all the time. It helps a lot.



Oh contraire, I have many hobbies. My snakes, my air rifles, my photography, etc. etc. etc. BUT, no amount of hobbies will ever substitute that human connection. I spent all Saturday in my garden, and all Sunday morning ironing and pitstopping all my Reos, but I need more than keeping busy.
I'll just leave this song as a reply:

Reactions: Agree 2 | Winner 1


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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> BUT, no amount of hobbies will ever substitute that human connection.


I say that's also true too but I think each one of us are different when it comes to having friends around.

I'm an introvert so speaking from my own perspective here. To be honest, there's very few people I will let in my circle of friends. And when I count on my fingers of how many true friends I have, it dwindles down to one and she's married with a kid going into high school soon. 

I've had too many "friends" who only use me or want me for something. After 10+ years, I can't stand being around people. 30 mins with kids and I just want to retreat into my safe place. These is my niece and nephew I'm talking about. I love having them around but they can get too much for me after 30 minutes. 

If you crave human contact, a local animal shelter or soup kitchen might want your help. Heck even organising dog walk groups with people might not be such a bad idea.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

RainstormZA said:


> I say that's also true too but I think each one of us are different when it comes to having friends around.
> 
> I'm an introvert so speaking from my own perspective here. To be honest, there's very few people I will let in my circle of friends. And when I count on my fingers of how many true friends I have, it dwindles down to one and she's married with a kid going into high school soon.
> 
> I've had too many "friends" who only use me or want me for something. After 10+ years, I can't stand being around people. 30 mins with kids and I just want to retreat into my safe place. These is my niece and nephew I'm talking about. I love having them around but they can get too much for me after 30 minutes.
> 
> If you crave human contact, a local animal shelter or soup kitchen might want your help. Heck even organising dog walk groups with people might not be such a bad idea.



I was thinking more along the lines of cuddling up on the couch with someone special to watch a movie and smell her freshly shampooed hair

Reactions: Funny 4


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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> I was thinking more along the lines of cuddling up on the couch with someone special to watch a movie and smell her freshly shampooed hair


Lol well take my last suggestion into consideration, you might just find someone along the way. Just don't rush things, just my 2c worth.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

On a positive note just had my 5th stinky for the day, of which 2 were before I left for work at 6am. Pretty proud of myself for the drastic cutback in just one day.

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 5


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## RainstormZA

Well done, @Viper_SA !

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Viper_SA

Rekindled some old friendships, and it's opened up so many doors and given me hope again. Didn't do the scary movie Halloween I had planned, but spent an hour on the phone with an old friend and she really cheered me up. Today turned out to be a good day after all

Reactions: Like 4 | Winner 3


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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Rekindled some old friendships, and it's opened up so many doors and given me hope again. Didn't do the scary movie Halloween I had planned, but spent an hour on the phone with an old friend and she really cheered me up. Today turned out to be a good day after all


Great to hear @Viper_SA , sometimes all a person needs is someone to talk to, and it can be a game changing experience. Keep it up meneer, we are all rooting for you.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

Kinda reminds me of something - a childhood friend messaged me out of the blue and we chatted for several days. She had just gotten her divorce through and it was really nice to hear from her as we've known each other since we were 12. 

Then a while later, I got a friend request from her. We went down memory lane with her older sister. 

How old friendships make a full circle turn back. Those are the ones that never die, dormant yes but never die.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Will take about two weeks to get results back. 8000 pages to analyse apparently. CBD is going. Might be overdoing it in the beginning, but it seems to help. Currently weaning off my meds and looking for a new psychiatrist that isn't so pill-happy. Started vaping today as well. Going to try and cut back to minimum on the stinkies for the week and next week take none. Yesterday I was lonely as ****, and just had a bad afternoon in general.



It can be frustrating waiting for test results, my girlfriend has had multiple blood tests the last few weeks, waiting for the last round which was done on Tuesday. Good luck with them!

How is the CBD going? I wouldn't have recommended weening yourself off of medication without consulting a medical professional but I am all for looking for non heavy medical type solutions.

Good luck with the cigarettes!


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Rekindled some old friendships, and it's opened up so many doors and given me hope again. Didn't do the scary movie Halloween I had planned, but spent an hour on the phone with an old friend and she really cheered me up. Today turned out to be a good day after all



Good to hear bud  Keep looking for the little rays of sunshine...


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## Dela Rey Steyn

just "found" this thread today, and so happy I did! I love the initiative, more often than not its easier to talk and open up to "strangers" rather than the one close to us, because we mostly feel that we don't want to "burden" those around us with our troubles. Talking about our feelings and troubles is 80% of the battle in my mind, because once it has been spoken about it is easier to address the issue, its been acknowledged. To each and everyone on this thread, those that come to lay themselves bare and those that provide a willing ear and advice, thank you for this platform

Reactions: Like 3 | Winner 2


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## Neuk

Dela Rey Steyn said:


> just "found" this thread today, and so happy I did! I love the initiative, more often than not its easier to talk and open up to "strangers" rather than the one close to us, because we mostly feel that we don't want to "burden" those around us with our troubles. Talking about our feelings and troubles is 80% of the battle in my mind, because once it has been spoken about it is easier to address the issue, its been acknowledged. To each and everyone on this thread, those that come to lay themselves bare and those that provide a willing ear and advice, thank you for this platform



Welcome to the thread, share away, or sit back and read others that do  There is also a WhatsApp group if you are interested.

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 1 | Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

Getting my EEG results later today. Will keep you guys updated if anything of note unfolds.

Reactions: Like 3


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## RainstormZA

So last night my dad tries it with me. I mean it's not the first time, he carries on about how in a year's time my parents may be dead and I have no one to help me. Blah blah blah.

Short of manipulating me, I feel it was disrespectful the way he spoke to me. I don't need him repeating that sh1t to me. I'm not stupid, i'm aware of my need to study and try pass my security certification exam. 

I wish that there was someone to stand up to him and tell him what he is really doing to me - instead of encouraging me, he's degrading and putting me down as worthless. 

My mom knows it's getting to me but she won't do anything about it.

I'm kind of losing it a bit, very close to losing my patience and my temper with him.

Any advice?


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## Dela Rey Steyn

Viper_SA said:


> Getting my EEG results later today. Will keep you guys updated if anything of note unfolds.


Good Luck and keep us posted!


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## vicTor

RainstormZA said:


> So last night my dad tries it with me. I mean it's not the first time, he carries on about how in a year's time my parents may be dead and I have no one to help me. Blah blah blah.
> 
> Short of manipulating me, I feel it was disrespectful the way he spoke to me. I don't need him repeating that sh1t to me. I'm not stupid, i'm aware of my need to study and try pass my security certification exam.
> 
> I wish that there was someone to stand up to him and tell him what he is really doing to me - instead of encouraging me, he's degrading and putting me down as worthless.
> 
> My mom knows it's getting to me but she won't do anything about it.
> 
> I'm kind of losing it a bit, very close to losing my patience and my temper with him.
> 
> Any advice?



I would say study harder, use that anger as determination, then wave your certification in his face when you get it

strong's

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Thanks 1


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## Dela Rey Steyn

RainstormZA said:


> So last night my dad tries it with me. I mean it's not the first time, he carries on about how in a year's time my parents may be dead and I have no one to help me. Blah blah blah.
> 
> Short of manipulating me, I feel it was disrespectful the way he spoke to me. I don't need him repeating that sh1t to me. I'm not stupid, i'm aware of my need to study and try pass my security certification exam.
> 
> I wish that there was someone to stand up to him and tell him what he is really doing to me - instead of encouraging me, he's degrading and putting me down as worthless.
> 
> My mom knows it's getting to me but she won't do anything about it.
> 
> I'm kind of losing it a bit, very close to losing my patience and my temper with him.
> 
> Any advice?



My heart bleeds for you @RainstormZA, 

I struggled with my "UBER-ALPHA MALE" Military father for years. My situation worked itself out (sort off) as I became older and I myself became comfortable with my role as Husband and "head of household". Father /Daughter relationships are supposed to be such a special bond and I can only imagine the emotional pain that this is putting you through.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

Thanks @vicTor that's pretty good solid advice.

Yeah I went and asked my mom if she wanted me to waste about R2000 worth on an exam that I may barely pass or fail. I failed the first one because I got pushed around to writing it and told her I need a bit more time to get it all in my head. It's way bigger than the A+.

She said OK I have til mid of January to get myself sorted for both N+ and security+. And the reason is because they away for 2 months starting next week Thurs.

More than enough time to get my sh1t together.


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## RainstormZA

Oh by the way @Dela Rey Steyn I was at a client of my mom's yesterday. Not sure why we were there but somehow I managed to figure it out while I was there.

My mom asked my dad to come sort some hardware related issues with pc equipment and WiFi connection. 

Makes one think - why didn't she ask me? And with dad's prissy attitude, I even offered to help because of my experience and being a qualified A+ technician, he ignored me flat and waved me off. 

What kind of parents are they to treat me like this? 

Then later, I offered to help the client sort his label printing machine (he's a potato farmer) and not very technical with pc stuff, all via remote access and WhatsApp if he doesn't come right with it himself. He said he will call me if he gets stuck and appreciates the gesture. Just so he knows I'm available to assist him.

Speaking of online support, makes the perfect skill set to assist the deaf as I'm deaf myself and rely on written communication.


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## Dela Rey Steyn

Were you born Deaf @RainstormZA ? It seems like your Father can't accept/resents your disability. Almost like he blames himself and then takes it out on you: 


RainstormZA said:


> he carries on about how in a year's time my parents may be dead and I have no one to help me.



In my mind, that sort of "aggressive concern" statements stem mainly from feelings of inadequacy

Reactions: Agree 1


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## RainstormZA

Dela Rey Steyn said:


> Were you born Deaf @RainstormZA ? It seems like your Father can't accept/resents your disability. Almost like he blames himself and then takes it out on you:
> 
> 
> In my mind, that sort of "aggressive concern" statements stem mainly from feelings of inadequacy


More like he thinks I'm stupid and is above me. I'm the common trash to him.


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## Dela Rey Steyn

RainstormZA said:


> More like he thinks I'm stupid and is above me. I'm the common trash to him.



I honestly think the fault lies with him, its seems like he can't accept that he "made" a "Faulty Child" (*In his eyes*. You are *NOT* faulty, a fault or broken, you are human, you are woman, you are strong  ) and unfortunately, until he comes to grips with that himself, he will struggle to accept you (his loss IMO) Your best way forward i would think is, to as @vicTor said, use your anger/sadness to help motivate you and elevate yourself above his negativity. Do not see it as working towards his acceptance, but rather to your personal growth.

Reactions: Winner 1


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## RainstormZA

Actually, @Dela Rey Steyn I need to correct something here - I call him my dad because he's been my dad since I was 3. My own father abandoned me, and I have not seen him in over 10 years. My mom said it's very sad because she wished I could have had better than that. Long story short, I was an an illegitimate child. I mean I grew up with a lot of anger because i was abandoned and lied to along the way but since I hit 25, I decided to do something instead of feeling sorry for myself. I studied and became a technician - worked for a company for 6 months in the workshop and then started working my way up with two others.

Unfortunately, in this country, there is a lot of discrimination being shared around - not everyone wants to employ a deaf person. That's why I'm going to the UK and they hold the strings in getting me there but there's a lot of manipulation going on. Saying if I don't get my certifications or pass, I won't be going. For me, that is just disrespectful. If they want me to get a better life, then they should be more encouraging and positive instead of being manipulative and negative. So I'm in a bind here, I can't just do something that might jeopardize my chances of going to the UK. 

I mean all the jobs offered as desktop support technicians are telephonic. Where is the support for the deaf people? No one cares really, except me. The UK has much more and much better opportunities for me so I really need to do this. Just their lack of respect grating on my nerves now and I'm on the edge at the moment. 

Like @vicTor said, use my anger constructively and get my life ahead then I can give them the finger after I've paid everything off. I just gotta suck it up.

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 2


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## Dela Rey Steyn

RainstormZA said:


> I call him my dad because he's been my dad since I was 3



Then I think he is just a distasteful person 

Yes South Africa is really far behind the rest of the world when it comes to the differently-able work market.

My wish for you is success in your studies and a good opportunity abroad.

You don't have to "Suck it up", nobody deserves that kind of treatment, from anybody

Stay strong

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

Dela Rey Steyn said:


> You don't have to "Suck it up", nobody deserves that kind of treatment, from anybody


That's the issue - I get threatened. 

Not cool, I agree but what can I do right now?


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## jm10

RainstormZA said:


> That's the issue - I get threatened.
> 
> Not cool, I agree but what can I do right now?



Is there a reason why you put up with that crap, is it not possible to move out on your own. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Reactions: Like 1


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## RainstormZA

jm10 said:


> Is there a reason why you put up with that crap, is it not possible to move out on your own.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Lost my job a few years back and I've not been able to find a 8-5 job since then. I'm mostly on a day-to-day basis work and not even enough to live on my own.


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## jm10

RainstormZA said:


> Lost my job a few years back and I've not been able to find a 8-5 job since then. I'm mostly on a day-to-day basis work and not even enough to live on my own.



Ah that sucks and makes sense now, its hard when your backed into a corner. A piece of advice then, i went from the accounting field into fire protection, don’t just job hunt in your field, send your cv to every other job ad to. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RainstormZA

jm10 said:


> Ah that sucks and makes sense now, its hard when your backed into a corner. A piece of advice then, i went from the accounting field into fire protection, don’t just job hunt in your field, send your cv to every other job ad to.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah I do filing every month and the little bit helps. Unfortunately my mother is retiring so there won't be any more work for me.

I know the bookkeeper that used to work with my mom hired me to do filing for several companies - my mom said she's not too sure if she wants me to continue or how I'm going to get there if that happens. I'm sure we can make a plan though. I get paid by the hour so really not much if I do only one hour to be honest and won't be worth the fuel trip for a small amount of work. 

And I've been told I do a good job of filing papers. So thinking locally - maybe spread the word as a lot of people hate filing. I really don't mind it.

Reactions: Like 2


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## RainstormZA



Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

Dela Rey Steyn said:


> Good Luck and keep us posted!



So, apparently my EEG is normal and within limits. 
It's good news, but I was secretly hoping for _something _that would explain the shift in my behavior and mental health over the last 3 years.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> So, apparently my EEG is normal and within limits.
> It's good news, but I was secretly hoping for _something _that would explain the shift in my behavior and mental health over the last 3 years.


Yeah it happens, both of mine came up normal too. Had one when I was about 5 and last one at 17. 

Didn't even pick up my epilepsy either. Apparently simple partial and complex partial seizures can cause behaviour changes. Ive been mainly seizure free for nearly 3 years, thanks to the use of cbd oil. 

Keep looking for the source cause and don't give up @Viper_SA

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Dela Rey Steyn

Viper_SA said:


> So, apparently my EEG is normal and within limits.
> It's good news, but I was secretly hoping for _something _that would explain the shift in my behavior and mental health over the last 3 years.



That good news Man! You will find what you are looking for, remember everything that its not, is something that can atleast be ruled out

Reactions: Agree 1 | Thanks 1


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## Dela Rey Steyn

How has your day been so far @RainstormZA ? how's the study for the N+ coming?


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## RainstormZA

Dela Rey Steyn said:


> How has your day been so far @RainstormZA ? how's the study for the N+ coming?


I decided to take a day off and carry on over the weekend. You mean the Security+? Yeah I'm making some good progress though, I've found a easier way to study and run stimulation tests in between subjects.

I harvested some garden herbs to dry in the oven and distill the dried matter into pg for natural soap making - both for scent and colouring.

It's Christmas gifts for the family. The glycerin melt N pour soap per kg is very cheap so I'm gonna grab the opportunity while I can as I've always wanted to make soap for a long time now.

Seeing I can get a lot of 100g soap bars, I'll send a few to my uncle and his gf too.

There's a 1 month old baby, four young kids under 6, my two brothers and their wives. Plus my mother.

I'm avoiding my stepdad, he's not been in a good mood lately. And the dog entertains me big time - she's 15 and still loves to play.

Thanks for asking @Dela Rey Steyn

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

It has been too long, I forget to check this forum as I no longer vape, so I am catching up on this thread. It has great to see it is still being used to share...

Reactions: Like 2


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## Viper_SA

Finally got my meds down to the volumes where a change-over would be minimal and seeing a new psychiatrist tomorrow. This time I have a psychologist report to back up my treatment plan, so it should go well. Been rough scaling down my meds, but I think it will have been worth it in the end.

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## Raindance

Been doing the "healthy body, healthy mind" thing for about five weeks now. Seems to work as I've been able to keep the dog at bay despite some setbacks that would have gotten to me otherwise.

Lost six kilo's in the same period. A lot more energy and feeling rather optimistic overall.

Not actually working hard at it. Just making sure I do at least 10 000 steps a day (Averaging about 13K), half an hour to an hour light exercise per day (Five day's a week) and watching those carbs.

Really great returns for minimal effort. Endorphins are a great anti depressant and free to boot.

Regards

P.S. Anyone using the Fitbit app?

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 5


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## RainstormZA

Raindance said:


> Been doing the "healthy body, healthy mind" thing for about five weeks now. Seems to work as I've been able to keep the dog at bay despite some setbacks that would have gotten to me otherwise.
> 
> Lost six kilo's in the same period. A lot more energy and feeling rather optimistic overall.
> 
> Not actually working hard at it. Just making sure I do at least 10 000 steps a day (Averaging about 13K), half an hour to an hour light exercise per day (Five day's a week) and watching those carbs.
> 
> Really great returns for minimal effort. Endorphins are a great anti depressant and free to boot.
> 
> Regards
> 
> P.S. Anyone using the Fitbit app?


Yeah I ran into a problem. Slowly but surely I was getting put off by animal products. First started with the eggs, everyone started joking saying it's because they're from our own hens but I have no problem with them in other foods like banana bread or savoury meals like baked quiches or muffins.

Then the bacon made it to my despised food list. Now it's meat except tinned tuna.

I went and got a bunch of fruit and veggies on special. Made myself a carrot and orange smoothie - couldn't believe how good it tastes. I have a big tub of fruit salad to eat from and frozen pineapples for those hot days.

Thinking of doing a veggie stir-fry for dinner tomorrow night.

And it feels good to go 95% meat free and low carb. I'm not even craving bread at all.

Reactions: Like 4


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## Raindance

Raindance said:


> Been doing the "healthy body, healthy mind" thing for about five weeks now. Seems to work as I've been able to keep the dog at bay despite some setbacks that would have gotten to me otherwise.
> 
> Lost six kilo's in the same period. A lot more energy and feeling rather optimistic overall.
> 
> Not actually working hard at it. Just making sure I do at least 10 000 steps a day (Averaging about 13K), half an hour to an hour light exercise per day (Five day's a week) and watching those carbs.
> 
> Really great returns for minimal effort. Endorphins are a great anti depressant and free to boot.
> 
> Regards
> 
> P.S. Anyone using the Fitbit app?


Aaand! I forgot the most important part. Getting into a steady sleep routine. Aiming at seven hours a night and almost getting there.



Regards

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 4


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Finally got my meds down to the volumes where a change-over would be minimal and seeing a new psychiatrist tomorrow. This time I have a psychologist report to back up my treatment plan, so it should go well. Been rough scaling down my meds, but I think it will have been worth it in the end.



That is great new @Viper_SA  I know it has been a rough journey for you but I am really glad that you stuck it out! Please keep us updated as much as possible...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> Been doing the "healthy body, healthy mind" thing for about five weeks now. Seems to work as I've been able to keep the dog at bay despite some setbacks that would have gotten to me otherwise.
> 
> Lost six kilo's in the same period. A lot more energy and feeling rather optimistic overall.
> 
> Not actually working hard at it. Just making sure I do at least 10 000 steps a day (Averaging about 13K), half an hour to an hour light exercise per day (Five day's a week) and watching those carbs.
> 
> Really great returns for minimal effort. Endorphins are a great anti depressant and free to boot.
> 
> Regards
> 
> P.S. Anyone using the Fitbit app?



I have almost preached this for a few years after learning how much exercise, diet, rest, social interaction, etc. affects my mental state after separating from and then getting divorced from my now ex wife. I have my ups and downs and still struggle with adequate rest which has a huge affect on my mental state but I am at least a lot more aware of it and the effect it has on me. I exercise a few times a week, mountain biking on weekends, weight training at gym during the week and walking with my girlfriend and rescue cocker spaniel during the week. During the week, with the exception of dinners, I eat a somewhat strict diet that has plenty of vegetables, meat and only brown rice for carbs. I try get in to bed at a reasonable time so I get 8 hours of sleep before I wake up at 05:30 and try meditate as much as possible although it has been a challenge this year.

It is still a challenge at times but I am in a far better place than I was a few years ago and I will continue to 'preach' the benefits of looking after yourself from a diet, exercise, social interaction, sunlight, rest, etc. point of view and it's benefits.

P.S. Forgot to add, I use an iPhone, so use their built in Health and Activity app in combination with my Apple Watch and then Strava when I am on my bike.

Reactions: Like 4 | Winner 1


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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Yeah I ran into a problem. Slowly but surely I was getting put off by animal products. First started with the eggs, everyone started joking saying it's because they're from our own hens but I have no problem with them in other foods like banana bread or savoury meals like baked quiches or muffins.
> 
> Then the bacon made it to my despised food list. Now it's meat except tinned tuna.
> 
> I went and got a bunch of fruit and veggies on special. Made myself a carrot and orange smoothie - couldn't believe how good it tastes. I have a big tub of fruit salad to eat from and frozen pineapples for those hot days.
> 
> Thinking of doing a veggie stir-fry for dinner tomorrow night.
> 
> And it feels good to go 95% meat free and low carb. I'm not even craving bread at all.



Any particular reason animal products put you off?

Reactions: Like 1


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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> Any particular reason animal products put you off?


I have absolutely no idea why, the smell of it makes me nauseous. Very strange, I agree.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> I have absolutely no idea why, the smell of it makes me nauseous. Very strange, I agree.



Not really strange, tastes can change as we get older.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> Not really strange, tastes can change as we get older.


Thanks, that makes sense. The only thing I can stomach is scrambled eggs but that's like once a month. And then eggs to make custard is awesome - good old fashioned egg custard. My mom is the same but not with taste, only smell. Mine is both. 

I used to hate muesli, now I love it toasted with honey and nuts. I guess it's my body's way of getting me to eat better.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Thanks, that makes sense. The only thing I can stomach is scrambled eggs but that's like once a month. And then eggs to make custard is awesome - good old fashioned egg custard. My mom is the same but not with taste, only smell. Mine is both.
> 
> I used to hate muesli, now I love it toasted with honey and nuts. I guess it's my body's way of getting me to eat better.



You learn as you get older what your body needs and what makes your feel healthier. It is not the same for everyone, my preference is for LCHF foods.

Reactions: Thanks 1


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## Neuk

Neuk said:


> I have almost preached this for a few years after learning how much exercise, diet, rest, social interaction, etc. affects my mental state after separating from and then getting divorced from my now ex wife. I have my ups and downs and still struggle with adequate rest which has a huge affect on my mental state but I am at least a lot more aware of it and the effect it has on me. I exercise a few times a week, mountain biking on weekends, weight training at gym during the week and walking with my girlfriend and rescue cocker spaniel during the week. During the week, with the exception of dinners, I eat a somewhat strict diet that has plenty of vegetables, meat and only brown rice for carbs. I try get in to bed at a reasonable time so I get 8 hours of sleep before I wake up at 05:30 and try meditate as much as possible although it has been a challenge this year.
> 
> It is still a challenge at times but I am in a far better place than I was a few years ago and I will continue to 'preach' the benefits of looking after yourself from a diet, exercise, social interaction, sunlight, rest, etc. point of view and it's benefits.
> 
> P.S. Forgot to add, I use an iPhone, so use their built in Health and Activity app in combination with my Apple Watch and then Strava when I am on my bike.



And I am still learning...

The last few nights I have not slept well at all, mostly due to early morning thundershowers keeping me awake and last night as I had a whisky too many. I know that sleep affects my mental state, so today I am not in the best place but luckily I am cognisant of this and do my best to manage it during the day. I don't always succeed, my Mediterranean temper gets the better of me some times but I soldier on as best I can...

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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> And I am still learning...
> 
> The last few nights I have not slept well at all, mostly due to early morning thundershowers keeping me awake and last night as I had a whisky too many. I know that sleep affects my mental state, so today I am not in the best place but luckily I am cognisant of this and do my best to manage it during the day. I don't always succeed, my Mediterranean temper gets the better of me some times but I soldier on as best I can...


Same here , not sleeping well for the last three nights.


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## Christos

Raindance said:


> Aaand! I forgot the most important part. Getting into a steady sleep routine. Aiming at seven hours a night and almost getting there.
> 
> View attachment 152313
> 
> Regards


Never underestimate a good night's sleep with regular sleep routine .

I've had 8 hours total sleep this week and can feel things are fraying at the seams.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Raindance

Christos said:


> Never underestimate a good night's sleep with regular sleep routine .
> 
> I've had 8 hours total sleep this week and can feel things are fraying at the seams.


Eisch!

I’ve had average 7 and did a career kamakazi today... 

Rather not talk about it.

Regards

Reactions: Like 1


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## jm10

Raindance said:


> Eisch!
> 
> I’ve had average 7 and did a career kamakazi today...
> 
> Rather not talk about it.
> 
> Regards



Sorry to heat mate, we all have our breaking point.

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## RainstormZA

Sorry for the blonde moment, what does career kamikaze mean?

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## Raindance

RainstormZA said:


> Sorry for the blonde moment, what does career kamikaze mean?


Telling the big boss he can find another dishcloth, this one realises unemployment is better than working for a doos. Still awaiting his answer. Joke is I meant it.

Regards

Reactions: Agree 2


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## jm10

Raindance said:


> Telling the big boss he can find another dishcloth, this one realises unemployment is better than working for a doos. Still awaiting his answer. Joke is I meant it.
> 
> Regards



Yeah thats blowing your top right there, 

I once sat down with my boss after a college and i fought(lots of loud adult words), we spoke about my frustrations and why the event happened and we spoke frank...... a week later i was dismissed after hearings and blah blah blah.

Moral of the story is i dont regret it cause it took me out of my comfort zone i was stuck in with a bunch of unless uneducated pricks.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## RainstormZA

Ouch. When I was working for this prick, one of his ***** workers caused trouble and he sided with her despite the supervisor stating it wasn't my fault.

I said to him he's not the nice person that I grew up with and that he has become this bitter @ssh0le that is unpleasant to work for. Then I walked out of the job. Three days later he asked me if I would come back and I said no. He has known me from when I was 10 til in my late 20's. Never ever went back and got a better paying job a few months later.

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## Viper_SA

Hi all, thought I'd pop in and say "Hi". Having a bit of a bad day, as my late father would have turned 73 today and I can't believe he's been gone for 12 years. The festive season generally gets to me, but I thought today, instead of complaining and such, I'd rather give thanks for what IS right in my life.
I'm lucky to have a mother that loves me, a father in heaven watching over me, the best dog in the world and shelter and food. I thank Lord Jesus for giving me strength to face each new day and even though some days I barely make it to my evening meds and go to bed at 18:00, it's still a victory. I'm just over 2 months sober, and proud of myself for having the courage to quit drinking again.

May all of you find the strength to make it through today and stand triumphant at the end of it.
Much blessings

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 7


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## RainstormZA

That is awesome news @Viper_SA 

I bought some stuff for a photo shoot and a small bottle of spiced gold rum was one of the items.

I was not even tempted to take a sip, knowing I would lose control. I put it in my dad's alcohol cupboard and forgot about it. Kept the chocolate and mint candies. 

It takes a lot of courage to avoid things that can have a negative impact the most. 

I find I'm much happier working in the garden like I did this week, with my happy flowers blooming in large masses.

Here's a few to share - my Zephyr rain lilies.

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## RainstormZA

My flowers bloomed this morning after some rain overnight.

Reactions: Like 3 | Winner 1


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## Raindance

Feeling exceptionally lonely tonight. I generally like my solitude but at times....

Regards

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## Room Fogger

Raindance said:


> Feeling exceptionally lonely tonight. I generally like my solitude but at times....
> 
> Regards


Sometimes you just need to know there is another person on the planet.  Welcome to earth.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Viper_SA

Raindance said:


> Feeling exceptionally lonely tonight. I generally like my solitude but at times....
> 
> Regards


Sray strong and hang in there, tomorrow is a new day and the sun WILL shine once more

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## Neuk

I finally logged on here after not doing so for a while and have been sitting in front of my keyboard not knowing what to type in response to what has been shared. I have been going through an up and down time the last few months, today is another down day where I am tired after not sleeping well at all last night. I know that I will eventually feel better and I know what I need to do to make sure I feel better in the future but it is still a struggle...

Good luck to you and your struggle, you can overcome it, like I will mine. Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other...

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## Viper_SA

Some days it's all right if all did was breathe and survive. I'm having one of those days. How's eryone else doing? Thread seems to have gone quite quiet lately.

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## RainstormZA

Raindance said:


> Feeling exceptionally lonely tonight. I generally like my solitude but at times....
> 
> Regards


Yeah from time to time, I get struck by an epiphany of magnimous proportions. 

It took me a long time to.overcome my fear of death. Yet, somehow I'm hit home with the persepective that I may not be around to see my brother's kids grow up.

Or how my gran would have loved this, that or those if she was still around. She always announces her presence in the form of a butterfly...

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## Viper_SA

Finally knocked off work and have some downtime until Thursday, then it's back to the grind again. I wish it was the 3rd of January already. I hate the festive season. My dad's birthday was on the 14th, and he passed away in January, so it's a shitty time of year for me. This year, around midyear I had an early Christmas gift, but sadly that didn't stick. All I can do is trudge on and hope for the best. Merry Christmas to you all and much thanks for being there whenever I needed to vent. I know I am on some people's ignore list, but I hope and pray that my best wishes and prayers reach them too.

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 2


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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Finally knocked off work and have some downtime until Thursday, then it's back to the grind again. I wish it was the 3rd of January already. I hate the festive season. My dad's birthday was on the 14th, and he passed away in January, so it's a shitty time of year for me. This year, around midyear I had an early Christmas gift, but sadly that didn't stick. All I can do is trudge on and hope for the best. Merry Christmas to you all and much thanks for being there whenever I needed to vent. I know I am on some people's ignore list, but I hope and pray that my best wishes and prayers reach them too.


A very Merry Christmas to you too @Viper_SA , and all the best for 2019. May all your dreams come to fruition.

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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Finally knocked off work and have some downtime until Thursday, then it's back to the grind again. I wish it was the 3rd of January already. I hate the festive season. My dad's birthday was on the 14th, and he passed away in January, so it's a shitty time of year for me. This year, around midyear I had an early Christmas gift, but sadly that didn't stick. All I can do is trudge on and hope for the best. Merry Christmas to you all and much thanks for being there whenever I needed to vent. I know I am on some people's ignore list, but I hope and pray that my best wishes and prayers reach them too.


Hey boet, sometimes being kicked in the gnads is a good thing. You bend down in agony but the bullet headed for your head misses you. As my buddy Mick says, sometimes not getting what you want is the best thing that could happen to you. You might not get what you want but do receive what you need.

Dont ask me, I’m just commiting plagearism here...

Regards and strength buddy!

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## Viper_SA

So, I made it through Christmas! Even without a stinky. I just wish I had someone to really talk to today to help calm my anxiety and racing thoughts. I miss having a favorite person, those of you that struggle with bpd will know what I mean.

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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> So, I made it through Christmas! Even without a stinky. I just wish I had someone to really talk to today to help calm my anxiety and racing thoughts. I miss having a favorite person, those of you that struggle with bpd will know what I mean.


If you made it this far you will make it all the way my friend. Was my first xmas alone as well. Had to keep from having those destructive thoughts because they would have dragged me down. Focused on the positives of being completely free and only accountable to myself instead. For every con there is a pro and for every pro there is a con. It's a question of perspective.

Regards

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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> So, I made it through Christmas! Even without a stinky. I just wish I had someone to really talk to today to help calm my anxiety and racing thoughts. I miss having a favorite person, those of you that struggle with bpd will know what I mean.


Great news @Viper_SA , congratulations on not giving in and having a stinkie. Great milestone reached in your journey.

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## RainstormZA

Raindance said:


> If you made it this far you will make it all the way my friend. Was my first xmas alone as well. Had to keep from having those destructive thoughts because they would have dragged me down. Focused on the positives of being completely free and only accountable to myself instead. For every con there is a pro and for every pro there is a con. It's a question of perspective.
> 
> Regards


Agreed, not my first time spending Xmas alone but I loved every minute of it. No Christmas tree, decorations, nothing this time. It was stress free, wait I lie, I had to deal with a rinkhals yesterday. I can't get over how close it was to me... Usually we get 4 a year and this is the first one. There's more coming. 

I'm just thankful my dog never got bitten - apparently she can't see properly (old age) so it was a good thing as she has had cobras spit in her face so many times when she was younger. We still have the snake kit for our dog as an emergency so thankful not having to use it. Apparently it's painful and leaves eyes swollen for 3 days but not lethal, the vet prescribed ointment in the emergency kit helps a lot. 

Though I wouldn't mind if it was a red lipped herald, not a rinkhals.

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## Viper_SA

RainstormZA said:


> Agreed, not my first time spending Xmas alone but I loved every minute of it. No Christmas tree, decorations, nothing this time. It was stress free, wait I lie, I had to deal with a rinkhals yesterday. I can't get over how close it was to me... Usually we get 4 a year and this is the first one. There's more coming.
> 
> I'm just thankful my dog never got bitten - apparently she can't see properly (old age) so it was a good thing as she has had cobras spit in her face so many times when she was younger. We still have the snake kit for our dog as an emergency so thankful not having to use it. Apparently it's painful and leaves eyes swollen for 3 days but not lethal, the vet prescribed ointment in the emergency kit helps a lot.
> 
> Though I wouldn't mind if it was a red lipped herald, not a rinkhals.



I love Rinkhals, they are so awesome.

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## Raindance

Daar's skimme, op donker balkonne,
Met lëe, oop koffers wat wag
Daar's skimme, op skemer perronne,
Wat wag op 'n trein na die dag

Weerlose, weerlose mense
Op reis van perron na perron
In 'n middernagland
Sonder grense of tyd
En 'n ewigheid ver van die son, van die son
En 'n ewigheid ver van die son

Daar's skimme, gewikkel in jasse
Verskans teen die winde van ys
Daar's skimme, met kiste soos tasse,
Vol drome gepak vir die reis

Weerlose, weerlose mense
Op reis van perron na perron
In 'n middernagland
Sonder grense of tyd
En 'n ewigheid ver van die son, van die son
En 'n ewigheid ver van die son

(Koos du Plessis)

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## Viper_SA

and like a blinding realisation it hit me....!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Raindance

Angels
Robbie Williams
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old
'Cause I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall 
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call, she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall 
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call, she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

Reactions: Like 1 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

*"Behind Blue Eyes"*

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

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## Viper_SA

I have come to the conclusion that I need 3 things desperately. Money, leave days and a vacation at the coast. Now if only I could get the 1st two sorted, the 3rd might be an option, even if it means going on holiday all alone

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## Viper_SA

Having an off night. At least I know what triggered it. Slowly starting to learn more about myself in therapy. She's been scratching at old wounds I'd forgotten I had, so it's painful, but worthwhile. But I'm not ready or in a space where I'd share those things on a public platform. Suffice to say its really personal and I never thought it played a part in my life at 41 years old. As they say, hindsight is always 20/20. Sometimes you have to step back to see the full picture. Which is kind of like tonight; I know I feel off and won't get anything productive done, so I double dropped my sleeping tablets and in a while I'll drift off to sweet oblivion and rise tomorrow to continue the fight. And realising that it's okay to sometimes feel overwhelmed and "run" away for a bit. 
Much blessing to you all, and thank you for taking the time to read my post, and others like it.

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## Moerse Rooikat

i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud , 
on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
i feel lost 
need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there

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## RenaldoRheeder

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there



Mate, hang in there. Nothing that I can say will take the hurt away or make your loss less, but we are there for you. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many. We mourn with you. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Moerse Rooikat

RenaldoRheeder said:


> Mate, hang in there. Nothing that I can say will take the hurt away or make your loss less, but we are there for you. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many. We mourn with you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


thank you you are helping allot 
and all in group thank you so much all

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## Christos

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there


My condolences.
You don't have to be the best person right now but try be the person she would have wanted you to be.

You are in our thoughts and please remember if you need anything please put your pride aside and ask as there is a whole group of people that would do whatever they can.

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## Silver

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there



Oh no @Moerse Rooikat 
So sorry 

I cannot even imagine what you are going through...

Wishing you all the strength and courage

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## antonherbst

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there



Ons het al gechat en buddy ek wil net se jy weet waar om my te kry. In die tyd moet jy soos Christos gese het weet dat hier is mense wat jou sal help en sal luister en sal help waar ons kan. Baie sterkte vir jou en die vamilie.

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## Hooked

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there



@Moerse Rooikat I am so, so sorry to hear this. I simply can not imagine what you are going through. 

I wish you strength in coping with your loss.

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## vicTor

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there



as I said to you this morning, be strong, our thoughts are with you and your family

Reactions: Like 4 | Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there


Strongs mate. As Anton said in his reply, we're all here for you

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## RainstormZA

Ag nee man. My condolences to you @Moerse Rooikat

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## Room Fogger

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there


Condolences to you and your family, be strong meneer. As the rest of the group has said, remember we are there for you and you will be in our thoughts and prayers.

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## Viper_SA

So, I've learned that other people can't make me happy and be my crutch, that I have to be happy on my own to succeed in any relationship, but man today I need a hug and just someone that whispers "everything will be okay eventually" and just to know there is someone beside me

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## Viper_SA

All the best to everyone on this thread for 2019. Chin up, one foot in front of the other, and eyes on the prize. Remember, lions aren't bothered by the opinion of sheep. Find your inner lion and run with it.

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## Spyro

Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there



My friend I am not Afrikaans and I don't know you very well - but you helped me out many, many times when I was in need and you had no idea who I was. You taught me how to build coils, you traded mods with me and one day I was stuck you handed me full roll of wire. It was such an honour to meet your wife on that one occasion and I still see your WhatsApp status updates and they are truly heartbreaking. I'd just like to let you know if there is anything at all that you need. Any type of help or errands or what have you, please don't hesitate to contact me. Send a PM if you don't remember my Cell. Wishing you all the best. I hope you make it through this nightmare .

C

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## Faiyaz Cheulkar

@Moerse Rooikat I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and I wish you strength.

Reactions: Like 3 | Thanks 1


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## Adephi

Pearl Jam

"Inside Job"

Underneath this smile Lies everything
All my hopes, anger, pride and shame

Make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today,... I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well,...

I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in

Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all human light

How I choose to feel is how I am
How I choose to feel is how I am

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul

Again.

Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again

Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

Oh, life comes from within your heart and desire
Oh, life comes from within my heart and desire
Oh, life comes from within your heart and desire

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## Neuk

I am slowly catching up on this thread but hope that all have had a good start to 2019. I no longer set NY resolutions for various reasons, but came across this which has so many great points...



@Viper_SA, @Raindance and @RainstormZA - Great to see you fighting the good fight!



Moerse Rooikat said:


> i have to get this out. need to start saying it out loud ,
> on the 27 dec my wife past away, my best friend the only one that coed understand
> i feel lost
> need to stay out of the rabid hole, but it looks so nice down there



I have no words and if I did they would never be enough, my sincerest condolences

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## RainstormZA

You know, I had a bad day last week. I went and messaged my mom why the family makes me feel like I'm a total useless person and that the way they look at me like I'm inferior to them. Like they are better than me. 

I think it got the message across because my parents entrust the care of the farm to me and instead of asking me, they ask my brother to do stuff that I am more than capable of doing. So in short, i'm not trustworthy in their eyes. 

Yes I've made some stupid mistakes in the past and it took all my strength to change my bad habits. I haven't touched alcohol for a year and they know I always deny an offer for a glass of wine. 

It just says a lot about their character and how they treat/view me. 

All of a sudden, they change their attitude towards me because I told my mom I have PTSD on top of it all. Even my brother started telling the kids off for jumping on the floor above me (it's wooden so you can imagine) and that the couch is not a trampoline. 

So finally with the peace and quiet, i'm back to studying and doing what needs to be done. 

It helps to talk and explain things.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> So finally with the peace and quiet, i'm back to studying and doing what needs to be done.
> 
> It helps to talk and explain things.



This, you can only control so much and other people can't be controlled, so concentrate on what you have control over and leave the rest to be...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Winner 1


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## RainstormZA

Yeah this morning my stepdad asked me to do some stuff for him.

I was rather surprised that he said thank you very much. He doesn't do that very often...

We had a client order from Hong Kong so packing boxes for them to be shipped by air freight.

Reactions: Like 4


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## Viper_SA

I'm not sure if I should even post this. What's the point? I mean, really, what's the point of this rat race we call life? I feel pretty down tonight. I've been seeing a new psychiatrist who promised to reduce my medication and get me back on track. First, she prescribed some older meds, that requires a lot of monitoring for side effects, most of which I developed. 2 visits later, and I feel like she's given up. Ended up putting me back on the same meds I was on before, only at higher dosages and knocking me out every night. While my days are spent in a panic. Even when my head is "right" my body feels like it's having a panic attack. I'm really disappointed. Been working real hard to battle this disease and look at the "bright side" but it's hard when I looks at my meds and realise, I'm basically where I was a year ago.

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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> I'm not sure if I should even post this. What's the point? I mean, really, what's the point of this rat race we call life? I feel pretty down tonight. I've been seeing a new psychiatrist who promised to reduce my medication and get me back on track. First, she prescribed some older meds, that requires a lot of monitoring for side effects, most of which I developed. 2 visits later, and I feel like she's given up. Ended up putting me back on the same meds I was on before, only at higher dosages and knocking me out every night. While my days are spent in a panic. Even when my head is "right" my body feels like it's having a panic attack. I'm really disappointed. Been working real hard to battle this disease and look at the "bright side" but it's hard when I looks at my meds and realise, I'm basically where I was a year ago.



Hang in there brother, one day soon things will be bright again. You know it will.

Regards

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## Viper_SA

Raindance said:


> Hang in there brother, one day soon things will be bright again. You know it will.
> 
> Regards


I sure hope so bro...

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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> I sure hope so bro...




Regards

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## RainstormZA

Hang in there. I know how you feel.

I think i got up way too early this morning and as a result, i'm more tired and stressed. This afternoon I was driving up the road to drop off my staff in town and realised that it felt like watching a horse race and I just want it all to slow down. It's the feeling that I'm losing control over something, yet everything is fine in that moment and then I remind myself to breath and ignore everything else to drive safely there and back.

I had to stop wearing my hearing aid as sound is the main trigger.

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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> I'm not sure if I should even post this. What's the point? I mean, really, what's the point of this rat race we call life? I feel pretty down tonight. I've been seeing a new psychiatrist who promised to reduce my medication and get me back on track. First, she prescribed some older meds, that requires a lot of monitoring for side effects, most of which I developed. 2 visits later, and I feel like she's given up. Ended up putting me back on the same meds I was on before, only at higher dosages and knocking me out every night. While my days are spent in a panic. Even when my head is "right" my body feels like it's having a panic attack. I'm really disappointed. Been working real hard to battle this disease and look at the "bright side" but it's hard when I looks at my meds and realise, I'm basically where I was a year ago.


@Viper_SA ,boet, we all have days and nights like this, Allthough some people experience it worse than others, like in your instance, and a couple of others here. It’s the roller coaster of life, some ups where you can see the sun or the stars and the beauty of creation, and the downs where you go down into the dark forest and your heart beats in your mouth and your stomach revolts. And sometimes the wheels just come of and youre airborne for some time and your mind and body is scared shitless! 

And yet we all carry on, some faster and some slower and at their own pace. Meds is meds, they try everything and if it works, fine, if it doesn’t you have to go back to square one to start over again. And being knocked out at night is not the worst that can happen, you could be awake the whole time! Days are no exception, but offer no hiding places for any of us or these feelings, and to continue takes courage.

I was on average on between 19 and 25 tablets a day while they tried to get that which worked for me, and they changed combo’s at 2 weekly and monthly intervals. I’m down to 7 a day but also have to go back and see the neurologist again to review as I feel they are not supporting me any more or “healing” me any more. So we start again, maybe new ones or maybe more ones, who knows. 

You’ve worked real hard for a year, but you are not back where you started, you are a lot more empowered by it being a year later and you have a lot more knowledge of what the symptoms are, and what scares you or works for you, and about what makes you feel better or worse, and why not tell her about that. That may be the part that has been missing in your treatment. Only you know how you fell, they have to guess. Also mention that you perceive rightly or wrongly about her giving up, you may be surprised about the answer.

Stay strong meneer, there is allways a silver lining to any cloud, we might just not see it because it is a silver cloud. You are in a lot of people’s though and prayers, and we are all rooting for you as you have the courage to share and own up about it, while a lot are too scared and therefore don’t share.

Keep your head up and every morning you get up, look in the mirror and say with conviction, Life, today I’m gonna kick you in the Crown Jewels so hard your eyes are still going to be teary next week!

You have shown immense courage with your posts, let that guide you through the bad and scary times, and insight to realize that it’s not easy, and yet continue, and resolve to remove that which is poisonous to you.

Keep on posting and strength to you.
RF

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> I'm not sure if I should even post this. What's the point? I mean, really, what's the point of this rat race we call life? I feel pretty down tonight. I've been seeing a new psychiatrist who promised to reduce my medication and get me back on track. First, she prescribed some older meds, that requires a lot of monitoring for side effects, most of which I developed. 2 visits later, and I feel like she's given up. Ended up putting me back on the same meds I was on before, only at higher dosages and knocking me out every night. While my days are spent in a panic. Even when my head is "right" my body feels like it's having a panic attack. I'm really disappointed. Been working real hard to battle this disease and look at the "bright side" but it's hard when I looks at my meds and realise, I'm basically where I was a year ago.



Not much more that I can add to what @Room Fogger posted, some great words! Stay strong!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Thanks 1


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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> Not much more that I can add to what @Room Fogger posted, some great words! Stay strong!


True, I have learned a lot in the last year. Now I just need to figure out how to apply all that newfound knowledge...

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## Viper_SA

Having one of those "missing someone I don't even know" evenings and bingeing on Def Leppard songs. How's everyone else doing?

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## RainstormZA

I didn't sleep well last night. Having had 4 hours sleep and been hearing music in my head all afternoon. 

And I got to wait up for my parents as they flew in at 5:30 and taking friends for dinner. Not sure what time they will arrive home.

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## Raindance

Viper_SA said:


> Having one of those "missing someone I don't even know" evenings and bingeing on Def Leppard songs. How's everyone else doing?


Hey boet, I could also do with someone to “pour some sugar on me”.

Damn diet, Canderel just does not do it for me...

Regards

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## Viper_SA

Nights like tonight there are only 3 things keeping me from eating a bullet. 
1. I don't own a firearm
2. It would destroy my mom
3. It would orphan my dog

I just feel really old, alone and left behind and the silver lining just isn't showing for me right now.

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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Nights like tonight there are only 3 things keeping me from eating a bullet.
> 1. I don't own a firearm
> 2. It would destroy my mom
> 3. It would orphan my dog
> 
> I just feel really old, alone and left behind and the silver lining just isn't showing for me right now.


Hi Boet, you having a real downer of an evening, but know that just the fact that you can talk about it, and see what the impact will be *is the silver lining. 
*
Strongs to you and hope you feel better, we all feel older and left behind at one stage or the other, but there is still so many things we have to experience. There is nothing like a coffee and watching a sunrise to lift the soul, or just sharing a cuppa with a Mom. Give your Mom a hug and sommer give your dog a kiss, that’s unconditional love from 2 very very important persons in your life.

Keep strong meneer, we are all here for you. One day at a time, one step at a time.

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## Room Fogger

M.Adhir said:


> So.
> Been looking around at pricing to seek medical/ psych advice for a significant person in my life.
> Average consults start at 3k for initial. average follow up is around 1500/1800...
> pay directly, claim from medical aid and hope they cover everything.
> what happens to all those without money ?!? is it cheaper to stay mentally and emotionally unwell?
> its a sad state of affairs.


Unfortunately there are a lot of people in that situation @M.Adhir , and it is scary. Wishing you luck in providing the help needed for that significant person.

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## Vape_N8th

I recently started medication, which is a big step for me since I have grown up with this mentality that you don't need or shouldn't use medication to control or better your mental health as its a sign of weakness I guess.

Boy was I wrong, it's probably one of the best choices I have ever made in my life.

For the first time in forever, I don't have to carry an inhaler for anxiety attacks and I wake up every morning feeling positive.

Obviously life wont be perfect but its a whole lot better when the serotonin ends up in the right place :') 

" There is no key to happiness, the door is always open."

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## RainstormZA



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## Neuk

I heard this morning that one of my brother's friends who he went through his second stint in rehab with, committed suicide in Thailand after relapsing  I have been too self absorbed of late but am thinking of anyone and everyone out there struggling. Keep struggling, it is worth it...

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## RainstormZA

No! So sorry to hear that @Neuk

I lost a good friend to suicide at 17 and still think about her everyday. She left two kids behind. They both are grown up now and both got full disclosure when they were older.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> No! So sorry to hear that @Neuk
> 
> I lost a good friend to suicide at 17 and still think about her everyday. She left two kids behind. They both are grown up now and both got full disclosure when they were older.



Thanks @RainstormZA  I didn't know him well but I can only imagine how it is affecting my brother who has shared some of his darkest moments with him on his journey battling his addiction.

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## Viper_SA

I wanna die...

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## Dela Rey Steyn

Viper_SA said:


> I wanna die...


Hey @Viper_SA, what's wrong bud?


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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> I wanna die...



What is going on bud?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Viper_SA

Dela Rey Steyn said:


> Hey @Viper_SA, what's wrong bud?



Just had a bad day, feeling much better thanks

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## Viper_SA

Neuk said:


> What is going on bud?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Thanks for the chat on Whatsapp buddy

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Thanks for the chat on Whatsapp buddy



I am no expert, no guru, no doctor, no psychologist, no therapist, no counselor, no body that can do anything other than be an ear to listen and a mouth to share my experience in life thus far. I hope that it helps you, even in some small way, to just get through one more day and then another and another and another...

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## Neuk

How is everyone doing?

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## Dela Rey Steyn

Neuk said:


> How is everyone doing?


This has been a better week than the last 2, actually feeling good about the weekend for a change! How are you doing bud?

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## cgs

edit: 1:43 in length

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## Neuk

Dela Rey Steyn said:


> This has been a better week than the last 2, actually feeling good about the weekend for a change! How are you doing bud?



Good to hear bud  Enjoy the weekend!

I am doing well, busy at work and at home, in the thick of repairs at home with some work left to be done. We are also slowly getting some planned changes/additions done at the house which is fun. Next week is the last 'quiet' week as the new addition to the canine family arrives so I need to take advantage of the quiet and get as much done as possible.

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## Raindance

Neuk said:


> Good to hear bud  Enjoy the weekend!
> 
> I am doing well, busy at work and at home, in the thick of repairs at home with some work left to be done. We are also slowly getting some planned changes/additions done at the house which is fun. Next week is the last 'quiet' week as the new addition to the canine family arrives so I need to take advantage of the quiet and get as much done as possible.


You still in Joburg Neuk?

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## Neuk

Raindance said:


> You still in Joburg Neuk?



Yep.

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## ARYANTO

HI friends - my story...
The last 2 years were real bad for me and all the trauma and drama is starting to take it's toll:
been in bad bike accident , broke hip, femur and ankle One week hospital ,5 weeks wheel chair,
Half sister committed suicide =overdose
Mom passed away [old age 96] I am the only son , last born and totally committed to MOM.
The relationship with my only sister is toxic ,She inherited the house and everything inside , I get all the savings and investments.
On the day of Mom's Passing the bxxxh accused me of stealing Mom's rings , while I took her BIBLE from her bedroom . I offered to go to police for polygraph , ''no , don't worry about it etc...''
Mom made a pewter mirror years ago ,That was all I asked for - there is PLENTY antiques that I did'nt asked for ONE THING IS GUARANTEED - SHE WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN .
The DR. at RAF stated that I am suffering from POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER , I shake like a leaf ,get panic attacks
and get black outs for 10 - 30 secs at a time, Boss has send me home twice already. Seeing Dr at the moment and are on 4 types of tablets,[URBANOL .ZYTOMIL ,TRANQIPAM and INDOBLOK 40]
See psyc for first time end of MAY .I feel like I'm going totally mad ,and
Just popping the lot.
Thanks for reading this

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## ARYANTO

Raindance said:


> You still in Joburg Neuk?


F jou raad gevolg en ook my storie geskryf

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## RainstormZA

ARYANTO said:


> HI friends - my story...
> The last 2 years were real bad for me and all the trauma and drama is starting to take it's toll:
> been in bad bike accident , broke hip, femur and ankle One week hospital ,5 weeks wheel chair,
> Half sister committed suicide =overdose
> Mom passed away [old age 96] I am the only son , last born and totally committed to MOM.
> The relationship with my only sister is toxic ,She inherited the house and everything inside , I get all the savings and investments.
> On the day of Mom's Passing the bxxxh accused me of stealing Mom's rings , while I took her BIBLE from her bedroom . I offered to go to police for polygraph , ''no , don't worry about it etc...''
> Mom made a pewter mirror years ago ,That was all I asked for - there is PLENTY antiques that I did'nt asked for ONE THING IS GUARANTEED - SHE WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN .
> The DR. at RAF stated that I am suffering from POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER , I shake like a leaf ,get panic attacks
> and get black outs for 10 - 30 secs at a time, Boss has send me home twice already. Seeing Dr at the moment and are on 4 types of tablets,[URBANOL .ZYTOMIL ,TRANQIPAM and INDOBLOK 40]
> See psyc for first time end of MAY .I feel like I'm going totally mad ,and
> Just popping the lot.
> Thanks for reading this


I feel you, years of domestic violence has left me with permanent ptsd and I have to be alone most of the time. People scare me and I’m glad I’m my trade, I don’t have to deal with people. Just machines, and plants. Lol. Basically it’s so bad I’ve become an introvert and never go out anymore.

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> HI friends - my story...
> The last 2 years were real bad for me and all the trauma and drama is starting to take it's toll:
> been in bad bike accident , broke hip, femur and ankle One week hospital ,5 weeks wheel chair,
> Half sister committed suicide =overdose
> Mom passed away [old age 96] I am the only son , last born and totally committed to MOM.
> The relationship with my only sister is toxic ,She inherited the house and everything inside , I get all the savings and investments.
> On the day of Mom's Passing the bxxxh accused me of stealing Mom's rings , while I took her BIBLE from her bedroom . I offered to go to police for polygraph , ''no , don't worry about it etc...''
> Mom made a pewter mirror years ago ,That was all I asked for - there is PLENTY antiques that I did'nt asked for ONE THING IS GUARANTEED - SHE WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN .
> The DR. at RAF stated that I am suffering from POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER , I shake like a leaf ,get panic attacks
> and get black outs for 10 - 30 secs at a time, Boss has send me home twice already. Seeing Dr at the moment and are on 4 types of tablets,[URBANOL .ZYTOMIL ,TRANQIPAM and INDOBLOK 40]
> See psyc for first time end of MAY .I feel like I'm going totally mad ,and
> Just popping the lot.
> Thanks for reading this



Thanks for sharing your story, I wish you strength in your journey, please keep us updated.

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## ARYANTO

Neuk said:


> Thanks for sharing your story, I wish you strength in your journey, please keep us updated.


THANKS for the ''ear'' I get so depressed and the short way seems the best.

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## Dela Rey Steyn

ARYANTO said:


> THANKS for the ''ear'' I get so depressed and the short way seems the best.



There is always a willing ear on this amazing forum. The biggest obstacle we need to face is ourselves. As long as we talk, as long as we share, we are working through it and moving foward

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> THANKS for the ''ear'' I get so depressed and the short way seems the best.



Pleasure  It is the least that I can do and luckily there are many ears around here.

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## Viper_SA

I want to write and update everyone on how I am doing, but I have no idea where to start  so much happening in my life right now. All I can say, and I have to say this in Afrikaans for full effect "jy moet slim genoeg wees om te besef wanneer iemand besig is om jou poep te voer!". I've met many bullshitters in my life, and I'm slowly realizing that not everyone that I'm dealing with is 100% honest with me. I could go on, but lets just leave it at that for today

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## JB1987

I haven't posted in years. I want to tell a story. I've posted on this thead before, as someone that's been struggling with depression most of my life and later diagnosed with bipolar II. Very recently, a best friend was murdered in his apartment, we also worked together in the same office. I found him after breaking down his apartment door and was the first on the scene. I also had to phone his father that night, it was the day before his 29th birthday. Everyone thought that this would destroy me, and it nearly did. It took me 4 weeks to be able to talk about it. It's strange, I have never placed such a high importance on life, including my own, as I do now. I never realised how my friends will support me until this happened. I thought I was alone in this world, but for 2 weeks no one would leave me alone, I always had someone looking after me (a bit irritating after a while tbh). At the end of the day, I am sad, heartbroken and a bit terrified of what's out there in the night, but, I will not take my life for granted, it can be taken away so easily. I've never thought that I could count on anyone, it was always me against the world.

In the end, I'm here to to listen to anyone that needs it.

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## ARYANTO

Neuk said:


> You learn as you get older what your body needs and what makes your feel healthier. It is not the same for everyone, my preference is for LCHF foods.


I can almost eat everything but I detest green beans - raw off the stalk no prob , but DO NOT try to cook them , I lose my appetite and would prefer to leave the table [ ek gril my dood.]

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> I want to write and update everyone on how I am doing, but I have no idea where to start  so much happening in my life right now. All I can say, and I have to say this in Afrikaans for full effect "jy moet slim genoeg wees om te besef wanneer iemand besig is om jou poep te voer!". I've met many bullshitters in my life, and I'm slowly realizing that not everyone that I'm dealing with is 100% honest with me. I could go on, but lets just leave it at that for today



It is great to hear that you keeping on keeping on bud

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## Neuk

JB1987 said:


> I haven't posted in years. I want to tell a story. I've posted on this thead before, as someone that's been struggling with depression most of my life and later diagnosed with bipolar II. Very recently, a best friend was murdered in his apartment, we also worked together in the same office. I found him after breaking down his apartment door and was the first on the scene. I also had to phone his father that night, it was the day before his 29th birthday. Everyone thought that this would destroy me, and it nearly did. It took me 4 weeks to be able to talk about it. It's strange, I have never placed such a high importance on life, including my own, as I do now. I never realised how my friends will support me until this happened. I thought I was alone in this world, but for 2 weeks no one would leave me alone, I always had someone looking after me (a bit irritating after a while tbh). At the end of the day, I am sad, heartbroken and a bit terrified of what's out there in the night, but, I will not take my life for granted, it can be taken away so easily. I've never thought that I could count on anyone, it was always me against the world.
> 
> In the end, I'm here to to listen to anyone that needs it.



Thanks so much for sharing your story, I am sorry to hear about your friend, terrible  I hope that you find peace in the process of moving on, it sounds like you have found some positive in an otherwise horrible situation.

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> I can almost eat everything but I detest green beans - raw off the stalk no prob , but DO NOT try to cook them , I lose my appetite and would prefer to leave the table [ ek gril my dood.]



I love green beans  Cooked or raw.

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## RainstormZA

Eeeew cooked green beans. Just eeeew. I'm happy to eat them raw, straight off the stalk.

Reactions: Can relate 1


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## Dela Rey Steyn

Think the only thing I don't eat is Tofu.

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## ARYANTO



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## Dela Rey Steyn

ARYANTO said:


>

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## ARYANTO

GGOODD Evening dear friends .THE STORY CONTINUES.
Thursday half day, my dear boss hits the factory roof when he saw me. ''you are going on 3 weeks sick leave and I dont' want to lose you in/on one of the machines '' 
O xhit what now? , fortunate had a DR [thur] and PSY GUY [fry]appointmet booked . ''ANNOUNCEMENT''14h00 ---''there
will be a prayer meet for the whole factory for Mr BRITS at three'o'clock , Mercy on me ..feeling like a chameleon on a Smarty box.
OK, and brief intro , next a ixulu song . NOW we pray: iafrikaans ixhosa izulu ipedi !englis! some Hindi inbetween but we did pray !
I thanked the group and I felt a weight lift. 
At DR,change some tabs and tell me i'm too skinny 92 down to 71 do bloodtests and he'll phone me. At psy and pso -organising me appointments ---got 1 app already. SO there is a power at work .
Good night , have peace 
A

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## Viper_SA

Having a very confusing morning... Part of me wants to dance on rooftops and part me me wants to be swinging at the end of a rope... Very confusing indeed. Just woke up feeling like that. It's almost as if I am looking in at my life from the "outside". I'm almost as up and down as the playlist on my mp3's this morning, lol.

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## Viper_SA

Feeling on top of the world right now! What a difference a few hours can make

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## ARYANTO

Wish me congratulations ,well wishes etc... new Dr phoned this afternoon , I am a bunch of nerves, cooly got the news that- I HAVE A HYPER ACTIVE THYROYD. AND there is absolutely nothing wrong with any other spare parts ![TNX for the wishes and prayers]
- Lots of money spent at a female Dr in Norwood .I got new Dr and got an appointment Monday and here the ''Gods of Pharma'' will fill their coffers again .So now it's tabs for life to slow me down, giggle , Mom always said I did things too fast . Dear friends , any info about this ''condition'' will be helpful , A

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## RainstormZA

That's great news @ARYANTO. Up and onwards with healing yourself.

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## ARYANTO

RainstormZA said:


> That's great news @ARYANTO. Up and onwards with healing yourself.


baie dankie , thank you, siyabonga, danke schun , onwards and guts and fight this pestillence.

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## ARYANTO

tuesdsy - doctor
thursday one id the many ...cologists..

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## ARYANTO

Hi guys , I have had a nightmare time,my life feels like a pile of cowdung in the gravel rd. HYPER ACTIVE THYROYD is last of worries
DR.s suspect mental issues, lost time, falling over, talking like a beer baby ,and just falling on my table and fast asleep !?
T. DR
W .HOSP- psycatrist
TH .HOSP AND BOOKING FOR:
MRI and CAT SCAN ,,,SCARY STUFF"" - I don't have power , cant lift the garage door, and I can't blame Escom
and weight from 92 to..67 nearly fainted when i saw that.

SA,LAAM, NA'MASTE, GOEIENAG ,GOODNIGHT.


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## Dela Rey Steyn

ARYANTO said:


> Hi guys , I have had a nightmare time,my life feels like a pile of cowdung in the gravel rd. HYPER ACTIVE THYROYD is last of worries
> DR.s suspect mental issues, lost time, falling over, talking like a beer baby ,and just falling on my table and fast asleep !?
> T. DR
> W .HOSP- psycatrist
> TH .HOSP AND BOOKING FOR:
> MRI and CAT SCAN ,,,SCARY STUFF"" - I don't have power , cant lift the garage door, and I can't blame Escom
> and weight from 92 to..67 nearly fainted when i saw that.
> 
> SA,LAAM, NA'MASTE, GOEIENAG ,GOODNIGHT.



Wow @ARYANTO , all those medicals must be very draining. That is an insane amount of weight loss

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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> Hi guys , I have had a nightmare time,my life feels like a pile of cowdung in the gravel rd. HYPER ACTIVE THYROYD is last of worries
> DR.s suspect mental issues, lost time, falling over, talking like a beer baby ,and just falling on my table and fast asleep !?
> T. DR
> W .HOSP- psycatrist
> TH .HOSP AND BOOKING FOR:
> MRI and CAT SCAN ,,,SCARY STUFF"" - I don't have power , cant lift the garage door, and I can't blame Escom
> and weight from 92 to..67 nearly fainted when i saw that.
> 
> SA,LAAM, NA'MASTE, GOEIENAG ,GOODNIGHT.


Hi @ARYANTO , eina Boet, hope they find out and treat it soon, you’re going to look like a crack in a wall if you lose more weight. Just keep on going man, you’re in our thoughts.

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## ARYANTO

Room Fogger said:


> Hi @ARYANTO , eina Boet, hope they find out and treat it soon, you’re going to look like a crack in a wall if you lose more weight. Just keep on going man, you’re in our thoughts.


MRI EEG EEG AND OTHER SHIT IN PYPLYNN . HET N PIL GEKRY WAT WERT...NEOMERCAZOL 5MG MALGEIT NIE WEG MAAR EK BAIE KALMER . GOON NITE .

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## ARYANTO

*Saturdat night ,Story cont.* Went to JHB GENL , 
Guys and gals. from blue to red block [easy 2 kms up and down] couple of times for ref's; go the pharmacy -battle of cripple and lame.
Eventually got tabs now we are off to x-ray bookings . Got
major scan 24 June ,MRI booking 15 July ,Latest calamity is this silent wet ones creeping you anytime,
dr say it will stop by itself tried all the boererate ...PRRR.....OH SHXT.
least I can still laugh!
PSYC STORY NEXT soon

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## Neuk

Hi all

I have been quiet of late, busy at work and dealing with the antics of a two month old english springer spaniel puppy and our four year old cocker spaniels health issues as well as planning a trip to Australia. I hope everyone is doing well?

@ARYANTO - I am sorry to hear of your health challenges but glad to see you are seeking help! Don't give up and don't give in, there is a path for you through this life, one that will bring you happiness and purpose.

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## Raindance

ARYANTO said:


> *Saturdat night ,Story cont.* Went to JHB GENL ,
> Guys and gals. from blue to red block [easy 2 kms up and down] couple of times for ref's; go the pharmacy -battle of cripple and lame.
> Eventually got tabs now we are off to x-ray bookings . Got
> major scan 24 June ,MRI booking 15 July ,Latest calamity is this silent wet ones creeping you anytime,
> dr say it will stop by itself tried all the boererate ...PRRR.....OH SHXT.
> least I can still laugh!
> PSYC STORY NEXT soon


During my bad time i was booked in early hours of the morning for what i believed to be a serious heart condition. Next morning the specialist shows up but does not even test my heartbeat. Damn, was i pissed off when i found out he’s a shrink and not a cardiologist...

Regards

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## ARYANTO

ok...SORTA FUNNY

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## ARYANTO

Off to the the famous JHB GEN Monday morning for EEG...


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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> Off to the the famous JHB GEN Monday morning for EEG...


Good luck @ARYANTO , hope you come back with good news!

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> Off to the the famous JHB GEN Monday morning for EEG...



How did it go at Jhb Gen?

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## ARYANTO

Neuk said:


> How did it go at Jhb Gen?


Results only available between 3-4 weeks , I feel much better and functioning at work , the dr placed me on 2 tablets x3 daily and it seems to calm me down , need to go back the 10th .Thank you all for your concern.

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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> Results only available between 3-4 weeks , I feel much better and functioning at work , the dr placed me on 2 tablets x3 daily and it seems to calm me down , need to go back the 10th .Thank you all for your concern.


Great news @ARYANTO , just keep on going Boet. Holding thumbs for positive results and great health going forward.

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## RainstormZA

Room Fogger said:


> Great news @ARYANTO , just keep on going Boet. Holding thumbs for positive results and great health going forward.


What he said...

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> Results only available between 3-4 weeks , I feel much better and functioning at work , the dr placed me on 2 tablets x3 daily and it seems to calm me down , need to go back the 10th .Thank you all for your concern.



Glad to hear  Please keep us updated and keep at it!

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## RainstormZA

Ah just the spot to say this. 

My aunt said I'm much more relaxed and calmer after my parents left. She agreed that my mother drives me up the wall and that my main source of stress and issues come from her. 

We were chatting about how sometimes holistic approaches can help with a wide range of health issues can help but stress management is very important too. 

She also mentioned that I'm happier being alone and she can see it doesn't bother me at all. I know some people can't understand why I prefer solitude over being with people but she understands it all too well. 

I was told by my godsister I needed to get out more and be social. Sorry it's not my cup of tea. I rather be with a dog or bird than with people. People scare me more. Lol. Kind of why I got into being a technician because I deal with machines better.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Ah just the spot to say this.
> 
> My aunt said I'm much more relaxed and calmer after my parents left. She agreed that my mother drives me up the wall and that my main source of stress and issues come from her.
> 
> We were chatting about how sometimes holistic approaches can help with a wide range of health issues can help but stress management is very important too.
> 
> She also mentioned that I'm happier being alone and she can see it doesn't bother me at all. I know some people can't understand why I prefer solitude over being with people but she understands it all too well.
> 
> I was told by my godsister I needed to get out more and be social. Sorry it's not my cup of tea. I rather be with a dog or bird than with people. People scare me more. Lol. Kind of why I got into being a technician because I deal with machines better.



Not that I would advise becoming a hermit as I believe that social interaction is a base need for all humans, I suggest doing what you are comfortable with and stays true to yourself. It is good to push your comfort boundaries from time to time though but only you will know what you can handle and how often. It is unfortunate that your parents had such a detrimental effect on your mental health but at the same time it is great to realise what does and doesn't affect your mental health. I know where you are at though, I am a technically minded engineer and often simply keep to myself, which can get lonely at times...

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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> Not that I would advise becoming a hermit as I believe that social interaction is a base need for all humans, I suggest doing what you are comfortable with and stays true to yourself. It is good to push your comfort boundaries from time to time though but only you will know what you can handle and how often. It is unfortunate that your parents had such a detrimental effect on your mental health but at the same time it is great to realise what does and doesn't affect your mental health. I know where you are at though, I am a technically minded engineer and often simply keep to myself, which can get lonely at times...


Well I do have a social gathering I attend every week - ladies crochet club and we have tea too plus do and talk about crochet / knitting.

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## Neuk

I learnt an important lesson the last few weeks...

No matter what happens in life, stick to what you need to do to manage your mental and physical health.


RainstormZA said:


> Well I do have a social gathering I attend every week - ladies crochet club and we have tea too plus do and talk about crochet / knitting.



That sounds perfect, a meet up with like minded people to share a common, healthy interest.

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## RainstormZA

Yeah, I’m a bit surprised at the people in the uk- the general people seem to handle the deaf people better than SA because I went into a shop by myself today to get sheets for my bed. I was nervous so I write stuff down. After that, we communicated like normal. She even signed thank you which is awesome that more people are learning sign language. I also think having converted to a British way of speech and language has helped a lot as I report to my cousins every day for work and we had a bit of a rough start with my speech when I first came here. My aunt says it has gotten better since and more people understand me now. 

My mom is visiting til tomorrow from Holland and she can’t understand me now. What peeved me off is she told me to speak properly. I tried not to let it upset me because she doesn’t realize I’m surrounded by British native speakers and talk like they do now.

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## Room Fogger

RainstormZA said:


> Yeah, I’m a bit surprised at the people in the uk- the general people seem to handle the deaf people better than SA because I went into a shop by myself today to get sheets for my bed. I was nervous so I write stuff down. After that, we communicated like normal. She even signed thank you which is awesome that more people are learning sign language. I also think having converted to a British way of speech and language has helped a lot as I report to my cousins every day for work and we had a bit of a rough start with my speech when I first came here. My aunt says it has gotten better since and more people understand me now.
> 
> My mom is visiting til tomorrow from Holland and she can’t understand me now. What peeved me off is she told me to speak properly. I tried not to let it upset me because she doesn’t realize I’m surrounded by British native speakers and talk like they do now.


Great to hear that you are doing so well @RainstormZA , and when in Rome speak Greek with a Mexican accent  . 

Imho SA places too much emphasis on identifying the “difference” in people that are otherwise able than they themselves, where overseas you are taught to embrace it and that there is no difference, that’s why it’s no big deal to them, you are a customer, same as the person next to you. I met a great friend that has passed on unfortunately for him wanting to sort me out for talking to his girlfriend, ended up on my knees in front of his wheelchair, and then we decided it was easier to just have a lot of beer , nearly dropped him down the stairs leaving as well! Great night and great buddy for life.

Maybe your mom is just being a mother hen, maybe she doesn’t want to fully accept that you are now fully independent,  and loving it, it takes a while for it to sink in. Keep on going and thanks for sharing your adventures with us here.

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## Viper_SA

Not sure where to post this. This afternoon my mom saw her GP after some blood tests earlier this week. He has referred her to a specialist, but he suspect colon cancer. I feel so stupid. I always have advice for everyone, but when it's so close to home I am at a loss for words. Currently she is literally all I have, the thought of her mortality scares me shitless.

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## RainstormZA

Room Fogger said:


> Great to hear that you are doing so well @RainstormZA , and when in Rome speak Greek with a Mexican accent  .


Try Geordie lol it’s a Newcastle dialect in the uk


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## Room Fogger

Viper_SA said:


> Not sure where to post this. This afternoon my mom saw her GP after some blood tests earlier this week. He has referred her to a specialist, but he suspect colon cancer. I feel so stupid. I always have advice for everyone, but when it's so close to home I am at a loss for words. Currently she is literally all I have, the thought of her mortality scares me shitless.


Hi @Viper_SA , sorry to hear this news. You and Mom will be in our thoughts and prayers, here is to positive thoughts for a positive outcome. Please keep us up to date if you are up to it and want or are willing to share, it will be appreciated.

Never nice when it hits right home, but we are mere mortals and don’t know what is destined for us, or how the trip will be. Strongs to you bud, keep positive and support the fight that lies ahead. May you both be victorious.

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## ARYANTO

Quick update EEG done, tomorrow it's the MRI hold thumbs please .

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## Silver

ARYANTO said:


> Quick update EEG done, tomorrow it's the MRI hold thumbs please .



Holding thumbs for you @ARYANTO

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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> Quick update EEG done, tomorrow it's the MRI hold thumbs please .


Both thumbs held @ARYANTO

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Not sure where to post this. This afternoon my mom saw her GP after some blood tests earlier this week. He has referred her to a specialist, but he suspect colon cancer. I feel so stupid. I always have advice for everyone, but when it's so close to home I am at a loss for words. Currently she is literally all I have, the thought of her mortality scares me shitless.



I am very sorry to hear about your mom  I hope she and you are doing OK?

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> Quick update EEG done, tomorrow it's the MRI hold thumbs please .



Good luck bud! Please let us know how it goes...

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## JB1987

Just checking in... I reside in Paulshof/Bryanston if anyone needs a chat/friend/company. My number is 0833079085. Please WhatsApp first so I know who you are. Don't be shy, I might not be able to give advice to your unique situation but I am able te be a friend to talk to should you need someone to listen.

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## Neuk

JB1987 said:


> Just checking in... I reside in Paulshof/Bryanston if anyone needs a chat/friend/company. My number is 0833079085. Please WhatsApp first so I know who you are. Don't be shy, I might not be able to give advice to your unique situation but I am able te be a friend to talk to should you need someone to listen.



Thanks for the check in Jaco  There is also a WhatsApp group that anyone can make use of if they want to share, reach out, talk, etc.

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## Viper_SA

Now we wait... Took a huge gamble earlier today. Praying that it pays off. How is everyone doing?

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## Viper_SA

Well, my gamble didn't pay off, but life goes on. Time to focus on other things and people.

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## ARYANTO

Recently had a CT scan -scary , but results negative still suffering insomnia/nightmares. Bloodworks came back ,no funny stuff only hyper thyroid [causing my massive weight loss 92 to 63!!]-seeing endocronologist Tuesday. So far JHB GEN did a good job, also seeing occupational therapist and my psyc.
Take care fellows .
A.

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## ARYANTO

Saw endocronologist today -massive doses of Neo Mercazol ! Scan due for Friday . I am scared , no conclusive answer from Psyc yet . Will see him in 2 weeks time.

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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> Saw endocronologist today -massive doses of Neo Mercazol ! Scan due for Friday . I am scared , no conclusive answer from Psyc yet . Will see him in 2 weeks time.


Hang in there @ARYANTO , and don’t be scared of anything until it’s proven to be. Then forget scared and fix and fight it, whatever it may be. We are all rooting for you, you’ll never be alone on the way you have to travel.

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## ARYANTO

*Giving up on life* *Dr Leach*
The five stages of give-up-are: -Social withdrawal. This usually occurs after a psychological trauma. Signs include a marked withdrawal, a lack of emotion, indifference and becoming self-absorbed -Apathy. This is described as an emotional or symbolic ‘death'. It is different to anger, sadness and frustration and involves a person no longer striving for self-preservation. People in this stage are often dishevelled as their instinct for cleanliness is gone -Aboulia. This is a severe lack of motivation along with a dampened emotional response, a lack of initiative and indecisiveness. People in this stage rarely speak, often stop washing and eating, and withdraw even further. They have lost intrinsic motivation - the ability or desire to help themselves -Psychic akinesia. This refers to a further drop in motivation. The person is conscious but in a state of profound apathy and unaware of, or insensitive to, even extreme pain. In fact, they may not even flinch if they are hit. They are often incontinent at this stage -Psychogenic death. According to Dr Leach, this stage is the disintegration of a person. "It's when someone then gives up. They might be lying in their own excreta and nothing - no warning, no beating, no pleading - can make them want to live," he said. He noted that the progress from stage four to five generally takes three to four days, and often, just before death, there is a ‘false dawn' - a flicker of life from the person, for example, they may decide to smoke a cigarette. "It appears briefly as if the 'empty mind' stage has passed and has been replaced by what could be described as goal-directed behaviour. But the paradox is that while a flicker of goal-directed function exist, people can die if they give up on life , the goal itself appears to have become relinquishing life. 
c - DR LEACH.

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## ARYANTO

OM WhaTEVER , CAN I DESCRIBE THE DARKNESS IN MY HEART / SOUL , JUMPING IS TOO SMALL , DROPPING FROM A CLIFF .. NOT
GOOD ENOUGH , HANGING FROM A POST/POLE ...
DEPRESSION YOU ARE A ***** OF MANY COLOURS . fXXK FOLKS IS IT THE TABLETS OR JUST MY F/UPPED MIND?
Do so many people haTE ME that their venom converged to destroy me ? IS /ARE LIFE A VIPER THAt JUST STrIKS ANS STRIKES TILL THERE is nothing left of this morally unsound person ---guys I AM TOTALLY F.UPPED . IF I HAD SOMETHING TO TAKE I WOULD .. I FEEL DEAD.


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## ARYANTO

JB1987 said:


> Just checking in... I reside in Paulshof/Bryanston if anyone needs a chat/friend/company. My number is 0833079085. Please WhatsApp first so I know who you are. Don't be shy, I might not be able to give advice to your unique situation but I am able to be a friend to talk to should you need someone to listen.


jb i suffer from sxhit that happened in the army and went away ,till i had a huge bike accident in 2016 then my sis comited suicide , my eldest sister die due of medical treatment my mom died last year and i've been coping but tonight the sxit hit the fan , i am so so so depressed , and drinking beer after beer does not encourage the situation .. fuk lord give mercy , i must be invisible , not dead but trying to shelter the pain . tnx


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## ARYANTO

JB1987 said:


> Just checking in... I reside in Paulshof/Bryanston if anyone needs a chat/friend/company. My number is 0833079085. Please WhatsApp first so I know who you are. Don't be shy, I might not be able to give advice to your unique situation but I am able te be a friend to talk to should you need someone to listen.


tried but ...


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## ARYANTO

SO DOWN and nobody ... so much it IS A USELESS SETUP .


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## Lawrence A

I don't really know what to say, or if there is even anything I could say that would make a difference, but somehow I just felt like I needed to let you know that if there was, I would say it.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

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## ARYANTO

Lawrence A said:


> I don't really know what to say, or if there is even anything I could say that would make a difference, but somehow I just felt like I needed to let you know that if there was, I would say it.
> 
> I am sorry for what you are going through.


BRO YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE FKN VOICES it is the worst , telling me . go for it , join me . i need you . i livgi in fkn black syrup , going to have anothr beer . I HATE THE W\AY I FEEL


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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> BRO YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE FKN VOICES it is the worst , telling me . go for it , join me . i need you . i livgi in fkn black syrup , going to have anothr beer . I HATE THE W\AY I FEEL


Hi @ARYANTO , most of us can only try to imagine and sympathize with what you are experiencing now, but never know how it truly feels, only you will. All that I, and I’m sure a lot of others can do is to keep you in our minds, our hearts as a brother in arms, and in our prayers. 

May the light of life shine brightly on you and light the path you have to walk bud, and even if it is just a flicker and you do stumble a bit in the dark, we are there for you. Listen to our voices saying grab the hand, lift yourself up with all our help, bring joy to us as you have been doing since we have had the pleasure of making your acquaintance, even though we may never had met.

We’re here for you. PM incoming from my side as well.

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## JB1987

ARYANTO said:


> jb i suffer from sxhit that happened in the army and went away ,till i had a huge bike accident in 2016 then my sis comited suicide , my eldest sister die due of medical treatment my mom died last year and i've been coping but tonight the sxit hit the fan , i am so so so depressed , and drinking beer after beer does not encourage the situation .. fuk lord give mercy , i must be invisible , not dead but trying to shelter the pain . tnx



I'm so sorry @ARYANTO , I only saw this now.

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## SmokeyJoe

Im not looking for a reply. I just need to get this out. Friday morning on my way to work, a car going opposite direction hit a pedestrian who was standing in the road. The man went tumbeling through the air and hit my car. I drove over him. I was next to him when he exhaled his final breath with his questioning fearful eyes. The car which hit him 1st drove away like a coward.
I know it was not my fault, but i stood by him while he died. I know my car delt the final blow to his life. How do live with myself? What about his kids? Why wasnt it me instead? How can i live myself that i took a life of a pontential awesome dad. Ive been crying since the day he passed, but no amount of tears ive cried will match the tears that comes across his childrens' cheeks, they are gutted with hate and sadness
Dont think i wil ever be able to live with myself


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## vicTor

@SmokeyJoe what a terrible thing to experience, this world can be cruel, but stay strong !

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## Room Fogger

SmokeyJoe said:


> Im not looking for a reply. I just need to get this out. Friday morning on my way to work, a car going opposite direction hit a pedestrian who was standing in the road. The man went tumbeling through the air and hit my car. I drove over him. I was next to him when he exhaled his final breath with his questioning fearful eyes. The car which hit him 1st drove away like a coward.
> I know it was not my fault, but i stood by him while he died. I know my car delt the final blow to his life. How do live with myself? What about his kids? Why wasnt it me instead? How can i live myself that i took a life of a pontential awesome dad. Ive been crying since the day he passed, but no amount of tears ive cried will match the tears that comes across his childrens' cheeks, they are gutted with hate and sadness
> Dont think i wil ever be able to live with myself


A terrible experience to have to go trough @SmokeyJoe , stay strong meneer, you will be in our thoughts.

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Well, my gamble didn't pay off, but life goes on. Time to focus on other things and people.



How are you doing bud? Taking a gamble every now and then is a good idea but life always goes on. Look after yourself though...

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> Saw endocronologist today -massive doses of Neo Mercazol ! Scan due for Friday . I am scared , no conclusive answer from Psyc yet . Will see him in 2 weeks time.



Some good news! Good luck with the rest! I see that you have had a tough time of late, I hope that things get better for you, carry on the fight as it is worth it! I will try and be around here more often if anyone needs to vent...

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## Neuk

SmokeyJoe said:


> Im not looking for a reply. I just need to get this out. Friday morning on my way to work, a car going opposite direction hit a pedestrian who was standing in the road. The man went tumbeling through the air and hit my car. I drove over him. I was next to him when he exhaled his final breath with his questioning fearful eyes. The car which hit him 1st drove away like a coward.
> I know it was not my fault, but i stood by him while he died. I know my car delt the final blow to his life. How do live with myself? What about his kids? Why wasnt it me instead? How can i live myself that i took a life of a pontential awesome dad. Ive been crying since the day he passed, but no amount of tears ive cried will match the tears that comes across his childrens' cheeks, they are gutted with hate and sadness
> Dont think i wil ever be able to live with myself



That is a horrible situation to be put in but it is not your fault at all. Take your time, you will soon accept that there isn't much you could have done, other than what you did to stick by his side.

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## Neuk

Check in time, how is everyone?

I have been OK, a few anxiety attacks lately, caused by exhaustion I think as I did my first mountain bike race in years a few weekends back and then had a few too many whiskies this last Saturday evening which wrote Sunday off for me completely. It has affected me for a few days now, I am not as young as I used to be and it takes me longer than it used to to bounce back from a lack of sleep or heavy night out. As much as I have learnt that I need to take care of myself as much as possible I am learning that when I get it wrong to not beat myself up too much about it, as I normally do. One day at a time...

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## ARYANTO

Just returned from psyc . Need to go once a month , increased my Epitec to 100 mg, and gave me some sleeping tabs, as
well as some Citalopram 10 mg [anti depressant] that I've been on for a while now. Generally I'm feeling better and are picking up weight slowly [yay].

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## Room Fogger

Great news from both of you! @Neuk , when the whiskers start turning grey everything takes a bit longer,  but we become wiser. Hopefully some relaxing will solve the anxiety, and being in the outdoors on a bike can only be a good thing. @ARYANTO , here’s to you gaining back that weight you lost, and to feeling better and conquering those speedbumps in front of you, one at a time.

As you said rightly @Neuk , one day at a time!

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> Just returned from psyc . Need to go once a month , increased my Epitec to 100 mg, and gave me some sleeping tabs, as
> well as some Citalopram 10 mg [anti depressant] that I've been on for a while now. Generally I'm feeling better and are picking up weight slowly [yay].



Good to hear @ARYANTO  Keep at it!

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## Neuk

Room Fogger said:


> Great news from both of you! @Neuk , when the whiskers start turning grey everything takes a bit longer,  but we become wiser. Hopefully some relaxing will solve the anxiety, and being in the outdoors on a bike can only be a good thing. @ARYANTO , here’s to you gaining back that weight you lost, and to feeling better and conquering those speedbumps in front of you, one at a time.
> 
> As you said rightly @Neuk , one day at a time!



Thanks @Room Fogger  My anxiety is in overdrive today so I am struggling a bit but trying to just get through the day.

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## Viper_SA

Just realised something on my way home from my psychologist today. If boxing was an emotional sport, I'd be the heavyweight champion! I've taken some really hard knocks, but I've never gone down, I'm still standing and surviving the fight!

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## RainstormZA

Well done, guys! That is very encouraging news indeed. 

Me on the other hand, I have adjusted very well to the UK. My aunt again has remarked at how much calmer I have become and that I appear to be much more happier. And a turn of events, I have met the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. 

Nothing could have turned out better than my decision to relocate to the UK. In total, I am really happy here and it's really great.

Reactions: Like 3 | Winner 9


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## Room Fogger

RainstormZA said:


> Well done, guys! That is very encouraging news indeed.
> 
> Me on the other hand, I have adjusted very well to the UK. My aunt again has remarked at how much calmer I have become and that I appear to be much more happier. And a turn of events, I have met the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.
> 
> Nothing could have turned out better than my decision to relocate to the UK. In total, I am really happy here and it's really great.


Great news @RainstormZA , good to hear about all going great in your life. Congratulations on meeting a soulmate, wishes for many happy years.

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## Neuk

Viper_SA said:


> Just realised something on my way home from my psychologist today. If boxing was an emotional sport, I'd be the heavyweight champion! I've taken some really hard knocks, but I've never gone down, I'm still standing and surviving the fight!



Keep standing, keep taking the knocks, keep fighting and surviving!

Reactions: Like 2


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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Well done, guys! That is very encouraging news indeed.
> 
> Me on the other hand, I have adjusted very well to the UK. My aunt again has remarked at how much calmer I have become and that I appear to be much more happier. And a turn of events, I have met the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.
> 
> Nothing could have turned out better than my decision to relocate to the UK. In total, I am really happy here and it's really great.



It is great to hear that you are doing well in the UK! Relocating to a foreign country is a big change but after the stress it can turn out to be the best change. And meeting someone that you just click with...

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## lesvaches

*Could Magic Mushrooms Ever Replace Today’s Antidepressants?*

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/could-magic-mushrooms-ever-replace-ssris

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## Neuk

I have had a stressful last few weeks, I have been sick with a throat infection and flu that I still need to get rid of, my girlfriend has been in hospital with a severe viral infection, I sold my car and am in the process of buying a replacement all alongside normal day to day and week to week life. I am trying my best to forge forward as best I can, some days are better than others, soldier on...

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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> And meeting someone that you just click with...



Well it's someone I knew for over 10 years and never in our lives did we ever think I would ever make it to the UK, until now and I was the one who reconnected with him and it just took off from there. I got to say I am happy with the way things have turned out - I'm getting an interview from the local college to pursue a chef's apprenticeship and hopefully it goes upwards from there. 

Yesterday I did an hectic 8 hour shift in the kitchen - I was alone most of the time, cooking and cleaning as well. It was the first time I had apparently started cooking orders that were rung up and I think I served about at least 15 people. I have previously assisted in the cooking and prep but this time it was a different ball game, running between 6 different stations to try and bring every ingredient together without the one going cold before the other. I got to say it was a success. I also was rather surprised as I have never cooked poached eggs in a frying pan full of water and I've seen how it can get stuffed up, having learnt from others' experiences and also watching YouTube videos didn't help either. The poached eggs came out perfectly and my superiors were quite impressed at the quality presentation of the dishes I had prepped and presented. The key is in cooking it slow so that it stays together. 

No wait, I lie. I did a 10 hour shift a few weeks ago and I was tasked with another young lady, on school hols, to make pizza. We both made a total of 35 pizzas in one night. It was actually quite fun - making pizzas are a totally different ball game and I'm glad I got that experience. It took me 2 hours to wind down after that and I actually got home at 9pm that night. The young lady was an absolute delight to work with and kind of reminded me of my younger sister in a way who happened to have the same name too. 

So I am made for this kind of job as a chef because of my expertise in food specially made for people with food allergies. My dream one day is to run a kitchen full of deaf people - now that would be a great thing to have, no communication barriers and to be able to work with my own people. Also that I have a lot of energy to expend and now the 5 hour shifts are not giving me what I need.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Well it's someone I knew for over 10 years and never in our lives did we ever think I would ever make it to the UK, until now and I was the one who reconnected with him and it just took off from there. I got to say I am happy with the way things have turned out - I'm getting an interview from the local college to pursue a chef's apprenticeship and hopefully it goes upwards from there.
> 
> Yesterday I did an hectic 8 hour shift in the kitchen - I was alone most of the time, cooking and cleaning as well. It was the first time I had apparently started cooking orders that were rung up and I think I served about at least 15 people. I have previously assisted in the cooking and prep but this time it was a different ball game, running between 6 different stations to try and bring every ingredient together without the one going cold before the other. I got to say it was a success. I also was rather surprised as I have never cooked poached eggs in a frying pan full of water and I've seen how it can get stuffed up, having learnt from others' experiences and also watching YouTube videos didn't help either. The poached eggs came out perfectly and my superiors were quite impressed at the quality presentation of the dishes I had prepped and presented. The key is in cooking it slow so that it stays together.
> 
> No wait, I lie. I did a 10 hour shift a few weeks ago and I was tasked with another young lady, on school hols, to make pizza. We both made a total of 35 pizzas in one night. It was actually quite fun - making pizzas are a totally different ball game and I'm glad I got that experience. It took me 2 hours to wind down after that and I actually got home at 9pm that night. The young lady was an absolute delight to work with and kind of reminded me of my younger sister in a way who happened to have the same name too.
> 
> So I am made for this kind of job as a chef because of my expertise in food specially made for people with food allergies. My dream one day is to run a kitchen full of deaf people - now that would be a great thing to have, no communication barriers and to be able to work with my own people. Also that I have a lot of energy to expend and now the 5 hour shifts are not giving me what I need.



That is great to hear  Keep at it, @brotiform is also now in the UK and doing well.

P.S. I am not in to cooking at all but my girlfriends parents bought us a Thermomix which I do enjoy using but that is the nerd in me

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## Neuk

It has been a rough few weeks, I am nearly over the throat infection but my girlfriend is thought to have had encephalitis which has damaged her right ear with a subsequent diagnosis of vestibular neuritis. There is no quick solution, it will take months of rehabilitation for her to recover but she will never recover fully. At least I sorted a new car out although it was a somewhat frustrating process and we are still looking forward to heading to Australia next week for three weeks.

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## Room Fogger

Neuk said:


> It has been a rough few weeks, I am nearly over the throat infection but my girlfriend is thought to have had encephalitis which has damaged her right ear with a subsequent diagnosis of vestibular neuritis. There is no quick solution, it will take months of rehabilitation for her to recover but she will never recover fully. At least I sorted a new car out although it was a somewhat frustrating process and we are still looking forward to heading to Australia next week for three weeks.


Good to hear that you are healing, and hope that your girlfriend will benefit from the rehab for her condition. Pity that sometimes it’s not a full recovery, but I personally think that as much as possible is still better than none.

I am also mobile again with a little auto, my left leg is thanking me every day now, so can think what you had to go through in the car search, very very frustrating episode.

Enjoy the time in Australia, on my bucket list once the 2 locusts are earning enough to pay for me to go on Holliday.  Just watch the traffic laws, they have no mercy and you are going to love the intelligent robots that actually monitor traffic and adjust to this in the signaling process.

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## RainstormZA

College apprenticeship fell through because of some stupid government requirement and a certain condition on my visa so I've been forced to go through the trainee IT program which isn't so bad. I get 10 months of study time from my PC at home in my spare time while I continue to work. 

I was just offered a contract renewal for another 3 months and I'm pretty happy about it, even if its reduced pay and more hours (as apparently the pay I was getting isn't what everyone else was paying which is what I had been expecting to happen as well). At least I still have a job and I don't have to stress until I get my training done and be offered a job position in the IT sector. It's the only way forward to getting work in IT, at least for me it is because of my hearing disability.

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## Neuk

Compliments of the season everyone  How is everyone doing? I'll go first...

I am looking forward to 2020 for a number of reasons but have some personal work to do on a number of fronts. I started the year flying with regards to activity, a lot of cycling, running, walking, yoga, etc. which I am happy about. I have started meditating again which I hope will help with how I react to frustrating/stressful situations, which leaves a lot to be desired at present. I need to sort work out, it is a bit slow at the moment while we wait on a number of potential projects and I also need to figure out how best to expand my skills this through training, courses, certifications, etc. We have a lot going on at home with repair work, maintenance work, upgrade work, etc.as well as managing our two dogs, the youngest can be quite a handful at times as he is still a puppy. All in, lots to look forward to this year, some big changes, a lot of work and challenges but a lot of potential...

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## ARYANTO

Off to see my pscyc again , first 2020 meet , depression has lifted but insomnia still rules and flashbacks is still bad , picked up some weight and in general are feeling better. Great 2020 to all of you .

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## Room Fogger

Neuk said:


> Compliments of the season everyone  How is everyone doing? I'll go first...
> 
> I am looking forward to 2020 for a number of reasons but have some personal work to do on a number of fronts. I started the year flying with regards to activity, a lot of cycling, running, walking, yoga, etc. which I am happy about. I have started meditating again which I hope will help with how I react to frustrating/stressful situations, which leaves a lot to be desired at present. I need to sort work out, it is a bit slow at the moment while we wait on a number of potential projects and I also need to figure out how best to expand my skills this through training, courses, certifications, etc. We have a lot going on at home with repair work, maintenance work, upgrade work, etc.as well as managing our two dogs, the youngest can be quite a handful at times as he is still a puppy. All in, lots to look forward to this year, some big changes, a lot of work and challenges but a lot of potential...


Compliments to you as well @Neuk , also waiting on work, some tenders in the pipeline, hope some comes my way. Also want to start studying and exercising by cycling, will see how it goes. Have a great 2020 Sir, and same for @ARYANTO , good to hear you are also on the mend.

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> Off to see my pscyc again , first 2020 meet , depression has lifted but insomnia still rules and flashbacks is still bad , picked up some weight and in general are feeling better. Great 2020 to all of you .



Good luck with it all and please do keep us updated

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## Neuk

Room Fogger said:


> Compliments to you as well @Neuk , also waiting on work, some tenders in the pipeline, hope some comes my way. Also want to start studying and exercising by cycling, will see how it goes. Have a great 2020 Sir, and same for @ARYANTO , good to hear you are also on the mend.



Good luck with the tenders! And get on that bike, I keep falling off but keep getting back on

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## ARYANTO

OK feedback - still suffering from insomnia and depression , but getting there , they gave me Seroquel xr 50 mg , hope this will help ?

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## Room Fogger

Neuk said:


> Good luck with the tenders! And get on that bike, I keep falling off but keep getting back on


Thinking of getting a tandem, the front one can do the pedaling, I can admire the scenery, just don’t trust Locust 1 , he is a speed freak on a bike. Look dad, 73 km/h on a downhill in a mountain bike race, I pushed the bike down. No way I riding down something with an angle that looks like a mineshaft. He did finish first though and it was a toughee.

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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> OK feedback - still suffering from insomnia and depression , but getting there , they gave me Seroquel xr 50 mg , hope this will help ?


Hope it helps @ARYANTO , keep it up Boet, it’s a slow battle but the win is inevitable.

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> OK feedback - still suffering from insomnia and depression , but getting there , they gave me Seroquel xr 50 mg , hope this will help ?



I am sorry to hear that you are still suffering but glad to hear that you are seeking help and getting it. I hope the Seroquel helps, be patient and take it day by day.

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## Neuk

Room Fogger said:


> Thinking of getting a tandem, the front one can do the pedaling, I can admire the scenery, just don’t trust Locust 1 , he is a speed freak on a bike. Look dad, 73 km/h on a downhill in a mountain bike race, I pushed the bike down. No way I riding down something with an angle that looks like a mineshaft. He did finish first though and it was a toughee.



I have never ridden a tandem, only a road and mountain bike, I used to be a maniac on my old road bike in the early 2000's. I now only have my two mountain bikes, an old GT iDrive with 26" wheels and v-brakes and my Scott Spark 940 with full suspension, 29" tubeless wheels and hydraulic disc brakes. I am doing the Cape Town Cycle tour in March so need to organise a road bike but will borrow one as I am not so keen to start road cycling again.

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## RainstormZA

Eh not so much. Just taking one day at a time, it's tough dealing with some health mysteries and having to go back to the doctor every time there's a problem that only they can sort out. It's just one thing after another, I'm just tired of all the curve balls I have to deal with. 

Other than that, for some strange reason, road running has been on the back of my mind for a while now and I think I want to start running again soon. I"m extremely unfit so I guess I will have to start slow and then build up from there - a day at a time. I'm also lazy so it's going to take some real courage and motivation to get going and keep at it.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Eh not so much. Just taking one day at a time, it's tough dealing with some health mysteries and having to go back to the doctor every time there's a problem that only they can sort out. It's just one thing after another, I'm just tired of all the curve balls I have to deal with.
> 
> Other than that, for some strange reason, road running has been on the back of my mind for a while now and I think I want to start running again soon. I"m extremely unfit so I guess I will have to start slow and then build up from there - a day at a time. I'm also lazy so it's going to take some real courage and motivation to get going and keep at it.



Sorry to hear @RainstormZA, I hope the health mysteries get sorted out soon. Not that I would recommend not seeing a medical professional, but do as much research yourself as possible and perhaps get second and even third opinions.

Get out on the road and run! I don't enjoy running but I take our puppy twice a week for a 4 - 5 km run.

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## Neuk

I hope everyone else is well?

Personal work continues, physical training is picking up nicely with two runs, two Watt bike sessions, two yoga sessions, an action cricket game and a medium distance mountain bike ride a week. I am trying to get in to more regular meditation to see if it helps with my temper issues, I have a tendency to over react to irritable or stressful situations. I have admittedly gotten a lot better as I have gotten older but can improve a lot and have various reasons why I need to get better at it. I need to remember to not be so critical of myself and to stick to working at it...

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## Chickenstrip

ARYANTO said:


> OK feedback - still suffering from insomnia and depression , but getting there , they gave me Seroquel xr 50 mg , hope this will help ?



Seroquel is the bee's knees. It's really a fantastic medication. You just feel super chilled out. However, if you've ever had the muchies, well... Seroquel removes the "full" sensation. So you can literally eat yourself into a coma and still be hungry. I gained 30kg on that stuff before I just refused to take it anymore. The weight took over a year to come off. So use with caution. Think I was on 150 though, I don't take anything anymore but man that stuff was a love hate for me.

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## Chickenstrip

Chickenstrip said:


> Seroquel is the bee's knees. It's really a fantastic medication. You just feel super chilled out. However, if you've ever had the muchies, well... Seroquel removes the "full" sensation. So you can literally eat yourself into a coma and still be hungry. I gained 30kg on that stuff before I just refused to take it anymore. The weight took over a year to come off. So use with caution. Think I was on 150 though, I don't take anything anymore but man that stuff was a love hate for me.



Oh yeah, and do yourself a favour @ARYANTO . Take it late afternoon/ early evening 6pm was great for me. The XR should last you for most of the following day and it REALLY helps with sleep. So much so that a morning dose might make you lethargic all day. Again, 50 seems like an oddly low dose though. Ignore this advice if you've got split doses.

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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> Sorry to hear @RainstormZA, I hope the health mysteries get sorted out soon. Not that I would recommend not seeing a medical professional, but do as much research yourself as possible and perhaps get second and even third opinions.
> 
> Get out on the road and run! I don't enjoy running but I take our puppy twice a week for a 4 - 5 km run.


Yeah good running shoes don't come cheap and I want to be well prepared for the contact impact as I've had running injuries from bad shoes. So I gotta save up for the right shoes and having lost around 23kg since June last year, I do need smaller sized clothes. I have gone from 18 to 14 and possibly down to 12 now, going to browse all the charity shops tomorrow as I have the day off and see what they have. Seriously all of my clothes are too big now, I"m struggling to even keep my 14 jeans up. Lol. I'm also considering joining up a ladies gym for the yoga and pilates classes - however the only thing holding me back is they are held in the evenings and my eyes aren't good for night driving.

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## RainstormZA

RainstormZA said:


> Yeah good running shoes don't come cheap and I want to be well prepared for the contact impact as I've had running injuries from bad shoes. So I gotta save up for the right shoes and having lost around 23kg since June last year, I do need smaller sized clothes. I have gone from 18 to 14 and possibly down to 12 now, going to browse all the charity shops tomorrow as I have the day off and see what they have. Seriously all of my clothes are too big now, I"m struggling to even keep my 14 jeans up. Lol. I'm also considering joining up a ladies gym for the yoga and pilates classes - however the only thing holding me back is they are held in the evenings and my eyes aren't good for night driving.


And speak of the devil, I have indeed gone down to a size 12. Shirts are now 16 from an 18. Unfortunately boobs don't shrink as much as the rest of the body lol

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## vicTor

RainstormZA said:


> And speak of the devil, I have indeed gone down to a size 12. Shirts are now 16 from an 18. Unfortunately boobs don't shrink as much as the rest of the body lol



howzit

not sure if you here many howzit's that side ?

so you still vaping etc ?

still mixing up that mint adv ?

regards

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## ARYANTO

Chickenstrip said:


> Oh yeah, and do yourself a favour @ARYANTO . Take it late afternoon/ early evening 6pm was great for me. The XR should last you for most of the following day and it REALLY helps with sleep. So much so that a morning dose might make you lethargic all day. Again, 50 seems like an oddly low dose though. Ignore this advice if you've got split doses.


Thanks , I take mine 7/8 pm but it tends to make me groggy and short fused the next day - told the psyc but she keeps on prescribing it , only take it now @weekends.

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## Raindance

RainstormZA said:


> And speak of the devil, I have indeed gone down to a size 12. Shirts are now 16 from an 18. Unfortunately boobs don't shrink as much as the rest of the body lol


No man will ever complain about that my dear....

Regards

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## RainstormZA

vicTor said:


> howzit
> 
> not sure if you here many howzit's that side ?
> 
> so you still vaping etc ?
> 
> still mixing up that mint adv ?
> 
> regards


Yes still mixing - in fact yesterday I just mixed a litre of that stuff. It lasts me around 4 to 5 months. I have absolutely no desire to go back to cigarettes and considering the fact, I spend a lot of time around smokers, when you quit, you forget over time how bad the smell can be until youy work with someone that smokes. 

Got to say, I am vaping a lot more than I should. I guess I can blame stress. Lol.

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## ARYANTO

Well , today is two years ago that my world tumbled into one sorry heap , The day my Mom died . Tried to work my day around it but it still hurts like hell. I am glad that I'm on anti deps otherwise this would have been one major trainsmash day.

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## Room Fogger

ARYANTO said:


> Well , today is two years ago that my world tumbled into one sorry heap , The day my Mom died . Tried to work my day around it but it still hurts like hell. I am glad that I'm on anti deps otherwise this would have been one major trainsmash day.


Thinking of you meneer, it’s a trying time, hang in there!

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Yeah good running shoes don't come cheap and I want to be well prepared for the contact impact as I've had running injuries from bad shoes. So I gotta save up for the right shoes and having lost around 23kg since June last year, I do need smaller sized clothes. I have gone from 18 to 14 and possibly down to 12 now, going to browse all the charity shops tomorrow as I have the day off and see what they have. Seriously all of my clothes are too big now, I"m struggling to even keep my 14 jeans up. Lol. I'm also considering joining up a ladies gym for the yoga and pilates classes - however the only thing holding me back is they are held in the evenings and my eyes aren't good for night driving.



That is great to hear that you have lost so much weight and need new clothes! I would suggest yoga, I started it with my girlfriends family and despite struggling am enjoying it so far.

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## Neuk

ARYANTO said:


> Well , today is two years ago that my world tumbled into one sorry heap , The day my Mom died . Tried to work my day around it but it still hurts like hell. I am glad that I'm on anti deps otherwise this would have been one major trainsmash day.



I am sorry for your loss, it is perfectly normal to feel the pain of the loss though.

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## Neuk

A mini update from me, I have been doing OK, had a few up and down weeks with last week and this week seeing me struggle to keep my routine for various reasons. I am also on a mission to get a grip on my anger issues as it is affecting my relationship with my girlfriend negatively which I want to minimise as much as possible. At the moment I am just going day by day...

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## RainstormZA

Neuk said:


> That is great to hear that you have lost so much weight and need new clothes! I would suggest yoga, I started it with my girlfriends family and despite struggling am enjoying it so far.


Yeah it's a great feeling being in control of my eating habits this time. I have absolute no desire to start overeating again, I have struggled with this for most of my life - if I so much lost weight, I would suddenly put it back on out of fear that I would lose too much (my sister had anorexia, I was the total opposite). I am really lucky to have found someone who is there for me thick and thin, telling me that it is all good and that he will tell me if I lose too much. That's when you stop and realise that you need to stop worrying about the mundane things in life and just enjoy each day as it comes and goes. Life is short. In some good ways, he has changed my mindset on work and life, I've also learnt to grow a thicker skin when it comes to abrasive, judgemental people. I no longer care what they think. There is someone out there that definitely will appreciate and accept you for the way you are and you need to do the same. I think it's been a real blessing coming to the UK - in so many ways it's changed me for the better. I laugh more easily, I laugh loud and people look at me with a huge smile on their faces. I lost something and gained something in return, a reward for letting it all go. 

I was just thinking today how lucky I am and how much I have come through after 10 years of healing myself and my own mind. I am now doing the same, paying it forward and taking one day at a time. I'm also binge watching cooking shows on Youtube and laughing my ass off at the most silly things such as Barry Lewis, God that guy and his wife are hilarious... 

Even despite all of these positive things happening, I actually injured myself at work - repetitive strain injury - all this from repeated certain actions such as peeling potatoes, banging my hand by accident and getting my hand / wrist squashed all has taken its toll on my right wrist so I am having to use my left hand, which isn't an issue as I"m ambidextrous, I can write with my left too. I still have the occasional anxiety / panic attacks but I am working on it and forcing myself to face my fears. Today a customer spoke to me and I was this close to blanking out as usual as I'm terrified of dealing with strangers. But today, I wasn't even sure what he said and I said I don't play golf. He just chuckled and walked away so I obviously said something right and not have a panic attack. That felt good. 

I have been considering signing up for yoga at the local gym when it gets lighter after March as I am not good for driving at night. I am still looking for a better place to rent for the next winter season, it was horrid enough living here through it. 

Oh and I have apparently been offered to come over to Amsterdam in June/July for a few days this year as my mother wants me to come and visit them on the boat while they are there. I need a schengen visa to go over there so we will see what happens.

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## Neuk

RainstormZA said:


> Yeah it's a great feeling being in control of my eating habits this time. I have absolute no desire to start overeating again, I have struggled with this for most of my life - if I so much lost weight, I would suddenly put it back on out of fear that I would lose too much (my sister had anorexia, I was the total opposite). I am really lucky to have found someone who is there for me thick and thin, telling me that it is all good and that he will tell me if I lose too much. That's when you stop and realise that you need to stop worrying about the mundane things in life and just enjoy each day as it comes and goes. Life is short. In some good ways, he has changed my mindset on work and life, I've also learnt to grow a thicker skin when it comes to abrasive, judgemental people. I no longer care what they think. There is someone out there that definitely will appreciate and accept you for the way you are and you need to do the same. I think it's been a real blessing coming to the UK - in so many ways it's changed me for the better. I laugh more easily, I laugh loud and people look at me with a huge smile on their faces. I lost something and gained something in return, a reward for letting it all go.
> 
> I was just thinking today how lucky I am and how much I have come through after 10 years of healing myself and my own mind. I am now doing the same, paying it forward and taking one day at a time. I'm also binge watching cooking shows on Youtube and laughing my ass off at the most silly things such as Barry Lewis, God that guy and his wife are hilarious...
> 
> Even despite all of these positive things happening, I actually injured myself at work - repetitive strain injury - all this from repeated certain actions such as peeling potatoes, banging my hand by accident and getting my hand / wrist squashed all has taken its toll on my right wrist so I am having to use my left hand, which isn't an issue as I"m ambidextrous, I can write with my left too. I still have the occasional anxiety / panic attacks but I am working on it and forcing myself to face my fears. Today a customer spoke to me and I was this close to blanking out as usual as I'm terrified of dealing with strangers. But today, I wasn't even sure what he said and I said I don't play golf. He just chuckled and walked away so I obviously said something right and not have a panic attack. That felt good.
> 
> I have been considering signing up for yoga at the local gym when it gets lighter after March as I am not good for driving at night. I am still looking for a better place to rent for the next winter season, it was horrid enough living here through it.
> 
> Oh and I have apparently been offered to come over to Amsterdam in June/July for a few days this year as my mother wants me to come and visit them on the boat while they are there. I need a schengen visa to go over there so we will see what happens.



That all sounds really positive  Please keep us updated!

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## Adephi



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## acorn

I'm just going to leave this here...



Sent from my SNE-LX2 using Tapatalk

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## ARYANTO



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## ARYANTO

https://psychcentral.com/
Some reading/ advise .

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## Viper_SA

Well hello everyone. I see this thread has been very quiet of late, which I hope means that everyone is doing well.
Just an update on my story. Towards the end of 2019 and into early 2020 I was drinking like a fish, as in 3 to 4 bottles of Gin a week. Had a few close calls with the breathalyzer tests at work, hardly slept at all and was contemplating suicide on a daily basis. My psychologist threatened me with a court order and so off I went to Denmar Psychiatric Hospital for two weeks. Got to see a new doctor, new meds and even managed to make a few new friends (pity they all lost touch with me after I was discharged). I felt much better at the time and shortly after being discharged the dreaded lockdown hit us. So it was a bit difficult to judge just how well, or not, I was doing. One positive was that alcohol tasted absolutely vulgar to me and I almost quit it completely. 
Went back for my follow up and complained to the doctor that my memory was really bad. As is REALLY bad. My boss would ask me to do something and two hours later I'd have no recollection at all that he asked anything from me. To the point where we almost had arguments about it. So the doc reckoned I also have ADHD and threw some more meds my way. I told her that I had been on a trial with ADHD drugs before and that they made my anxiety much worse, but she insisted that it was other factors that made me anxious. Long story short, I felt like I was dying during the two weeks I was on the ADHD meds. Chest pains, diarrhea, headaches and my anxiety was through the roof. Then came the time to get my prescription filled and only then did I realize that she had also made 3 other changes to my meds. Among them a reduction in my anxiety meds. My friendly pharmacist tried contacting her via phone as he was certain she had just omitted it from my script. She refused to speak to him and only had her receptionist inform him that I had full knowledge of the changes, which I did not. This forced me to simply stop the ADHD meds and rethink my treatment. I decided that I was not feeling any better, apart from not drinking, and started a slow process of gradually reducing my meds. Financially, especially with covid and salary cuts in the mix, it was hard paying R3k a month on co-payments anyway. So since mid September I have been off any sort of psychiatric medication. The first few weeks were great. I had much more energy and was very positive about the future.
Gradually though things have taken a turn for the worse again and I am battling daily with severe anxiety, depression and I am very emotional. Hell, I started crying like a baby while watching American Idol as I just felt overwhelmed with emotions. Shit, I almost shed a tear during an IPL match or two where some gutsy performance spoke to me. 
I have not seen my psychologist since the lockdown, mainly because my medical aid is depleted and I just dont have the funds. I did however make a plan to see her this upcoming Friday because I'm losing my mind a bit. The smallest thing sets me off and pisses me off, and 10 minutes later I want to cry and feel ashamed of my behavior. I'm going to totally lose it I fear, so I guess it's back to my psychologist. Will just have to find a way financially. Also looking for yet another psychiatrist now. I have been to 4 different ones in as many years and they can't even agree on a diagnoses. So fed up with it all.
Also looking at going back to the psychiatric hospital next year once my medical aid has refreshed, but no idea which doctor to see there or which hospital to choose. This year I went with a recommendation from my psychologist, but that didnt work out so well. I have a few names from people who were admitted with me, but it's so hard to choose a doctor. This year I took annual leave and fit it in there so I didn't have to be off sick and no-oe at work knew I was there. That would be the last thing I need is gossip about the office crazy.

I am sorry for the extremely long read, but it does help to just throw it all out there every once in a while. I might have quit vaping and fully aboard the stinky train these days, but there are still some very special people on this forum that have helped me in the past. Hope you all are well.

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 9


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## Dela Rey Steyn

Viper_SA said:


> Well hello everyone. I see this thread has been very quiet of late, which I hope means that everyone is doing well.
> Just an update on my story. Towards the end of 2019 and into early 2020 I was drinking like a fish, as in 3 to 4 bottles of Gin a week. Had a few close calls with the breathalyzer tests at work, hardly slept at all and was contemplating suicide on a daily basis. My psychologist threatened me with a court order and so off I went to Denmar Psychiatric Hospital for two weeks. Got to see a new doctor, new meds and even managed to make a few new friends (pity they all lost touch with me after I was discharged). I felt much better at the time and shortly after being discharged the dreaded lockdown hit us. So it was a bit difficult to judge just how well, or not, I was doing. One positive was that alcohol tasted absolutely vulgar to me and I almost quit it completely.
> Went back for my follow up and complained to the doctor that my memory was really bad. As is REALLY bad. My boss would ask me to do something and two hours later I'd have no recollection at all that he asked anything from me. To the point where we almost had arguments about it. So the doc reckoned I also have ADHD and threw some more meds my way. I told her that I had been on a trial with ADHD drugs before and that they made my anxiety much worse, but she insisted that it was other factors that made me anxious. Long story short, I felt like I was dying during the two weeks I was on the ADHD meds. Chest pains, diarrhea, headaches and my anxiety was through the roof. Then came the time to get my prescription filled and only then did I realize that she had also made 3 other changes to my meds. Among them a reduction in my anxiety meds. My friendly pharmacist tried contacting her via phone as he was certain she had just omitted it from my script. She refused to speak to him and only had her receptionist inform him that I had full knowledge of the changes, which I did not. This forced me to simply stop the ADHD meds and rethink my treatment. I decided that I was not feeling any better, apart from not drinking, and started a slow process of gradually reducing my meds. Financially, especially with covid and salary cuts in the mix, it was hard paying R3k a month on co-payments anyway. So since mid September I have been off any sort of psychiatric medication. The first few weeks were great. I had much more energy and was very positive about the future.
> Gradually though things have taken a turn for the worse again and I am battling daily with severe anxiety, depression and I am very emotional. Hell, I started crying like a baby while watching American Idol as I just felt overwhelmed with emotions. Shit, I almost shed a tear during an IPL match or two where some gutsy performance spoke to me.
> I have not seen my psychologist since the lockdown, mainly because my medical aid is depleted and I just dont have the funds. I did however make a plan to see her this upcoming Friday because I'm losing my mind a bit. The smallest thing sets me off and pisses me off, and 10 minutes later I want to cry and feel ashamed of my behavior. I'm going to totally lose it I fear, so I guess it's back to my psychologist. Will just have to find a way financially. Also looking for yet another psychiatrist now. I have been to 4 different ones in as many years and they can't even agree on a diagnoses. So fed up with it all.
> Also looking at going back to the psychiatric hospital next year once my medical aid has refreshed, but no idea which doctor to see there or which hospital to choose. This year I went with a recommendation from my psychologist, but that didnt work out so well. I have a few names from people who were admitted with me, but it's so hard to choose a doctor. This year I took annual leave and fit it in there so I didn't have to be off sick and no-oe at work knew I was there. That would be the last thing I need is gossip about the office crazy.
> 
> I am sorry for the extremely long read, but it does help to just throw it all out there every once in a while. I might have quit vaping and fully aboard the stinky train these days, but there are still some very special people on this forum that have helped me in the past. Hope you all are well.



Good to have you around again @Viper_SA ! Remember, talking about ourselves and our struggles is one of the best therapies available (It's basically what people pay phycologists for!) Sorry to hear about your issues with the psychiatrist. I honestly haven't heard of a decent one in SA. Denmar is a great place, had friends that went there and friends that worked there as nurses. Unfortunately staying there permanently isn't really an option for most. Glad you are reaching out and still fighting to be yourself. Sincerely hope you get the proper help you seek from a medical professional you deserve and that is not just going to push the "latest greatest pills" on to you. Stay strong bud. You are a champ!

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## ARYANTO

Well here's my update - been going to JHB Academic on a monthly basis and that their Psyc dept is one of the best , I suffer from PTSD ,at a stage it was really bad .Insomnia , depression and one hell of a temper , nobody wanted to be near me just incase something set me off , but after attending their clinic and a proper diagnosis , I am back to my normal self . Using anti anxiety[1] and anti depressant[1] tablets and a sleeping pill at night there is a marked improvement , my tablets costs me R100.00 dispensation fee once a month .

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## Viper_SA

I should really post an update on this thread. So much has happened since I last posted here, but I'm back and off the stinkies (even if it was by accident, lol) I hope everyone is doing okay?

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## Grand Guru

Viper_SA said:


> I should really post an update on this thread. So much has happened since I last posted here, but I'm back and off the stinkies (even if it was by accident, lol) I hope everyone is doing okay?

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## RainstormZA

Grand Guru said:


> View attachment 225844


That’s how I feel most of the time

Reactions: Like 3 | Can relate 1


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## Viper_SA

Okay, time for a beer and a type. (Chocolate infused Milk Stout by the way)
So, in November last year I decided on a new psychiatrist and made an appointment in Garsfontein. 10 minutes before seeing her I got a call from my mom's neighbor telling me that the ambulance was taking my mom to the ER after a fall. Bummer. Had a very quick consultation where she again put me on ADHD meds, but the non-stimulant kind and also for OCD, anxiety and depression. Off I drove to hospital to see the doctor and wait for them to repair a broken femur on my mom. Not sure if it was the new meds, or still the fact that I didn't have meds in my system for so long that my levels were depleted, but I hit rock bottom. While my mom was in hospital I went and bought a rope, a black pillow case to pull over my head and even a drop sheet so as not to mess up the garage. You can guess what I had planned. Yup, I was just waiting for my mom to be discharged so she could look after my son (a 10 year old Jack Russell). Mailed the doc and told her about my issues, after which she mailed me back and said she'd reply in more detail later, but wanted to see me the next day. I had already taken a lot of leave days with my mom's hospitalization, so I could simply not take off a 3rd day during that week. Eventually she didn't reply in more detail and I got pissed off. My psychologist even phoned her and made things worse by telling her I was pissed off with her. Anyway, eventually I made another appointment, through which I got up and was ready to leave again after 5 minutes because of her attitude. Telling me I wasn't serious about suicide and that if I was I would have taken the previous appointment, or at least a telephonic one. She doesn't work until after I knock off, and we have a strict open door policy, so I can't close my door and take a telephonic consultation. We had a heated argument, after which she kind of apologized and gave me a new script. It has been changed and tweaked a lot and I'm off the ADHDS meds for now.

Took the whole of February off work and drove through to Pta a lot of times for ECT's and adjusting meds every few days. Happy to say that I am doing much better. That's how I started vaping again, lol. I saw someone use and IQOS at her offices and we got to chatting and I bought one for myself. Not intending to quit smoking, but intending to use it on the sly if I ever got stuck in a mall. Intending to use it in the bathroom and believing it doesn't smell at all (which I have realized it does now that I vape 90% of the time, lol). Anyway, I sorted out a few cupboards and stuff and emptied out my RTA's which had been standing half filled with juice for about 3 years. I just intended to wash them and throw them in a box in the garage, honestly. (You may have seen some of my rabbit hole posts thus far...)
Long story short, the IQOS had me down to maximum 5 stinkies a day, so I got to thinking, why not vape just one device and see where it leads. We all know where that led to now, don't we?

Now the last week or so I've been very anxious and a bit emotional. Could be the quitting smoking taking it's toll, or something entirely different. I did some really really bad things in 2012 after a horrible break-up and what I see now as an undiagnosed psychotic break. Having some intrusive thoughts and fixating on one particular thing I did back then. When I think about it my stomach knots up and I struggle to breathe. No, I won't be sharing the things I did, just know it is really bad and when I told a new psychologist about hem she made me feel like piece of shit. (my psychologist has relocated to New Zealand, so I tried a new one). Needless to say I won't be going backl or making the mistakle of ever disclosing what I did to anyone ever again. Will take it to my grave, and perhaps hell. Some days I feel like I deserve to suffer like I do because of what I have done. Other days I feel I can be forgiven by the almighty and perhaps find peace and maybe even love. Who knows. It's a bit of a see-saw at the moment. Have to mail my psychiatrist again and perhaps tweak some meds again. On 10 different meds at the moment, including my hypertension and cholesterol meds. So you can imagine what my copayments look like and the fact that my savings is already depleted so early in the year. Really difficult financially, but trudging on and hopefully upwards. 

My mom is still stuck with her walker and I had to purchase a wheelchair for any kind of prolonged excursion. Damn those are expensive. I basically support my mom fully. After paying her medical aid she has almost nothing left, so I pitch in for the rest, including the domestic worker that now has to be there 6 days a week and levies etc etc. Was lucky enough to get some funds back from UIF after our salary cuts during Covid, so my vape itch could be scratched.

Well, I think I have bored you enough now, so let me get back to my vape and beer. 

Viper out

Reactions: Like 4 | Winner 3


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## RainstormZA

I’m so glad you’re doing better now @Viper_SA

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Thanks 1


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## RainstormZA

@Viper_SA never mind the daft things we’ve done - I cringe every time I think about the stupid stuff I’ve done and I can’t talk about it either bec no sane person would even think of doing the things I’ve done.

Reactions: Like 1 | Can relate 2


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## Viper_SA



Reactions: Winner 4


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## Stranger

Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do ...... also the most critical.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Winner 4


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## ARYANTO

Viper_SA said:


> Okay, time for a beer and a type. (Chocolate infused Milk Stout by the way)
> So, in November last year I decided on a new psychiatrist and made an appointment in Garsfontein. 10 minutes before seeing her I got a call from my mom's neighbor telling me that the ambulance was taking my mom to the ER after a fall. Bummer. Had a very quick consultation where she again put me on ADHD meds, but the non-stimulant kind and also for OCD, anxiety and depression. Off I drove to hospital to see the doctor and wait for them to repair a broken femur on my mom. Not sure if it was the new meds, or still the fact that I didn't have meds in my system for so long that my levels were depleted, but I hit rock bottom. While my mom was in hospital I went and bought a rope, a black pillow case to pull over my head and even a drop sheet so as not to mess up the garage. You can guess what I had planned. Yup, I was just waiting for my mom to be discharged so she could look after my son (a 10 year old Jack Russell). Mailed the doc and told her about my issues, after which she mailed me back and said she'd reply in more detail later, but wanted to see me the next day. I had already taken a lot of leave days with my mom's hospitalization, so I could simply not take off a 3rd day during that week. Eventually she didn't reply in more detail and I got pissed off. My psychologist even phoned her and made things worse by telling her I was pissed off with her. Anyway, eventually I made another appointment, through which I got up and was ready to leave again after 5 minutes because of her attitude. Telling me I wasn't serious about suicide and that if I was I would have taken the previous appointment, or at least a telephonic one. She doesn't work until after I knock off, and we have a strict open door policy, so I can't close my door and take a telephonic consultation. We had a heated argument, after which she kind of apologized and gave me a new script. It has been changed and tweaked a lot and I'm off the ADHDS meds for now.
> 
> Took the whole of February off work and drove through to Pta a lot of times for ECT's and adjusting meds every few days. Happy to say that I am doing much better. That's how I started vaping again, lol. I saw someone use and IQOS at her offices and we got to chatting and I bought one for myself. Not intending to quit smoking, but intending to use it on the sly if I ever got stuck in a mall. Intending to use it in the bathroom and believing it doesn't smell at all (which I have realized it does now that I vape 90% of the time, lol). Anyway, I sorted out a few cupboards and stuff and emptied out my RTA's which had been standing half filled with juice for about 3 years. I just intended to wash them and throw them in a box in the garage, honestly. (You may have seen some of my rabbit hole posts thus far...)
> Long story short, the IQOS had me down to maximum 5 stinkies a day, so I got to thinking, why not vape just one device and see where it leads. We all know where that led to now, don't we?
> 
> Now the last week or so I've been very anxious and a bit emotional. Could be the quitting smoking taking it's toll, or something entirely different. I did some really really bad things in 2012 after a horrible break-up and what I see now as an undiagnosed psychotic break. Having some intrusive thoughts and fixating on one particular thing I did back then. When I think about it my stomach knots up and I struggle to breathe. No, I won't be sharing the things I did, just know it is really bad and when I told a new psychologist about hem she made me feel like piece of shit. (my psychologist has relocated to New Zealand, so I tried a new one). Needless to say I won't be going backl or making the mistakle of ever disclosing what I did to anyone ever again. Will take it to my grave, and perhaps hell. Some days I feel like I deserve to suffer like I do because of what I have done. Other days I feel I can be forgiven by the almighty and perhaps find peace and maybe even love. Who knows. It's a bit of a see-saw at the moment. Have to mail my psychiatrist again and perhaps tweak some meds again. On 10 different meds at the moment, including my hypertension and cholesterol meds. So you can imagine what my copayments look like and the fact that my savings is already depleted so early in the year. Really difficult financially, but trudging on and hopefully upwards.
> 
> My mom is still stuck with her walker and I had to purchase a wheelchair for any kind of prolonged excursion. Damn those are expensive. I basically support my mom fully. After paying her medical aid she has almost nothing left, so I pitch in for the rest, including the domestic worker that now has to be there 6 days a week and levies etc etc. Was lucky enough to get some funds back from UIF after our salary cuts during Covid, so my vape itch could be scratched.
> 
> Well, I think I have bored you enough now, so let me get back to my vape and beer.
> 
> Viper out



Be strong Viper - the road is long but it starts by forgiving yourself , I [we] are rooting for you , a LOT of us have done/tried stupid things that seemed right at the time . My next appointment is Monday ,I am ''stable'' at the moment and working on my depression bc of job loss due to covid .
Stand Strong .

Reactions: Winner 2 | Thanks 1


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## Neuk

I have been meaning to post in here for a while now...

Life the last year and a bit has been a bit crazy, for anyone and everyone, with the pandemic and government's often times ridiculous reaction to it. We had a crazy start to 2020 with my fiancé pregnant with our first child after years of trying and thousands spent. Unfortunately my fiancé developed a sub chorionic hematoma in February which saw her house bound, long before any lock down was announced, with a few trips to her OBGYN and hospital. Then the Sars-CoV-2 virus hit and all hell broke loose with ridiculous lockdowns and regulations, seeing me house bound as I work from home. Around mid July at 35 weeks pregnant, my fiancé got infected and developed some of the COVID-19 symptoms, so we self isolated for two weeks and amazingly I never get infected based on various tests I have had. At 38 weeks my fiancé's OBGYN got infected so our birth plan went out the window, we had a new OBGYN and had a C-section booked for the 18th August 2020. The birth of our son was one of the scariest yet most satisfying experience's of my life, after all the struggles we had to fall pregnant, in one of the most non-normal years in recent history. All went well with the C-section, our hospital was pleasant considering the circumstances but we were soon back as our son developed a Group B strep infection and spent nearly a week in NICU and high care. I have never been so stressed in my life, trying to manage my anxiety, my fiancé's worries, doing work, not being able to see our son except for an hour on a Sunday afternoon, etc.

He handled it like a trooper and we soon had him home again, to start the daunting task as parents, largely by ourselves with minimal help from family due to lockdowns. My parents only met him at 6 weeks old, and now again at 7 1/2 months, some of our family has never met him and only seen pictures and videos of him but it is what it is. He is happy, healthy and growing and as much as I don't like working from home I get to spend more time with him than I would. Myself and my fiancé are largely happy and healthy, I am still working from home while my fiancé goes in to the factory every day and we see her family often and make use of their house at Pecanwood on the Hartebeespoort Dam as often as possible. I had a fall on my mountain bike a few weeks back which put a kink in my training but I am slowly getting back up and running/riding/training. I started vaping again a few weeks back and am struggling to stop, again, arg.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well and moving forward, even slowly...

Reactions: Winner 6


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## RainstormZA

@Neuk first of all, congratulations on the new addition to your family - that's quite an achievement if you ask me, despite the obstacles you both faced. One of my work mates had her baby during the pandemic last year April shortly after the 1st lockdown - the baby has not met anyone else either apart from her own grandparents. He just turned 1 recently. She posts weekly updates on Facebook and we get to see him grow without having to be there in person or touch him. Their little girl is really living up to the name of being the older sibling and it's rare to see such thing, two siblings getting on well with each other (my brothers, sister and I used to fight like cats and dogs). 

Right now, I think I have sunk to a new low level. I'm hoping the trial shift on Saturday will count in my favour - if I get the job, it will be the first time I'll be leaving the house for work as I have been off work for just over a year now. I have totally zero motivation to do anything at the moment - i've even taken a break from my studies as I can't focus on anything either. I think I am burnt and need to take a break from everything. I'm also having nightmares and not sleeping well either.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ARYANTO

Neuk said:


> I have been meaning to post in here for a while now...
> 
> Life the last year and a bit has been a bit crazy, for anyone and everyone, with the pandemic and government's often times ridiculous reaction to it. We had a crazy start to 2020 with my fiancé pregnant with our first child after years of trying and thousands spent. Unfortunately my fiancé developed a sub chorionic hematoma in February which saw her house bound, long before any lock down was announced, with a few trips to her OBGYN and hospital. Then the Sars-CoV-2 virus hit and all hell broke loose with ridiculous lockdowns and regulations, seeing me house bound as I work from home. Around mid July at 35 weeks pregnant, my fiancé got infected and developed some of the COVID-19 symptoms, so we self isolated for two weeks and amazingly I never get infected based on various tests I have had. At 38 weeks my fiancé's OBGYN got infected so our birth plan went out the window, we had a new OBGYN and had a C-section booked for the 18th August 2020. The birth of our son was one of the scariest yet most satisfying experience's of my life, after all the struggles we had to fall pregnant, in one of the most non-normal years in recent history. All went well with the C-section, our hospital was pleasant considering the circumstances but we were soon back as our son developed a Group B strep infection and spent nearly a week in NICU and high care. I have never been so stressed in my life, trying to manage my anxiety, my fiancé's worries, doing work, not being able to see our son except for an hour on a Sunday afternoon, etc.
> 
> He handled it like a trooper and we soon had him home again, to start the daunting task as parents, largely by ourselves with minimal help from family due to lockdowns. My parents only met him at 6 weeks old, and now again at 7 1/2 months, some of our family has never met him and only seen pictures and videos of him but it is what it is. He is happy, healthy and growing and as much as I don't like working from home I get to spend more time with him than I would. Myself and my fiancé are largely happy and healthy, I am still working from home while my fiancé goes in to the factory every day and we see her family often and make use of their house at Pecanwood on the Hartebeespoort Dam as often as possible. I had a fall on my mountain bike a few weeks back which put a kink in my training but I am slowly getting back up and running/riding/training. I started vaping again a few weeks back and am struggling to stop, again, arg.
> 
> Anyway, I hope everyone is well and moving forward, even slowly...


CONGRATULATIONS with the addition , very glad for you , wishing the 3 of you the best . Stay strong my friend .

Reactions: Like 1


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## Viper_SA

Made the drive to Pta today to see my psychiatrist. Hoping she has answers for my massive weight gain and irritation. Also been feeling a bit "off" lately. Let's see what the expert says. Man I hate driving in Pta. Jhb is fine for me, but damn Pta sucks! Feeling very anxious waiting in the waiting room actually.

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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> Made the drive to Pta today to see my psychiatrist. Hoping she has answers for my massive weight gain and irritation. Also been feeling a bit "off" lately. Let's see what the expert says. Man I hate driving in Pta. Jhb is fine for me, but damn Pta sucks! Feeling very anxious waiting in the waiting room actually.


Good luck, @Viper_SA ! I hope you get to the bottom of your issues - my mind is like a washing machine at the moment. I've reached out to the UK mental health societies and I can't seem to get the help I need which is weird considering this is a country that is hell-bend on helping people with mental health issues. I guess I should just keep looking around and find someone who is willing to help me through some stuff I'm going through at the moment.

Other option is to pay someone once a week which is an amount I can't really afford right now. There was someone that I kind of liked right off the bat but she charges £40 an hour.


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## Viper_SA

RainstormZA said:


> Good luck, @Viper_SA ! I hope you get to the bottom of your issues - my mind is like a washing machine at the moment. I've reached out to the UK mental health societies and I can't seem to get the help I need which is weird considering this is a country that is hell-bend on helping people with mental health issues. I guess I should just keep looking around and find someone who is willing to help me through some stuff I'm going through at the moment.
> 
> Other option is to pay someone once a week which is an amount I can't really afford right now. There was someone that I kind of liked right off the bat but she charges £40 an hour.



My psychologist immigrated to NZ  so for now I talk to myself, lol. Not in the mood to start up from scratch with someone new. That, and I pray a lot. Just hope I'm doing it right

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## Viper_SA

I thought craving stinkies was bad, but it's nothing compared to the overwhelming urge I feel to just end it all tonight.

Reactions: Can relate 1


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## SAVaper

Viper_SA said:


> I thought craving stinkies was bad, but it's nothing compared to the overwhelming urge I feel to just end it all tonight.


Hang in there


Sent from my SM-A307FN using Tapatalk


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## ARYANTO

Cher said '' I don't need you anymore '' , do i need myself anymore ? it's so brilliant just to engulf yourself in a cloud of vapor and drink another beer .

Reactions: Like 1 | Can relate 1


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## RainstormZA

So I've been working stupid hours - mostly 25 to 27 hours a week. including weekend shifts (7 hours on Saturdays and 5 on Sundays). So now I hear this news yesterday that our head housekeeper gave in her notice as she got another job. I'm sitting here, feeling a bit lost without her as we got pretty close to each other and she was my safety net at work, with me being new to the job and her always helping me learn things and reminding me of stuff I had forgotten or telling me what I needed to do. 

So now I'm looking for another job as there's so many things wrong at this place - you're pushed to your limits, yes you get paid by the hour (even if you do extra hours). Housekeeping is not for sissies - the place has 41 rooms and some days it can be up to 33 rooms on any given day to clean, change bedding and make the rooms presentable for the next guests to stay in. I'm also doing the weekend shifts in the kitchen so that's gotten better as I'm used to working in the kitchen and I kind of love working in the kitchen to be honest, more than anything else. There's a lot more I can detail about what is wrong with this place but it's gonna take me a few hours to type everything out and I'm on shift in an hour. 

Mentally, emotionally, I've just had enough.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Raindance

RainstormZA said:


> So I've been working stupid hours - mostly 25 to 27 hours a week. including weekend shifts (7 hours on Saturdays and 5 on Sundays). So now I hear this news yesterday that our head housekeeper gave in her notice as she got another job. I'm sitting here, feeling a bit lost without her as we got pretty close to each other and she was my safety net at work, with me being new to the job and her always helping me learn things and reminding me of stuff I had forgotten or telling me what I needed to do.
> 
> So now I'm looking for another job as there's so many things wrong at this place - you're pushed to your limits, yes you get paid by the hour (even if you do extra hours). Housekeeping is not for sissies - the place has 41 rooms and some days it can be up to 33 rooms on any given day to clean, change bedding and make the rooms presentable for the next guests to stay in. I'm also doing the weekend shifts in the kitchen so that's gotten better as I'm used to working in the kitchen and I kind of love working in the kitchen to be honest, more than anything else. There's a lot more I can detail about what is wrong with this place but it's gonna take me a few hours to type everything out and I'm on shift in an hour.
> 
> Mentally, emotionally, I've just had enough.


Think that happens to everyone in any job. Just do not make any rash decisions.

Regards

Reactions: Like 1


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## RainstormZA

Raindance said:


> Think that happens to everyone in any job. Just do not make any rash decisions.
> 
> Regards


Think boss is working out something for me - I’ll stick to downstairs cleaning restaurant, toilets, kids inn two mornings a week and 3 kitchen shifts. Hopefully it works out for me as I find that I’m struggling with housekeeping upstairs rooms.

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## RainstormZA

Plus I’m thinking of going to the fire station to chat with the guys over career options as a deaf firefighter. It’s my dream and there are deaf firefighters and paramedics in this country. 

hopefully this time they’ll have something that I can be a part of.

Reactions: Like 2 | Winner 1


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## Viper_SA

Having a particularly bad day today. Very on edge and agitated. To make things worse, for the past two weeks I've been having this recurring dream that I actually have a girlfriend, and then wake up all alone in an empty bed. Starting to screw with my head.
Also, my psychiatrist has suggested changes to my script, but now there is radio silence on my email and getting to Pta now to see her with the borders closed will be a mission.
Just praying for 16:00 to go home today.

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## Viper_SA

Quick question to this group. Has anyone here heard of or in fact done the DNA testing thingy? Apparently you can have your DNA tested to show what exactly you metal illness entails and what medication would be best suited for treatment?
Reason I'm asking is that my doctor is now just throwing higher and higher dosages at me while I feel she is not really listening to what I'm saying. Personally I think I become "resistant" to meds, for lack of a better word. Like I develop a tolerance that keeps the meds from working as they once did. I have been one pretty much the same meds since November last year, and things were going okay until a few weeks ago. I contacted her via email, and I feel like she only read the first paragraph and then reached for the prescription pad and loaded up on dosages while ignoring most of the rest of my concerns.

Really hoping the little bits and pieces on DNA testing I have seen can be something viable...

Reactions: Winner 1


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## Grand Guru

Viper_SA said:


> Quick question to this group. Has anyone here heard of or in fact done the DNA testing thingy? Apparently you can have your DNA tested to show what exactly you metal illness entails and what medication would be best suited for treatment?
> Reason I'm asking is that my doctor is now just throwing higher and higher dosages at me while I feel she is not really listening to what I'm saying. Personally I think I become "resistant" to meds, for lack of a better word. Like I develop a tolerance that keeps the meds from working as they once did. I have been one pretty much the same meds since November last year, and things were going okay until a few weeks ago. I contacted her via email, and I feel like she only read the first paragraph and then reached for the prescription pad and loaded up on dosages while ignoring most of the rest of my concerns.
> 
> Really hoping the little bits and pieces on DNA testing I have seen can be something viable...


Spare your money IMHO….

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## Viper_SA

Grand Guru said:


> Spare your money IMHO….



I'm afraid you might be correct. My old psychogist immigrated to NZ. They should be more up to date than us, and she's never heard of it and what I can find on Google is not very clear.


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## Grand Guru

Viper_SA said:


> I'm afraid you might be correct. My old psychogist immigrated to NZ. They should be more up to date than us, and she's never heard of it and what I can find on Google is not very clear.


It has no proven value... some money making scheme


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## LeislB

@Viper_SA I went through the same thing. Been on the same meds for years and eventually reached maximum dose. I asked my psychiatrist if I could go off the meds to let my body reset. Bare in mind I wasn't in a good place so this was very risky. Luckily working from home so I slowly weaned myself off the meds and spent 2 weeks with nothing. It was probably the worst time of my life mentally. Went back and he put me on something different. 

I felt better almost instantly. Unfortunately you do become immune to the effects of meds. One needs a strong support system to get through it though, it's rough.

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## Viper_SA

Anyone here on Concerta or similar ADHD meds? Does it make you agro?


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## Viper_SA

This thread has been very quiet of late. Hope everyone is doing okay... 
I just had to pop in to get something off my chest. I'm not okay. That's it. Just nowhere else or no one else to say it to. Keeping up appearances is exhausting.

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## SAVaper

Viper_SA said:


> This thread has been very quiet of late. Hope everyone is doing okay...
> I just had to pop in to get something off my chest. I'm not okay. That's it. Just nowhere else or no one else to say it to. Keeping up appearances is exhausting.


Stay strong man

Sent from my SM-A307FN using Tapatalk

Reactions: Agree 1 | Thanks 1


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## Intuthu Kagesi

Viper_SA said:


> This thread has been very quiet of late. Hope everyone is doing okay...
> I just had to pop in to get something off my chest. I'm not okay. That's it. Just nowhere else or no one else to say it to. Keeping up appearances is exhausting.



My parent thankfully knew that the problem wasn't mine, rather it was other mere mortals whose brains didn't function at my pace, and rather than dumb me down to fit in with Concerta or Ritalin et al, they chose to over stimulate me.
It's addressable by simply putting LOTS, (_and LOTS of variety_), on your plate, or ... follow the "sheeple" ... and "_fit in_" ... dumb yourself down for everyone else with Ritalin or Concerta, and then mask and pretend to be something you're not, ultimately making yourself frustrated, angry and unhappy and resulting in you taking even more meds ... this time tho' for anxiety and or depression.

It's a blessing not a curse once you learn to harness it, and you not only compete favorably with the coke "supplemented" generation just by being yourself ... you overtake them with ease!

Feel free to pm me on it

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## Viper_SA

Thought I'd check in here for a bit, especially after seeing the "Vaping saved my life" petition. For me, vaping has saved my life in more ways than one. I remember how nervous I was about that very first vape meet in 2021 that @vicTor advertised, and almost didn't go, but with a lot of "pushing" from people close to me and some pills, I did end up going and was one of the last to leave. Now I live for those get togethers and they are the highlight of my social life, but I'm getting out and making friends. I tried going off all my meds, but that was going to get me fired at work, lol, so I am on the bare minimum and still have my down days, but I have made many new friends that I can always share a joke or something with and just feel more normal again. I have noticed a swing in my fight/flight response in that I am more prone to lose my filter and throw little "tantrums" at work than go sit in the corner all depressed and such, and that's okay with me. I'd rather deal with my anxiety with a bit of attitude than tears and morbidity. Very, very few people realize that it is anxiety that triggers this response in me, but that's [art of the mental health awareness thing. Trying to educate people. A big thank you to vaping, this forum and all the special people I've met on here that have spent hours with me on whatsapp without ever having met face to face even. I appreciate each and every one of you. P.S. You know who you are.

Reactions: Winner 10


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## Hooked

Viper_SA said:


> Thought I'd check in here for a bit, especially after seeing the "Vaping saved my life" petition. For me, vaping has saved my life in more ways than one. I remember how nervous I was about that very first vape meet in 2021 that @vicTor advertised, and almost didn't go, but with a lot of "pushing" from people close to me and some pills, I did end up going and was one of the last to leave. Now I live for those get togethers and they are the highlight of my social life, but I'm getting out and making friends. I tried going off all my meds, but that was going to get me fired at work, lol, so I am on the bare minimum and still have my down days, but I have made many new friends that I can always share a joke or something with and just feel more normal again. I have noticed a swing in my fight/flight response in that I am more prone to lose my filter and throw little "tantrums" at work than go sit in the corner all depressed and such, and that's okay with me. I'd rather deal with my anxiety with a bit of attitude than tears and morbidity. Very, very few people realize that it is anxiety that triggers this response in me, but that's [art of the mental health awareness thing. Trying to educate people. A big thank you to vaping, this forum and all the special people I've met on here that have spent hours with me on whatsapp without ever having met face to face even. I appreciate each and every one of you. P.S. You know who you are.



To explode, or to implode. Tough call to make.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Winner 1


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## RainstormZA

Viper_SA said:


> Thought I'd check in here for a bit, especially after seeing the "Vaping saved my life" petition. For me, vaping has saved my life in more ways than one. I remember how nervous I was about that very first vape meet in 2021 that @vicTor advertised, and almost didn't go, but with a lot of "pushing" from people close to me and some pills, I did end up going and was one of the last to leave. Now I live for those get togethers and they are the highlight of my social life, but I'm getting out and making friends. I tried going off all my meds, but that was going to get me fired at work, lol, so I am on the bare minimum and still have my down days, but I have made many new friends that I can always share a joke or something with and just feel more normal again. I have noticed a swing in my fight/flight response in that I am more prone to lose my filter and throw little "tantrums" at work than go sit in the corner all depressed and such, and that's okay with me. I'd rather deal with my anxiety with a bit of attitude than tears and morbidity. Very, very few people realize that it is anxiety that triggers this response in me, but that's [art of the mental health awareness thing. Trying to educate people. A big thank you to vaping, this forum and all the special people I've met on here that have spent hours with me on whatsapp without ever having met face to face even. I appreciate each and every one of you. P.S. You know who you are.


Sounds like you and I have similar issues with anxiety - I've been lucky enough to have some support in place at work as now they all know I have anxiety and the one manager always makes sure I get 5 minutes of time out to cool off when I'm in an aggravated episode that would end up in either a tantrum or a complete meltdown. Some colleagues are brilliant - I've had a few meltdowns and they've been really supportive. It's really hard when some people don't understand and judge you for it.

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## ARYANTO



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Winner 2


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## yuliana

Hope this helps someone...just keep swimming!

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## Viper_SA

A mate and I were discussing relationships after his girlfriend dumped him on Monday, and it suddenly dawned on me, with today's standards, I couldn't attract flies if I was a bowl of shit  

Food for thought...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## RainstormZA

ARYANTO said:


> View attachment 262736


Agreed 1000000000 times. I am an highly sensitive introvert and some managers at work are absolute @rseholes when they don't understand my need to get out for 5 minutes alone time and vaping helps my anxiety levels come down. 

I hate it when I'm asked a question and they demand an answer right away - it makes me want to crawl into a dark hole somewhere. Give me time to process it and then when I have processed it, I am in the right frame of mind to answer it in the right way. I also hate being cut off when I'm in the middle of talking - they don't know what I am trying to explain so that they understand why I do things the way I do it. 

Working alone many nights has taught me some good skills that not many people can develop working in a team - multi-tasking 5 drinks stations while doing my cleaning jobs all at once, at McDonalds is something most people can't do...


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## Stranger

Some scumbags wake up in the morning not even smart enough to know they are scumbags. If you are a good person and can recognise a problem within yourself that needs to be addressed, 

well then you are already several branches further along the evolutionary tree. 

Smart people often have more mental health problems because they can recognise them.

Reactions: Agree 1


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