You are more than welcome to PM me @Viper_SA if you ever feel the need to, I am not a counselor or therapist, but I am a living survivor.
#ITSOKAYTOTALK - Mental Illness
- Thread starter brotiform
- Start date
You are more than welcome to PM me @Viper_SA if you ever feel the need to, I am not a counselor or therapist, but I am a living survivor.
To be completely honest it took a while for me to click the post button after I wrote it mainly because I know how people look at you after they know you have a mental illness! They either handle you like you need to be bubble wapped because you are going to break any second or they judge or make fun of you. But I think I have lived behind that curtain way to long and needed it to come out some time.
Another thing that people don't know about mental illness is how bloody expensive it is! It is the main reason I almost never have money together with my pain medication i fork out about R4k a month on medication since my medical aid benefits was depleted. I call it my "k@k maar in my bord" or "voel n fk" pilletjies.
Luckily I am at that point now that I can joke and make fun of myself with friends and family.
Sorry for your loss, I'm often torn between my drive to snuff my self out and the pain I would inflict on my father, can't imagine how tough it must be on a parent being the one who has the depression. The black dog statement was very interesting, I often dream of a black dog just before I start a downward spiral, never heard it connected to depression before, I once googled it and found a few fragmented links to some cultures and it being a symbol of death.
I'm sorry to hear you are battling depression too bud. It's good that you are open to talk about it though, it opens you up to getting help and with the right support you can overcome this. The term "Black dog" is widely used as a symbol for depression.
You might find this useful:
I suffered from depression till my mid-40's. It can become a living hell. I emphathise with those that suffer. It is not something anyone who hasn't gone through it can fully comprehend.
I dragged myself out of it eventually by myself, inch by painful inch over a period of a year once I hit the wall. My knowledge of the human mind helped me immensely as I basically had to scrub and rebuild my own.
When it comes to physical/chemical imbalances in the brain of course that is another story altogether.
I dragged myself out of it eventually by myself, inch by painful inch over a period of a year once I hit the wall. My knowledge of the human mind helped me immensely as I basically had to scrub and rebuild my own.
When it comes to physical/chemical imbalances in the brain of course that is another story altogether.
I went through a bad 12 years. i'm mostly over it now, and i can relate to what you're saying @YeOldeOke
its hard, really hard, and its slow, but if you can persevere there is light at the end of it.
for me, its more the realisation that for my particular brand of darkness there are no external solutions to my internal problems, the solution has to come from me.
it almost goes without saying that this stuff is more particular than someones taste in juice.
its hard, really hard, and its slow, but if you can persevere there is light at the end of it.
for me, its more the realisation that for my particular brand of darkness there are no external solutions to my internal problems, the solution has to come from me.
it almost goes without saying that this stuff is more particular than someones taste in juice.
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@wiesbang
If you need someone close to help lift the spirits then you welcome to come by. I stay just around the corner. No need to talk about your situation although I have total understanding of it. Have individuals in the family that is bipolar, manic depressive, ADD, diagnosed with autism as well as a m8 that had a OD years back. We can have a coffee, you can vape some of my DIY , listen to some music , have a braai or even play a short round of gholf at Glen Garry.
Feel free to pm.
If you need someone close to help lift the spirits then you welcome to come by. I stay just around the corner. No need to talk about your situation although I have total understanding of it. Have individuals in the family that is bipolar, manic depressive, ADD, diagnosed with autism as well as a m8 that had a OD years back. We can have a coffee, you can vape some of my DIY , listen to some music , have a braai or even play a short round of gholf at Glen Garry.
Feel free to pm.
Thank you so very much!@wiesbang
If you need someone close to help lift the spirits then you welcome to come by. I stay just around the corner. No need to talk about your situation although I have total understanding of it. Have individuals in the family that is bipolar, manic depressive, ADD, diagnosed with autism as well as a m8 that had a OD years back. We can have a coffee, you can vape some of my DIY , listen to some music , have a braai or even play a short round of gholf at Glen Garry.
Feel free to pm.
I doubt that golf place will let me revisit if I was there, they will need to replace all of their grass because...
Or I will be like Adam Sandler break stuff, throw stuff and or swear....a lot lol.
I applaud each and every one of you for being brave enough to share your stories and to talk about your hardships , you are all incredibly brave , wonderful souls. You are important and you do matter.
After vapecon , I went into complete mental breakdown , plagued with anxiety and panic attacks that I couldnt even get out of bed. I struggled the entire week , before trying to take my life on Friday morning.
I tried to gas myself on Friday morning after being the first to arrive at work , was found and rescued and rushed to high car / ICU where I was sedated and treated for immense carbon monoxide poisoning before finally gaining consciousness sometime later that weekend. This was failed attempt number 4 , and it's only a matter of time I believe , before I am successful.
I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body.
After vapecon , I went into complete mental breakdown , plagued with anxiety and panic attacks that I couldnt even get out of bed. I struggled the entire week , before trying to take my life on Friday morning.
I tried to gas myself on Friday morning after being the first to arrive at work , was found and rescued and rushed to high car / ICU where I was sedated and treated for immense carbon monoxide poisoning before finally gaining consciousness sometime later that weekend. This was failed attempt number 4 , and it's only a matter of time I believe , before I am successful.
I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body.
Hey bud @brotiform are you on any medication? Psychiatrict treatment? My big issue is also anxiety, not as much depression. I do get depressed though when everything isn't as I want it to be in my OCD brain etc. Greenstone? Is that in Jhb? If you want to have a chat I'm more than willing to drive through after work one evening to have a chat.
I am sorry to hear this buddy, and should you ever want to chat please feel free to pm me.
I find that when I'm in a pit, I need to look at one day at a time. Find things to keep you busy, and surround yourself with people you care about. And work on it minute by minute.
Personally, without going into much detail, I can relate to the posts here on this thread. I have my own emotional battles, coupled with a stressful job. You guys are brave for sharing your battles with depression related disorders. I am a huge advocate for dispelling the stigma about depression, bi polar, anxiety and other related mental illnesses.
Just as a point of interest: about 60% of folks who suffer from a mental illness smoke. Ok, we are here are mostly ex smokers, and now vapers. Therefore it is not surprising to find many depression sufferers on this forum. I am not saying that if you vape, or smoke cigs, you have depression, don't get me wrong. Nicotine seems to help with those suffering from depression or emotion related illnesses. Nicotine strokes the dopamine receptors in our brains helping to ease such disorders. The interesting thing about nicotine is that it can act both as a stimulant and as a relaxant.
Lastly, 80% of schizophrenic patients smoke cigarettes. Most of them literally chain smoke, and most die of smoking related illnesses eg cancer, strokes, heart attacks, etc.
Just some useless information.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Just as a point of interest: about 60% of folks who suffer from a mental illness smoke. Ok, we are here are mostly ex smokers, and now vapers. Therefore it is not surprising to find many depression sufferers on this forum. I am not saying that if you vape, or smoke cigs, you have depression, don't get me wrong. Nicotine seems to help with those suffering from depression or emotion related illnesses. Nicotine strokes the dopamine receptors in our brains helping to ease such disorders. The interesting thing about nicotine is that it can act both as a stimulant and as a relaxant.
Lastly, 80% of schizophrenic patients smoke cigarettes. Most of them literally chain smoke, and most die of smoking related illnesses eg cancer, strokes, heart attacks, etc.
Just some useless information.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thought I'd bump this up for anyone who missed it or for anyone willing to speak.
I recently tried to commit suicide for the 4th time. This time by gassing myself using the car exhaust + hose pipe method.
I woke up in hospital with severe carbon monoxide poisoning as I was lucky enough to be found in time.
I am now in Akeso clinic in Alberton under suicidal observation and undergoing intensive therapy and medication trials. I am considered a high risk patient so it has been a very taxing time , both emotionally and physically.
I have somewhat lost my interest in vaping in this period and if it wasn't for @Neuk standing by me through all of this , I can't say that I would have had more attempts and potentially been successful.
This is my way of speaking out, this is my therapy and chance to get things off of my chest.
I hope through my mistakes I can convince all of you that you matter , you're important and you are loved.
Do not become a statistic and don't end up like me where it is too late. Talk up , it is not a weakness , mental illness can be treated!
#itsokaytotalk
I recently tried to commit suicide for the 4th time. This time by gassing myself using the car exhaust + hose pipe method.
I woke up in hospital with severe carbon monoxide poisoning as I was lucky enough to be found in time.
I am now in Akeso clinic in Alberton under suicidal observation and undergoing intensive therapy and medication trials. I am considered a high risk patient so it has been a very taxing time , both emotionally and physically.
I have somewhat lost my interest in vaping in this period and if it wasn't for @Neuk standing by me through all of this , I can't say that I would have had more attempts and potentially been successful.
This is my way of speaking out, this is my therapy and chance to get things off of my chest.
I hope through my mistakes I can convince all of you that you matter , you're important and you are loved.
Do not become a statistic and don't end up like me where it is too late. Talk up , it is not a weakness , mental illness can be treated!
#itsokaytotalk
It's not too late for you... you are getting help! Power to you @brotiform!
Thank you @Rob Fisher
It's a new day and a new start! I'm so very fortunate in this time to have @Neuk , @OreO , @Maxxis , @DonniZA and @TommyL in my corner.
Every one of these wonderful people have been pillars of support for me and an immense aid in my road to recovery.
I simply cannot thank them enough for everything they have done!!
On a side note , we have a whatsapp support group based on this thread and I'd like to invite anyone who wants a place of privacy to share their thoughts and feelings to please join us.
My number is 082-850-315four
In the famous words of @Neuk :
You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved
️Depression, anxiety and bipolar are all horrible things to go through, I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since my early teens, I still do struggle but this post isn't about that, I grew up with a chronically depressed mother with bipolar, who's tried to take her life countless of times, but she is strong and healthy now albeit with ups and downs. The biggest thing is that a lot of people don't understand bipolar, no one in our family even understands it. A lot of people associate bipolar with being crazy or something like that. It's threads like these that make me smile, we aren't alone guys.
Had a recovered addict in group therapy this morning and I noticed his limitless / 213 combo and we had a brief chat.
He is an ecigssa member and had some very positive things to say and his road to recovery is an inspirational one.
You know who you are so THANK YOU.
He is an ecigssa member and had some very positive things to say and his road to recovery is an inspirational one.
You know who you are so THANK YOU.
I have been staring at a blank reply screen for hours now, after reading all the latest replies to this thread, and thinking about the last week and a bit since @brotiform's last attempt to take his life and him being admitted to hospital for treatment and recovery. I am trying to be there for @brotiform and others as much as I can while dealing with my own life at the moment which can be taxing at times but I find it strangely therapeutic to help someone in need. I do need to watch myself though, I have a self sacrificing tendency to make sure everyone else is fine while watching my world crumble around me...
And remember...
You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved.
Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other.
And remember...
You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved.
Chin up, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other.
Howdie Ho!
I feel a need to chime in here and will start off by commending all who have already shared their stories, as well as those who selflessly offer up their help and hearts to strangers in need...as depression sufferers are always in need of positive thoughts and heartfelt help
I'll begin my story with the sad statement, that one of the very first words I learned as a child was "Head-Cake"
I am a chronic pain sufferer and can't remember the last day that I didn't have a migraine!
They randomly come, go and can be anything from bearable to the point that I blackout.
I've given liters of blood in testing, CT and MRI scans, seen the top neurosurgeons in SA and don't have an answer.
As a result I've tried and taken every cocktail and possible painkiller you could think of...none of which have ever been able to completely eradicate my worst migraines.
This year I also managed to break my record....42 days - 1 migraine. (from the time I wake till I struggle to sleep)
As you may imagine; My body has built up a SCARY tolerance to any sort of medication and/or narcotic.
Mostly I've learned to sort of meditate and push through migraines by ignoring and forgetting about them.
But on occasion I still get the type of migraine that cripples me in almost every way. (luckily psilocybin still works)
I also suffer from depression and have attempted to end my life in my earlier years.
I still suffer suicidal thoughts daily/weekly, but have no interest (yet) in giving up.
I recognize that suffering and endurance can breed legendary greatness - Which is what I am aiming for
But sadly I feel just as @brotiform when he said:
"I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body."
I don't feel sad, can't remember what happiness felt like, no guilt or anger...just empty/numb.
And I've been this way for years now.
I have chained substance abuse and superficial experiences/interactions to supplement my need to carry on....thank F*** for gaming I say!
I'm good at appearing "ok" or happy, but I've had lots of practice.
I like to help, share, learn and educate.
I can also proudly say that I have positively helped numerous people in changing their life for the better....just to have them use me as toilet paper and then disassociate themselves from/with me.
I am so very very tired and question why I still bother...but something within me says that it will get better, it must! ....right??
So I find myself drifting day by day trying to rationalize my existence and to just push onwards.
But I'm not getting better and I think the only thing still rooting me is the incredible woman I have and how she sees what I was and what I can become...I'll never be able to repay her of all the kindness and love she gives, even spending an entire lifetime trying to make it up.
How do I even consider bringing new life into this world when I know how broken everything is and that I very well may end up passing on my pain and depression to my child!?
On a lighter and objective note:
I like the "OK" symbol and movement to spread awareness for mental illness/depression.
However I think what is more needed is a reference/sign or simple thing to notate when I'm not ok.
As stated: I've been this way for years, found my way to cope with it and am always reinforcing the positives in my life and those around me.
But I wish there was an easier way to outright say when I am not feeling ok and when I don't want to talk or live any longer.
Though I guess we must spread the awareness and education first and foremost, if this battle is to be won for any or all sufferers.
My heart goes out to all who are suffering daily, even those who now and then feel the lows....and ESPECIALLY to those of you who have read this thread and can relate to the posts, who are silently hurting and don't feel like tearing off another piece of your heart and putting it on display in a post, for all to look upon with pity
This is merely my personal story and we all have different paths we walk, but silence only breeds stillness...So dance, shout and don't fade away!
You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved
I feel a need to chime in here and will start off by commending all who have already shared their stories, as well as those who selflessly offer up their help and hearts to strangers in need...as depression sufferers are always in need of positive thoughts and heartfelt help
I'll begin my story with the sad statement, that one of the very first words I learned as a child was "Head-Cake"
I am a chronic pain sufferer and can't remember the last day that I didn't have a migraine!
They randomly come, go and can be anything from bearable to the point that I blackout.
I've given liters of blood in testing, CT and MRI scans, seen the top neurosurgeons in SA and don't have an answer.
As a result I've tried and taken every cocktail and possible painkiller you could think of...none of which have ever been able to completely eradicate my worst migraines.
This year I also managed to break my record....42 days - 1 migraine. (from the time I wake till I struggle to sleep)
As you may imagine; My body has built up a SCARY tolerance to any sort of medication and/or narcotic.
Mostly I've learned to sort of meditate and push through migraines by ignoring and forgetting about them.
But on occasion I still get the type of migraine that cripples me in almost every way. (luckily psilocybin still works)
I also suffer from depression and have attempted to end my life in my earlier years.
I still suffer suicidal thoughts daily/weekly, but have no interest (yet) in giving up.
I recognize that suffering and endurance can breed legendary greatness - Which is what I am aiming for
But sadly I feel just as @brotiform when he said:
"I am exhausted , tired and no longer feel like I can fight this battle on a daily basis. I have thrown in the towel and no longer have any fight in me. As a result I have moved back home to live with my father , separated from my wife and am under constant surveillance. I simply feel numb and emotionless and have no will left in my mind or body."
I don't feel sad, can't remember what happiness felt like, no guilt or anger...just empty/numb.
And I've been this way for years now.
I have chained substance abuse and superficial experiences/interactions to supplement my need to carry on....thank F*** for gaming I say!
I'm good at appearing "ok" or happy, but I've had lots of practice.
I like to help, share, learn and educate.
I can also proudly say that I have positively helped numerous people in changing their life for the better....just to have them use me as toilet paper and then disassociate themselves from/with me.
I am so very very tired and question why I still bother...but something within me says that it will get better, it must! ....right??
So I find myself drifting day by day trying to rationalize my existence and to just push onwards.
But I'm not getting better and I think the only thing still rooting me is the incredible woman I have and how she sees what I was and what I can become...I'll never be able to repay her of all the kindness and love she gives, even spending an entire lifetime trying to make it up.
How do I even consider bringing new life into this world when I know how broken everything is and that I very well may end up passing on my pain and depression to my child!?
On a lighter and objective note:
I like the "OK" symbol and movement to spread awareness for mental illness/depression.
However I think what is more needed is a reference/sign or simple thing to notate when I'm not ok.
As stated: I've been this way for years, found my way to cope with it and am always reinforcing the positives in my life and those around me.
But I wish there was an easier way to outright say when I am not feeling ok and when I don't want to talk or live any longer.
Though I guess we must spread the awareness and education first and foremost, if this battle is to be won for any or all sufferers.
My heart goes out to all who are suffering daily, even those who now and then feel the lows....and ESPECIALLY to those of you who have read this thread and can relate to the posts, who are silently hurting and don't feel like tearing off another piece of your heart and putting it on display in a post, for all to look upon with pity
This is merely my personal story and we all have different paths we walk, but silence only breeds stillness...So dance, shout and don't fade away!
You are not alone , you are important , you matter and you are loved
Since I posted the last time things have been not so great. When you get to that point where at night you pray to not wake up the next morning, you know it's bad.
I have endometriosis which on its own is very painful and on top of that I was diagnosed with CPP (chronic pelvic pain) 2 years ago. I have been on heavy pain meds including morphine and Oxycodone which barely helps. I have had numerous unsuccessful procedures to help and was supposed to go again in Jan for the last "experimental" procedure before we have a nerve stimulator implanted but my Dr has not been successful to get his theatre time schedule to correspond with the specialist he needs.
So now that my medical aid savings is depleted as well as my chronic medication benefit I have to pay for everything cash. And I can't afford to buy all the medications every month. So I have to choose some this month and get the rest the next month.
As you all know anti-depressants you cannot skip as it will fak you up completely which means I have been without pain medication for the last 2 months and it sucks. It gets so bad that I cannot move without feeling like my insides are being ripped apart.
Now all this just makes the depression worse, so bad that I wish and pray to just die because I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I am drowning and no matter how hard I try I just can't get to the top.
But hey #yolo
Since I posted the last time things have been not so great. When you get to that point where at night you pray to not wake up the next morning, you know it's bad.
I have endometriosis which on its own is very painful and on top of that I was diagnosed with CPP (chronic pelvic pain) 2 years ago. I have been on heavy pain meds including morphine and Oxycodone which barely helps. I have had numerous unsuccessful procedures to help and was supposed to go again in Jan for the last "experimental" procedure before we have a nerve stimulator implanted but my Dr has not been successful to get his theatre time schedule to correspond with the specialist he needs.
So now that my medical aid savings is depleted as well as my chronic medication benefit I have to pay for everything cash. And I can't afford to buy all the medications every month. So I have to choose some this month and get the rest the next month.
As you all know anti-depressants you cannot skip as it will fak you up completely which means I have been without pain medication for the last 2 months and it sucks. It gets so bad that I cannot move without feeling like my insides are being ripped apart.
Now all this just makes the depression worse, so bad that I wish and pray to just die because I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I am drowning and no matter how hard I try I just can't get to the top.
But hey #yolo
Geez! I've read through this thread and don't understand a 1/10'th of what was posted, neither can I even imagine what you guys and girls are going through, but the only thing that rings through my head the whole time is: "pain is temporarily, but giving up is forever" - so please from my mediocre response, declare that dark "thing" in your your life your enemy and fight it until you conquer (never give up and never submit)!
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