Dirty Lol's Thread
- Thread starter Gizmo
- Start date
Embedded media from this media site is no longer available
LOL
where is the WTF button??
Ha, ha, ha, ha, we need a Robocock like that in S.A. Chop them off and we will have no more problems with these rapist dogs. I must say though, that was a real ballzup.
Mwaaaa, ha, ha, ha "Coming Live from a Trailer Park in the good ol US of A." Most definitely a Jerry Springer future superstar.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 18-speed mountain bike. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the bond on this house is R120,000, and there is no way we can afford it."
The next day his father saw Little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase. He asked, "Son where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming, too.
I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an R120,000 bond and no means of transportation.
- Joined
- 6/10/13
- Posts
- 444
- Awards
- 17
- Age
- 50
Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had R2.00
between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large
sausage.
Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".
They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels ..
Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get
down on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk - all for
free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, " Larry - I don't think I can do this
anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD BAR!"
between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large
sausage.
Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".
They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels ..
Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get
down on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk - all for
free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, " Larry - I don't think I can do this
anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD BAR!"
eish.....
Kom die twee ouens uit die bar uit toe die bar toemaak.Sê die een; “Kom ons gaan na my huis, ek het daar nog twee biere in die yskas.“Die ander een stem in en hier slinger die twee die straat af. Eerste straat regs en die volgende een weer links en weer regs.Toe sê die eerste ou; “Jy sien hierdie straat, dis my straat.“En hulle kom by sy huis aan en hy sê; “Jy sien hierdie huis, dis my huis.“Hy sluit die huis oop en hulle stap in die huis in en hy sê; “Jy sien hierdie sitkamer, dis my sitkamer. Jy sien daardie TV, dis my TV en daardie stoel voor die TV, dis my stoel.“Hulle stap die gang af en hy maak die slaapkamerdeur oop en sê; “ Jy sien die slaapkamer, dis my slaapkamer. Jy sien die vrou in die bed, dis my vrou en jy sien die ou langs haar in die bed, dis ek.“Hulle stap verder kombuis toe en sy pêl sê;“Die ou langs jou vrou is nie jy nie.“En hy sê; “Sjuut, hou jou bek, moet hom nie wakker maak nie, ons het net twee biere.“
Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk
Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small packet of fish hooks, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing rod, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..t first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..t first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50
Dear Dr.Phil
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoyingmy favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boatand tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. Wequickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care aboutfishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the bestfishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you'veever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught it's twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that wecaught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd getinterested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at allanymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn'tlike to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as sheinsists?
Thanks,
PS Attached is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoyingmy favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boatand tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. Wequickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care aboutfishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the bestfishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you'veever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught it's twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that wecaught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd getinterested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at allanymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn'tlike to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as sheinsists?
Thanks,
PS Attached is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Ouch shots fired
Sent from my GT-I9190 using Tapatalk
Sent from my GT-I9190 using Tapatalk
Similar threads
