Giggles
- Thread starter Sharrivz
- Start date
Sent by iDad's iPhone
die translation maak dit net snaakser
O M W !!!!
If cigarettes did what alcohol can do I assure you they would.
Knock on door:
Who is there?
Police?
What do you want?
We want to talk.
How many of you are there?
Two.
So talk to each other.
Who is there?
Police?
What do you want?
We want to talk.
How many of you are there?
Two.
So talk to each other.
Boy to a pregnant girl at bus stop:
"What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The lad turns to his mate and say:
"WOW!!! I am 100% sure this girl slept with a Transformer!"
"What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The lad turns to his mate and say:
"WOW!!! I am 100% sure this girl slept with a Transformer!"
Life lesson:
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: 1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. 3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: 1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. 3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse/girlfriend to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse/girlfriend to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a scotch to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aids to forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from Wendy house. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be firm about it. Hold head vertical and pour 200ml of milk down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse/girlfriend to drive you to the emergency ward, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any bunnies.
The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife...
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife...
Almost died laughing!
Posted in the wrong thread maybe?
Sent by iDad's iPhone
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up,
they'd be alloys.
they'd be alloys.
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