Giggles
- Thread starter Sharrivz
- Start date
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
A Joke for the day:
Teacher: "Who is the president of South Africa"?
Children: "Dingiswayo".
Teacher: "Correct and the minister of defence"?
Children: "Benny McCarthy"
Teacher: " Correct. What is the capital city of South Africa"?
Children: "Mangaung".
Teacher: "Very good and who composed the national anthem"?
Children: "Ladysmith Mambazo"
Teacher: "Excellent. What do you call the people from Moscow"?
Children: "Mosquitoes".
Teacher: "Perfect. How much is 2+5"?
Children: "25"
Teacher: "That's great, you're going to be stupid like that until your government increases my salary..."!!!
Teacher: "Who is the president of South Africa"?
Children: "Dingiswayo".
Teacher: "Correct and the minister of defence"?
Children: "Benny McCarthy"
Teacher: " Correct. What is the capital city of South Africa"?
Children: "Mangaung".
Teacher: "Very good and who composed the national anthem"?
Children: "Ladysmith Mambazo"
Teacher: "Excellent. What do you call the people from Moscow"?
Children: "Mosquitoes".
Teacher: "Perfect. How much is 2+5"?
Children: "25"
Teacher: "That's great, you're going to be stupid like that until your government increases my salary..."!!!
I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said, "Just doing the same as you -sitting here! Then I'm asked "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now". Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions"
SOME OLDIES I PULLED OF MY FACEBOOK PAGE:
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Greek Bailout Explained by Economics 101
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that is how the bailout package works!
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that is how the bailout package works!
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge while sitting in a blissful vaping cloud.
hahaha, the poor guy even has a bite out of his fin
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge while sitting in a blissful vaping cloud.
Dead on!
The person who wrote this should be PRESIDENT! - BRILLIANT!
Dear President Zuma,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing South Africa 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of rands to the government that will
squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the
following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan :
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them R2 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations :
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy R100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week.....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also.....
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC, a TV or radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and
pay R1,000.00+ per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention) :
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Rivier-sonder-End almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
slept?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable
to locate 5 000,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
LASTLY
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of
offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us
grumpy old folk of S.A. to speak up!
Dear President Zuma,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing South Africa 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of rands to the government that will
squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the
following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan :
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them R2 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations :
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy R100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week.....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also.....
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC, a TV or radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and
pay R1,000.00+ per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention) :
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Rivier-sonder-End almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
slept?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable
to locate 5 000,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
LASTLY
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of
offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us
grumpy old folk of S.A. to speak up!
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