Random
- Thread starter johan
- Start date
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning; "Windows frozen, won’t open.
“Husband texts back; "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really messed up now."
“Husband texts back; "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really messed up now."
Sent from my toaster, yeah a toaster.
What voltage drop?
More like body drop
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
I LOL'ed at #9
Why we love children...
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and
continued writing the report. My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward
me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my
equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
'What'd HE do?
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair
of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo,
she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be
performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and
into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to
her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw
was an old leaf that had been pressed in between
the pages.
'Mama,look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and
continued writing the report. My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward
me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my
equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
'What'd HE do?
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair
of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo,
she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be
performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and
into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to
her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw
was an old leaf that had been pressed in between
the pages.
'Mama,look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET
Absolutely brilliant one to start your working week - for those outside of
Namibia that is! LMAO
An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there
looking perplexed.
The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent
slap.
The old woman is thinking:
'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.'
The Aussie is thinking:
'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl.
She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'
The beautiful girl is thinking:
'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and
got slapped.'
The Afrikaner guy is thinking:
'If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing
sound and moer that Aussie again!'
Namibia that is! LMAO
An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there
looking perplexed.
The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent
slap.
The old woman is thinking:
'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.'
The Aussie is thinking:
'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl.
She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'
The beautiful girl is thinking:
'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and
got slapped.'
The Afrikaner guy is thinking:
'If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing
sound and moer that Aussie again!'
LOL She's a blond cow!
Blow gently on your screen.
Jacob Zuma walked into a branch of First National Bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the
cashier he said,
"Good morning, could you please cash this cheque... for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Zuma: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jacob Zuma, the President!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters, fraud and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Zuma: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr President; these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Zuma: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way. One day
Ernie Els came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Ernie Els he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Ernie Els and cashed his cheque.
"Another time, Naas Botha came in without ID. He pulled out a rugby ball and made a fabulous drop kick where the ball landed in my coffee mug. With that spectacular kick we cashed his cheque.
So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the President?"
Zuma stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be R100 notes or R200 notes, Mr President?"
cashier he said,
"Good morning, could you please cash this cheque... for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Zuma: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jacob Zuma, the President!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters, fraud and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Zuma: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr President; these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Zuma: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way. One day
Ernie Els came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Ernie Els he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Ernie Els and cashed his cheque.
"Another time, Naas Botha came in without ID. He pulled out a rugby ball and made a fabulous drop kick where the ball landed in my coffee mug. With that spectacular kick we cashed his cheque.
So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the President?"
Zuma stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be R100 notes or R200 notes, Mr President?"
Similar threads
