Dirty Lol's Thread
- Thread starter Gizmo
- Start date
brush teeth, gargle detergent.... thats all im saying
hope its not experience talking
hope its not experience talking
Damn it! was just thinking what if that is what you respond. LOL
A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny answered first.
"I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant, return as a national hero,
then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I want to be Johnny’s tart!
Little Johnny answered first.
"I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant, return as a national hero,
then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I want to be Johnny’s tart!
hahaha, that awkward moment.....
• Jy word nie gebore met blou oë in Brakpan nie, jy fight daarvoor, pappie!
• Hoekom sny Brakpanners hul honde se sterte af? Sodat as skoonma kom kuier dat daar geen teken van blydskap is nie!
• Brakpan pick-up line : Ek het asma, maar ek voel altyd beter na n pompie...
• Wat noem Brakpanners 'n brunet? Dis 'n uitgebrande blondine!
• Man in Brakpan restaurant vra kelner: "Het julle wildeeend?"
Kelner: "Nee meneer, maar ons kan vir jou 'n makke die moer in maak?"
• Jan & Anna stap uit Brakpan Spar uit met 'n pram.
Anna kyk indie pram en skree: "Dissie verkeerde kind!!'' Jan sê: "Sharrap, dis 'n beter pram..!"
• Spietkop stop Brakpanner omdat sy kar net 1 hooflig aan het!
Brakpanner: “Tjomma, dis load shedding, ek sal later die anner een aansit, jy check?”
• Brakpan Ds: “Jan, hoeveel vroue dink jy moet ‘n man hê?”
Jan: “16, Dominee.” Ds: “Hoekom 16?” Jan: “4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
• Geskeide Brakpan man aan sy tjom: "Vrouens is soos kreef: aldie lekker in die onderlyf en al die kak in die kop"
• Brakpan skool juffrou: Jan, jou opstel oor jou hondjie is woord vir woord dieselfde as jou boetie s’n!
Jan: Natuurlik juffrou, dis dan dieselfde hond!
• Wat noem Brakpanners "Blind Date" in Afrikaans? ‘n Proefsteek!
• Wat noem jy Brad Pitt se broer in Brakpan? Tap Pitt.
1. Wat is die top punt van armoede in Brakpan?
As jou ma "polonie en kaas" op jou brood skryf met 'n kokie pen....
2. Wat noem jy 'n maagd in Brakpan ? ...... 'n Dagbesoeker !
3.Vrou vra vir man van Brakpan " Wat hy sal koop as hy die Lotto wen?
" Die ou dink so n rukkie en se : "Ferrari 'mags' vir my Cortina" !!!
4. Wat noem jy n Brakpan vrou wat n wit sweetpak dra op n Saterdag middag ?
..... 'n Bruid !
5. Dit reën al vir 3 dae in Brakpan.
Al wat my skoonma doen is deur die venster staar.
As dit so aangaan, sal ek haar seker moet laat inkom!
6. Brakpan - Graad 1 vraag - Wat is manlik en vroulik van meel?
Mieliemeel en koekmeel.
7. Hoekom word daar nie karre in Brakpan gesteel nie?
Want in elke huis woon daar ten minsten 2 karwagte!
8. Wat noem jy dit as iemand 'n kar oor "spray” in Brakpan .......
“Change of ownership”
• Hoekom sny Brakpanners hul honde se sterte af? Sodat as skoonma kom kuier dat daar geen teken van blydskap is nie!
• Brakpan pick-up line : Ek het asma, maar ek voel altyd beter na n pompie...
• Wat noem Brakpanners 'n brunet? Dis 'n uitgebrande blondine!
• Man in Brakpan restaurant vra kelner: "Het julle wildeeend?"
Kelner: "Nee meneer, maar ons kan vir jou 'n makke die moer in maak?"
• Jan & Anna stap uit Brakpan Spar uit met 'n pram.
Anna kyk indie pram en skree: "Dissie verkeerde kind!!'' Jan sê: "Sharrap, dis 'n beter pram..!"
• Spietkop stop Brakpanner omdat sy kar net 1 hooflig aan het!
Brakpanner: “Tjomma, dis load shedding, ek sal later die anner een aansit, jy check?”
• Brakpan Ds: “Jan, hoeveel vroue dink jy moet ‘n man hê?”
Jan: “16, Dominee.” Ds: “Hoekom 16?” Jan: “4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
• Geskeide Brakpan man aan sy tjom: "Vrouens is soos kreef: aldie lekker in die onderlyf en al die kak in die kop"
• Brakpan skool juffrou: Jan, jou opstel oor jou hondjie is woord vir woord dieselfde as jou boetie s’n!
Jan: Natuurlik juffrou, dis dan dieselfde hond!
• Wat noem Brakpanners "Blind Date" in Afrikaans? ‘n Proefsteek!
• Wat noem jy Brad Pitt se broer in Brakpan? Tap Pitt.
1. Wat is die top punt van armoede in Brakpan?
As jou ma "polonie en kaas" op jou brood skryf met 'n kokie pen....
2. Wat noem jy 'n maagd in Brakpan ? ...... 'n Dagbesoeker !
3.Vrou vra vir man van Brakpan " Wat hy sal koop as hy die Lotto wen?
" Die ou dink so n rukkie en se : "Ferrari 'mags' vir my Cortina" !!!
4. Wat noem jy n Brakpan vrou wat n wit sweetpak dra op n Saterdag middag ?
..... 'n Bruid !
5. Dit reën al vir 3 dae in Brakpan.
Al wat my skoonma doen is deur die venster staar.
As dit so aangaan, sal ek haar seker moet laat inkom!
6. Brakpan - Graad 1 vraag - Wat is manlik en vroulik van meel?
Mieliemeel en koekmeel.
7. Hoekom word daar nie karre in Brakpan gesteel nie?
Want in elke huis woon daar ten minsten 2 karwagte!
8. Wat noem jy dit as iemand 'n kar oor "spray” in Brakpan .......
“Change of ownership”
Classic @Eequinox
I love Lencel - remember his joke drawings in Giggles & Gags - who remembers that?
Havent seen his work of late - see this one is 2015
i agree lol
Some British humour!
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.
The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed amansneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly myneighborcame from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.
The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed amansneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly myneighborcame from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?
Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel fuckin great!!!'
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